Hello everyone.
This is going to be a pretty long post...just a warning.
I really need somewhere to go and I need some advice.
My fiancé and I have been together for a little over 3 years and we've been engaged since January. Our relationship has been amazing. We hardly ever fight or disagree. It's pretty awesome. He's my best friend and I could never imagine my life without him.
There is one thing we have seriously fought about and it's been a huge downer on our relationship. It has given me doubts about our future and I know it's been something he feels awful about.
My fiancé (who I'll call Carl for this post to make it easier) comes from a very religious family and attends church every week. I've been watching him have ups and downs in his walk with Christ (who doesn't?), but recently it seems like he's struggling all the time. When we first started dating, his relationship with God was so strong that it was contagious. I became a Christian within the first 3 months of our friendship. Now it seems like he really wants that strong relationship with God, but is having a very hard time doing so.
About a year ago, Carl sat me down and told me that he had been looking at images he shouldn't have been (he had been looking at pornography) for almost 2 years. I honestly was very surprised. I never expected it, never caught him looking at it, and he seemed like he would never do something like that. I guess I just always saw him as a very innocent person who was incapable of doing something like that.
I was very upset about this situation and didn't know how to handle it. We had many conversations about it and when it seemed like he was never going to stop no matter how much I cried and how much support I tried to give him, we sat down with our pastor. He's been clean for over a month now. He no longer has a phone that can access the internet and his laptop has a pretty strong security program on it. So, he really doesn't have a choice right now. His 2 sources of porn are gone. He is much happier now and when we had our last talk with our pastor you could see how proud my fiancé was of himself for coming so far.
I still have trust issues with this subject... It's something I am now struggling with. If someone were to ask me if I completely trusted Carl with a phone that had internet access, I know I would say no. He's lied to me about it a couple times and when he messed up or had weak moments, I was guilty of not controlling my hurt and anger. This is something that scares me, but I am very proud of him for coming as far as he has.
The pastor told me to check on Carl every once and while by asking how he was doing. So, a week ago I asked him. He said that he was doing very well with the porn, but he also had a very scared look on his face. I thought he might have had a weak moment and I did my best to reassure him that it happens and it's okay. But that wasn't it. He was extremely embarrassed about what he was going to tell me. I waited patiently for him to muster up the courage to speak and when he finally did, I was shocked.
He said that he thinks he found out the reason why he was/is so drawn to porn. He said that he is jealous of how women interact with each other. How they live their lives and how they just generally live (wow, that was kind of redundant...lol) I was kind of confused by that statement, so I asked him to elaborate. He said that he often imagines himself in the physical body of a woman and he is sexually aroused by these thoughts. It could be something as simple as imagining himself going to work or doing simple daily tasks. He also has had many sexual fantasies as himself as a woman.
I didn't know was to say and blurted out the question if he thought he was gay or bi. I honestly thought there was no way he was fully gay. He's always been sexual toward me (which is something else we are struggling with). We promised to not have sex before our wedding, which is 2 years away, but we have gotten close to breaking that promise and have had to seek help from trusted members of our church.
Anyway, Carl said that he was very sure he wasn't gay or bi, but also said that while having sexual fantasies about being a woman he has fantasies about having sex with other women, but thought that was bad because it was homosexual thoughts. So he tried having fantasies about having sex with other men and he said it was too strange for him and couldn't do it. Maybe he really is bi, but is having a hard time admitting it or wrapping his mind around it? As far as the porn goes, the only kind I ever saw on his computer was things to do with women. I never saw any homosexual porn.
He even told me about experiences he remembers having as a child such as cross dressing and being fascinated with girls and women. So these feelings of fantasizing as a woman have been going on ever since Carl can remember.
He said he looked up Gender Identity Disorder and many different things such as treatments. He really thinks he has a form of GID. He's very embarrassed about having these thoughts and feelings. He says they're getting in the way of his spiritual life and he just wants to be the male God created him as and follow His will.
We really don't know where to go from here. I'm concerned because I know things like this can lead to depression in some people if nothing is done. And I don't want him to surprise me one day by saying he's no longer happy as a man (he has not said this yet). Our wedding is in 2 years.
We can't go to Carl's family. I know they would disown him if they ever found out about this. They are very strict Christians and do not have an open mind on this subject. I want to do everything I can for Carl because I am the only person he feels he can go to for this. I will always love him. Always. I just want him to be happy and I want him to have the strongest relationship with our Father as he can.
I've e-mailed a few therapists in our area about a week ago, but I haven't heard anything from them.
What would be the best steps for us to take next?
Thank you for taking time to read this. Any thoughts or advice are greatly appreciated! Being a young Christian adult in today's society is very hard... What gets me through the days is knowing that God is always here with us and is experiencing our pain and confusion with us as well.
God bless!
This is going to be a pretty long post...just a warning.
I really need somewhere to go and I need some advice.My fiancé and I have been together for a little over 3 years and we've been engaged since January. Our relationship has been amazing. We hardly ever fight or disagree. It's pretty awesome. He's my best friend and I could never imagine my life without him.
There is one thing we have seriously fought about and it's been a huge downer on our relationship. It has given me doubts about our future and I know it's been something he feels awful about.
My fiancé (who I'll call Carl for this post to make it easier) comes from a very religious family and attends church every week. I've been watching him have ups and downs in his walk with Christ (who doesn't?), but recently it seems like he's struggling all the time. When we first started dating, his relationship with God was so strong that it was contagious. I became a Christian within the first 3 months of our friendship. Now it seems like he really wants that strong relationship with God, but is having a very hard time doing so.
About a year ago, Carl sat me down and told me that he had been looking at images he shouldn't have been (he had been looking at pornography) for almost 2 years. I honestly was very surprised. I never expected it, never caught him looking at it, and he seemed like he would never do something like that. I guess I just always saw him as a very innocent person who was incapable of doing something like that.
I was very upset about this situation and didn't know how to handle it. We had many conversations about it and when it seemed like he was never going to stop no matter how much I cried and how much support I tried to give him, we sat down with our pastor. He's been clean for over a month now. He no longer has a phone that can access the internet and his laptop has a pretty strong security program on it. So, he really doesn't have a choice right now. His 2 sources of porn are gone. He is much happier now and when we had our last talk with our pastor you could see how proud my fiancé was of himself for coming so far.
I still have trust issues with this subject... It's something I am now struggling with. If someone were to ask me if I completely trusted Carl with a phone that had internet access, I know I would say no. He's lied to me about it a couple times and when he messed up or had weak moments, I was guilty of not controlling my hurt and anger. This is something that scares me, but I am very proud of him for coming as far as he has.
The pastor told me to check on Carl every once and while by asking how he was doing. So, a week ago I asked him. He said that he was doing very well with the porn, but he also had a very scared look on his face. I thought he might have had a weak moment and I did my best to reassure him that it happens and it's okay. But that wasn't it. He was extremely embarrassed about what he was going to tell me. I waited patiently for him to muster up the courage to speak and when he finally did, I was shocked.
He said that he thinks he found out the reason why he was/is so drawn to porn. He said that he is jealous of how women interact with each other. How they live their lives and how they just generally live (wow, that was kind of redundant...lol) I was kind of confused by that statement, so I asked him to elaborate. He said that he often imagines himself in the physical body of a woman and he is sexually aroused by these thoughts. It could be something as simple as imagining himself going to work or doing simple daily tasks. He also has had many sexual fantasies as himself as a woman.
I didn't know was to say and blurted out the question if he thought he was gay or bi. I honestly thought there was no way he was fully gay. He's always been sexual toward me (which is something else we are struggling with). We promised to not have sex before our wedding, which is 2 years away, but we have gotten close to breaking that promise and have had to seek help from trusted members of our church.
Anyway, Carl said that he was very sure he wasn't gay or bi, but also said that while having sexual fantasies about being a woman he has fantasies about having sex with other women, but thought that was bad because it was homosexual thoughts. So he tried having fantasies about having sex with other men and he said it was too strange for him and couldn't do it. Maybe he really is bi, but is having a hard time admitting it or wrapping his mind around it? As far as the porn goes, the only kind I ever saw on his computer was things to do with women. I never saw any homosexual porn.
He even told me about experiences he remembers having as a child such as cross dressing and being fascinated with girls and women. So these feelings of fantasizing as a woman have been going on ever since Carl can remember.
He said he looked up Gender Identity Disorder and many different things such as treatments. He really thinks he has a form of GID. He's very embarrassed about having these thoughts and feelings. He says they're getting in the way of his spiritual life and he just wants to be the male God created him as and follow His will.
We really don't know where to go from here. I'm concerned because I know things like this can lead to depression in some people if nothing is done. And I don't want him to surprise me one day by saying he's no longer happy as a man (he has not said this yet). Our wedding is in 2 years.
We can't go to Carl's family. I know they would disown him if they ever found out about this. They are very strict Christians and do not have an open mind on this subject. I want to do everything I can for Carl because I am the only person he feels he can go to for this. I will always love him. Always. I just want him to be happy and I want him to have the strongest relationship with our Father as he can.
I've e-mailed a few therapists in our area about a week ago, but I haven't heard anything from them.
What would be the best steps for us to take next?
Thank you for taking time to read this. Any thoughts or advice are greatly appreciated! Being a young Christian adult in today's society is very hard... What gets me through the days is knowing that God is always here with us and is experiencing our pain and confusion with us as well.
God bless!
