Forgiveness:Why is it so hard?

[oktornado]

I don't understand why I just can't conquer this one obstacle. Somehow I feel like it lets them off the hook; or that it devalues me somehow. Like because the offense was against me it really wasn't a true offense and its okay if they 'get away with it'.

I know what the bible says and I've made half-hearted attempts to pray for them, but to be honest I just don't want to.

Anybody else wrestle with these types of feelings?

 

[thesunisout]

I don't understand why I just can't conquer this one obstacle. Somehow I feel like it lets them off the hook; or that it devalues me somehow. Like because the offense was against me it really wasn't a true offense and its okay if they 'get away with it'.

I know what the bible says and I've made half-hearted attempts to pray for them, but to be honest I just don't want to.

Anybody else wrestle with these types of feelings?

Yes, I have wrestled with unforgiveness..most of us probably have. It can be very difficult to forgive some offenses, especially from those closest to us. In the case where you have forgiven someone superificially, the offense will keep rising to the surface. Maybe you have nothing in you that wants to forgive that person; you must ask God to give you the heartfelt desire to forgive them. When the unforgiveness comes up, you have to keep submitting it to God, as many times as it takes.

In the Kingdom of God, forgiveness is not optional:

Mat 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,
Mat 6:15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

The Lord will not forgive our sins if we do not forgive the sins of others. The rationalization is, the Lord Jesus Christ forgave us for our sins, when what we deserve is death and hell. Therefore we must forgive others and be like Jesus, even though they may not deserve to be forgiven. Since we don't deserve to be forgiven either we cannot justify our unforgiveness. Read the parable of the unforgiving servant to see how seriously the Lord takes unforgiveness:

Matthew 18:21-35 NIV - The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant - Bible Gateway

The Lord sent the servant to be tortured until he made it right. That's what happens to us is that we open ourselves up to demonic oppression when we will not forgive.

 

[tturt]

oktornado, yes it's difficult for me also. Encouraging you to just keep praying for them and there will come a time when you really mean what you're praying and asking Yahweh to bless them. Then your healing will be there.

Scripture says for us to take every thought captive (II Cor 10:5) and renew our minds with Yahweh's Word (Rom 12:2). So rather than keep going over and over in our minds what they did or didn't do, immediately start thinking on His Word such as "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee," (Isa 26:3). It may be difficult to begin with but we can do this - of course, we can't do this in our own strength but "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13).

 

[revrobor]

When you have been wronged (or think you have) and you fail to forgive the person who wronged you that failure only eats at you. And it will affect your outlook on life. You're not letting anyone "get away" with anything when you forgive but are keeping yourself from being eaten up by that unforgiveness. You may never forget the incident but at least you can free up your mind to go on living. You don't even have to say anything to the one who wronged you. And that person may not even be aware they wronged you.

 

[oktornado]

Trust me. This person is VERY aware that they wronged me. They even called me one night after they were sure they had gotten away with it and asked me to forgive them. When I questioned them about what they wanted forgiveness for they immediately said, "I'm not admitting to anything!"

...and forgiving them is letting them 'get away with it' because where will the justice come from if the victim is dropping the matter?

Sometimes I think the wicked have a pretty sweet deal going because God instructs the offended to 'forgive'.

People everywhere are telling me what the bible says about forgiveness, but I need more. The pain suffered has value to me and I'm hesitant to give it up without compensation.

 

[Dean62]

People everywhere are telling me what the bible says about forgiveness, but I need more. The pain suffered has value to me and I'm hesitant to give it up without compensation.

Ok, how about this.

Forgiveness is for you not the other person. It is yet another doorway to peace and freedom. When you hold onto your hurts you continue to relive them, you allow the other person to rent free space in your head. You are giving this person control over you by not forgiving them. Forgiveness for you is letting go. Letting go the hurt and pain and having it replaced with peace and love.

It helps to remember that the person who hurt you is a sick person. There are two kind of people. People who are spiritual sick and people who are spiritually whole. A God centered spiritually healthy person does NOT hurt other people.....ever. I person who goes around hurting others is sick inside. They may have been a victim, they may believe they have been a victim and the absolutely don't know Jesus. The person who hurt you has problems and by forgiving them you allow those problems to be theirs not yours. Forgiveness is setting yourself free from the bondage and control of the other person and your pain.

Let it go. Forgive.

That the pain you have suffered having value is ego, it is self, it is of the flesh. To let it go and forgive is to live in the spirit and be God centered not worldly centered. Your forgiveness can not be tied to the other person accepting it or even acknowledging they have done something wrong. Don't expect that, don't look for that, that is not the goal of forgiveness. That is their problem. Your forgiveness does not heal them it heals you. That is the reason for forgiveness. God wants you to forgive because it removes a stumbling block that separates you from His love. You don't even have to ever see the other person again to forgive them in your heart. Remember forgiveness is letting go hurt and resentment. You resent the other person is getting a way with something. Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You don't want it in you. It is blocking you from the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Do it for you.

 

[oktornado]

Admittedly I can't comprehend a peace that passes all understanding. But what I can grasp is the peace that comes from the knowledge of their punishment.

I think about those people in prison that say "I wish I hadn't sought revenge. I killed him, but there was no satisfaction in it."

Whether it was 'satisfying' or not the offender didn't get away with it.

I went through a period of several months where I gave serious thought to going after that person myself. I even thought it would be worthwhile to cash in my own life in order make him pay. And one thing is for certain. Not having to consider my future would have made the task much, much easier. Fortunately for him a young woman came into my life during that period. She took the brunt of some of my anger, but eventually turned my focus away from him. The result: He dodged a bullet (probably quite literally) and I've now been married to that young lady for 12 years.

While I no longer dwell on him like I once did I know that all the hurt and rage is still alive and well, but buried. My sister came to visit recently and it only took about a minute for her to bring it all back to the surface by asking a few simple questions. I got so angry I was shaking and pacing the floor.

God will have to punish and I will have to become aware of that punishment or I don't think I'll ever know peace. One of the reasons I don't want to let it go is because I'm 'reserving the right', so to speak to handle it myself in the future if I become convinced God refuses to extract justice.

All this has really shaken my belief that God is truly a just god.

 

[louise sheinholtz]

I don't understand why I just can't conquer this one obstacle. Somehow I feel like it lets them off the hook; or that it devalues me somehow. Like because the offense was against me it really wasn't a true offense and its okay if they 'get away with it'.

I know what the bible says and I've made half-hearted attempts to pray for them, but to be honest I just don't want to.

Anybody else wrestle with these types of feelings?

If you want to forgive and have made half-hearted attempts to forgive than it is not you who won't let them get away with it, but the dark spirit that lurks in every man on earth. What happened in the desert when Jesus was tempted. Read that scripture.
God sees your desire to forgive and all you have to do is cry out to God to help you to forgive. First of all, forgive yourself.
Louise

 

[bottomofsandal]

Sometimes I think the wicked have a pretty sweet deal going because God instructs the offended to 'forgive'.

You mean wicked, vile, unappreciative sinners like us ?

Come on bro ! God forgave us, just ponder if we deserve it ?

Once you realize we have been forgiven when we don't deserve it,

it gets really easy to forgive others. Love thy enemy is commanded.


Remember the parable of the unmerciful servant ?

He was forgiven a debt for an enormous amount of money-

but he refused to forgive and forget a guy who owed him $5.



Think about it !!!
Besides, love keeps no record or wrongs...

 

[oktornado]

Wrong!

If I wanted someone to agree with me I wouldn't come looking for it on a Christian forum. What I am looking for is someone to show me something or tell me something I don't already know. Most of this 'good advice' you have been seeing is just regurgitated pap from the bible which I know well. I am looking to Christians that have life-experience and can tell me personally about the 'output', not just the input. People that can personally verify real-life results.

As far as me not being a good person..I can't argue with you on that. I've done plenty wrong in my life. However, I don't go around hurting people just to show them I can, which is what I encountered. I wasn't contending with a gossip at work or stolen iPod. What I lost was something that meant more to me than life itself and is impossible to replace. All done so I could 'understand' just who I was dealing with. And if you think I just misunderstood or exaggerated their motive then I can tell you I didn't. They told me so right to my face.

If the best you can do is accuse me of being a bad person just because I'm struggling with forgiveness then I suggest you leave and don't bother with this thread again.

 

[louise sheinholtz]

Wrong!

If I wanted someone to agree with me I wouldn't come looking for it on a Christian forum. What I am looking for is someone to show me something or tell me something I don't already know. Most of this 'good advice' you have been seeing is just regurgitated pap from the bible which I know well. I am looking to Christians that have life-experience and can tell me personally about the 'output', not just the input. People that can personally verify real-life results.

As far as me not being a good person..I can't argue with you on that. I've done plenty wrong in my life. However, I don't go around hurting people just to show them I can, which is w
hat I encountered. I wasn't contending with a gossip at work or stolen iPod. What I lost was something that meant more to me than life itself and is impossible to replace. All done so I could 'understand' just who I was dealing with. And if you think I just misunderstood or exaggerated their motive then I can tell you I didn't. They told me so right to my face.

If the best you can do is accuse me of being a bad person just because I'm struggling with forgiveness then I suggest you leave and don't bother with this thread again.

I am one who has had life experience. I told you something not regurgitated, but what I have gone though in life, in fact, I am facing one right now, but, rather than blame them, I pray for them. I go through the pain gracefully and God hears my cry and has never failed me to heal any situation I have found myself in and it also extends to physical healings.
I don't speak from what I have read, but, from what I have experienced.
You have a choice, there is nothing more valuable to lose than one's salvation. it just aint worth it, no way and no how.
I speak your language and I understand your pain but believe me hanging onto revenge is only harmful to the un-forgiver.
I will now bow out.
Louise

 

[thesunisout]

Wrong!

If I wanted someone to agree with me I wouldn't come looking for it on a Christian forum. What I am looking for is someone to show me something or tell me something I don't already know. Most of this 'good advice' you have been seeing is just regurgitated pap from the bible which I know well. I am looking to Christians that have life-experience and can tell me personally about the 'output', not just the input. People that can personally verify real-life results.

As far as me not being a good person..I can't argue with you on that. I've done plenty wrong in my life. However, I don't go around hurting people just to show them I can, which is what I encountered. I wasn't contending with a gossip at work or stolen iPod. What I lost was something that meant more to me than life itself and is impossible to replace. All done so I could 'understand' just who I was dealing with. And if you think I just misunderstood or exaggerated their motive then I can tell you I didn't. They told me so right to my face.

If the best you can do is accuse me of being a bad person just because I'm struggling with forgiveness then I suggest you leave and don't bother with this thread again.

Your anger is an idol in your life. It's more important to you to hold on to the anger than to obey God. Here is justice: the lack of peace you have is the justice you are receiving for refusing to obey God. You are paying for your crime every single day of your life. Unforgiveness is like a cup of poison you pour for someone else, but you drink it.

God will account for every sin, because every crime is ultimately against Him. He is the wounded party, and He will repay, in His timing and His way. Until you accept that you won't ever have peace.

 

[Alithis]

i would not go so far as to say they are not a good person .. good , by human standards is a low achievement at best .
but the answer to the op is simply this .. it is difficult for you to forgive because...

you have not yet come to a realization of how much God has forgiven you for ..you think it is little .. you are sorely wrong

 

[louise sheinholtz]

Your anger is an idol in your life. It's more important to you to hold on to the anger than to obey God. Here is justice: the lack of peace you have is the justice you are receiving for refusing to obey God. You are paying for your crime every single day of your life. Unforgiveness is like a cup of poison you pour for someone else, but you drink it.

God will account for every sin, because every crime is ultimately against Him. He is the wounded party, and He will repay, in His timing and His way. Until you accept that you won't ever have peace.

"To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible"

Aquinus

 

[jeremyd]

I don't think it's a good idea to quote a scripture that might put fear or guilt into play. Any sin is capable of becoming a stronghold. The Kingdom of God is indeed perfect. I have also suffered from not being able to fulfill it's commands. Like all of us, however, the call to perfection is one of maturity and growth.

If their's an offense then the first command is to go and be find out about it from them in private, not forgive. Like Jesus said about a sinning brother. My anger comes from the reluctant nature of other's to confess amongst other things. Forgiveness is easier to do after a person admits or denies their participation in sinning against me, but is still a pre-requisite to forgiveness.

Other than that Jesus rules about anger and needing reconciliation after what I've done is still in play. So it's basically tell them their sin, find my own sin, pray, do good, and then forgive. Not the other way around.

Blessings.

 

[tturt]

posted: in other words you are not a good person, and not a Christian of value, if one at all, which I doubt.

oktornado, I'm sorry that this was posted. These words are completely way out of line. Every believer is at a different place in their Christian walk.

My earlier post was from personal experience. I've found when I do what Scripture says, then my life is so much better and easier. Had thought my post would save you some "down" time because those few sentences contain information that took me years to get through.

As rough as they are, these experiences help us to grow spiritually. We realize more about Yahweh and His Word. Some Scriptures take on deeper meanings such as He is our rock (Psa 71:3) and only with His overwhelming help can we "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another (John 13:34). These times aren't easy and the sooner "we get it," the sooner it will be over. Urging you to keep on praying for them, reading His Word, hallowing His name, etc. After this period, the end result will be - You will be even stronger in Him.

 

[bottomofsandal]

i would not go so far as to say they are not a good person .. good , by human standards is a low achievement at best .
but the answer to the op is simply this .. it is difficult for you to forgive because...

you have not yet come to a realization of how much God has forgiven you for ..you think it is little .. you are sorely wrong

He who has been forgiven much...loves much

 

[louise sheinholtz]

posted: in other words you are not a good person, and not a Christian of value, if one at all, which I doubt.

oktornado, I'm sorry that this was posted. These words are completely way out of line. Every believer is at a different place in their Christian walk.

My earlier post was from personal experience. I've found when I do what Scripture says, then my life is so much better and easier. Had thought my post would save you some "down" time because those few sentences contain information that took me years to get through.

As rough as they are, these experiences help us to grow spiritually. We realize more about Yahweh and His Word. Some Scriptures take on deeper meanings such as He is our rock (Psa 71:3) and only with His overwhelming help can we "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another (John 13:34). These times aren't easy and the sooner "we get it," the sooner it will be over. Urging you to keep on praying for them, reading His Word, hallowing His name, etc. After this period, the end result will be - You will be even stronger in Him.

Following the scriptures is not the way to have a stronger relationship with God.
Following the word in your heart creates a stronger relationship with God.
Most church taught Christians are nothing but intellectuals trying to find god through study. I thank God I never went to church.
There is no " trying" to change ourselves. Only hungering and thirsting for the truth about our sins, being honest with ourselves creates a strong relationship with God.
I urge you to start hungering and thirsting for the need to overcome intellectualism in order to have a strong relationship with God..
I am afraid you don't know what love is. Christ did not cuddle the money changers, he gave them hell for doing what they were doing. That was love.
Anyone who blames God for their problems need the love of truth, not coddlng.

 

[louise sheinholtz]

Yes, it is dangerous when speaking the truth, after all that is why they killed Jesus.

 

[trulyconverted]

It is hard for us to forgive others who have offended us. Only Jesus can grant us a forgiving heart.