Give "Bad" Advice (3)

LaSorcia

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To find the answer to this question, you must needs travel 'round the world visiting one Renaissance Faire after another,while imbibing lots of mead.

I was going to look up something in my concordance, but it says it's exhaustive. Tell me, how tired will I get if I look up 3 words?
 
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Quid est Veritas?

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Immensely. I mean, first you need to learn to read, then understand the socio-cultural dimensions of the words themselves, then assess their potential of being racially charged micro-aggressions, or abstract constructs of historic privilege. It is simply too much bother. Best just look at the pictures.

How can I argue with someone who agrees with everything I say?!
 
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Tom 1

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Cease all speech and adopt the practice of enigmatic looks. The other person will lapse into an agreeing/not agreeing state.

I have reached the pinnacle of bad-advice giving. Where to from here?
 
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Chesterton

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First of all, on the occasion of your retirement, we'd all like to congratulate you on a long and exemplary career in bad advice giving. We are all aware of the many, many lives you've screwed up with your advice, and we thank you. Now, as to the future, I would recommend continuing adult education. In order to land the careers which are very important today I'd recommend Gender Studies, Queer Studies or All White People Are Bad Studies. These types of fields can lead you to becoming one of the real movers and shakers in society today.

How can I learn to keep politics out of game threads?
 
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Tom 1

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From now on you should focus on coordinating all bodily movements with the rhythms of the following tune. This will, if done properly, and you must do it properly, so occupy your time as to leave no idle thoughts for such ungentlemanly pursuits as political commentary:

Having both enrolled on and completed my studies in ‘all white people are bad-ology’ I am struggling to find a sufficiently pretentious job to go with my Bachelors of yes it’s all my fault why not just admit it. There’s an opening in applied ‘standing in the corner’ but I wonder if anyone has another suggestion?
 
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Chesterton

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(Tom, I'm whispering this because I'm fearful that someone might think I know you. You just posted a video of a black man seated behind a white man! A perfect symbol of oppression! Literally the most literally racist thing I've literally ever seen literally. I was so enraged I smashed my computer monitor. I can't even see what I'm typing right now!)

Anyway, I hear graffiti clean up is a booming business.

What's something fun to do while scuba diving?
 
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Chesterton

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They're actually a lot easier. Just turn down the volume, then you can snooze through them like we do in real life.

What's the best way to learn English?
 
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Tom 1

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You might want to read Huck Finn a few times before getting involved in anything so dangerous as 'book larnin'. Remember the English are always up to no good, you want them inside your head too? Think on it.

I have world domination booked in my calendar for this month, where do you suggest I start?
 
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Chesterton

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My son! You should see the world as thine oyster! (i.e., slimy, disgusting and dangerous). :p

What can I do in the upcoming talent show when I have no talent?
 
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Quid est Veritas?

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What you really need is talents, as in Gold. Put your house up for mortgage, and then bribe the judges. Obviously that is what really is meant by calling it a 'talent show'.

How can I spy more easily on my babysitter? I am sure she is up tonsomething...
 
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Chesterton

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Create a Google account using her information. Google will handle it for you.

Help! I left my smartphone in a friend's car! It's going to take him an hour to return it! How am I going to live!?
 
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Quid est Veritas?

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Call 911! No human can live without a smart phone. It is a basic human right, a necessity like breath or water.

I want to paint a mural or put up some statuary, but I am scared my choices will be politically inexpediant or flagrantly racist in a few years time.
 
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Chesterton

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Hmm, let's see. How about a statue of a pregnant, homosexual-looking Che Guevara, cross-dressed as a woman, holding a copy of The Autobiography Of Malcolm X? And just to be safe put the book in his left hand because the left-handed are an underappreciated oppressed group throughout history, and their outrage could become ascendant in the near future. That statue should be good for a while, until things change.

My telephone is ringing. What should I do?
 
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Tom 1

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Someone wants to steal your time and ask you to do things. The only reasonable responses are: a) Drop your phone down a well, or b) smash it with a hammer.

How to reverse things so nature follows my rhythm?
 
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Olmhinlu

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Your immediate concern is shelter. I recommend burrowing into, and covering yourself with the ashes of your incinerated domicile.

How can I get cheaper (chicken) eggs from the supermarket?
 
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