Funniest quotes...

[Rut]

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes . . . . . .at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Letters to God from kids:

• <LI dir=ltr>In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? <LI dir=ltr>How did you know you were God? <LI dir=ltr>I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison <LI dir=ltr>On Halloween I am going to wear a Devil's costume, is that all right with you? <LI dir=ltr>Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? <LI dir=ltr>Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? <LI dir=ltr>Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? <LI dir=ltr>Who draws the lines around the countries? <LI dir=ltr>Do animals get to use you too or is there someone else for them? <LI dir=ltr>I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church ... is that okay? <LI dir=ltr>I like the Lords Prayer the best of all. Did you have to write it a lot or did you get it
  right the first time? I have to write everything I ever write over again. <LI dir=ltr>God, it's okay that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? <LI dir=ltr>Did they really talk that fancy in Bible times? <LI dir=ltr>I would like to know why all the things you said are in red? <LI dir=ltr>Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through the business? <LI dir=ltr>Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm
  going to fix my brother. <LI dir=ltr>My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back DO you go? <LI dir=ltr>I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside mommies and daddies
  put them there. Where are they before that? Do you have them in Heaven? How do they
  get down here? Do you have to take care of them all first? Please answer all my
  questions...I always think of you. Yours Truly, Susan <LI dir=ltr>Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. <LI dir=ltr>Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. <LI dir=ltr>Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our day of rest. <LI dir=ltr>I wish h you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot. <LI dir=ltr>If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate
  her. Thank You. Love, Denise <LI dir=ltr>Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. <LI dir=ltr>Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. <LI dir=ltr>I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. <LI dir=ltr>I keep waiting for Spring but it never comes yet. Please don't forget. <LI dir=ltr>I think the stapler is on of your greatest inventions. <LI dir=ltr>I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. <LI dir=ltr>Of all the people who work for you, I like Peter and John the best. <LI dir=ltr>My brother told me about being born but it sure doesn't sound right. <LI dir=ltr>If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes. <LI dir=ltr>I would like to live for 900 years like the guy in the bible. <LI dir=ltr>We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said you did it. So, I bethe stole your idea. <LI dir=ltr>If you would of let the dinosaur not extinct we would not have a country...I think you did
  the right thing.
• It is great the way you always get the stars in the Right places.

 

[It's Mee]

Embarassing Joke

Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."

 

[It's Mee]

Less funniest joke

A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."

The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

 

[It's Mee]

Embarassing Jokes

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

 

[Rut]

A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other, and a string bean stuck in her ear. She says to the doctor, "I don't feel good."

The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me. You're not eating right!"
​

 

[linchen]

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Author: Emo Philips ​

 

[linchen]

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
Author: Dick Cavett ​

 

[linchen]

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Author: Groucho Marx ​

 

[Pure_Joy]

i am changing the post cut off, to 105 ok, because I cannot read 300 jokes and I just realized this... lol..

 

[linchen]

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.​

​

Cordel Hull ​

 

[linchen]

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

​

Sir Winston Churchill
​

 

[linchen]

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

​

Les Dawson
​

 

[revalations616]

Funny Kid Joke~
A woman and her little boy are riding in their car when up ahead there is as convertable and their is a woman in the car. When the two cars stop at a traffic light the woman in the convertable stands up and she is naked! Then mother is so shocked and scarred of what her little boy might say. But then the little boy opens his mouth and says: " Mommy that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

 

[linchen]

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.

​

Franklin P. Jones
​

 

[linchen]

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

​

Rodney Dangerfield
​

 

[linchen]

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Rudyard Kipling ​

 

[sing4him]

I have a new blank tape...I played it full blast last night and drove the mime next door nuts.

 

[sing4him]

(Real life) Embarrassing Moment:

I was at the receptionist desk one day at work (our church)...I thought I'd call home to check out answering machine for any messages. Well, after I dialed the church phone rang so I hang up to answer it. No one was there.

I tried 2 or 3 more times to call my house and each time about the time I got done dialing, the church phone would ring. Well...I finally realized that the person calling the church was ME! I'd been dialing the church's number rather than home. I was sooo embarrassed!!!

A few days later my boss was standing by my desk when the phone rang. He looked me square in the face and said "you'd better answer it, it might be you". I busted out laughing and couldn't answer it.

 

[luvmydaughters]

Cute kid quotes:

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

 

[luvmydaughters]

Another funny kid quote:

The pastor noticed little Alex staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?