'Dad, brother, second-cousin...' the Doctor began to count on his fingers to Sam91 the number of this creature's relations he had defeated to date. 'Another brother, uncle, great grand-pappy... See @Sam91?' the Doctor couldn't help gloating mid-count. 'Isn't defeating monsters so much more legendary than getting everyone fruit for breakfast?' But his boast fell on deaf ears.
'Doctor Sphinx!' screamed Sam91, pointing to
@LaSorcia. 'Do something!'
The very life was being squeezed from poor LaSorcia. Tendrils of thick, noodle-like appendages had encompassed the stern but beautiful moderator, and were now endeavouring to squeeze the goodness out of her, leaving nothing but a grumpy, spent husk with some gray hair attached. (Beautiful hair, and in fact, hair in general, doesn't tend to contain much goodness at all, but the goodness it does have can be seen in its colour and sparkle in the sun, and the creature was intending to suck out of LaSorcia even this nourishment). Clearly, there was plenty of goodness to be squeezed from the lady, as the tendril coils seemed to be taking their time to extract everything they could. Her hand - its genteel but somewhat discombobulated pinky upraised despite the dire situation - still held fast to the safety scissors, but her snipping became slower and slower, as the tentacles drained the life force from her.
'Doctor Sphinx! What is it? At least tell us that!' exclaimed Sam91.
The doctor shook his head in order to return to reality. Since the arrival of the cowboy, Sam91's attention being diverted in what the Doctor considered disreputable directions, and the doctor's nose incident, he'd found himself lapsing into thought more often.
'Flying spaghetti monster!' he cried out, the pulleys and gears in his ancient brain system finally kicked into action by Sam91's earnest and continued calls for help.
'Well, how do we defeat it?' asked
@joyshirley.
'Flying spaghetti monsters have one weakness,' explained Doctor Sphinx knowledgably. 'Or maybe more, but at least one known to man.'
'And woman,' he added hastily, for Sam91's benefit.
'At the centre of the mass of spaghetti tendrils should be two large, meat-ball like masses,' explained the Doctor.
'Are those its brains?' asked Sam91 inquisitively.
'Possibly', Sam91, 'Possibly...' noted the Doctor uncertainly. 'But whatever they are, if you give either of those obnoxious lumps a kick or a punch, or even a stab, the flying spaghetti monster is almost certain to flee away.'
'Do we need to destroy both brains?' asked JoyShirley.
The Doctor shook his head. Flying spaghetti monsters place great store on knowledge, and are very cautious and sensitive about losing any of it, so inflicting damage to either of its brains should be enough."
Sam91 promptly brought her guillotine of righteousness out of her neatly packed handbag. Holding up her Honourary Male Medallion, she stated bravely 'Then I shall swim under the ship, neatly remove both of this horrible creature's brains, and mount them upon my cabin wall. It shall bother us no more.'
'I appreciate your enthusiasm, Sam91', replied the doctor, 'but the guillotine of righteousness might be overkill', he explained. 'Because these creatures are so sensitive about brain damage, even a well-placed elbow or knee to one of its brains should be enough to dissuade it from eating our ship, not to mention a stab from any number of those scalpels you carry. Besides, the guillotine of righteousness is quite large. Even an honourary man would have difficulty swimming with that.'
Sam91 stared at the Doctor. Since his return from philistine-occupied-Narnia, he seemed to have become a bit soft. She wondered if he hadn't somehow got infected with something from those nasty philistines. She made a mental note to investigate further, once things returned to normal.
'Look Sam91, you and the girls start hacking away at the tentacles, and I'll go and sort the monster's brains out,' shouted Doctor Sphinx hurriedly, as he dived into the ocean, cutlass in hand, in order to prevent any more argument.
The less-than-tolerable-despite-his-efforts
@Circumcised_Heart, Sam91 noted, to his credit, had put aside his cowardice - at least for the moment - and had salvaged a hatchet from somewhere to work away at the invading tentacles. Sam91 groaned a little inside when she observed that the cowboy was still wearing his special yarmulke-of-cookery-for-the-irregular-head-shaped-chef, and in between hacking tendrils, was hurrying back to the scullery to boil them up, so as to serve up to an ever-hungry Captain
@DavidFirth and the
@GreenWizard.
@christine40, making a special guest appearance for the episode, had managed to locate LaSorcia's katars, utilised them to free LaSorcia from the goodness sucking tentacles, and the two girls were working together to cut off as many tendrils as they could; Christine40 with LaSorcia's katars, LaSorcia with her scissors - the safety feature well and truly turned off for the emergency, her upturned pinky once again in its genteel position.
But no matter how much the crew hacked away at the spaghetti-like appendages, it seemed there were ever more and more of them. Sam91 noted grimly that all their hopes rested on the brave-but-oft-times-treachurous Doctor Sphinx, and his plan to drive something pointy deep into one of the monster's brains, or at the least, to cause enough injury to make the monster think twice about devouring the ship and her crew.
It was at this moment that the Doctor resurfaced, a puzzled expression on his face.
'Well', Sam91 asked him. 'Did it work? Did you destroy one brain, or both?'
The Doctor, still treading water, shook his head worriedly. 'I don't understand it', he explained. 'This one doesn't seem to have any brains.'
