Girlfriend of 18 Months is Being Confusing

[steamboatpaul]

Hi everyone,

Currently, I'm in a situation where I'm really trying to seek Biblical counsel and guidance. It's kind of long, but there is a lot to it.

At the end of 2011, I started dating this girl. We started getting pretty serious somewhat quickly and we both always hoped that we were "the one". We're both in our early twenties.

Throughout our relationship though, there were some communication issues but it was stuff we always worked through. Periodically (about 2-3 times) I caught her in these white lies and even though they weren't really much, they still hurt. A few months ago though I really was praying about if she was actually the one that God has willed me to marry and love like Christ loves the church - unconditionally. We ended up "taking a break" because I truthfully wasn't sure and felt like it wouldn't be right for me to keep in the relationship while trying to re-evaluate if I could love her the way God has called a man to love his wife.

During that time, I saw God doing work in my heart and I realized about two months into the break that I really did want to love her in all of her mistakes and pursue her like Christ loved the church. I realized that rather than extending grace and leading her in those issues, I victimized myself. Looking back on it now, I really am convicted by the lack of leadership I showed.

It's hard to fully describe but I just felt like the Lord was telling me to be still for two months and then one weekend my heart just turned around and I felt as if the Lord was telling me to pursue her as best I could.

Now, for those two months, she kept telling me that she felt as if the Lord was telling her to wait for me. (Even up until about two weeks ago she was telling me this.) When I finally told her I was ready to pursue her, she said her feelings had changed. (This is about a week ago and a week earlier she told me that she felt God was telling her to wait for me.)

We saw each other this past weekend and things were just like the old times, she was holding my hand and we were laughing but she kept saying she couldn't re-enter it. I would obviously ask, "Why?" and she just kept replying with "Cause". I asked her if she still loved me, she said she didn't know.

Last night we were kind of texting and she just told me it would be best for the both of us if I didn't pursue her anymore. I asked if there was another guy, and she assured me there wasn't.

So I guess you can see how I'm really stuck. I felt as if God really brought me to this point where I could love her really well and how a man should love a wife, and now she doesn't want it. I really am praying through everything and I do feel as if the Lord is telling me to pursue her but I don't really know what that is supposed to look like right now. (We live in different states and she won't really respond to my text messages or answer my calls.)

Obviously, I'm praying about it and seeking counsel from a bunch of different people and really the only thing I can do is trust in the Lord and his timing will be perfect, but it's still really hard.

First and foremost if you could pray for me/us and that God would really show us His will. Prayer is the most powerful thing, I know this truly and I would appreciate any prayer.

Secondly, can anyone tell me how she is actually feeling? Is she confused? Does she really not want me to pursue her? Has anyone been in a similar situation like this? I'd appreciate really anything and everything.

-steamboatpaul

“The splendor of a human heart that trusts it is loved unconditionally gives God more pleasure than Westminster Cathedral, the Sistine Chapel, Beethoven’s “Ninth Symphony”, Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”, the sight of 10,000 butterflies in flight, or the scent of a million orchids in bloom. Trust is our gift back to God, and he finds it so enchanting that Jesus died for love of it.” - Brennen Manning

 

[seashale76]

Secondly, can anyone tell me how she is actually feeling? Is she confused? Does she really not want me to pursue her? Has anyone been in a similar situation like this?

She's feeling like she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and she's making that clear. Yes- she really doesn't want you to pursue her. She's not your girlfriend anymore. You 'took a break'. This means you weren't in a relationship during that time- and you still aren't in one.

Many girls don't like to be mean- so what to you is a seemingly sudden change of heart on her part- may actually just be her finally vocalizing her true feelings after she's had time to get over any emotional upheaval the relationship may have caused her. From personal experience I can tell you that I didn't like hurting feelings during a breakup. In one case I didn't care because the guy was awful- and a month after the end- I wondered what the heck I had been thinking in the first place.

Despite your feelings that God has told you she's 'the one' and that you should pursue her- no amount of you feeling this way can change someone else's mind.

I'll tell you what I told someone else this past week on here. It's a true story. My mother was a PK and went to a college that had a seminary attached. Back in the those days most students- especially future ministers- wanted to get married before starting their ministries and everyone was under greater pressure to marry earlier than they do today. My mom had a ton of guys who told her that God confirmed for them that she was 'the one' and that they felt it was God's will for them to marry her. I'll repeat: A heck of a lot of guys said this to her. They were all 100% serious and really believed that. She didn't marry any of them- and wound up meeting my dad a few years later after she had a career (who didn't attempt to tell her it was God's will that she marry him) and has been married to him for over 40 years now.

When my husband and I decided to get married- we just 'knew'. There was no 'God told us this or that'. We decided we didn't want to live the rest of our lives without the other one in it- and it was very natural and mutual.

 

[SalvationAtYourFingertips]

You got this buddy. This is classic. God wants you two together. This current "I'm not wanting you anymore" is from the flesh and from satan. And God has allowed this to happen to test you. You are going to pursue her.

 

[seashale76]

You got this buddy. This is classic. God wants you two together. This current "I'm not wanting you anymore" is from the flesh and from satan. And God has allowed this to happen to test you. You are going to pursue her.

No- means no.

1) They live in different states.
2) The girl told him she doesn't want to re-enter a relationship with him in person.
3) She told him that she doesn't know if she loves him (which is the nice way of saying 'no- I don't love you- but I don't want to hurt your feelings').
4) She reiterated via texting that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with this guy anymore- and that it was for the best to end things.
5) This is not a case of God wanting the two of them together and Satan getting in the way and testing this guy. If it is really God's will- then both of these people will be on the same page. It will not be forced or coerced or guilted or manipulated into reality. Miraculous confirmations from God will actually not be needed AT ALL.

 

[steamboatpaul]

5) This is not a case of God wanting the two of them together and Satan getting in the way and testing this guy. If it is really God's will- then both of these people will be on the same page. It will not be forced or coerced or guilted or manipulated into reality. Miraculous confirmations from God will actually not be needed AT ALL.

I do appreciate your response and I see what you're saying. And if that's truly the case, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then I just have to fully trust God in that - which I'm doing now, but it's leading me to many questions..

Why would she continually tell me she felt as if the Lord was telling her to wait for me, up until the time when I was ready to pursue her? I truly do trust her and her relationship with God, but it's just little confusing that God was telling her one thing for so long, and then when I felt as if God brought me there, her feelings changed. Why would God bring me so far if it really wasn't His will? I know that you can't answer that question and only He can, but still, it's just left me really confused. As a friend has told me countless times, not everything is black and white with God.

 

[Albion]

You'll never get anywhere trying to second-guess what she thinks God has in mind for her, but as far as your own journey, it sounds as though God has taught you a lot about what you value and should look for in a marriage. It may just not include this particular girl.

In any case, you can't talk her into a change of heart, so let her go; and if she regrets it in time, she'll be contracting you. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do but go on with your life.

 

[Avniel]

No- means no.

1) They live in different states.
2) The girl told him she doesn't want to re-enter a relationship with him in person.
3) She told him that she doesn't know if she loves him (which is the nice way of saying 'no- I don't love you- but I don't want to hurt your feelings').
4) She reiterated via texting that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with this guy anymore- and that it was for the best to end things.
5) This is not a case of God wanting the two of them together and Satan getting in the way and testing this guy. If it is really God's will- then both of these people will be on the same page. It will not be forced or coerced or guilted or manipulated into reality. Miraculous confirmations from God will actually not be needed AT ALL.

Maybe it was God's will and he(flesh) just messed up a good thing. He breaks up with a woman he cares for because he doesn't like that she tells "white lies" whatever that means. He breaks up with her not because she did something to him but a personal flaw she has....He then questions the purpose of their 18 month relationship, he then decides this is what God wants and he goes back to her but she doesn't want him, why?

Women like stability, he broke up with her because of a flaw making him appear to be better then her, then he comes back to her and says "baby God wants us to be together" both arrogant and unstable.

He really did come off like a jerk, I'm not calling him a jerk just stating that probably what she's thinking, and I can understand why she doesn't want to be with him.

What ever happened to just having a good time dating? What ever happened to getting to know someone before thinking of marriage?

I think the entire "God wants us to be together" is a cover up for I broke up with her and I want her back because I messed up. But she will never except that apology and get back with him because he exposed a part of his character "lead her out of her wickedness" arrogance, self righteous, unreliable, judgemental, not understanding.

Simply put she found out that he doesn't love her, and either she was one great dad or her mom is one strong woman....because if I have a daughter I pray that she would do the same thing.

I noticed how so little is about what you put her through, 18 months then is this God's choice......you wasted her time, toyed with her feelings and then come back expecting open arms?


To the OP best thing you can do is send her 24 flowers(2 dozen) write her a two page letter and you should tell her that you messed up, how you messed up, how it must have made her feel, then how sorry you are, you need to list all of your flaws(leave out spiritual flaws), how you will do better, why you will do better then apologies and say how each thing affects her. Finally you will list all the wonderful things about her, all the things you miss, how it felt when she wasn't your girlfriend.....then you end it with I respect your choice and again I'm sorry. Do not contact her after that at all, if she texts you thank you just say your welcome I miss you and leave it there.

 

[Avniel]

I do appreciate your response and I see what you're saying. And if that's truly the case, if she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, then I just have to fully trust God in that - which I'm doing now, but it's leading me to many questions..

Why would she continually tell me she felt as if the Lord was telling her to wait for me, up until the time when I was ready to pursue her? I truly do trust her and her relationship with God, but it's just little confusing that God was telling her one thing for so long, and then when I felt as if God brought me there, her feelings changed. Why would God bring me so far if it really wasn't His will? I know that you can't answer that question and only He can, but still, it's just left me really confused. As a friend has told me countless times, not everything is black and white with God.

Maybe it wasn't God'swill for you to break up with her.....and maybe your on a "40 year" journey because you didnt listen to what He was saying. Maybe it wasn't God telling you to pursue her.

 

[BFine]

Honestly it's sounds to me like you and your ex-gf aren't ready for
such a serious commitment as marriage with one another...this is why
the relationship failed.

 

[steamboatpaul]

Maybe it wasn't God'swill for you to break up with her.....and maybe your on a "40 year" journey because you didnt listen to what He was saying. Maybe it wasn't God telling you to pursue her.

I strongly have considered both of these options and it's really something I am praying through. I know that when we took the break, it was based more on emotion and logic rather than seeking the Lord's face. I know that for the past two months I've been seeking Him more fervently and I know that my heart has truly come a long way and I think that is all the Lord and not emotion/flesh. I truly can see the Lord's fingerprints in all of this and I guess I'll have to wait and see what He's creating.

For the record, (Not too sure if this will change anything) when we were "taking a break" I would always tell her and assure her that I was preparing myself for her and that loving her better was my end goal - and it truly was.

 

[Inkachu]

Nobody here can tell you what another person is thinking or feeling. So, just forget about that right here and now

HOWEVER... the word that comes to mind is FRIENDZONED.

Your relationship has been lukewarm from the beginning, from what I'm reading here. If you have to break up and take time apart to even know if you want to be together (and you aren't even engaged or married yet)... not a good sign.

It's WAY TOO EASY for a young, immature, or unsteady Christian to interpret their emotions as "God speaking" or "God laid this on my heart" stuff. God doesn't give vague, confusing messages to His children. When He tells you something, you KNOW IT, instantly, completely, and totally.

I'd break it off and spend some serious time apart (like... months... at least). If you STILL want to be together in a few months or a year, try it again. I doubt this will ever be a fireworks-and-trumpets relationship, but hey, some people are just looking for someone nice and compatible.

 

[kton16]

I too have been in a similar predicument. I feel the SAME way you do, cause Im going through it now. I will tell you that you must be patient, if not your going to read into things and gain speculations. I know it hurts, but draw nigh unto God and let him do everything! Give it some time, and give her time!! God told me that girl, to stop talking to....it was hard! It took me time to let go, but I know she needs time to herself and to figure out what she has to do and grow with God. God knows we arent perfect, so give her time. She seems "not sure". Let God reveal something to her, with you in the way its confusing. Message me and I will be glad to talk to you more so you dont dwell on it. Godbless

 

[steamboatpaul]

I too have been in a similar predicument. I feel the SAME way you do, cause Im going through it now. I will tell you that you must be patient, if not your going to read into things and gain speculations. I know it hurts, but draw nigh unto God and let him do everything! Give it some time, and give her time!! God told me that girl, to stop talking to....it was hard! It took me time to let go, but I know she needs time to herself and to figure out what she has to do and grow with God. God knows we arent perfect, so give her time. She seems "not sure". Let God reveal something to her, with you in the way its confusing. Message me and I will be glad to talk to you more so you dont dwell on it. Godbless

I guess there's a reason why the first word Paul uses to describe love is patient. Thanks!

 

[SalvationAtYourFingertips]

I'll tell you a personal story. My friend, before he was married, was not after a girl. She, however, wanted him. Both of them were leaders in a church group and knew God. God told her to stop talking to him. After a while, he noticed she was ignoring him and started pursuing her. Today they are married.

I have another friend in the same situation. God told Him similar things He told you but his wife wants nothing to do with him. I understand what you are going through. Don't listen to the naysayers here, they are lying.

 

[hedrick]

I'll tell you a personal story. My friend, before he was married, was not after a girl. She, however, wanted him. Both of them were leaders in a church group and knew God. God told her to stop talking to him. After a while, he noticed she was ignoring him and started pursuing her. Today they are married.

I have another friend in the same situation. God told Him similar things He told you but his wife wants nothing to do with him. I understand what you are going through. Don't listen to the naysayers here, they are lying.

I believe the last sentence of this response completely undermines its credibility. No one can know another's heart, or what God is doing with them. We can only give advice based on our experience, anything specific in Scripture, and kinds of things we've seen happen. That advice may well be wrong. But that goes for yours as well. There is simply no justification to call all the other participants liars.

 

[SalvationAtYourFingertips]

You are wrong sir. God only knows the heart, however, as His bride, we are called to partake in everything with Him. God has given me the gift of feeling people's hearts. Also, I only write what the Spirit tells me.

 

[Avniel]

You are wrong sir. God only knows the heart, however, as His bride, we are called to partake in everything with Him. God has given me the gift of feeling people's hearts. Also, I only write what the Spirit tells me.

You have the gift of judging? When you are reading a persons heart you are judging their soul. I don't really understand



Mat 7:1 (KJV) "Judge not, that ye be not judged..."

8 For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;

9 To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;

10 To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues:

11 But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will.


The gift of judging ones heart is an abstract notion can you clarify what you mean?

 

[Inkachu]

You are wrong sir. God only knows the heart, however, as His bride, we are called to partake in everything with Him. God has given me the gift of feeling people's hearts. Also, I only write what the Spirit tells me.

Well, since I wasn't "lying" as you accused earlier, there are two options:

1. You're wrong.
2. God lies to you.

Which is it?

 

[amandatea]

Well, since I wasn't "lying" as you accused earlier, there are two options:

1. You're wrong.
2. God lies to you.

Which is it?

Or it's not actually God speaking to him, but someone representing themself as God.



OP, by what you described, she is not interested. Give her time/space. If she is "the one", she will come back. True love is doing what's best for others, not forcing ourselves on them. I'm sure she would appreciate and believe that you love her a ton more if you just back off. Let her come to you if she desires to.

 

[Albion]

I'm sure she would appreciate and believe that you love her a ton more if you just back off. Let her come to you if she desires to.

...and that's just about all there is to know.