Ferbering?

[sgrimsley]

Any thoughts on the Ferber method? I for one am not a fan. I can't stand to hear my baby cry at all. DH thinks a little differently and thinks that I pick her up too soon and that's why she won't sleep in her bassinet. She's only six weeks old, so I don't see letting her cry it out. And I'm pretty sure the ferber method is for 5 months and older. What are your thoughts?

 

[jgonz]

No matter how Anyone feels about the Ferber method, 6 weeks old is WAY too young to make a baby CIO. At 6 wks old a newborn has only 1 way to communicate~ by crying to get your attention. In the womb she was taken care of 24/7... now she's only getting a fraction of that care! From her point of view she may have gotten jipped. lol

 

[JustBoo]

arrrgghh....sorry but when a father , who doesn't have baby and nursing related hormones surging through him starts telling a mom that she's 'responding to her baby too fast' at SIX WEEKS OLD it gets my blood boiling. You have instincts. Every fibre of your being aches to pick up a 6 week old crying baby who you birthed.. . Listen to it and forget what he says.


grrrr . .
sorry if that sounded disrespectful.

Anyone , other then maybe the pearls or ezzos would consider ' ferberizing' a 6 week old nearly abusive. Probably even Ferber.

A six week old doesn't need "sleep training' they need to eat , sleep,and be touched and held as much as is possible. That is not just my opinion either it is fact. Children learn through touch and depriving them of that when they are communicating that they need that is wrong.

Over and over research is showing that healthy attachment , fostered through responsive parenting is a HUGE factor in a childs health and emotional wellbeing.

 

[heart of peace]

Ferber did not intend for his method to be used with a 6 week old, it was geared to infants around 6 months old. I read the book, reading a book doesn't mean I will suddenly begin parenting in a way that goes against my convictions. At the very least, it gives me a basis to state with passion that his method is NOT for my family (as I'm not basing it off of someone else's interpretation),

Anyway, in his recent edition, he made some revisions to the first edition:

What's new in the revised version of the book?
When the 2006 edition of Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems came out, it was rumored that Ferber had reversed his earlier approach, but that simply isn't true. The new book reiterates a lot of what Ferber wrote in the earlier volume, with some important clarifications and additions:

• Cry it out. In the preface of the new book, Ferber takes pains to clarify his position: "Simply leaving a child in a crib to cry for long periods alone until he falls sleep, no matter how long it takes, is not an approach I approve of. On the contrary, many of the approaches I recommend are designed specifically to avoid unnecessary crying." Ferber's "progressive waiting" technique encourages parents to frequently comfort their child during the sleep training process.

• Sleep sharing. In the original edition of the book, Ferber was firmly opposed to the concept of parents and children sleeping together, saying, "We know for a fact that people sleep better alone in bed," and arguing that learning to sleep alone is an important part of a child's healthy development. In the revised edition, Ferber is far less rigid on the subject. Children who co-sleep, he says, "are not prevented from learning to separate, or from developing their own sense of individuality, simply because they sleep with their parents. Whatever you want to do, whatever you feel comfortable doing, is the right thing to do, as long as it works."

http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-ferber-method-demystified_7755.bc

 

[CarrieAg93]

My son was very little, maybe even less than 6 wks. (*gasp*) when I literally stayed up all night holding him because everytime I put him down he would wake up and scream. After that we let him CIO. NOT for hours on end and NOT without knowing that he didn't need anything. If that makes "nearly abusive" then call the authorities. Our choice was to let out kids CIO. They are NOT ABUSED. They are happy, well-adjusted children.

 

[RedTulipMom]

I am not a CIO advocate at all, but even if you are willing to have your child CIO, even Ferber tells you not to start it till 6 mos old, NOT 6 weeks. At 6 weeks they are still NEEDING FOOD every 2-4 hours all night long. he is crying for food in the middle of the night...so pick him up and feed him. God bless.

 

[gracepaints]

A baby's wants ARE her needs. She's crying to be picked up because she NEEDS you to pick her up.

Tell your husband that all the moms on CF said, that will all due respect, he has no idea what he's talking about.

 

[heart of peace]

You should read up on Eric Erikson's theory of human development. He is fascinating. Basically, he theorizes that humans go through 8 stages in their [social-emotional] development where two basic qualities are being formed, shaped and ultimately developed. His view was that a psychological crises occurs at each stage which must be worked out and resolved. Depending on what occurs in each stage, one either is successful in that stage or unsuccessful, thus either taking the positive aspect of that stage on to the next or the negative aspect. Therefore, if one is successful, s/he is better armed to successfully complete the next stage of development. If not, s/he is more likely to struggle through the following stage(s).


For example, the first stage of development is the first year of life and the qualities that the developing human is working out is Trust vs Mistrust. So, if the infant is able to trust his 'world', which basically is his/her parents, then s/he will gain the basic human quality of trust that the world is a good place. The opposite is also true. If an infant within the first year has a need (and like gracepaints said, at this point wants and needs are the same) and these needs are ignored, then the infant will feel a sense of mistrust and this will carry over into his view of the "world" (again because his/her parents reflect the world to him/her).

Crying it out in the first year is VERY detrimental to a developing human's psychological makeup. CIO in the typical sense in the second year is not something I would personally advocate, but it would certainly not be as detrimental to a person's development.

 

[Meshavrischika]

Any thoughts on the Ferber method? I for one am not a fan. I can't stand to hear my baby cry at all. DH thinks a little differently and thinks that I pick her up too soon and that's why she won't sleep in her bassinet. She's only six weeks old, so I don't see letting her cry it out. And I'm pretty sure the ferber method is for 5 months and older. What are your thoughts?

Eh.

I normally have an idea why Randi is crying (even when she was little). As moms we are intuative and know for the most part when it is real distress and when it is "I don't wanna go to bed" or something like that. For the times when there is distress I certainly would never wait to pick her up. For the whiney times when I knew she was clean, dry, fed and burped and there was no pain... I let her cry (mostly when I put her down for a nap).... but even then, too long is too long. You have to be flexible.

 

[sgrimsley]

A baby's wants ARE her needs. She's crying to be picked up because she NEEDS you to pick her up.

Tell your husband that all the moms on CF said, that will all due respect, he has no idea what he's talking about.

LOL He's already apologized and said that I would know better than he, it's just that he gets frustrated sometimes because a lot of times when he wants to hold her, she cries for me. She's my baby right now. She'll be daddy's little girl soon enough, so I'm enjoying being able to nurture her completely. She still needs to sleep with me, but the studies I've looked at indicate that this is not a problem and can actually be good for her right now. They say it helps the mom be better in-tune with her baby's needs and also helps the baby regulate her breathing as to dispel the chances of SIDS. Pretty neat.

 

[sgrimsley]

You should read up on Eric Erikson's theory of human development. He is fascinating. Basically, he theorizes that humans go through 8 stages in their [social-emotional] development where two basic qualities are being formed, shaped and ultimately developed. His view was that a psychological crises occurs at each stage which must be worked out and resolved. Depending on what occurs in each stage, one either is successful in that stage or unsuccessful, thus either taking the positive aspect of that stage on to the next or the negative aspect. Therefore, if one is successful, s/he is better armed to successfully complete the next stage of development. If not, s/he is more likely to struggle through the following stage(s).


For example, the first stage of development is the first year of life and the qualities that the developing human is working out is Trust vs Mistrust. So, if the infant is able to trust his 'world', which basically is his/her parents, then s/he will gain the basic human quality of trust that the world is a good place. The opposite is also true. If an infant within the first year has a need (and like gracepaints said, at this point wants and needs are the same) and these needs are ignored, then the infant will feel a sense of mistrust and this will carry over into his view of the "world" (again because his/her parents reflect the world to him/her).

Crying it out in the first year is VERY detrimental to a developing human's psychological makeup. CIO in the typical sense in the second year is not something I would personally advocate, but it would certainly not be as detrimental to a person's development.

YES! This is exactly what I've read about. The way a baby learns to trust is through her parents rapid responses to her needs. I've been getting much better at figuring out what she wants before she resorts to crying. The only thing that makes her cry really bad right now is when I wash her hair. She really hates that. The one I had trouble figuring out was that she would get very fussy after feedings and would have really bad reflux. So I cut milk out of my diet and voila! She's all better. Cheese doesn't bother her, but cow's milk in my breast milk just wasn't working for her.

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

I am not 100% to some forms of CIO but IMO 6 weeks old is way too young especially if breastfeeding. I just did a version of CIO about a month ago with my son who was 18 months old. I knew he could sleep through the night but just needed a little encouragement (he was being transitioned from cosleeping to his own bed). I stayed with him the whole time until he was asleep but he still cried some.

Six weeks old IMO is just too young to try these methods on. It's one thing if they choose to sleep through the night on their own but another not to tend to their needs because an adult wants/thinks baby should sleep through or go longer between having their needs met.

 

[gracepaints]

LOL He's already apologized and said that I would know better than he, it's just that he gets frustrated sometimes because a lot of times when he wants to hold her, she cries for me. She's my baby right now. She'll be daddy's little girl soon enough, so I'm enjoying being able to nurture her completely. She still needs to sleep with me, but the studies I've looked at indicate that this is not a problem and can actually be good for her right now. They say it helps the mom be better in-tune with her baby's needs and also helps the baby regulate her breathing as to dispel the chances of SIDS. Pretty neat.

That's why we co-sleep too!

Anyway, tell your hubby that many babies have a preference for mommy at this age because mommy has the "nummies" but very soon, your kiddo will take a strong liking for daddy too. I was jealous because my DH got smiles and laughs out of son before I did. I think it was because he was used to me being there all day, but was delighted with the fact that DH would go away and come back. ("Hey, it's that funny guy again!" )

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

That's why we co-sleep too!

Anyway, tell your hubby that many babies have a preference for mommy at this age because mommy has the "nummies" but very soon, your kiddo will take a strong liking for daddy too. I was jealous because my DH got smiles and laughs out of son before I did. I think it was because he was used to me being there all day, but was delighted with the fact that DH would go away and come back. ("Hey, it's that funny guy again!" )

Yeah daddies always have that special bond with their kids. Both of my kids were glued to me for the first 6 months mostly because of nursing but they both ended up for lack of a better term "worshipping" the ground Daddy walked on. They just love Daddy to pieces. I was worried that our son wouldn't have the same bond with Daddy that my daughter does because Hubby has worked away from home Liam's whole life so on average only sees our son 5-7 days a month. But once Daddy hits that front door it's as if I don't exist and only Daddy does! Daddies just have to bide their time in the early months.

 

[~Nikki~]

I guess I'm generalising a bit here, but I think that often men can get frustrated (definitely this applies to my hubby) because they like to be able to fix the problem, and when they can't it gets to them a bit.

 

[Meshavrischika]

I guess I'm generalising a bit here, but I think that often men can get frustrated (definitely this applies to my hubby) because they like to be able to fix the problem, and when they can't it gets to them a bit.

baby crying lacks that whole "instant gratification" fix... you can't change the butt or feed the mouth and correct the problem (it's kinda like when women cry now that I think of it )

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I assume the ferber method means crying it out or allowing your baby to self sooth.... the only reason I know that is because i remember the term being used in "meet the parents"

Yep, I've used it, and it works.... you use it with judgement though....

parenting is really a trial and error thing... you try different methods... and you finally find out what works for you and the baby.

You know, you hear all kinds of bad stuff about spanking, crying it out and so forth.... but as barbaric as mothers accuse those things of being, they work, and well, I- a brave one, disagree they aren't barbaric....

But I use judgement. I personally don't resort to spanking as the only method of punishment, but I do use it when I feel it's most appropriate from time to time, and contrary to popular belief, sometimes a rebellious toddler just needs a good pop on the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to bring them to their senses.

We start to use the "ferber" method at about 2 months, but not full blown till 4 months when we really know what our baby needs and want at that time.... sometimes they just need to cry it out--- once again, contrary to popular belief.

But when you use the cio method, it doesn't last forever... it's really a training method, and has proven quite effective for us. If it wasn't effective and seemed to upset the child more, then trial and error would've taught us to try something else.

It worked beautifully with our last baby... she was sleeping through the night by oh I don't remember, 4-5 months... it's the starting the method that's tough... and it's usually my husband that initiates it when I'm at work... which was about 3 months with my last baby.... but it only took a week or two, give or take..... and ever since then all you'd have to do is read her cue that she is tired, put her in bed... no fuss or cry... sleeping soundly like a baby.... walla! Is it worth it? I think so ....

I think you have to get to the point of preferring sanity and then you start to say "maybe it isn't so unloving...." and you start to mentally process through it.... you realize that a momentary discomfort won't scar them, they aren't being harmed, just basically having a tempter tantrum assuming your intune with what your child needs and why they are crying...

And if you can't deal with temper tantrums in children with a hard hand..... then you've got a lot of trouble ahead.... because sometimes kids just don't like "no" and you have to learn not to give in if you don't want to create a monster.

Hope this helps someone.

HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

That's why we co-sleep too!

Anyway, tell your hubby that many babies have a preference for mommy at this age because mommy has the "nummies" but very soon, your kiddo will take a strong liking for daddy too. I was jealous because my DH got smiles and laughs out of son before I did. I think it was because he was used to me being there all day, but was delighted with the fact that DH would go away and come back. ("Hey, it's that funny guy again!" )

Mommies have the "nummies" that's cute

 

[gracepaints]

Mommies have the "nummies" that's cute

Actually, in our house, they are "nummy loves". It's silly.

 

[K9_Trainer]

6 weeks seems pretty young to be using CIO.

At that age, they cry because they truely need something. I wouldn't use CIO unless the kid is older and is crying because he/she is not getting what he wants. Like if a kid wants a piece of candy and you say no, I think it's perfectly acceptable to just let the kid CIO. Just so they know that throwing a fit doesn't do any good, you said no and crying isn't going to make you change your mind.