Forgetting Adultery

[Living Stone]

Another question would be, do you think if you divorced and met someone else that you would ever trust again completely, just think this is someone you thought you knew so well, and then...
What I am trying to say is, would you want to start all over again, with someone new, realizing that people just do stupid things, and that you could possibly go through this again with someone else, or, would you rather just keep working through this, with someone you already have a bond with, I mean you must be doing better, at least you are having sex right? So part of your heart is already mending, the mind is the one we must battle against. Some things just take time, but I would really consider where your trust level would be, even if you were with someone new.

Praying for you....

I dont know.
With the person who cheated, we always would have to wonder if they would repeat the adultery if circumstances arised.

I divorced over adlutery and I dont think that I could say that I ''know'' shed never do it again.
She was a very selfish woman who in 13 years had not gotten better, but much, much worse.

With Laura now, I dont find any reason to ever think she would do what Kim did.
Shes given me no reason to not trust her and helped me thru the distrust I had when we started over kims behavior.

I could had tried to trust kim (the ex), but she was the one who had to keep from cheating again.
I honestly dont think shes capable of making that kind of commitment and sticking to it.
It has nothing to do with forgiving or trusting her.
It has to do with what kind of person she has chosen to be.

 

[heartnsoul]

If you have decided to divorce and you're looking for encouragement, then you have my blessing and best wishes for the future as you move on with your life. Every marriage is different and even though there are a few here who have been through adulterous relationships, it's still not what YOU PERSONALLY have experienced. It will take lots of time for you to emotionally heal from all of this. Peace of mind is EVERYTHING. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and once that is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild. Not saying it can't be rebuilt, but it is very very difficult. I believe one of the many consequences of adultery is the emotional torture (that you are experiencing right now)...perhaps that's why God approves of adultery as grounds for a divorce.

Sometimes people need to move on with their lives, have a change of scenery, and start anew. There are so many success stories of people who have divorced and remarried. I know people who have found their soulmates after a bad marriage. So, there is life and happiness after a divorce. I don't advocate divorce for everything, but in your specific situation, it sounds like you have been through an extremely painful situation. After you bring closure to your marriage, I suggest you take a couple of years off to strengthen your relationship with God. In time, as you heal, God will be able to renew your heart, mind and spirit to love again. "Forgetting" is difficult but in time, the pain will lessen and as you get older (as senior moments happen ), you will forget. Seriously though, God will never leave you and will help you every step of the way. As you trust in God, He will heal you and shower you with blessings. I hope you heal soon. God bless you.

 

[ub4me]

I dont know.
With the person who cheated, we always would have to wonder if they would repeat the adultery if circumstances arised.

I divorced over adlutery and I dont think that I could say that I ''know'' shed never do it again.
She was a very selfish woman who in 13 years had not gotten better, but much, much worse.

With Laura now, I dont find any reason to ever think she would do what Kim did.
Shes given me no reason to not trust her and helped me thru the distrust I had when we started over kims behavior.

I could had tried to trust kim (the ex), but she was the one who had to keep from cheating again.
I honestly dont think shes capable of making that kind of commitment and sticking to it.
It has nothing to do with forgiving or trusting her.
It has to do with what kind of person she has chosen to be.

Yeah, That is basicaly what i wanted to say, is for him to consider the kind of person she is, if this is a continued behavior, or does he feel she had truly repented. I just wanted him to think about the bigger picture before calling it quits.



I am happy for you living stone, that you had another chance at love,
and It's working....

 

[alabaster jar]

Sounds like you need TIME to heal and your wife will doubtless have to build up the trust again by really showing you that she has changed.

And somehow if you could replace the image of her with that other person--if you could stop yourself from dwelling on the other guy, who was just a variable and start to let it go, then maybe you could start to, if not forget completely, to let it fade. When your mind does this, it's like it happened just yesterday again.

Bless you for trying to make your marriage work! I hope you can move on regardless of what you decide. Even if you divorce, you still will need some time.

 

[Angieh]

Cooper, I too am dealing with the "forgetting" part... I know that everyday is a reminder... I was told by a dear friend, that it's not all about me... Very hard for me to take, but she was right... My husband did something very stupid and continued this for over a month.. When we are forgiven by our Lord, it is also forgotten. I'm not saying this is what I've been able to accomplish completely, but I'm working on it.. I remind myself that how dare I not forgive my husband and forget, if that is what my Heavenly Father does. I also have had to ask the Lord for the love I need for my husband.. The more I pray for him the easier it is, but if I miss a day or two those feelings seem to sneak right back into my head.. I don't know if any of this helps you, but I will be praying for you and your wife. I think we will never forget the feelings of that hurt, but we need to look at what our spouse is doing now. Your wife wants to stay with you, she could have continued this relationship with this other man, but chose to stay with you? Sometimes we realize what we have and how much we love and care for another when we could lose it.. I've just been going through this for a year and a half now, so I'm certainly no expert... This is just what I've gone through and how it has touched me... You take care and I pray that the Lord will lead and guide you and reveal to you what your path in this should be... God Bless you... Angie

 

[Svt4Him]

I trust my wife 100% now. There are still some consequences to her action. She is from a different country, and the affair happened in her home country. I have no desire at all to visit that place, but I still think that may be a part of the healing process.

 

[cooper]

Thank you all for your perspectives and experiences --- sometimes I wonder if I'm walking thru this valley alone. Clearly that is not the case as God has demonstrated tangibly thru your words. So many of your words are almost verbatim from the various counselling sessions I have been thru. I stand challenged to ensure that I truly have forgiven. I stand validated that forgetting is a seemingly insurmountable hurdle (for us mortals). I wish her the best in a new relationship that she can build trust anew with someone. As for me, no, the pain will not go away for a time. But the time and distance from the daily reminders (afterall, it was just yesterday in my mind) will allow healing to take place. Betrayal may be the worst thing one person can do to another. God bless you all and I thank you for your continued prayers.

 

[SirKenin]

Oh man that is a tough one. That is precisely the reason why the New Testament allows for divorce. I've been in your position. It takes a very strong will and great mental strength to overcome such a blow. So great, in fact, that many cave under the pressure. I wouldn't blame you in the least if you followed suit. How tragic

 

[-Celeborn-]

Oh man that is a tough one. That is precisely the reason why the New Testament allows for divorce. I've been in your position. It takes a very strong will and great mental strength to overcome such a blow. So great, in fact, that many cave under the pressure. I wouldn't blame you in the least if you followed suit. How tragic

Agreed.

Jesus knew the heartache that apostacy causes God, and a cheating spouse causes a man or woman.

In studying out adultery, it seems that it is pretty much the same thing as apostacy.

G3432
μοιχός
moichos
moy-khos'
Perhaps a primary word; a (male) paramour; figuratively apostate: - adulterer.

No wonder Jesus allowed for divorce in this case.

 

[roni754]

I've just found this thread today, so forgive my lateness in responding. I too am searching for a way to forgive my husband of his indescresions. The ironic thing is the vey day cooper posted this thread was the day my husband confessed to me what he did. Apparently it only happened one time and as he put it, it was eating him up inside so he had to tell me. To make a long story short he left the house and said he was suicidal about it all, a few days later I let him back in the house and through prayer and speaking with 2 ministers I felt so much better. But slowly the betrayal and hurt is seeping back into my heart. All I want to do is cry. Everytime I look at him I get depressed and sad, he is acting as if nothing happens but it is tearing me up inside.

 

[MLS3026533]

Hi Cooper.. I'm so sorry you are faced with this. This issue is very near to my heart for I was also a woman who cheated and now I'm fighting daily to restore my marriage. I'm sure my husband is faced with the same feelings as you. In my case my husband also had a short lived affair and now I'm faced with the same insecurities. I don't blame him because I know my actions drove him to it. I was so far from God and the truth.

Does your wife understand how you feel? Do you understand that holding on to the wrong thoughts and the pain you are merely hurting yourself. If you do divorce her, it won't end the pain, you will carry the same insecurities over into your next relationship. Until you are healed and totally experience the forgiveness, you will be stuck in this anger. I wonder if you have forgiven her when you are still referring to her as a harlot. You sound like you are still very much in the midst of your pain and anger. Don't get me wrong, you definitely have a right to have all those feelings.

What was lacking in the marriage in the first place to get to the point of an affair?

I will pray for you and would love any feed back you would have for me. If any men are reading this who have made it through this type of betrayal, I would love to hear what steps you have taken and also what a wife in this position could do to help her husband feel more secure again.

All my prayers

 

[searchingforGodlyanswers]

I feel for all of you who are in the midst of this dilemma, whether it happened years ago or even recently. I think it takes each person their own time and their own type of healing. God did not create all men and women alike; He did create us in His image. Last year my younger daughter died in utero, and I find as her actual due date is getting closer and my husband and I are moving into our own first house soon, that my fears and worries have turned into a "What if he (my husband) betrays me again?" Why on earth am I turning more and more sensitive and more pained now and worried he'll ruin things for us?
I came here looking for answers to what to do as well, since I have never really thoroughly gotten over all these things (my daughters death, my husbands many past behaviors- sexual and otherwise); sometimes I think I have forgiven, then there are times that I know I have not by the way I've reacted to little events (i.e. triggering reminders through certain names, places, entertainment, etc.).

Quote:
I trust my wife 100% now. There are still some consequences to her action. She is from a different country, and the affair happened in her home country. I have no desire at all to visit that place, but I still think that may be a part of the healing process.

I think if you can start afresh/anew whether with the spouse or not, removing all triggers, that could be most helpful in the healing process; or it might cause you not to deal with the issue(s) the way you are supposed to (which for each person is probably different). This might mean that it will be repeated, even if it's with someone else like a friend or relative or future spouse (I do not know if I believe in remarriage for me unless my spouse dies), or it may be the break you need to resolve your own pain and how it and other problems before you met your spouse and after came to happen. Perhaps there are some people who will never fully "get over it", like myself. I have physical scars that are on my body, which means they will never go away, no matter where I move, who I stay with, or what I do. The most physically painful "scars" I have are in my neck from accidents. They happened years ago, cause tremendous pain when my neck and head aches are triggered and make me sometimes literally sick and disabled when they occur. Perhaps your scars, like my physical and emotional ones from my life events, will never leave; therefore it may be that you will never forget, and possible that the pain will not completely go away no matter how many times you ask that the thorn be removed by whatever means possible.
The accidents happened many more years ago than any of my betrayals, and the fresher incidents hurt about the same, give or take as the physical accidents from an even longer time period ago than the betrayals. Ask someone with fibro myalgia or diabetes or some debilitating illness or trauma who was diagnosed years ago if it still hurts. They might forgive but they will still hurt, have anger, (almost) daily reminders. etc. Each time a diabetic has to take an insulin shot, that person probably gets tired of it and hurts and feels anger, not to mention having to take their own blood to monitor their sugar on a regular basis, and having to do a total and permanent lifestyle change with diet, exercise and medical care. Wouldn't it be nice if they did not have to go through the pain and trials. Wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have trials and tests? This is how I see my pain; even though some may say I hold onto it and not to ruminate on it, I do try not to let it get me down, but just like a physical impairment or illness, it does get me down at times and it stays there. Some people do get over it and get complete healing, others will have to carry that thorn for years more to come (I wonder if mine will only be over when I get to heaven). I also have been diagnosed with depression, which makes it more difficult for me to get over my spouses many negative behaviors. I am oftentimes to constantly afraid of him going back to previous negative acts. I constantly ask him to promise me he won't ever do these things again, especially the cheating, and he tells me he gets tired of promising.
As far as your calling a name, we are all guilty of sins (not just our spouses here). I think we all have done something in the haste of extreme anger or in the tormenting flow of overwhelming pain (was this why she said she did it?). If anger were a sin, would the Bible say to be angry and sin not? I have heard that hurting people hurt. I think it is also true for people who are terrified their spouse will cheat or go to any other betrayal (such as abuse, drugs, etc). You are justified in your anger as Jesus/God was when weeping, turning tables over, or turning away from Israel for cheating for a while, but you may want to consider your reactions and responses, how God takes it (yes I know we are hurting so badly, but it is still in a way "cheating" on God when we disobey and when we do not put Him first in everything and before everything or before each response to sin, even if we don't mean it). You can't control your spouse, but you can ask God to help you make your decisions on what you need to specifically do. No one else can tell you what you need or I need to do, they can only tell us Godly options and pray for us. I hope this helps, and I am sorry for your suffering.

 

[Grishnak]

I've just found this thread today, so forgive my lateness in responding. I too am searching for a way to forgive my husband of his indescresions. The ironic thing is the vey day cooper posted this thread was the day my husband confessed to me what he did. Apparently it only happened one time and as he put it, it was eating him up inside so he had to tell me. To make a long story short he left the house and said he was suicidal about it all, a few days later I let him back in the house and through prayer and speaking with 2 ministers I felt so much better. But slowly the betrayal and hurt is seeping back into my heart. All I want to do is cry. Everytime I look at him I get depressed and sad, he is acting as if nothing happens but it is tearing me up inside.

aww sis.
I know the hurt you have to feel.

I believe that the main reason Jesus pointed out that harlotry was cause for divorce is that, being God, He knew what pain Israel had caused God with thier adultery against Him.

I know its hard sis, but if youre hubby is truely repentant, please give it time.
You have just cause for a divorce now, but in cases where true repentance is evident and the person is a good spouse, its so much better to take the time and work thru things.

I know its not any comfort for you right now, but if you look around at couples who didnt divorce, but stayed and worked thru the adultery of thier spouse, many many times they say that the marriage is much better after than it had been before.
I guess its cause they really see how frail a marriage can be when it is taken for granted or neglected by one or both people. Afterwards, when theyve taken the time to repair the issue that brought about the sin, they find that theyve grown closer than they ever had been before.

If you love your husband and if he is as repentant as he sounds, go ahead and cry sis, let it out for as long as you need to.
It may take years before the pain is in the past, but it will happen if you truely want it to

Ill tell you, having a spouse that is sorry they hurt you and not just because they were busted is so rare.
Having one that would tell you of their own accord because it was eating at them is probably even more rare.

Look at it this way.
He didnt have to say anything.
He could have just hoped youd never find out.
But what you have is a man who really wants to be open and upfront from the sounds of it.
You can use that to rebuild your trust in him over time, I promise

Every time you think you cant trust him or youre losing trust in him, remind yourself that HE came to YOU and ratted on himself.
He WANTS to be forgiven by the woman he loves

edit.
Something else.
If its eating at you, and it will, then its best to talk to him about it.
Its going to keep that wound open for a while to talk about it, but I can tell you that pretending all is well when its not only leads to even more hard feelings and distance between the 2.

Dont let the adversary win here.
dont argue about things with him, but just tell him you need to talk about it until its resolved more for you.

Scripture says to confess our faults to one another.
Ive always felt that was because sin festers and grows when its kept locked away.
Just like therapy, if we talk openly about things in our lives, then theyve no where to hide and we can work thru them much easier.

By the same token, if youre hurting, talk to him about it.
He may just be playing everything is cool so youll be able to see that everything is ok now.
I know sometimes I try to be a rock for my honey when I think she needs it.
But sometimes she needs to talk until her hurt has been resolved.

 

[seebs]

Grishnak makes good points. You have a way better situation than many people do.

 

[E-beth]

When my husband of eight years confessed his nine-year infidelity, my heart was shattered. Then he had the audacity to be shocked that I wouldn't/couldn't forgive him. It was like he shattered a peice of glass and then gave me some glue and told me to put it back together.

I tried. I tried to just get on with life with him, but it would have been a false front. My love well had dried up and had been filled with poison. Everytime he touched me I cringed.

God knows how the descruction of trust and love feels. And that is why I know He blessed me when I got out and started healing.

 

[Svt4Him]

When my husband of eight years confessed his nine-year infidelity, my heart was shattered. Then he had the audacity to be shocked that I wouldn't/couldn't forgive him. It was like he shattered a peice of glass and then gave me some glue and told me to put it back together.

I tried. I tried to just get on with life with him, but it would have been a false front. My love well had dried up and had been filled with poison. Everytime he touched me I cringed.

God knows how the descruction of trust and love feels. And that is why I know He blessed me when I got out and started healing.

Can I just add that you must forgive him. Remember how much God has forgiven you, but you must forgive. Forgiveness frees you more than it frees him. There are consequences, and divorce is one of them. You have a few options now, but unforgiveness is not one of them. That said, it does take time and IMO an act of God, but you will do more harm to yourself by keeping unforgiveness than you will anyone else, and in all honesty you are a valuable person, why keep the extra baggage of unforgiveness? Not easy, I know, but important.

And as a guy, I am sorry this happened to you.

 

[roni754]

I am sorry it happened as well.

Just wanted to make a point, I've spken to my BIL (brother in law) who is also a pastor and used to be on of my best friends in high school. I spoke to him about the situation and although he blatantly admits his brother was wrong he also pointed out that forgiveness is more important to me than to him because by my unforgiveness, I will be kept out of heaven, this I believe. I am still struggling with it all and some days are better than others. I am born again saved ancitified filled with Gods precious Holy Ghost, however satan has been vexing me with a spirit of depression and suicidal thoughts over this whole thing.

What some people don't think about or realize is we are fleshly and have fleshly desires. These are not of God. I truley believe that satan was tempting my husband and thats why he did what he did. when my son tried to kill himself in front of me it was like he was someone else, not my son at all. Once I started rebuking spirits this immediately stopped. I'm not prophessing to have all the answers because if I did I wouldn't be here posting on this forum, I'm looking for a way to work past my pain and hurt of betrayal of trust.

My BIL explained to me that men (and I am believing this is the same for women)(I'll explain that later) have desires and fantasies even if they have never owned up to them. He said even as he's a preacher, he sees a fine looking woman he'll look a second longer than he should but he has to beat the flesh down because its a sin against our Father. He said women that may not wear a bra, or nipples showing through the shirt or tight pants on where you can see the panty line bothers even him for his is in the flesh.
This I believe because 2 reasons. 1. I never was the type of woman to look at other men, just my husband. I thought of every other man in the universe as I would my wordly brother, there was not an ounce of attractiveness to other men. 2. I believe these are temptations from satan because when I first began to acknowledge my gifts and work in them and minister to a mother in England, this made satan angry and suddenly I started being attracted to other men. I remember being in the grocery store with my husband and this man passed me, it was like I could feel his entire being there. I passed him and it took my breath away and what really gets me when I look back on it is the fact that when we passed each other, it was like no one else was in the isle (my husband was) and we both turned around and gazed at each other for a few moments. Like there was a connection. The funny thing about it is I am pretty overweight as is my husband and this guy was built and well cut. Some people might think that is just odd or a coincidence but I think it was satans temptation.

 

[revrobor]

I am assuming your wife has repented and asked forgiveness of you and God. If my assumption is correct then YOU are the problem.

Fifteen years ago my wife left me and had affairs with five different men. When she returned she asked forgiveness, I granted it and, while I never forgot it, her infidelity has not been a problem for me or our marriage.

I suspect you are still offended by what happened and, therefore, you have not really forgiven her. Perhaps you even want her to continue to "pay" for her sins. Your insecurity is a choice you have made (with some help from the Enemy). You can CHOOSE to trust her and forgive her or you can CHOOSE to bail. You have the Power to overcome (through the Holy Spirit) this situation if you CHOOSE to appropriate that power.

I know this sound less than loving but the Christian community has for too long done nothing but give brothers and sister in this situation nothing but "Oh you poor thing" strokes which accomplishes nothing as far as the marriages restoration is concerned. Our human emotions DO NOT rule unless we allow them to. Set your emotions aside and allow GOD to rule.

And spend some time trying to learn WHY she had the affair. I suspect you'll find that you were, and are, not a perfect person.

 

[cooper]

It is interesting to me to see several replies to those of us "victimized" by our spouses' adultery that we are advised to look at ourselves to see where we were party to, if not the catlysts for the marital breakdown: please note, the decision to break the marriage covenant and decide to have sex outside of marriage was unilateral and cannot possibly be placed squarely or implicitly on the faithful spouse. I resent all such notions and have spent years undoing the guilt and blame placed on me by my spouse thru counselling. For those of you on the receiving end of adultery take heed: IT IS/WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. We are each responsible for our individual actions and cannot blame others. Your spouse decided to do what they did regardless of how good or bad of a spouse you've been. They broke the covenant.

I don't think that advice will hold water in front of our creator some day. Didn't work for Eve; didn't work for Adam. While we all can be better spouses, nothing we do can be looked upon as the cause for our spouses' infidelity.

 

[seebs]

In the sense of moral justification, you may be correct. However, in many (not all) cases, adultery follows a breakdown in the marriage, and that breakdown may not be nearly so one-sided.