frustrating experience

[BrodyAl1]

Hi all,


I've had a frustrating experience and my feeling really have been hurt, and I am trying to sort it out.


I've mentioned previously that i have a friend at work who lost his daughter last year, and i have been trying to be a supportive friend. As i have the social difficulties associated with Asperger's, it really took an effort for me to put his needs above my fears. As I've recently learned I have Asperger's, he, like most of my co-workers, has no idea about my condition.



My friendship with him seemed to grow a bit over the summer, He had invited me to a memorial and a get together on the first anniversary of his daughter.s death, and it really meant a lot. Though I am very uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations, I went and had a nice time.


Many months ago, someone had suggested I ask him to lunch as a further gesture of being a supportive friend. Just thought of it at the time nearly had me in a panic attack, but after the memorial, I figured it was a good idea. It’s funny; I had started watching baseball to have a little more to talk to him about, so I was confident that all would go well.


Getting my courage up, I asked him about lunch (via e-mail, he was working from home), and he said it sounded good. A couple of weeks passed, and I mentioned it again, and we set it up for Monday of the fowling week. He sent me the reminder from his Outlook calendar. The day came, he had to cancel (his dog was sick, totally understandable), and we rescheduled for that Thursday. That day came, and he had to cancel again due to a last minute conference call (he is on conference calls a good part of the day, I have my share as well, so that was fine). We rescheduled for the following Tuesday (which was last Tuesday), and as bad luck would have it, we had phone problems and he was tied up with that (he is part of that department). He didn’t reschedule it, so I asked him if he wanted to shoot for later that week or sometime this week. He asked me if I was in the rest of the week, I said yes, but never heard anything back that day. Last Thursday he had said again that we have to get to lunch, I told him to let me know. I mentioned again Monday "we still have to get to lunch one day." and he said yes, but he hasn't said anything further about it.


I have to admit, my feelings are a little hurt that he hasn’t said anything further about rescheduling our lunch. It's funny, in a way I know I shouldn't feel hurt, it's just lunch, no big deal, but it was something I was looking forward to, and it took me a lot of courage to ask him in the first place. I understand that things come up, I tonally understand that. If he would have just said “the next couple of weeks look busy, but we’ll go eventually.” I’d be happy with that. It’s almost like he changed his mind. I know that's silly, as he was willing to go a couple of weeks ago. I talked to him on Wednesday for a couple of minutes (he was on a break from a conference call), and he was friendly as usual, so I know nothing is wrong. Today he did go out a little before my lunch break, not sure if he had something to take care of. His door was closed all day, so he could have been busy.


I know it is not intentional, and if he knew my feelings were a bit hurt he'd feel bad. He has no way of knowing that it means lot to me to go to lunch with him, so I can't fault him for that. I can't imagine that he just doesn’t want to go to lunch with me, I know he thinks of me as a friend, so I'm not worried about that.


I guess all I can do is wait, and after a month or two passes, I can mention it again. It's just frustrating that we were so close to getting out, and now it's up in the air, and sometimes it feels like he just doesn't care.


Do i have a point in feeling a little hurt? I would never let on to him that I am, but I need to work out my feelings as well. Is aperger's making me over-react to this as well?


Thanks in advance!


Brody

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I've had similar things happen, and it's always hard to know for sure whether the person is intentionally avoiding us, or just absent-minded about it. In my experience, I've found that I (and perhaps others with Asperger's) tend to focus a lot more on things like this than most people. For example, something like going to lunch with a person we actually like or trust is a HUGE deal for me, and I'll think about it almost constantly, every time I see the person or notice they've posted something on Facebook, or when I'm eating lunch alone, or when I'm analyzing the situation trying to determine when it's going to happen. But while it may be on my mind fairly often, the other person probably hasn't even thought about it for more than a few seconds. That doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, though. It just means they have other things on their mind, and they don't have to consciously put as much effort or thought into a social situation like a lunch meeting.

Try asking him again, but maybe you could add something about how if lunch is too busy for him, maybe you could meet up at another time, like after work. It might also help if you can come up with a way to subtly let him know it's important to you, without it sounding awkward.

 

[BrodyAl1]

Thanks for the nice reply. It really helps that someone else knows the same feelings, the uncertainy, being anxious, etc. As my friedn and I have had a cuple of nice, albeit short, conversations at work since I wrote this, I'm sure it is something that is just on the back burner for him.

The part your wrote about how you think about something like going to lunch is such a huge deal for you and how you think about it constantly when you see the person or eat alone really decribes my feelings exactly. Thank you for giving me that peace of mind - one person in a (non-asperger) group couldn't understand why it means so much to me, but it is something that is important. I really don't think my friend is intentionally blowing me off.

I like the suggestion about mentioning lunch again, and saying that if luch is hard that maybe we can meet after work. That will take some courage - LOL - but it is worht a shot. Hopefully I can find a subtle, non-awkward way to let him know how important it is to me. I'm sure as time goes on, everything will work itself out.

Thanks again for the input, I totally appreciate it.

 

[dayhiker]

I think your disappointment is natural. You had invested quite a bit of yourself to step out of your comfort zone .. then the lunch fell thru .. that's how the emotions work. So you were disappointed. Now its time to learn the next step when things don't work out. Letting go of the emotion from getting psyched up to go out to lunch. Its good to learn both sides of it.

Ya, keep being a friend. Keep learning about who he is. Keep being there for him. After a period of time maybe 2 to 3 months, ask him to do something else with you. The after work thing might work. Maybe you'll find a common interest (hobby) and some Sat. go do it together. If it was hiking, go hike a trail close to where you two live. Maybe take a dog along for a walk. What ever it is it will come out of the small talk around the office.

 

[Netbug009]

Well yeah. You're trying to hang out with a friend and they keep being busy.

But I think you should tell HIM this. There may be something beyond his control or something bothering him you don't know about, and you guys need to talk this out.