Girlfriend of 18 Months is Being Confusing

[NewUser777]

When my husband and I decided to get married- we just 'knew'. There was no 'God told us this or that'. We decided we didn't want to live the rest of our lives without the other one in it- and it was very natural and mutual.

This is how a marriage should be. You should just "know".

 

[Inkachu]

Same here. We "knew" right away.

That doesn't mean you instantly become completely acquainted with the other person, or that you set a wedding date instantly lol. It still takes months or years to get acquainted, just like any other relationship. There are still bumps and struggles and miscommunications along the way. But the assurance that you are where God wants you to be.. is always steady. The relationship is never forced. It develops a life of its own. I used to describe it as "being along for the ride"

 

[steamboatpaul]

Same here. We "knew" right away.

That doesn't mean you instantly become completely acquainted with the other person, or that you set a wedding date instantly lol. It still takes months or years to get acquainted, just like any other relationship. There are still bumps and struggles and miscommunications along the way. But the assurance that you are where God wants you to be.. is always steady. The relationship is never forced. It develops a life of its own. I used to describe it as "being along for the ride"

It's crazy because what we had when we were dating, was just that for the most part, we both "knew" and we would always talk about how we would see God at work in bringing us together for that. And I think even up until two weeks ago she would have told you the same thing - that she "just knew" and she felt like the Lord was calling her to wait for me - and then one day, nothing. All that disappeared and that's why I'm so confused.

In reading these responses and in prayer in the past few weeks, I truly have seen how breaking up with her at the time weren't from the Lord but truly concerning my own emotions. I've seen the pride and wickedness in my heart and I apologized for it and asked her to extend me grace.

I'll continue to give it time and pray about it - I trust the Lord is at work and His work is perfect, just hard sometime.

 

[thesunisout]

First and foremost if you could pray for me/us and that God would really show us His will. Prayer is the most powerful thing, I know this truly and I would appreciate any prayer.

Secondly, can anyone tell me how she is actually feeling? Is she confused? Does she really not want me to pursue her? Has anyone been in a similar situation like this? I'd appreciate really anything and everything.

-steamboatpaul

“The splendor of a human heart that trusts it is loved unconditionally gives God more pleasure than Westminster Cathedral, the Sistine Chapel, Beethoven’s “Ninth Symphony”, Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”, the sight of 10,000 butterflies in flight, or the scent of a million orchids in bloom. Trust is our gift back to God, and he finds it so enchanting that Jesus died for love of it.” - Brennen Manning

Hi Paul,

I will pray for you. My sense of this is that you have heard from God but the girl in question is being deceived. I think prayer is the only thing which will make a difference at this point. I understand what you're going through and I know that relationships can be very confusing when it comes to figuring out Gods will. Sometimes it is immediately obvious what God wants and sometimes we have to grope for it. Sounds like in this case you are having to grope for God and totally depend on and trust Him for the answer, as we should always do. I hope it works out for you. God bless brother.

 

[steamboatpaul]

Hi Paul,

I will pray for you. My sense of this is that you have heard from God but the girl in question is being deceived. I think prayer is the only thing which will make a difference at this point. I understand what you're going through and I know that relationships can be very confusing when it comes to figuring out Gods will. Sometimes it is immediately obvious what God wants and sometimes we have to grope for it. Sounds like in this case you are having to grope for God and totally depend on and trust Him for the answer, as we should always do. I hope it works out for you. God bless brother.

Thank you and I really do appreciate the prayer.

 

[Inkachu]

It's crazy because what we had when we were dating, was just that for the most part, we both "knew" and we would always talk about how we would see God at work in bringing us together for that. And I think even up until two weeks ago she would have told you the same thing - that she "just knew" and she felt like the Lord was calling her to wait for me - and then one day, nothing. All that disappeared and that's why I'm so confused.

In reading these responses and in prayer in the past few weeks, I truly have seen how breaking up with her at the time weren't from the Lord but truly concerning my own emotions. I've seen the pride and wickedness in my heart and I apologized for it and asked her to extend me grace.

I'll continue to give it time and pray about it - I trust the Lord is at work and His work is perfect, just hard sometime.

OK, see, if she KNEW two weeks ago, and now she just randomly "doesn't know''... God's not in this relationship. God does not create/author confusion. God does not give conflicting messages. I KNOW what it's like to think that somebody is just so "good" for you, that you work REALLY hard to convince yourself that God put them in your life and wants you to be with them. I've been through it. I had a wonderful, awesome boyfriend/friend for many years, who was 110% convinced that God wanted us together, and he was such a GOOD guy, with all kinds of traits that would've made him a great husband, all our friends and relatives said the same thing, we BELONGED together. Problem was, in my heart, I didn't want him in a romantic way. I loved him dearly, I loved everything about him, but my feelings for him were more like a brother or best friend; nothing sexual, romantic, no chemistry whatsoever in that way. We dated at first, then became friends, but the tension and pressure to be in a relationship never went away, and it made things so awkward sometimes. It was hard on both of us, especially on him, because he never gave up. Like so many guys, including the ones right here in this thread, they did the whole "just be patient, pursue her, don't give up" stuff. If a woman doesn't want you, she doesn't want you, and pressuring her will only do one of two things. It will completely turn her off and drive her away from you OR it will make her feel so guilty and confused that she gives in, and spends the rest of her life trying to convince herself that the problem is her and that she can be happy if she just tries hard enough, but she'll never achieve that, because it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

When God is in it, both parties will know it, and there will not be confusion and drama and uncertainty. Period. If two people aren't on the same page, do not try to force the relationship forward.

 

[Inkachu]

My sense of this is that you have heard from God but the girl in question is being deceived.

Right. The girl is so weak and mindless that she doesn't know what she wants, and only through dogged pursuit and complete disregard for her feelings and wishes will she truly realize the truth.

 

[steamboatpaul]

Thanks for your responses and prayers everyone. So basically, through prayer and counsel I've been able to figure out that she's pretty scared. She's scared I'll leave her again and she's scared that our relationship will look the same way. Obviously, when two sinners are together, no matter how hard they seek holiness, there will still be sin. Because she's no longer in a relationship, she's no longer convicted of the sins of who she was in our relationship.

I'm still praying about it and truly giving her space to figure herself out. I still feel The Lord calling me to love her and pursue her like He does us, but I just don't know how that looks so I'll be still until He further guides me.

 

[seashale76]

Thanks for your responses and prayers everyone. So basically, through prayer and counsel I've been able to figure out that she's pretty scared. She's scared I'll leave her again and she's scared that our relationship will look the same way. Obviously, when two sinners are together, no matter how hard they seek holiness, there will still be sin. Because she's no longer in a relationship, she's no longer convicted of the sins of who she was in our relationship.

I'm still praying about it and truly giving her space to figure herself out. I still feel The Lord calling me to love her and pursue her like He does us, but I just don't know how that looks so I'll be still until He further guides me.

Unless you've talked to her about it and she's told you she's scared herself- then you simply saying so and claiming God told you this is bunk. And what does this even mean- 'she's no longer convicted of the sins of who she was in our relationship'? From reading this- I don't blame her for not wanting to be in a relationship with you- and if you tried to keep pursuing me after I told you that it was over- I'd view you as a creepy stalker who couldn't take no for an answer and might need a restraining order.

ETA: I read this thread to my husband- and he thinks this is just weird and creepy too.

 

[steamboatpaul]

Unless you've talked to her about it and she's told you she's scared herself- then you simply saying so and claiming God told you this is bunk. And what does this even mean- 'she's no longer convicted of the sins of who she was in our relationship'? From reading this- I don't blame her for not wanting to be in a relationship with you- and if you tried to keep pursuing me after I told you that it was over- I'd view you as a creepy stalker who couldn't take no for an answer and might need a restraining order.

ETA: I read this thread to my husband- and he thinks this is just weird and creepy too.

She is the one who told me that.

 

[Hetta]

No- means no.

1) They live in different states.
2) The girl told him she doesn't want to re-enter a relationship with him in person.
3) She told him that she doesn't know if she loves him (which is the nice way of saying 'no- I don't love you- but I don't want to hurt your feelings').
4) She reiterated via texting that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with this guy anymore- and that it was for the best to end things.
5) This is not a case of God wanting the two of them together and Satan getting in the way and testing this guy. If it is really God's will- then both of these people will be on the same page. It will not be forced or coerced or guilted or manipulated into reality. Miraculous confirmations from God will actually not be needed AT ALL.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. OP - don't keep pursuing a woman who has asked you to stop. You may find yourself in line for legal action if you do. If you were truly meant to be together, it will happen. Perhaps she will just pick the phone up in a couple of weeks and say that she has had a change of heart. If so, you're good to go. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. But don't push it past "no".

 

[Inkachu]

Thanks for your responses and prayers everyone. So basically, through prayer and counsel I've been able to figure out that she's pretty scared. She's scared I'll leave her again and she's scared that our relationship will look the same way. Obviously, when two sinners are together, no matter how hard they seek holiness, there will still be sin. Because she's no longer in a relationship, she's no longer convicted of the sins of who she was in our relationship.

I'm still praying about it and truly giving her space to figure herself out. I still feel The Lord calling me to love her and pursue her like He does us, but I just don't know how that looks so I'll be still until He further guides me.

She's being polite. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Notice how most of the women here are saying the same thing, and most of the guys are just NOT GETTING IT? NO means NO.

 

[Hetta]

She's being polite. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Notice how most of the women here are saying the same thing, and most of the guys are just NOT GETTING IT? NO means NO.

Amen.

 

[achristian2]

She's being polite. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Notice how most of the women here are saying the same thing, and most of the guys are just NOT GETTING IT? NO means NO.

Ermmm.... I'm a woman and actually I think she might be truly scared. I know I will be in her situation

Edit to add that scared in the sense he will leave her again.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I think we often have a hard time with rejection because we all see ourselves as good people and think things should work out fine because of how we feel inside. So its hard to accept moving on. As has been said here shes telling you no nicely so it doesn't break your heart even more.

If its meant to be then in time maybe you two will get back together. For now though accept what shes said and move on. Not to mention women can become afraid of saying no because some men can be "Stalkerish" about it. Not that you are of course, just a general reference. If you really care for her and respect there then move on for now.

 

[Hetta]

Ermmm.... I'm a woman and actually I think she might be truly scared. I know I will be in her situation

Edit to add that scared in the sense he will leave her again.

I think she may be scared that he's turning into a stalker.

 

[RDKirk]

I'm a guy, but I've been rejected by enough women to know it when I see it.

You're being rejected. She might come around in the future, but that's not likely.

There are 3.5 billion women in the world. You only need one. (Paraphrased from "The Story of Luke.")

 

[Hospes]

I'm still praying about it and truly giving her space to figure herself out. I still feel The Lord calling me to love her and pursue her like He does us, but I just don't know how that looks so I'll be still until He further guides me.

I don't think any of us know what God is up to in this relationship. I also think the attitude that Steamboat shows in the above is good.

In spite of what the no-means-no folks, 30 years ago my wife changed her no to yes. (Of course, it is not a simple story, but it did involve entrusting God with it all and being still.)

 

[Inkachu]

Someone being "scared" of a relationship is still a red flag and a STOP sign, either way.

 

[achristian2]

I think she may be scared that he's turning into a stalker.

It could be either way. Scared that he's turning into a stalker or scared that he will leave her.