Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[Quid est Veritas?]

No worries. You just need to swallow a couple more tiny instruments for accompaniment. How else can one listen to your gut?

How to optimise my navel-gazing?

 

[gennypearl]

Close your eyes, make a wish and blow out the candle light.

How do I tell my friend that she stinks without offending her?

 

[Olmhinlu]

Compliment sandwich: "Sister, I love your hair. You smell like a dead rat, but those shoes are [insert current youth vernacular for 'cool']". Works like a charm

I'm too pleasant and sociable, and have too many friends - can you help?

 

[Chesterton]

Yes, you need to read my latest book: How To Lose Friends And Alienate People.

How can I cheer up my sea monkeys?

 

[Olmhinlu]

Sense of touch is very important, comforting etc. Just give a tight, 2-3 min. hug to each of them.

Where's the best place to look for that game that has all the little arm-linking plastic monkeys in a barrel?

 

[public hermit]

Well, first you'll need a DeLorean. Then, I know a guy who has a flux capacitor. The rest is just logistics.

What is the fastest way for me to become a movie star.

 

[Olmhinlu]

Well if, speed is distance divided by time, I suggest you work on lowering the denominator... you could even make it negative if I let you borrow my DeLorean

What is the best way for a human to kill a T-Rex?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Arm wrestling, like Beowulf and Grendel.

Could you give some pointers on teaching my children while the schools are closed?

 

[Chesterton]

Why do I have to give you pointers? You can use anything for a pointer - a pencil, a broomstick, your finger, or even these:

How can I get better at singing basso profondo?

 

[shineyourlight]

Why do I have to give you pointers? You can use anything for a pointer - a pencil, a broomstick, your finger, or even these:

How can I get better at singing basso profondo?

Stand on your head, practice singing the ABCs backwards, and then you'll be ready.

What should I have for lunch?

 

[Chesterton]

If you're like me, you get bored easily. Day in, day out, it seems the only thing to eat is food, food, food. Be adventurous. Eat something other than food.

How can I show how patriotic I am?

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Go stand outside the capital building in DC and protest the expansion of the "Patriot Act" that's going to include them breaching our internet security and spying on our online activities.

How do I come up with more original rap lyrics?

 

[Chesterton]

Eh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. It's been almost 20 years since anyone had any original rap lyrics.

I've started a new rock band. What would be a good gimmick to get us some notoriety?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

Eat a bat on stage, then start coughing your lungs out.

How can I get more out of life?

 

[shineyourlight]

Eat a bat on stage, then start coughing your lungs out.

How can I get more out of life?

Make lemonade. Having a bad day? Squeeze a lemon. All your problems will disappear.

How do I do a headstand?

 

[Chesterton]

The earth rotates fully once every 24 hours. The easiest way to do a headstand is to simply pick a point above your head in the universe and call it "up". Do nothing else, just wait 12 hours and you will effectively be doing a headstand.

How can I make summer last longer?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

The earth rotates fully round the sun every 365 and a quarter (give or take) days. The easiest way to make summer last longer is to choose a point where the change in axial tilt is least, the equator say, and simply call it summer.

Alternatively, do a Joshua and hold up your arms and pray to make the sun stand still.

How can I get these people to stop jogging and cycling in the middle of the road?!

 

[Chesterton]

I think the advice to give is obvious: it would go by the name of either vehicular manslaughter or first degree murder, depending on how good your lawyer is.

How to improve my posture?

 

[JPPT1974]

Just sit up straight and walk straight is all you can do. Unless you want to slump like the Hunch back of Notre Dame

How to give mean people an attitude adjustment.

 

[shineyourlight]

Just sit up straight and walk straight is all you can do. Unless you want to slump like the Hunch back of Notre Dame

How to give mean people an attitude adjustment.

Get your numbchucks out and show them how it's done.

I can't sleep. Any advice?