The following message is an email I gave to my dear friend named kathy, someone ive known for almost 13 years, last night I believe I`ve fully given myself to christ, although a lot of work needs to be done, I think im on the right path....finally. This email took me 75 minutes to write with no breaks, all while going to work immediately after this. Anyone has questions or concerns please PM me after reading the entire message, thank you for your time and consideration.
Today was the most ground breaking days of my life, Iam wiping real tears from my eyes after crying to my small group at church for nearly 2hrs just...just letting it all out.
Here is what happened, as you know I haven't been sleeping well, been plagued with thoughts of Rebecca, its been bad. I mean really bad, after the chronic dreaming of her and the fear of spencer finding out. I got ready for church, well becca messaged me and said she wanted us to meet at the coffee shop up the street from the church.
for some reason I really thanked her for being my friend, explained how no one at school gave me a passing thought. But she did, I also said that I respect spencer, the church, marriage, and her too much to jeopardize anything.
She thanked me for explaining that, she first said I wasn't a threat to her marriage in any way shape or form, I nodded and was happy to hear that. She said she was concerned that this might happen back over a year ago. I told her I liked cassie, who is happily married and is a Christian counselor. She was worried this may happen because, just like her, cassie was nice to me, whether it was out of pity or fear or genuine, it doesn't matter. Becca was the same, she was nice, this caused things to get twisted over time, she was wondering if this would happen, so she was on her guard even over a year ago. She invited me to church but ALWAYS wanted me to talk to people, this was the reason why.
I was stuck to her and she was worried I would develop feelings, which she said was wrong to have for her, a married woman, I agreed, she also said that I spent more time around her at church than her husband. Which she said was innapropiate, I once again agreed, my head was done, I could barely look at her in the eye. She said that she was worried when I told her that I would use this as an excuse to completely cut off the church and go right back to solitary.
This what was exactly on my mind for the past 2 weeks, this is why I was so mentally thrashed, I was really considering sacrificing the church, becca, pete, axis, my small group, community, all to shut down my feelings because I was simply scared to feel. She said I NEEDED to STILL come to the church and go to the events and small group, she even said I don't have to switch the group I'm in, but there MUST be barriers. She said she has been giving me space over a year ago, but due to me telling her she had to accelerate it big time. I accepted and agreed with that, she also said that there are guys there that really wanted to get to know me. I needed them more than I needed her, because of feelings that could and did develop over time, it was time to move on from her and meet new people.
I once again agreed, She said I was syphoning and draining her long, and I mean long ago, back when she was my tutor. I was all over here in the sense, this is when she started to worry if I would get feelings for her. She also said that feelings are not bad, but this one was just skewed and I needed to sort through them, that was all, she also said that God gave me feelings and the need to be loved, whether or not I wanted to admit it or whether or not I knew that very fact was something me and pete would have to talk about. But what I was feeling was normal, she was not mad, but she said I should have not told her at all. She said this was something me and Pete needed to tackle, she needed to be left out of it.
She also said that since she knew she did infact told spencer that day I told her, hes not mad, they both agreed that this was something that could happen because I only spent time around them. She explained to me that I was obsessed with them, I entered church when they entered, I left when they left, I only talked to them, I really layed it on them and was smothering them, I looked back at how Ive always been when it came to just relationships with people. They have always been black and white, extreme, manic, borderline personality traits and then it would crash into manipulation and always ended in destruction by illegal means. This was the problem, I agreed with her, she also said that she will no longer be accepting or responding to any messages she gets from me. I just went on messenger and blocked her from my contacts and facebook. I just did it with no feeling. She also said that we are still friends, but we needed to separate so that I could get better with other people and have a community of guy friends, just not her.
I accepted all of this and told her that I was sorry and didn't mean for this to happen, at all. She knew I was telling the truth, she also said that she will be distancing herself from me after small group, before small group and church. She will talk to her friends and I will have to find my own, she also said that I have revealed just, way, way too much stuff to her all at once. She saw this with cassie and she was concerned that I would do the same thing,I did, almost immediately I told her a whole bunch of stuff that was really needed for Nicole, but this was before Nicole.
I looked back on how I talked with people in the past, every time I literally poured out my heart to them for no reason, begging them to be my friend, they befriended me out of possible fear and kept me hidden from their real friends. This is why my mom told me people have been scared of me since I was 6, she told me this just last year.
Anyway I told her how I don't lust for her, this was different, she understood this was a crush, not a sex filled lust obsession. I told her that to make her believe that, I know better, she knows better, she also told me that she got along with boys more than girls. But her mom told her that boys will be your friend than they really want to be your friend, you are who you hang around, this is true and I agreed. This is exactly what happened, I just wanted to be a friend, than I REALLY wanted to be her friend. It just happened, I blame no one but myself here.
She said that she will encourage me to go to church and small group but other than that shes not responding to me anymore, I accepted that and was relieved. I got up mentally happy, distorted, messed up and drove to church, I left the coffee shop smiling. Heres why....
I had been looking at hidden camera equipment without anyone knowing today, I had been in a BAD possession and obsession to find a way to record up beccas dress, well they were legit made watches that have little HD cameras in them that record without any lights flashing. I had my mom give me more money than I really needed, just so I can order this thing by Saturday. That means if I got the camera Saturday, I could tinker with it and prepare to record her at church. This was on my mind ALL FREAKING NIGHT, I actually don't know how I got any work done last night, I compartmentalized I guess.
Well I did it, I finally did it, I recorded beccas legs in jeans while we talked, 31 minutes of my rock bottom, I had sacrificed becca trust in order to have "more" of her. But I didn't feel good about what I had done, I felt......sad.....hurt.....disgusted. I didn't even look at the vid. I drove to church, I was bothered, I was holding back something but I didn't know what.
After the sermon ended, we went to small group, and I just flat out cried, bad, and I mean bad, there was no lie I could tell myself, there was nothing I could say, no joke I could tell, no antic I could pull off to get my mind off of my remorse, my guilt, my sorrow over what I had done. For the first time my conscience had come into play, I had broken past the wall of the diagnosis that was given unto me over 2 years ago. The Anti-Social Personality Disorder label, the sociopath label, the sex offender label, everything, and I mean everything came through my eyes, tears made from years of holding everything inside because I was told boys don't cry. Because I was told to man up when I was still a child, everything had come full circle officially. The group was silent, I really was mumbling my words but I got some sentences out. Here is what I said, with every fiber in my heart
I traded my soul and conscience for knowledge of this world and found myself by myself.
I knew everything this world had to offer, except god,
I wanted to smile like everyone else, I envied other people who died because I really wanted to die so that I could finally sleep good at night.
I told them the darkness had been there for me more so than my own parents
I wanted to be right more so than being liked and loved
I wanted to feel alive, I was so used to death I didn't think I had a guardian angel
I needed to make a covenant with my eyes, my heart, my mind, my thoughts and my spirit
I needed to get rebaptized by this year
I had posted stuff on facebook years ago and I was fearing I would be killed early in life because of it and I knew where I was going in the end.
I wanted what they had, friends, relationships, just something other than nothing.
I was tired of being in the dark, the light hurt me but the darkness hurt me much more than anything that has happened to me in this world.
My hands were shaking, snot running down my nose, I was a broken, complete, utter, destroyed mess and I needed a saivor. I was given a tissue and its been 3hrs and its still damp. My small group surrounded me in prayer, people were crying, hard
Everyone prayed for me, becca prayed and broke down in MASSIVE tears. She was having such a hard time saying the words that I needed to hear, I think when she cried I cried in sync with her the most and hardest.
After everyone prayed for me I sat there, for 2hrs just wondering what had happened. I noticed something, the thoughts of becca that had haunted me for nearly a month went away. In an instant, I no longer was under that trance to violate her by recording up her dress.
I was no longer captivated by her pantyhose last sunday, I didn't know what had happened, but I knew I had to accept it, and nothing would ever be the same again.
My car may need a new transmission so I cant see pete tomorrow after I get off work, but I`m going to tell him what has happened, he needs to know, he understands lust and he can help me sort my feelings towards becca.
I sat there for 2hrs trying to understand what happened, everyone from group came to me on a personal level, including spencer, and said that I had a good heart and that I truly wanted to know more about God and I truly was home, in the right place. They were obviously concerned but very happy I completely collapsed, years of trying to stick it out on my own and failing, years of living in misery, years of no medicine, confusion, the isolation, shadow people, the feelings of all that had caused me grief, they all felt that, every last one of them.
They were so happy I showed up to small group, I was to, I will do everything in my power to go to church sunday, I will put my phone in my glove box and I will accept what becca is wearing and I will back off and give her space.
I did NOT order the camera, I deleted the video of beccas crotch in jeans.
I will fully give this entire email to Nicole and I will be putting this in my diary and saving it on my computer,
When I took the slow drive to my job, I was silent, still crying and trying to come up with the words to talk to my Father. I didn't know what to say, I was rambling and just not coherent, but I was at peace. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to do, but I had to get to work and write my most personal, longest, thought out, real, honest, and most ground breaking message to you.
Kathy my dear friend, I`m glad you stuck it out with me, if going through what I have gone through was all for me to get to this very night, I would gladly go through it again to achieve what I had achieved tonight yet again,
I don't know what happened, but everything has melted away from me, I cant put my finger on it, but it was almost like I had to breakdown completely in order to see the light, my future without the darkness. Becca crying and praying for me really got to me, that's all ive been thinking about. Spencer said after I collapsed that its ok to have feelings and emotions, he was supportive, I cried really hard with him, badly. Anyway Ive been typing non stop for an hour, its 1153pm and I need to clock into work, I will see you at 8am.
Take your time with this one, take a few hours to read this, reply each paragraph slowly and carefully.
I don't know what I did tonight, but something happened, on the inside
Will I be tempted by becca again? Yeah sure, but It seems like ive broken through my limits,
Have I fully surrendered myself to Christ? I don't know But I will end this message with a much needed and truly heart felt..
Amen......
Today was the most ground breaking days of my life, Iam wiping real tears from my eyes after crying to my small group at church for nearly 2hrs just...just letting it all out.
Here is what happened, as you know I haven't been sleeping well, been plagued with thoughts of Rebecca, its been bad. I mean really bad, after the chronic dreaming of her and the fear of spencer finding out. I got ready for church, well becca messaged me and said she wanted us to meet at the coffee shop up the street from the church.
for some reason I really thanked her for being my friend, explained how no one at school gave me a passing thought. But she did, I also said that I respect spencer, the church, marriage, and her too much to jeopardize anything.
She thanked me for explaining that, she first said I wasn't a threat to her marriage in any way shape or form, I nodded and was happy to hear that. She said she was concerned that this might happen back over a year ago. I told her I liked cassie, who is happily married and is a Christian counselor. She was worried this may happen because, just like her, cassie was nice to me, whether it was out of pity or fear or genuine, it doesn't matter. Becca was the same, she was nice, this caused things to get twisted over time, she was wondering if this would happen, so she was on her guard even over a year ago. She invited me to church but ALWAYS wanted me to talk to people, this was the reason why.
I was stuck to her and she was worried I would develop feelings, which she said was wrong to have for her, a married woman, I agreed, she also said that I spent more time around her at church than her husband. Which she said was innapropiate, I once again agreed, my head was done, I could barely look at her in the eye. She said that she was worried when I told her that I would use this as an excuse to completely cut off the church and go right back to solitary.
This what was exactly on my mind for the past 2 weeks, this is why I was so mentally thrashed, I was really considering sacrificing the church, becca, pete, axis, my small group, community, all to shut down my feelings because I was simply scared to feel. She said I NEEDED to STILL come to the church and go to the events and small group, she even said I don't have to switch the group I'm in, but there MUST be barriers. She said she has been giving me space over a year ago, but due to me telling her she had to accelerate it big time. I accepted and agreed with that, she also said that there are guys there that really wanted to get to know me. I needed them more than I needed her, because of feelings that could and did develop over time, it was time to move on from her and meet new people.
I once again agreed, She said I was syphoning and draining her long, and I mean long ago, back when she was my tutor. I was all over here in the sense, this is when she started to worry if I would get feelings for her. She also said that feelings are not bad, but this one was just skewed and I needed to sort through them, that was all, she also said that God gave me feelings and the need to be loved, whether or not I wanted to admit it or whether or not I knew that very fact was something me and pete would have to talk about. But what I was feeling was normal, she was not mad, but she said I should have not told her at all. She said this was something me and Pete needed to tackle, she needed to be left out of it.
She also said that since she knew she did infact told spencer that day I told her, hes not mad, they both agreed that this was something that could happen because I only spent time around them. She explained to me that I was obsessed with them, I entered church when they entered, I left when they left, I only talked to them, I really layed it on them and was smothering them, I looked back at how Ive always been when it came to just relationships with people. They have always been black and white, extreme, manic, borderline personality traits and then it would crash into manipulation and always ended in destruction by illegal means. This was the problem, I agreed with her, she also said that she will no longer be accepting or responding to any messages she gets from me. I just went on messenger and blocked her from my contacts and facebook. I just did it with no feeling. She also said that we are still friends, but we needed to separate so that I could get better with other people and have a community of guy friends, just not her.
I accepted all of this and told her that I was sorry and didn't mean for this to happen, at all. She knew I was telling the truth, she also said that she will be distancing herself from me after small group, before small group and church. She will talk to her friends and I will have to find my own, she also said that I have revealed just, way, way too much stuff to her all at once. She saw this with cassie and she was concerned that I would do the same thing,I did, almost immediately I told her a whole bunch of stuff that was really needed for Nicole, but this was before Nicole.
I looked back on how I talked with people in the past, every time I literally poured out my heart to them for no reason, begging them to be my friend, they befriended me out of possible fear and kept me hidden from their real friends. This is why my mom told me people have been scared of me since I was 6, she told me this just last year.
Anyway I told her how I don't lust for her, this was different, she understood this was a crush, not a sex filled lust obsession. I told her that to make her believe that, I know better, she knows better, she also told me that she got along with boys more than girls. But her mom told her that boys will be your friend than they really want to be your friend, you are who you hang around, this is true and I agreed. This is exactly what happened, I just wanted to be a friend, than I REALLY wanted to be her friend. It just happened, I blame no one but myself here.
She said that she will encourage me to go to church and small group but other than that shes not responding to me anymore, I accepted that and was relieved. I got up mentally happy, distorted, messed up and drove to church, I left the coffee shop smiling. Heres why....
I had been looking at hidden camera equipment without anyone knowing today, I had been in a BAD possession and obsession to find a way to record up beccas dress, well they were legit made watches that have little HD cameras in them that record without any lights flashing. I had my mom give me more money than I really needed, just so I can order this thing by Saturday. That means if I got the camera Saturday, I could tinker with it and prepare to record her at church. This was on my mind ALL FREAKING NIGHT, I actually don't know how I got any work done last night, I compartmentalized I guess.
Well I did it, I finally did it, I recorded beccas legs in jeans while we talked, 31 minutes of my rock bottom, I had sacrificed becca trust in order to have "more" of her. But I didn't feel good about what I had done, I felt......sad.....hurt.....disgusted. I didn't even look at the vid. I drove to church, I was bothered, I was holding back something but I didn't know what.
After the sermon ended, we went to small group, and I just flat out cried, bad, and I mean bad, there was no lie I could tell myself, there was nothing I could say, no joke I could tell, no antic I could pull off to get my mind off of my remorse, my guilt, my sorrow over what I had done. For the first time my conscience had come into play, I had broken past the wall of the diagnosis that was given unto me over 2 years ago. The Anti-Social Personality Disorder label, the sociopath label, the sex offender label, everything, and I mean everything came through my eyes, tears made from years of holding everything inside because I was told boys don't cry. Because I was told to man up when I was still a child, everything had come full circle officially. The group was silent, I really was mumbling my words but I got some sentences out. Here is what I said, with every fiber in my heart
I traded my soul and conscience for knowledge of this world and found myself by myself.
I knew everything this world had to offer, except god,
I wanted to smile like everyone else, I envied other people who died because I really wanted to die so that I could finally sleep good at night.
I told them the darkness had been there for me more so than my own parents
I wanted to be right more so than being liked and loved
I wanted to feel alive, I was so used to death I didn't think I had a guardian angel
I needed to make a covenant with my eyes, my heart, my mind, my thoughts and my spirit
I needed to get rebaptized by this year
I had posted stuff on facebook years ago and I was fearing I would be killed early in life because of it and I knew where I was going in the end.
I wanted what they had, friends, relationships, just something other than nothing.
I was tired of being in the dark, the light hurt me but the darkness hurt me much more than anything that has happened to me in this world.
My hands were shaking, snot running down my nose, I was a broken, complete, utter, destroyed mess and I needed a saivor. I was given a tissue and its been 3hrs and its still damp. My small group surrounded me in prayer, people were crying, hard
Everyone prayed for me, becca prayed and broke down in MASSIVE tears. She was having such a hard time saying the words that I needed to hear, I think when she cried I cried in sync with her the most and hardest.
After everyone prayed for me I sat there, for 2hrs just wondering what had happened. I noticed something, the thoughts of becca that had haunted me for nearly a month went away. In an instant, I no longer was under that trance to violate her by recording up her dress.
I was no longer captivated by her pantyhose last sunday, I didn't know what had happened, but I knew I had to accept it, and nothing would ever be the same again.
My car may need a new transmission so I cant see pete tomorrow after I get off work, but I`m going to tell him what has happened, he needs to know, he understands lust and he can help me sort my feelings towards becca.
I sat there for 2hrs trying to understand what happened, everyone from group came to me on a personal level, including spencer, and said that I had a good heart and that I truly wanted to know more about God and I truly was home, in the right place. They were obviously concerned but very happy I completely collapsed, years of trying to stick it out on my own and failing, years of living in misery, years of no medicine, confusion, the isolation, shadow people, the feelings of all that had caused me grief, they all felt that, every last one of them.
They were so happy I showed up to small group, I was to, I will do everything in my power to go to church sunday, I will put my phone in my glove box and I will accept what becca is wearing and I will back off and give her space.
I did NOT order the camera, I deleted the video of beccas crotch in jeans.
I will fully give this entire email to Nicole and I will be putting this in my diary and saving it on my computer,
When I took the slow drive to my job, I was silent, still crying and trying to come up with the words to talk to my Father. I didn't know what to say, I was rambling and just not coherent, but I was at peace. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to do, but I had to get to work and write my most personal, longest, thought out, real, honest, and most ground breaking message to you.
Kathy my dear friend, I`m glad you stuck it out with me, if going through what I have gone through was all for me to get to this very night, I would gladly go through it again to achieve what I had achieved tonight yet again,
I don't know what happened, but everything has melted away from me, I cant put my finger on it, but it was almost like I had to breakdown completely in order to see the light, my future without the darkness. Becca crying and praying for me really got to me, that's all ive been thinking about. Spencer said after I collapsed that its ok to have feelings and emotions, he was supportive, I cried really hard with him, badly. Anyway Ive been typing non stop for an hour, its 1153pm and I need to clock into work, I will see you at 8am.
Take your time with this one, take a few hours to read this, reply each paragraph slowly and carefully.
I don't know what I did tonight, but something happened, on the inside
Will I be tempted by becca again? Yeah sure, but It seems like ive broken through my limits,
Have I fully surrendered myself to Christ? I don't know But I will end this message with a much needed and truly heart felt..
Amen......
