Girlfriend's Past: Insecurity, Hypocrisy...?

[L.R.]

I am new to this forum today and I am impressed by a good deal of the input. Today has been a very difficult day for me, as my mind has been very disquieted. I am about 30, and I would really appreciate advice from folks in my age range.

My girlfriend and I shared some very difficult things recently.

She shared with me that she had been very sexually active before her salvation (I knew this, but not the extent) and had been active -but no vaginal sex- in her first relationship after her salvation (did not know this- she had said "very physical" and I misinterpreted). In rebellion over that relationship, she dated an unsaved man for a very short time and they kissed.

I shared with her that I was not very physical before I was saved, but that I had dabbled in pornography afterwards, even during our relationship. I am completely assured that, by God's grace, this issue is behind me. I have no draw to it now -thank God!- and see it as a perverted counterfeit. Confessing it to her and a mentor of mine decreased its draw 1000 fold.

Anyway, the issue is that I am nauseous about her past of sexual activity. Sometimes I am great and feel very supportive. Other times thoughts of it overtake me. The very idea that she thought her saying "very physical" clearly communicated "everything but vaginal sex" shows me that our thinking is different -and this is intimidating to me.

What makes it worse is that so many people have voluntarily (I didn't want to hear this!) told me lately that they had asked for a list of things in their wife and God answered. When someone says this, one of these things always has to do with virginity. Now, I don't believe that I must have a virgin. I believe that I must forgive pre-salvation.

But the post-salvation sin is consuming me- insecurity, hurt, etc. I am having a really hard time with this. I met her only months after this sin.

On the flip side, of course, she was WITH me during MY sin. But I can't seem to say "we're equal" and let it rest.

I'd love to hear a woman's thoughts.

 

[Godzman]

I am new to this forum today and I am impressed by a good deal of the input. Today has been a very difficult day for me, as my mind has been very disquieted. I am about 30, and I would really appreciate advice from folks in my age range.

My girlfriend and I shared some very difficult things recently.

She shared with me that she had been very sexually active before her salvation (I knew this, but not the extent) and had been active -but no vaginal sex- in her first relationship after her salvation (did not know this- she had said "very physical" and I misinterpreted). In rebellion over that relationship, she dated an unsaved man for a very short time and they kissed.

I shared with her that I was not very physical before I was saved, but that I had dabbled in pornography afterwards, even during our relationship. I am completely assured that, by God's grace, this issue is behind me. I have no draw to it now -thank God!- and see it as a perverted counterfeit. Confessing it to her and a mentor of mine decreased its draw 1000 fold.

Anyway, the issue is that I am nauseous about her past of sexual activity. Sometimes I am great and feel very supportive. Other times thoughts of it overtake me. The very idea that she thought her saying "very physical" clearly communicated "everything but vaginal sex" shows me that our thinking is different -and this is intimidating to me.

What makes it worse is that so many people have voluntarily (I didn't want to hear this!) told me lately that they had asked for a list of things in their wife and God answered. When someone says this, one of these things always has to do with virginity. Now, I don't believe that I must have a virgin. I believe that I must forgive pre-salvation.

But the post-salvation sin is consuming me- insecurity, hurt, etc. I am having a really hard time with this. I met her only months after this sin.

On the flip side, of course, she was WITH me during MY sin. But I can't seem to say "we're equal" and let it rest.

I'd love to hear a woman's thoughts.

I am not a gal and I don't offer much experience, but I do offer my prayers, and I pray that everything will work out with you and your girlfriend, and that God will be with you as you work things out.

 

[John the Engineer]

Again, not a woman (look at the sign above!) but speaking as someone who has dealt with something similar, I'll add in here.

It's very difficult to think that something so precious would be shared with someone else. It's not easy to get over it. And indeed you may not be able to get over it at all, but that's something to pray about. What you really have to do is look into her eyes, and see what means the most to you, who she is now, or who she was. Hopefully you'll say who she is, so you have to look to the Lord to help you let go of her past (he helped you let go of yours didn't he?)

Sex is something that outside of marriage removes some trust, especially if one or both sides are sexually active, or have been. Questions, even in marriage, come to mind, "How do I compare?" etc etc. This is something you're going to have to deal with. Don't think that you can just look to yourself and say, "It's ok" and that'll be the end of it. You have to look the Lord to help you move forward with the relationship and put it away from you if this relationship is of him. But then you need to put it away from you!

You also need to find out if it's something she's put behind her. If you two are commited to being a Christian couple according to God's will, then let her past be her past. As long as she has repented and asked the Lord's forgiveness, then let your relationship be whole! Remember that God gave her her purity back if she asked for it. Just as God gave you wholeness for your sins.

If you feel that you can't look past her mistakes, then you need to let her go, and you're going to have a lot of pain to deal with. And a lot of second guessing yourself I'm sure. But you need to talk with her about it, and pray about it. That's the only way to get through it.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Jeez dude let me lay myself out like this....i was a beilver in God all through HS...i did some pretty nasty stuff though...was I saved, i guess that is debatlable.....after giving up on the life I once lived I have fallen.... it was rough at first but a much needed wake up to call me to into a new realm...I personally needed that fall after I had been saved.... there is a lot of females that would have a very hard time getting past my past.... pre or post salvation.

She wasnt with you...she didnt cheat on you....im most situations she didnt even know you existed (this doesnt always apply).... I can not understand the frame of mind that..... "well this is her past and I cant deal with it".....then you arent ready for a relationship or a commited one. You take the person with there future past and present...you take them with the sins they have doen and will commit..... if you cant hang get out. Maybe its easy for me to say that...i have yet to meet a girl that only sexually but in a lot of other ways was as "bad" as me. Though the ones that i have gotten close to, one in particualr understands.....if any girl I ever befriend has beef with that....I'll walk....this usually leads to distrust and jeaoousy....unneeded and unwarrented at that..... bad bad bad...

Warrior Poet

 

[L.R.]

WP, I appreciate you. You've got style, brother. I need a few things, but among them is a slap.

 

[Warrior Poet]

/me slaps L.R ..

Better??



Warrior Poet

 

[L.R.]

Yes, much better.

I read your thing on dating/courting. I used to think a lot more like that. Still do, but I had become less ideal.

Things get more complicated in the church as women get older. But what my girl wants and what I want is a best friend, someone in my corner.

And we have never really had the chance to flex this aspect of our relationship because it has been so formal. Your dating/courting thing helped me to realize that it is that aspect that is most important. If that is there, then nothing is too large to overcome.

Keep rhyming.

Much Love

 

[Bookman]

Can you tell what her attitude is now? Is she genuinely BROKEN over her sin or does she treat it rather matter of factly? If she is genuinely grieved, then I'd try to work it out. If she is simply sharing the facts with you with minimum remorse, I'd tell I need some time and space and stop seeing her for awhile. A long while.

It could be that your nausea over this is God's way of telling you to back off and wait. YOU MUST HAVE PEACE ABOUT BOTH YOUR PASTS BEFORE YOU MOVE AHEAD WITH HER.

 

[L.R.]

Bookman.... She is broken. She is an upstanding woman and a leader in the church. We talk very openly about these things. Sometimes she does talk about things soberly- and that bothers me. But I believe it is because it does not have a hold on her. She is not going to regrieve over something because it is new to me, she says.

Sex was never emotional for her, she tells me. She has misused sex from a very young age and never used it to express love. I know that love can break down the walls that are there. She will be faithful- to me or someone else.

But it just haunts me to think that one of the very things that can break down her walls is the thing that she has given away.

 

[jenptcfan]

I am new to this forum today and I am impressed by a good deal of the input. Today has been a very difficult day for me, as my mind has been very disquieted. I am about 30, and I would really appreciate advice from folks in my age range.

My girlfriend and I shared some very difficult things recently.

She shared with me that she had been very sexually active before her salvation (I knew this, but not the extent) and had been active -but no vaginal sex- in her first relationship after her salvation (did not know this- she had said "very physical" and I misinterpreted). In rebellion over that relationship, she dated an unsaved man for a very short time and they kissed.

I shared with her that I was not very physical before I was saved, but that I had dabbled in pornography afterwards, even during our relationship. I am completely assured that, by God's grace, this issue is behind me. I have no draw to it now -thank God!- and see it as a perverted counterfeit. Confessing it to her and a mentor of mine decreased its draw 1000 fold.

Anyway, the issue is that I am nauseous about her past of sexual activity. Sometimes I am great and feel very supportive. Other times thoughts of it overtake me. The very idea that she thought her saying "very physical" clearly communicated "everything but vaginal sex" shows me that our thinking is different -and this is intimidating to me.

What makes it worse is that so many people have voluntarily (I didn't want to hear this!) told me lately that they had asked for a list of things in their wife and God answered. When someone says this, one of these things always has to do with virginity. Now, I don't believe that I must have a virgin. I believe that I must forgive pre-salvation.

But the post-salvation sin is consuming me- insecurity, hurt, etc. I am having a really hard time with this. I met her only months after this sin.

On the flip side, of course, she was WITH me during MY sin. But I can't seem to say "we're equal" and let it rest.

I'd love to hear a woman's thoughts.

Hi LR. First of all let me tell you that I'm really sorry to hear that you two are having to deal with this issue. My main question is this: Has she asked God's forgiveness for her post-salvation sins? Is she repentant and does she share your feelings that it was wrong?

I think it's natural for you to go through a period of "shock"...digesting this information and making sense of it all. I would say you should really spend some time in prayer specifically about this. Ask God to show you how to forgive her like HE's forgiven her...that means completely letting go of any hurt/insecurity/questions in the back of your mind.

I think that if someone has been involved sexually before salvation, it doesn't necessarily mean that their desires will just turn off like the flip of a switch after salvation. If God has forgiven her, then you have no basis to not forgive her (as hard as that might be).

But if you're going to forever think "I wish I was with a virgin...I wonder if she's thinking of her past guys right now...", then it's not good for you to be in that relationship. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to her.

Just know that people make mistakes...saved or unsaved. And sometimes people carry a lot of guilt for their past mistakes and wish wish wish they could go back in time and change things. But nobody can. And during those times when people ache for their mistakes, they need other believers to rally around them and support them. Please spend some time in prayer about this. You could really be an instrument of God's love to her.

J

 

[SirKenin]

I'm just thinking of something...

Is she any less of a woman now that you are aware of her sins than before? Or is she still the same great person with a dubious past?

I would hasten to suggest the latter, in which case the ball would lie in your court, not hers.

I wish I had time to type out more, but I have to run and pick up my kids. If I can think of something more to add I will, but I wish you all the best. I'm sure she's a great woman.

 

[SirKenin]

Yeah. Ok. One kid down... One to go. lol

Anyways. Where was I?

Oh. I don't think there's any reason to hold this lady's past against her. As a matter of fact, I would hasten to suggest that's unfair. Man, I have a crazy past. I would really hate for my lady to hold it against me and heaven forbid break up with me over it.

We all sin.. All our sins are equal in the eyes of God. Your lady lives with your past. You live with your lady's past. You accept each other for who they are now, hopefully having become better people learning from their past mistakes. Then, you grow together in your faith.

Please.. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

 

[L.R.]

This is all very good advice. I am not an Internet person and would usually not spend all this time here. But you guys are really great.

To answer a question, there are things that make more sense now that I know this stuff and she knows my stuff.

I had planned on not kissing her, for instance. But one night we did kiss passionately in a very romantic, public setting. I believe now that I let my standard down due to the pornography.

What I now know, though, through these recent conversations, is that she never wanted to kiss me. She lost respect in me that I kissed her and in the way that I kissed her. What I DID notice then, however, is that kissing for her unleashed a lot of stuff. And I was like, wow. Where is all this coming from?

From that point on, something switched in her that she wanted to kiss and always touch. She took that as love. Being a man, it was hard not to indulge in that. But our communication suffered. We lost friendship.

She started to dress to impress and I started to praise her appearance. And, in doing so, I dredged up a lot of bad stuff.

I affected her healing with little more than kisses. (A lesson to someone out there, I hope.)

 

[Living4Him03]

I'm a woman, but i'm only 21, so I don't know if that counts as your age range. I know how you feel. I also know how SHE feels. I am in a similar boat. It's kind of easy to forgive, but I think it's so hard to forget! I have made mistakes and my boyfriend has too, but I still struggle dealing with the mistakes he has made. I hate that he has touched other girls. But, I have no room to talk. The best thing to do is to allow God to change your heart so that you can once and for all forgive and forget and move on with your relationship.

 

[SirKenin]

Yeah, what she said ^^^

I am reasonably certain, having gone through it myself, that it will eat you alive if you don't.

 

[Katty]

Sex was never emotional for her, she tells me. She has misused sex from a very young age and never used it to express love. I know that love can break down the walls that are there. She will be faithful- to me or someone else.

But it just haunts me to think that one of the very things that can break down her walls is the thing that she has given away.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this makes me think that you seem to think that sex=love. That's a not an equation that makes sense to me.

I've been in your shoes before. The guys that I've chosen to get close to me have sexual histories... they're not proud of it, but the thing is, love is a choice. I chose to place myself in that position to "have to deal with" it. I've had my share of "experiences" too I guess you can call 'em, and I'd expect the same respect that I've shown these guys in return. I'm not proud of some of the stuff I've had happen, but it's happened. With my own past, if the guy can't deal with it, I wouldn't want him to stick around if it makes him uncomfortable or places him in a weird position to question who I am. I've come to "accept" that people make mistakes... no one is an exception. The guys that I've let into my world... (one in particular )are/is (an) incredible guy(s) despite their past... and the fact that honesty was the first thing that was presented, I didn't have the excuse to later on say "I didn't know." I chose to be in the place that I am... and I'm content with it. They've walked away as a better person and that is something that I admire.

I'm not saying that you don't have the "right" to be hurt or angry by any means, but whats been done has been done. You can't change her past and in most cases, to change someone's past is to change that person entirely. If she's walked away from her past as a better person, as twisted as it may seem, her past is what has shaped her into who she is today. If you really care about her and want to be with her, buff up and grow up with the knowledge that you have of her. If she's changed her ways and has sought after God's heart again, this is your chance to be like-Christ to her and forgive her also. I don't mean to be so harsh towards you, but love and commitment are choices that you make. I know you care about her because if you didn't, you wouldn't have sought out answers. I commend you for that but I do want to say that if you can't accept all of her, I suggest that you walk away from this blossoming relationship.

This of course is just my two cents. I hope all things work out well for you.

~Katty~

 

[DaveKerwin]

LR, I have some experience in this field. Both me and my fiancee dated very seriously when we were younger. There were physical things that should not have happened. When we started dating, we confessed these things to each other. We confessed absolutely everything. It was very sad, and we cried together for a while over it. It was painful to hear her past. And it was painful for her to hear mine. But that was before we knew each other, and that was when we were not living for Christ. Things are different now. Sometimes I still think about her past, and it pains me very much. This came up just the other day. I feel like Satan uses this as a tool to try and separate me emotionally from my fiancee. Here is what makes me feel better: First, I remember my own sin, and I remember that I made mistake of my own, I am equal if not WORSE than her. Secondly, and most importantly, Jesus Christ has forgiven her of all transgressions, and he does not remember sin. Jesus has covered ALL her sins, and made her white. She shines bright with the covering of the blood of Christ. When I look at her, I should be looking at her just as God does, without sin. She has been forgiven completely, 100% gone and done. Same wih my sin which I repented for. Today is what I focus on. Am I honoring God today with my sexuality? Is she? I do my best to forget about the past, because the past is gone, done, and forgiven completely. Satan is an accuser, do not let him bring those accusing thoughts into your mind. Fight for her, and win her. She is new, and so are you. Live in that newness and trust the forgiveness in Christ.

 

[L.R.]

Hey Guys,

Well, here is what I am praying for. My girlfriend and I are not going to be speaking until February (we had agreed on this earlier). I am praying for:

1. forgiveness of her past
2. greater friendship and love of her, and her for me
3. removal of my critical spirit
4. God to search me in the things that this is bringing out of me
5. her deep understanding of my perspective
6. PEACE! (that surpasses my understanding) I need PEACE!

If I don't have these things by the time we speak, I don't think that I can proceed.

 

[DaveKerwin]

well, remember that there are certain things that only God can give (like peace), but there are certain things he cannot do for you, like making the decision to forgive. That is up to you friend, so you need to do some work in this as well as pray about it.

My friend was not a virgin when he got married, but his wife was. He had to tell her, and he wondered if she would forgive him. I told him that if she did not forgive, then he should not be with her, because an unforgiving woman will provide a lifetime of hell. Guess what, people make mistakes all the time. If you cannot forgive her for this, will you be able to forgive her for lesser things that will happen for this point on? If you say yes, then you must forgive her for her past. People make mistakes man, and she made a big one. But guess what, you could easily have had sex with like ten girls if you were placed in the right circumstances. Anyone, and I mean anyone, is able to sin in ANY way if they are put in the right circumstances. So consider the fact that you were spared from the hurt she experienced in that, and in look into your own sinful heart, and find the compassion to forgive. And if you forgive her, do not go back on it and get hurt all over again, if she is forgiven, then she is forgiven, period.

but since you requested the prayer, I will pray for you now. Just know that complete forgiveness is possible. peace.

 

[TheFirstNoelle]

LR: I have a similar situation with my fiance. He was saved at 17, but became seriously backslidden in the first part of university ( I didn't know him then) before he got back into the church. And he knows how awful it is, and how much it hurts me - esp because he was saved then, and just didn't apply anything to his life. Then he was with this girl for a long time (briefly engaged actually), and although she was a "Christian" she was a "soft" Christian and not a spiritual support at all. They were sleeping together - although that bothers me much less than the casual sexual relationships he'd had years before.

My fiance is growing a lot in the Lord now -it helps that he now has people around him who share his beliefs. We still struggle with the physical stuff though - in a number of ways.

Let your girlfriend's past go. It's hard, I realize that. And it will always be there. But allow her to grow past that. Yes, Christians sin and become backslidden and give away their gift of intimacy to people they shouldn't have. But if they are repentant, we are to look at them as God looks at all of us - through the lens of Christ - as pure again.