Girlfriend's Past: Insecurity, Hypocrisy...?

[Cherberrie]

I know it's hard, but you can't hold her past against her, it would be a detriment to the growth of your relationship. I have a history I am not proud of. My fiance has a past, not quite to the extent of mine, though. We have shared this, though we did not tell stories and "reminisce" about our pasts, as details and stories can cause insecurities and doubt.

I guess my main piece of advice in all this (if she is repentant of her past), is to not linger on the whole issue. Asking detailed questions of her or her continually sharing stories of her past causes the issue to linger. You have to accept each other for who you are, noone can change the past. I'm not saying to ignore the issue, I'm just saying it's one of those issues that if brought up too much can cause unneccessary problems.

Hope this helps.

 

[Ampmonster]

at first my fiancee's crack smoking-lesbian past bothered me too, but it's truly in the past. God has let it go so we should too.
it still gets to me once in awhile, but i remember that dwelling on the past only interfers with the future.

 

[DaveKerwin]

I think dwelling on things that are past and forgiven is wrong. I catch myself doing it once and a while, and I try to retrain my mind so I don't do it. Sometimes I feel like I rebuke myself, not sure if that can happen, but I try to, because I don't want to be stuck on something that is unseen by God. I ought to worry about today, and living right in this moment.

 

[christianactor]

L.R. my advice is this.. if you and her marry just remember this is the woman you are going to have to be with for the rest of your life. Just because god forgave her and forgot about the sin she commited doesnt mean she is going to forget it. the people she slept with will always be with her. thats why its so important to marry equally yoked together. She is forgiven but will never be the same that she was, she has to live with this for the rest of her life, and if you marry her you will have to too. God has made her a new creation but remember she is still human.
I would reconsider marrying this woman. you are still unmarried and take this opprotunity while you still can to PRAY about it.. please connsider Gods plan for your life. just because your inlove with her does not mean your doing this god's way. God has the perfect woman out there for you. God knows the desires of your heart. When you are chosing a wife chose one that has been where you have, has had the same experiences and so forth. Remember there are many many many fishes in the sea, so dont chose one that is going to make you feel this way. If there is a woman that you are seeing and strife is coming to your heart... It might mean warning! Even though this woman is a christian and is forgiven she WILL compare you to others. Take some time out for you to ''take a swim in lake you'' If you feel this woman is god's way spend some hours praying about it.. I would suggest praying a few hours a day about this for you to go into God's throne room. many people dont pray this much so just think about how much awesome stuff god can do if you do this.. PRAY PRAY PRAY and read god's word and FAST. Go on a 40 day fast to seek the face of God.. if you are not able to give god this time then maybe you can't give your wife the time she needs. When you get married THATS IT!!! YOU AND HER ARE ON MIND ONE FLESH. PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY PRAY and God will give you your answer i promise you.

 

[JAS99]

I've been through a very similar situation to what you are going through.

My wife was sexually active when she was a teenager. She lost her virginity when she was 15 or 16. Dated this guy that was not saved for over 2 years and followed his lead into stuff she shouldnt have been doing. She was saved when she was young too so this was all after being saved. Her parents' mariage was falling apart and I guess she was looking for love and acceptance and wanted to maintain the relationship and thats what it took.
She knew she had been living in sin and even felt convicted about it but still stuck with it.

So I come along and I am the man God planed out for her her whole life. She had to tell me about her past and it broke both of our hearts. I havent done anything farther than kissing (no touching no real life nudity.. honestly just kissing) in all my 26 years up till I married her that is I told myself my whole life that I was saving myself for my wife. And I prayed every night that God would keep my future wife. Well a few years before I met her I started praying a little different almost on God's lead even though I didnt know my future. I prayed that God protect her and that if she was living in sin that she would have the strength to seperate herself from it and cling to God. Also after I met her and went through all this pain over her past I realized that I had been maintaining my purity for her not for God. Which is completely wrong. It falls apart that way. Sexual sins are sins just like all of the sins I have in my past. May have different consiquences but they are all turning your back on God and trusting yourself.

It all boils down to who she really is. Is this woman you are dating genuinely sold out to God now? If she is accept that she is a sinner. And build your relatoinship completely on God. Also keep in focus that you are a sinner and just as lost without Christ as she is. My wife's past is painful. I still struggle with it on very rare occasions (been with her for two years, just got married 1.5 months ago) You'll struggle with it on different levels. Ya learn to deal with parts of it and not think about them anymore and somethign will remind you of it. Ya just have to push the thought out of your mind and realize that you are with her now. Her past is gone. Focus on who she is to you and who she is in God's eyes. God redeemed us. You can be her redeemer. Love her as he loved the church.

Oh.. and on the point of insecurities over her past. Yeah that stuff stinks and it can affect you. Its hard to get past some of that. But realize that she loves you and that future sex with you will be far better than anything she has had before because she will be in love with you. And you will truely be in love with her not just using her. Women think about this whole sex thing from a completley different angle that we do. So a lot of your fears wouldnt even make complete sense to her.

If you love her and can forgive her stick with it. Its going to be hard and the pain of her past wont just disappear right away. It sorta lingers and fades as you realize what really matters over time.

 

[charligirl]

OK, this is my view.. as a married 33 year old woman who has done all the things your girlfriend has...

I think you are being unfair to her and perhaps a little bit of a hypocrite..l don't mean to sound harsh but this was the topic Whatever she did in her past is forgiven, from what you have said about the sin AFTER salvation, she is repentant and so that is forgiven also. My view of 'very physical' would also mean 'anything but intercourse' so I don't think she was misleading there.

You acknowledge that you committed your sin whilst you were together.. I am assuming you have discussed this and she has forgiven you? As a woman, I would find that VERY hard, her sin was in an affectionate (albeit backslidden, misguided and sinful) boyfriend/girlfriend relationship... whilst porn is just plain degrading to women ... and the man who falls for it. Please understand, I do not think there is any 'grade' to sin, nor am I condoning what she did, that is not my point, I am just trying to see things from her point of view...perhaps she is still troubled deep down about your fall into porn?

Just because god forgave her and forgot about the sin she commited doesnt mean she is going to forget it. the people she slept with will always be with her. .... She is forgiven but will never be the same that she was, she has to live with this for the rest of her life. .... Even though this woman is a christian and is forgiven she WILL compare you to others.

Whilst I agree with christianactor that you should pray and fast and REALLY seek God about marriage, I think he is wrong about the stuff I have quoted above

I was celebate, a 'born-again' virgin if you like, for the 9 years between coming back to God and getting married. God forgave me and healed me of all sorts of brokeness in this area. I do not believe the people I slept with are 'always with me' and I don't compare past partners to my husband... what an awful thought!

Christianactor is talking like she will be forever tainted or tarnished... I say that is rubbish, God makes new and the former things are no more. The only reason why a woman would be affected by this for the rest of her life is if others don't let her forget... and she keeps holding on to it out of shame.

You need to pray about this together.. perhaps attend relationship counselling to deal with these issues.. that is if you believe you are called to marriage at some point.

Sorry if I have been blunt.. just giving my honest opinion.

 

[Stanfi]

I think the first thing that we need to remeber is that to God, sin is sin. All sin seperates us from God. Whether it be a little white lie, or fornication.

Second you have to realize that everything we experience in life forms who we are. If this girl had not went through what she has, she probably would not be the same person she is now.

Most importantly we all sin. There is "none righteous, not one". God has forgiven her, and you need to due the same. If she is being open with you about her past, it is because she trusts you.

It sounds like today she is a good christian lady involved with her church. She obviously trusts you, and I am sure that she loves you. I think you should be thankful God has put someone like this in your life.

I am close to your age. If I loved this girl, and she was special to me, I would forgive her, and thank God for her.

 

[christianactor]

Whilst I agree with christianactor that you should pray and fast and REALLY seek God about marriage, I think he is wrong about the stuff I have quoted above

God will make you a new creature when forgiveness is given but not the same creature.... she will be made new while you are a different creature. connsider the facts of this if deciding to marry.

 

[charligirl]

God will make you a new creature when forgiveness is given but not the same creature.... she will be made new while you are a different creature. connsider the facts of this if deciding to marry.

We are all new creatures and all very different, I can't see how this is an issue. This all happened BEFORE they started going out so actually she hasn't changed at all during the relationship.. he on the other hand has because he was working through his issues whilst they were together.