Girlfriend struggling with commitment

[Seraphim19]

Hey guys, I've sent an avalanche of threads like this over the last few months but here comes another:

My girlfriend and I were talking tonight (and this issue is not new, it has just been dormant for a long time) and I asked her if she would consider talking about engagement in the next few months. She told me that part of her really wants to feel like like she can hold her own: have a job, have her own "place" and just feel like she is taking care of herself solely because her parents still treat her like a child in college.

Thats not all: more importantly, we got to the issue of commitment and she told me that she has been torn for a while. (FYI: I am her first boyfriend, first kiss, first date, first everything save sex of course) Despite the fact that she is absolutely crazy about me and in love with me, part of her wants to date/have dated other boys so she knows that our relationship is the best. She wants these feelings to go away, but she can't, they are just "in" her and she doesn't know what to do. It puts me in an awkward position because I HAVE dated people before her and got my heart broken and I wish I could help her understand that it is not worth it. In a way, she is blessed to be in such a wonderful relationship but she is having trouble understanding that because of everything I just said.

Seems right now that the only option is to break up. Except that wouldn't make any sense. She does not want to date any other guys. She has no desire, its just "in" her to have the knowledge of other guys in her past and be able to sit down and say, " this relationship I am in with Scott is the most wonderful, and special relationship and I don't ever want to lose him. I feel like God is really leading us to be together for the rest of our lives. No other guy or relationship can compare to this.

Do y'all get where I am coming from? What do you think?

 

[ignorant and stupid]

I'd love to hear from people who believe dating as many people as you can is the way to go. My non Christian friends always think I'm crazy, one person, one right relationship. I don't know does God tell you to go out with someone knowing its not going to work out?

I'm sure my mind has suggested it would be good to have sex with several supermodels to see what it would be like... so that I know my wife would be the best in bed.

Its just frankly a lie. If you took the ideal, the before the fall perfect scenario. You wouldn't even look at another woman with any intensions, except your wife. Let alone go out, date, kiss, caress, fondle.

A big fact about relationships is: "They always look good and easy from the start, after 1,3,5 and 20 years of marriage they go through hard patches."

You can't 'try everyone'. Marriage is the best relationship. God made it. The person God tells you to marry (sometimes he does like you to use your own initiative) is the best. Period.

You'll NEVER know if you could of had a better relationship with someone else, until you are married. I'm just mouthing off now, but I'm enjoying it.

As a guy its very important to do 2 contradictory things at the same time.

1. Give her freedom to be herself the way God made her.
2. Fight for her like you'll die if she leaves.

Both of those things women fundamentally seem to want, God bless them they make our lives interesting. I'd love to explain how to do that practically, but I think God's keeping that secret for heaven...

God bless ya...

 

[eyeliv4God]

My girlfriend and I were talking tonight (and this issue is not new, it has just been dormant for a long time) and I asked her if she would consider talking about engagement in the next few months. She told me that part of her really wants to feel like like she can hold her own: have a job, have her own "place" and just feel like she is taking care of herself solely because her parents still treat her like a child in college.

Thats not all: more importantly, we got to the issue of commitment and she told me that she has been torn for a while. (FYI: I am her first boyfriend, first kiss, first date, first everything save sex of course) Despite the fact that she is absolutely crazy about me and in love with me, part of her wants to date/have dated other boys so she knows that our relationship is the best. She wants these feelings to go away, but she can't, they are just "in" her and she doesn't know what to do. It puts me in an awkward position because I HAVE dated people before her and got my heart broken and I wish I could help her understand that it is not worth it. In a way, she is blessed to be in such a wonderful relationship but she is having trouble understanding that because of everything I just said.

Seems right now that the only option is to break up. Except that wouldn't make any sense. She does not want to date any other guys. She has no desire, its just "in" her to have the knowledge of other guys in her past and be able to sit down and say, " this relationship I am in with Scott is the most wonderful, and special relationship and I don't ever want to lose him. I feel like God is really leading us to be together for the rest of our lives. No other guy or relationship can compare to this.

Do y'all get where I am coming from? What do you think?

I'm really not trying to burst your bubble, but do you think maybe she's torn between staying with you and leaving you for some reason? 'Cause if she really thought that your relationship was the best, she wouldn't be so curious and feel the need to find that out by trying to compare you to other guys...

Of course, being young with little to no experience in the dating world under your belt, it's understandable to sometimes question things.

Now, I'm only 19 years old, so I can't really say anything as far as age, but I don't feel the need to really "go out there" and "see what else is out there". This is because, in my eyes, I've already got the best.

Just my two cents...

 

[Seraphim19]

I'm really not trying to burst your bubble, but do you think maybe she's torn between staying with you and leaving you for some reason? 'Cause if she really thought that your relationship was the best, she wouldn't be so curious and feel the need to find that out by trying to compare you to other guys...

Of course, being young with little to no experience in the dating world under your belt, it's understandable to sometimes question things.

Now, I'm only 19 years old, so I can't really say anything as far as age, but I don't feel the need to really "go out there" and "see what else is out there". This is because, in my eyes, I've already got the best.

Just my two cents...

Oh no, she is not torn at all. I asked her and she told me upfront that there are no other guys at all - just what if's. Like I said before, she has no desire to be with anyone else. This issue she is having is not with me, just with circumstances. All it is is a little "itch" in her mind and she doesn't know how to overcome it.

I don't know how to react because she is not looking for another serious relationship, (she is not even looking remember) she just wishes she had had past expereriences to be able to be completely confident in our relationship.

I am personally very angry because I think the whole idea of "dating" is rediculous. Finding a marriage partner was not meant to be like this. I hate how that has been perverted in society. Blahhhh.

 

[Maeyken]

I've never dated anyone except for my fiance, so I guess I'm in a similar position to your gf. However, like you I also don't see the need for dating around.

For me, love is a choice you make. Just like buying a new shirt: You only have money to buy one shirt today. You see a shirt you like in the mall. It's the first one you see that day, and it's unique- there are no others like it. You try it on. It fits really well. Now, you have to decide whether to purchase it, or to look around to see what other shirts are out there, to ensure that this is the best one. But, the shirt might be gone by the time you get back. What do you do? You've got a big decision to make.

Now, go back and think over that situation... but think of the "shirt" as the marriage partner, and the decision to "buy" as the decision to marry. (yes, you have to stretch it a little...)

Love is a decision. You can choose to be committed to a relationship. Like any major life decision, there will always be some little "what if's" around, but at some point, you have to stop and say "I know I have the best for me. This is what I have chosen, and I will make it work"

Maybe the above will help your gf... maybe it won't. I hope it helps!

 

[AceHero]

Thats not all: more importantly, we got to the issue of commitment and she told me that she has been torn for a while. (FYI: I am her first boyfriend, first kiss, first date, first everything save sex of course) Despite the fact that she is absolutely crazy about me and in love with me, part of her wants to date/have dated other boys so she knows that our relationship is the best.

If she really does love you, then there should be no reason to have second thoughts.

She wants these feelings to go away, but she can't, they are just "in" her and she doesn't know what to do. It puts me in an awkward position because I HAVE dated people before her and got my heart broken and I wish I could help her understand that it is not worth it. In a way, she is blessed to be in such a wonderful relationship but she is having trouble understanding that because of everything I just said.

That should show her that you are right for her because you haven't broken her heart!

Seems right now that the only option is to break up. Except that wouldn't make any sense. She does not want to date any other guys. She has no desire, its just "in" her to have the knowledge of other guys in her past and be able to sit down and say, " this relationship I am in with Scott is the most wonderful, and special relationship and I don't ever want to lose him. I feel like God is really leading us to be together for the rest of our lives. No other guy or relationship can compare to this.

This is understandable. My cousin went out with her future husband in high school, and they were married for 19 years until his untimely death. These things are possible. You just need to remind her not only that she is right for you, but that you are right for her.

 

[starprincess]

Sorry to say i was in a relationship similar to yours a few yrs ago.
I was aournd 15 or 16 , he was 19.

My first relationship....not sure why i was in the relationship at the time.
After a few mths i was questioning whether i really loved the guy or not..
Being my first relationship i was wondering maybe if there was more of life i had not seen and discovered yet.

to conclude it all... I think i was just too young to be in anything that serious..he was head over heels with me.
Just did not feel the way about him,that he did about me.

hope you are not fustrated after reading this....It may not relate to your situation in anyway ..

 

[Inperfected]

If she really does love you, then there should be no reason to have second thoughts.

Careful, I've had second thought on my engagement, but in MO WAY WHATSOEVER, does that mean I don't love him...

She will most likely completely love you, but I do understand her perspective... She's probably scared that she may be able to have something better with someone else than with you... (I'm assuming since you said she wants to be able to "know" your the best) There is a couple of ways to get around this, both of which are costly to you...
Firstly the obvious, end it and let her work that out (or not as the case may be), secondly, ask her what you could do to make her feel more loved... My boyfriend got a big long list (poor him) and when i hear something now like "I got you something tonight" i go googahh inside... That one way he can especially get through to my heart..

SO my first suggestion for the second route is to buy "5 love languages (with your mate)" and read it. This book may help you see what things you aren't doing to love her in the way she wants to be loved. Secondly ifshe likes it (and sometimes you won't know that well whether she does..so do it a few times anyway) romance her and suprise her with things...

For examples, my fiance has done some of these with me, some are things I'd love... He took me to the top of a REALLY high mountian with our two best friends... Somewhat like a double date (they live together) He'd be txting my best mate about it all day, and hiding txts from me, but telling me there was a suprise he was planning, i still think on it with delight... He buys me little things... He'll buy me something that I really want in a shop. He take me on a walk. He'll show me places that are special to him. He'll take me with him whereever he goes, he'll tell me he misses and loves me.

Simply, if you didn't get it, he does things without expecting things back, that is what love is, and start doing more ofthat and it may help

Sorry I went off on a tangent a little... Judge what I had to say for your own specific situation.

 

[invisiblebabe]

Don't answer this question if you feel it's too personal, but have you gone 'too far' with the other girls you've dated, in the past?

If so, I can understand her feelings to some degree. I'm not saying they're healthy feelings or desires, but they are understandable.