Fetal Demise

[Devnet]

Many years ago (decades) ago my mother got pregnant with a fetus that died in-utero. The fetus died too early to know if the fetus was a boy or a girl. A while ago I gave the fetus a gender neutral name that I liked (because my parents didn't give the fetus a name and I wanted to). The fetus's body was disposed of by the hospital that performed her sort-of-abortion (the procedure was the same as any abortion, but the fetus was dead before the procedure began, so not everyone considers it to be an abortion). I was wondering if there is any kind of guidance within the Anglican faith for dealing with this kind of thing. I still feel sad about it, and I've always wanted to do something for the fetus, but I don't know what.

 

[graceandpeace]

Did you tell your parents that you "named" the fetus? If not, then I would keep it that way. Because if your parents wanted to name it, they would have & telling them you've taken it upon yourself to name it will only inflict pain on them. Further, it's not your place to name the deceased. If you're having trouble coping with the loss, seek counseling from a professional or your priest/pastor.

I don't know about an Anglican answer, but I think I offered a common sense one.

Good luck.

 

[FireDragon76]

I was wondering if there is any kind of guidance within the Anglican faith for dealing with this kind of thing. I still feel sad about it, and I've always wanted to do something for the fetus, but I don't know what.

I don't think there's any remotely official Anglican or Episcopalian practices on that issue. Usually, funerals are not done in the case of miscarriage.

I know in Roman Catholicism, St. Joseph, following his example as a step-father, is seen as the patron of the unborn, and their are devotional practices related to this, such as novenas. Given that some Anglicans share some of the sentiments and theology of Roman Catholicism, that might be something worth exploring.

However, I would think most Anglicans would consider aborted or miscarried infants in God's care, and not something that demands its own distinct rites. In the current Episcopalian Eucharistic liturgies, there are prayers for all the departed in general, and in some cases specific persons may be mentioned, at the discretion of the clergy.

Beyond that, I agree with what GraceAndPeace said.

 

[Devnet]

Did you tell your parents that you "named" the fetus? If not, then I would keep it that way. Because if your parents wanted to name it, they would have & telling them you've taken it upon yourself to name it will only inflict pain on them.

My mother is aware that I named the fetus, and she doesn't mind.

My father sexually abused me as a child and I don't speak to him anymore, so we haven't discussed the issue.

Further, it's not your place to name the deceased.

. . . why is it not my place?

This actually hurts my feelings a lot. I hadn't anticipated being criticized over how I've dealt with this experience.

If you're having trouble coping with the loss, seek counseling from a professional or your priest/pastor.

I don't think that what I'm experiencing counts as "trouble coping," but thanks.

I'm sorry, I'm not actually as up to this as I thought I was; I felt safer posting this here than I should have. I'm going to take at least a couple hours break from this thread. FireDragon76, I'll try to read your post when I'm up to it. Thank you for responding.

 

[Liberasit]

Many years ago (decades) ago my mother got pregnant with a fetus that died in-utero. The fetus died too early to know if the fetus was a boy or a girl. A while ago I gave the fetus a gender neutral name that I liked (because my parents didn't give the fetus a name and I wanted to). The fetus's body was disposed of by the hospital that performed her sort-of-abortion (the procedure was the same as any abortion, but the fetus was dead before the procedure began, so not everyone considers it to be an abortion). I was wondering if there is any kind of guidance within the Anglican faith for dealing with this kind of thing. I still feel sad about it, and I've always wanted to do something for the fetus, but I don't know what.

We would address this situation through our pastoral care - by coming alongside the parents and being honest with them about our lack of answers as to why it happened, but reassuring them that God loves them and shares their pain.

We would not consider this an abortion in that negative sense, although medically speaking, a miscarriage is also called an abortion. We don't tend to carry out ERPC in the UK these days, preferring nature to take its course.

If the unborn child dies after 24 weeks, they could have a full Church of England funeral with a committal. Before that time, the remains are usually taken care of by the hospital, with chaplain or parish minister involvement. A committal for us is usually cremation, so practically speaking, a hospital cremation is more straightforward than a crematorium one.

Our funeral liturgy revolves around an assurance of rising again, and this can be tricky when trying to celebrate the life of someone who did not take even their first breath, and was not "quick".

 

[graceandpeace]

My mother is aware that I named the fetus, and she doesn't mind.

My father sexually abused me as a child and I don't speak to him anymore, so we haven't discussed the issue.


. . . why is it not my place?

This actually hurts my feelings a lot. I hadn't anticipated being criticized over how I've dealt with this experience.


I don't think that what I'm experiencing counts as "trouble coping," but thanks.

I wasn't criticizing you.

Typically birth parents name children. If naming the deceased helps you, that's fine. All I was suggesting is to refrain from telling your family you had done this because it could hurt them. If your mom already knows, it can't be undone. It's good she said she's okay with it (whether she really is, I can't know).

You said you were feeling sad & the naming issue struck me as odd - that's why I suggested counseling. It wasn't a personal attack.

For the record, I speak as one who is a mom & one who has also lost a sibling in utero.