For the Men

[Katakalupto]

Men,
What are some things your wife can do to make you feel appreciated? Aside from telling you that she appreciates you that is. Little things, big things, any things, please. (ugh too much Dr. Seuss for me today)

 

[alwaysyoung]

Good question, I'm in.

 

[Cordy]

I am not a man, but if you are trying to find ways to make your husband feel appreciated, I think the best thing to do is talk to your husband. What one man really appreciates, the other might dislike or be indifferent to. Men, like women, have different love languages, and different personal interests.

 

[Katakalupto]

I have asked him, had he of answered me, I wouldn't have asked here. He told me to figure it out, I'm trying.

 

[Cordy]

I have asked him, had he of answered me, I wouldn't have asked here. He told me to figure it out, I'm trying.

Really? That seems like a rather cold response. If he doesn't communicate what he likes, how does he expect you to figure out?

 

[Katakalupto]

Really? That seems like a rather cold response. If he doesn't communicate what he likes, how does he expect you to figure out?

Yes. It did to me too. I don't know. We were having an argument and he said I don't show him enough appreciation. I have learned that even if he is harsh in what he says during an argument, he generally means it to some degree or another. Since telling him I appreciate him and what he does for our family daily isn't what he wants, I'm trying to figure out what would be a better way. I feel bad that he doesn't feel appreciated, when I really do appreciate all he does, but don't know how to communicate it to him. I was hoping some men would respond and give me some ideas to try, but oh well.

 

[Cordy]

Yes. It did to me too. I don't know. We were having an argument and he said I don't show him enough appreciation. I have learned that even if he is harsh in what he says during an argument, he generally means it to some degree or another. Since telling him I appreciate him and what he does for our family daily isn't what he wants, I'm trying to figure out what would be a better way. I feel bad that he doesn't feel appreciated, when I really do appreciate all he does, but don't know how to communicate it to him. I was hoping some men would respond and give me some ideas to try, but oh well.

Hmm... This is not advice, but if this were me, I would tell my husband that I want to show him appreciation, but he needs to communicate to me in order for me understand how I can help. Although I would like to do my best, he is setting himself up to be disappointed if he is expecting to be super-human and read his mind.

If you are showing appreciation, yet he doesn't feel it, perhaps it is because he has a different love language. Perhaps it might not have anything to do with appreciation at all. Maybe there is something else he is struggling with, and he is transferring being "unappreciated" at home. For instance, maybe he doesn't feel fully appreciated or fulfilled at work. Maybe he was trying to say something to hurt you in an argument, and that was it.

 

[pete56]

Well, don't you just love it , a lady comes to the group and asks for some male input and all the other ladies are here like bees round a honey pot, giving their advice and asking questions!

Just kidding ladies! I know you are trying to help!

Well for me the best thing my wife can do is to notice that I have been helpful and to specifically thank me

Pete

 

[JoeNah]

Yes. It did to me too. I don't know. We were having an argument and he said I don't show him enough appreciation. I have learned that even if he is harsh in what he says during an argument, he generally means it to some degree or another. Since telling him I appreciate him and what he does for our family daily isn't what he wants, I'm trying to figure out what would be a better way. I feel bad that he doesn't feel appreciated, when I really do appreciate all he does, but don't know how to communicate it to him. I was hoping some men would respond and give me some ideas to try, but oh well.

There's something else going on, here, and I get the feeling that it's not at home. There's no way that hearing someone say, in all sincerety, "Thank you!", or, "I appreciate what you did!", is going to roll off like water off the proverbial duck's back. How's your love life? Does he come home to sweet and sour liver, with eggplant as the veggie, when he's hoping for steak? He needs to actually say, "I like it when you_____" or, "I like it when you don't _____." He needs to say, "You're welcome," when you say, "Thank you." Obviously, I don't know for sure; I can only speculate. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. There are no qualifiers, tangents, modifiers, conditions or exceptions. Not even for PMS. If you give him your full attention when he wants or needs it, and you don't make excuses when he wants to be intimate, and you are supportive, and do whatever God leads you to do, above and beyond those things, then you've done all you can do and it's his responsibility to respond.

 

[Katakalupto]

Well, don't you just love it , a lady comes to the group and asks for some male input and all the other ladies are here like bees round a honey pot, giving their advice and asking questions!

Just kidding ladies! I know you are trying to help!

Well for me the best thing my wife can do is to notice that I have been helpful and to specifically thank me

Pete

Lol pete56, that was kinda my first thought too. Thanks for your answer.

 

[Katakalupto]

There's something else going on, here, and I get the feeling that it's not at home. There's no way that hearing someone say, in all sincerety, "Thank you!", or, "I appreciate what you did!", is going to roll off like water off the proverbial duck's back. How's your love life? Does he come home to sweet and sour liver, with eggplant as the veggie, when he's hoping for steak? He needs to actually say, "I like it when you_____" or, "I like it when you don't _____." He needs to say, "You're welcome," when you say, "Thank you." Obviously, I don't know for sure; I can only speculate. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and gave Himself for her. There are no qualifiers, tangents, modifiers, conditions or exceptions. Not even for PMS. If you give him your full attention when he wants or needs it, and you don't make excuses when he wants to be intimate, and you are supportive, and do whatever God leads you to do, above and beyond those things, then you've done all you can do and it's his responsibility to respond.

It could possibly be something at work bothering him and he is taking it out on me. Occasionally when he is upset or stressed at work, he picks arguments with me. Love life is great. Thanks for your response.

 

[Cordy]

Well, don't you just love it , a lady comes to the group and asks for some male input and all the other ladies are here like bees round a honey pot, giving their advice and asking questions!

Just kidding ladies! I know you are trying to help!

Well, I can’t help if it took you so long to step up to plate!

I just know from my experience, when it has been in reverse, it has caused more problems than good. I had a boyfriend who thought he would study “what women want” (before we met). He got various responses from women that “women like it when you do this”, “women like it when you do that”, “women like to be able to do this” etc. So, when we met me, he thought he knew how to show affection for me. It was so frustrating because I didn’t like or share the same love languages or interests as the women from whom he got his advice. It took many months for him to deprogram his assumptions, and really start listening to me.

I also know if I tried to treat my husband in the manner that several men in the MM say they want to be treated, he would be totally creeped out. That is why I just find these kinds of questions dangerous, but I guess looking for different ideas might be helpful.

But if your husband is not willing to communicate with you, I think it is a hard problem to resolve.

 

[pete56]

Well, I can’t help if it took you so long to step up to plate!

Sister i don't even know what plate you are referring too! Remember I am British!

 

[WalksWithChrist]

I'm kind of an oddball, so take this as you will.

I guess anyone would expect to be thanked for big things like repaving the driveway or driving all day to see inlaws...I would hope anyway! lol

But for me, I just want to be taken seriously even when I'm really not making any sense. Men need to feel important even when they are talking about something small or just venting. I do anyway.

Little things make the difference!

When your husband asks for something "just for him" don't say no automatically if he deserves it. If it's a candy bar or getting to watch a "guy flick" now and then...give him those little things.

Reciprocity is key tho! Your giving *should* inspire him as well. If it doesn't...well, then there may be a bigger problem.

Hope this helps and hope I didn't ramble completely.

 

[Katakalupto]

I'm kind of an oddball, so take this as you will.

I guess anyone would expect to be thanked for big things like repaving the driveway or driving all day to see inlaws...I would hope anyway! lol

But for me, I just want to be taken seriously even when I'm really not making any sense. Men need to feel important even when they are talking about something small or just venting. I do anyway.

Little things make the difference!

When your husband asks for something "just for him" don't say no automatically if he deserves it. If it's a candy bar or getting to watch a "guy flick" now and then...give him those little things.

Reciprocity is key tho! Your giving *should* inspire him as well. If it doesn't...well, then there may be a bigger problem.

Hope this helps and hope I didn't ramble completely.

Thanks. It makes sense. I'll keep that in mind thanks.

Naw, you didn't ramble.

 

[J20]

Men,
What are some things your wife can do to make you feel appreciated? Aside from telling you that she appreciates you that is. Little things, big things, any things, please. (ugh too much Dr. Seuss for me today)

Easy question to answer, put her arms around me look me in the eyes and say I love you so much then really kiss me, thats all it takes for me.

 

[BigNorsk]

I suspect the current situation is likely some situation at work stressing him and he's bringing it home to share.

I thought his suggestion that you should basically figure it out yourself was very much like a woman, you did marry a man didn't you? (Just checking) Usually it's the woman who has some expectations and just plain flat out refuses to tell the clueless fellow because she has decided if he loved her he would just know somehow.

Anyway, appreciation is shown to some degree by the polite thanking of a person but usually when guys are saying they aren't appreciated it's because they are reading something their family is saying or doing that way, it isn't necessarily true.

For instance a wife might share her plans for the house, decorate this, add this on, change that, and what the guy might be hearing is that he is a bad provider and can't even give her a house worth living in.

Now there is another situation, and it's one of the big ones. It's called money. If the guy sees his family throwing away money and spending it without concern. That really says to him that he isn't valued, because that money represents a part of his life. A wife who spends it on more shoes than a small country would need, or gambles it away, or uses it in other ways is really showing that his life is not important to her.

Almost anything to do with money can be interpreted by some guys as their family doesn't value them. Either a chronic shortage or loose spending or whatever. It really eats on a lot of guys.

Here's an example, I talked to a guy one time and he was kind of down and I got him to share why. He said his wife and kids beat him up all the time because he didn't spend enough time with them. Yet he said when he was home, all he would hear was a constant stream of John needs this, and Sue wants that, and isn't the carpet getting kind of old and he said he would take it as long as he could, and then he would get up and go back to work. See he didn't feel valued either. He heard all those things his family wanted to share with him as judgements that he wasn't providing for them. And so he would leave to do just that.

One other area that is common when a man complains so. Is the area of being the head of the house. I would encourage you to think about your initial reaction when your husband says something. Do you go with it, or do you fight against it? Many women have their first thing they do any time their husband says something is to fight against it and test it and so on. Well if the couple has a good relationship, some testing and such can make the good better, but what often happens is that the guy interprets the reaction of his wife to mean she doesn't have any faith in him. She doesn't respect him or trust his judgement, and that can be very damaging.

So there was a bunch of things to read through and think about, I don't know if any of them apply to you, there's no real way for me to know, but they are common problems that happen in a lot of marriages.

Marv

 

[Katakalupto]

I suspect the current situation is likely some situation at work stressing him and he's bringing it home to share.

I thought his suggestion that you should basically figure it out yourself was very much like a woman, you did marry a man didn't you? (Just checking) Usually it's the woman who has some expectations and just plain flat out refuses to tell the clueless fellow because she has decided if he loved her he would just know somehow.

Anyway, appreciation is shown to some degree by the polite thanking of a person but usually when guys are saying they aren't appreciated it's because they are reading something their family is saying or doing that way, it isn't necessarily true.

For instance a wife might share her plans for the house, decorate this, add this on, change that, and what the guy might be hearing is that he is a bad provider and can't even give her a house worth living in.

Now there is another situation, and it's one of the big ones. It's called money. If the guy sees his family throwing away money and spending it without concern. That really says to him that he isn't valued, because that money represents a part of his life. A wife who spends it on more shoes than a small country would need, or gambles it away, or uses it in other ways is really showing that his life is not important to her.

Almost anything to do with money can be interpreted by some guys as their family doesn't value them. Either a chronic shortage or loose spending or whatever. It really eats on a lot of guys.

Here's an example, I talked to a guy one time and he was kind of down and I got him to share why. He said his wife and kids beat him up all the time because he didn't spend enough time with them. Yet he said when he was home, all he would hear was a constant stream of John needs this, and Sue wants that, and isn't the carpet getting kind of old and he said he would take it as long as he could, and then he would get up and go back to work. See he didn't feel valued either. He heard all those things his family wanted to share with him as judgements that he wasn't providing for them. And so he would leave to do just that.

One other area that is common when a man complains so. Is the area of being the head of the house. I would encourage you to think about your initial reaction when your husband says something. Do you go with it, or do you fight against it? Many women have their first thing they do any time their husband says something is to fight against it and test it and so on. Well if the couple has a good relationship, some testing and such can make the good better, but what often happens is that the guy interprets the reaction of his wife to mean she doesn't have any faith in him. She doesn't respect him or trust his judgement, and that can be very damaging.

So there was a bunch of things to read through and think about, I don't know if any of them apply to you, there's no real way for me to know, but they are common problems that happen in a lot of marriages.

Marv

Yeah he is a man, but once a month his mood swings make me wonder.

Thanks for all the info and advice. The first bit, kinda seems to fit him and how he views things. He hates change, yet talks about it all the time.

I know he gets stressed about money, but we have a budget we stick to all the time unless he wants to get something else that isn't on it. I'm not a big shoe fan. I have two pair and will wear them until they wear out. I don't see the point in having a bunch.

My husband is totally the head of our home and knows it. This wasn't always so, but I came to realize that was the way God wanted things. And they work out so much better when he is the head of our household.

Anywho thank you.

 

[Katakalupto]

Easy question to answer, put her arms around me look me in the eyes and say I love you so much then really kiss me, thats all it takes for me.

 

[bugskippy]

I agree with everyone here. It sounds a lot like straight up mind games. If he wants you to express appreciation for something, he's going to have to go that extra mile to let you know what it is.

For most husbands (as should be with all married men) being a provider and leader are two of our main functions in the marriage. There are few things that make me feel more loved and worthwhile than when my wife tells me that I'm doing good for the family.