Forgetting Adultery

[cooper]

Agreed seebs; but, each of us are responsible for our own actions and decisions. Without moral resolve to avoid temptation, we place ourselves at risk. No one else places us there making each one us of fully culpable and accountable for our actions. As such, in this thread those of us on the receiving end of our spouses' adultery should prudently review the events that have been deemed an excuse/catalyst for their actions, but not to take them as blame; rather, understanding.

 

[Ann M]

I try to convince myself that I have forgiven him, but I know, that deep down, I am still working on it. I do not trust him 100%, and I doubt myself daily. Recently we were talking about me getting a job when our youngest starts school, and I told him that I'll be looking for work as a 'check-out chick', and he got angry because he says I'm so smart I could be anything I wanted to. And all I could think was that this was coming from the guy who slept with my closest friend, who insisted we take her away with us when we went to see a show, because she was going through a bad divorce with an abusive husband and hopped into her bed when I was in the room. When I realised where he intended to sleep that night I broke into pieces, and started crying, I honestly don't remember what happened next, but I know I ended up on the balcony sobbing and howling my pain, and he came out and told me to 'shut up' before i wake everyone else up. I was floored. His girlfriend blamed me, I cannot even remember how she justified it, just that she did and she told me to get out of his life. Believe it or not the next day she actually told me that we could still be friends because her sleeping with him had nothing to do with our friendship. That still canes me. He had told her that he loved her and that he was going to tell me that night that it was all over between us, he didn't deny this.

 

[Yitzchak]

At the risk of stating the obvious, regardless of how a couple got to their current situation and regardless of whom is to blame, they still have to deal with what is and not what should have been.

There are all kinds of past baggage that people can bring into a relationship. One principle which is impossible to avoid though is that unless a person invests fully into the marriage, present tense, then the marriage will slowly die. Regardless of how badly your spouse betrayed you , you must make a decision to either love them fully or leave. Otherwise you will witness a slow and much more painful death of your marriage.

Sometimes situations come down to who has the power to do something about it rather than who is to blame. The past is done and cannot be undone. So present tense , who has the power to make the marriage bad or good?? Both of you , of course. If you use past sins to cause the marriage top be all her responsiiblity now, the marriage will slowly die.

 

[seebs]

I try to convince myself that I have forgiven him, but I know, that deep down, I am still working on it. I do not trust him 100%, and I doubt myself daily. Recently we were talking about me getting a job when our youngest starts school, and I told him that I'll be looking for work as a 'check-out chick', and he got angry because he says I'm so smart I could be anything I wanted to. And all I could think was that this was coming from the guy who slept with my closest friend, who insisted we take her away with us when we went to see a show, because she was going through a bad divorce with an abusive husband and hopped into her bed when I was in the room. When I realised where he intended to sleep that night I broke into pieces, and started crying, I honestly don't remember what happened next, but I know I ended up on the balcony sobbing and howling my pain, and he came out and told me to 'shut up' before i wake everyone else up. I was floored. His girlfriend blamed me, I cannot even remember how she justified it, just that she did and she told me to get out of his life. Believe it or not the next day she actually told me that we could still be friends because her sleeping with him had nothing to do with our friendship. That still canes me. He had told her that he loved her and that he was going to tell me that night that it was all over between us, he didn't deny this.

I am unable to express my response to this story due to the censor filter. But wow. If you can even put up with him after that, let alone trust him, you're my new hero.

Has he realized how incredibly, stunningly, wrong this was?

 

[KittiK]

I sincerely hope that you find those answers you are looking for.

 

[Ann M]

When there's 6 kids in the equation, school age and under, you have to think about more than just yourself.

Trust is a HUGE issue, and an ongoing soul-search.

As to 'does he realize....' somedays I do truly wonder.

I think that the hardest part for me is that I still have questions that I want answered, that would help me understand better, but he has decided that i 'don't need to know'.

Somedays it's like I'm living in limbo, questioning everything and trusting nothing.