feeling sad

[isleof]

Uh oh, I since border crossing.

 

[kitty1]

I don't think anyone can really give even one sided advice at the time due to the lack of information and the vague wording used. When you say aggressive it could mean so many different things from physical assault to him just saying how he feels and you not liking his thoughts. So it makes it very hard to say anything in regards to that. Also a bit where I was very confused was when you approached him about something he did to hurt your feelings, I think this is key in understanding his response to you. Without it one could say anything from emotional and mental abuse or simple an issue he believed you were wrong and he told you his feelings and it upset you so he doesn't want to talk about it again.

There is a wide range of advice that could be given here due to the lack of information no one can really help you with your situation.


I am not saying he was right or that you were right I am simple saying it's hard to advise on such a vague topic.[/qu




so tense

 

[kitty1]

Uh oh, I since border crossing.

whats this?

 

[kitty1]

AL, I was addressing this OP and her perceived safety, and she was looking for support, not for answers about why he might be acting that way towards her. If you have something against the way I respond and post to an OP, then address me....don't take it out on an OP who is obviously hurting.

??Perceived Safety?
might be acting ??

 

[Avniel]

so tense

Tense huh? I am utterly lost?

 

[seeingeyes]

I'd say the same thing about telling a woman to call the police on her husband because she said she feels sad because of her husband and won't say why. Its a knee jerk hostility towards a guy you don't know who may or may not have done something worthy of her feeling sad. Everyone is an authority about a situation after they have heard one side of an argument... until they hear the other side of the argument.

In our rush to share sympathy tears maybe we should seek to understand the specifics prior to offering judgement either way. All I did was make a guess the OP neither confirmed or denied. Actually, she lashed out at me instead.

I believe the phrase in question was, "he became aggressive and handled me wrongly". The OP was very vague of course, and this could mean anything from, "he rolled his eyes at me" to "he punched me in the face".

Within the framework of compassion, I'd say that it is better to say, "call the police if he hit you" to a woman whose husband rolled his eyes, than to say, "quit sitting around thinking up things to complain about" to a woman that was punched in the face.

Wouldn't you?

I'd would much rather be corrected on the former than the latter, myself.

 

[Avniel]

I believe the phrase in question was, "he became aggressive and handled me wrongly". The OP was very vague of course, and this could mean anything from, "he rolled his eyes at me" to "he punched me in the face".

Within the framework of compassion, I'd say that it is better to say, "call the police if he hit you" to a woman whose husband rolled his eyes, than to say, "quit sitting around thinking up things to complain about" to a woman that was punched in the face.

Wouldn't you?

I'd would much rather be corrected on the former than the latter, myself.

Either way the assumption has a way of being incorrect causing damage.

Let's say husband rolls eyes and she does call the police because she views that as aggression and explains it to the police in a similar way and it ends in his arrest for rolling eyes. That still will result in considerable damage not just to said person but also the marriage.

The best thing to do is not offer advice on topics that are certainly not explained especially with such polar opposites that are possible.

In my opinion both are equally wrong.

 

[seeingeyes]

Either way the assumption has a way of being incorrect causing damage.

Let's say husband rolls eyes and she does call the police because she views that as aggression and explains it to the police in a similar way and it ends in his arrest for rolling eyes. That still will result in considerable damage not just to said person but also the marriage.

The best thing to do is not offer advice on topics that are certainly not explained especially with such polar opposites that are possible.

In my opinion both are equally wrong.

No one said "call the police", they said "call the police if he hit you". Surely an important distinction...

 

[Avniel]

No one said "call the police", they said "call the police if he hit you". Surely an important distinction...

Yet and still to a man that's never called his wife out of her name or laid a finger on her the assumption the advice particularly when the spouse doesn't exactly totally refute it adds to damage of the marriage, a loss of believability for physically abused women and tension in a marriage.

 

[seeingeyes]

Yet and still to a man that's never called his wife out of her name or laid a finger on her the assumption the advice particularly when the spouse doesn't exactly totally refute it adds to damage of the marriage, a loss of believability for physically abused women and tension in a marriage.

If your wife said, "Help!!" Wouldn't you want the people around her to err by calling an ambulance instead of assuming that she was just yelling for no reason and telling her to quiet down?

 

[ValleyGal]

??Perceived Safety?
might be acting ??

I said "perceived safety" because the OP was vague. I don't know how unsafe you feel, so that is a subjective (perceived) dynamic. And I said "might be acting" for the same reason....we don't have any idea of how he IS acting to you. If you ask really vague questions, you're going to get really vague answers - or you're going to get a lot of people reading things into it that are not there.

Iow, I could assume on your first post that he slapped you on the arm one time and it did not even leave a mark. If you think that is a safety issue, then it is perceived, where I might think it rude, but not a safety issue. And yeah, he might be doing that or he might have beaten you silly.

I was trying to show compassion in what might not be a safe situation, and defend you against AL's comments. But if you want to fuss about that, I can certainly take my leave.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yet and still to a man that's never called his wife out of her name or laid a finger on her the assumption the advice particularly when the spouse doesn't exactly totally refute it adds to damage of the marriage, a loss of believability for physically abused women and tension in a marriage.

I think you're making an assumption that he has never done this before.

I'm a little confused. You are studying to be a lawyer. Yet you don't think police should be called when a woman has been physically violated and assaulted by her husband? Do you think calling police is more damaging than the original assault, or not calling the police which will set a precedent that it's okay for him to hit her and she won't call? Where does a woman draw the line and finally make that call?

Would you say the same thing if it were a parent hitting a child? Or a child hitting a parent? Or a friend hitting a friend, or a stranger hitting a stranger? Hitting and mishandling are assaults. Period. Against the law. In fact, where I live, if you even touch someone against their will, it is considered an assault and is grounds for arrest.

 

[Avniel]

If your wife said, "Help!!" Wouldn't you want the people around her to err by calling an ambulance instead of assuming that she was just yelling for no reason and telling her to quiet down?

I have actually had an argument with my wife she got mad, probably hormonal, she slept in the car because I rudely changed the channel. I fell asleep woke up to people talking about who could do what to me. When my wife and had argument she went to a hotel her mother then called me her brother called me. Two people that actually have spent a lot of time with me and I love like my blood, her brother laughed and thought it was funny, her mother told me if she does something as dangerous and crazy as sleeping in the car to call her. However the people that know my wife as distant cousins and met me a few times automatically thought I hit her. Her response was not a strong enough denial and what that lead to was threats.

Am I still angry about this and my wife's lackadaisical response of course, I know what they feel about men. Did that lead to several arguments if course. It changed my entire perspective on women in supposed abusive situations.

The accusation or the suggestion that a man is abusing his spouse is a very serious and the situation should be viewed and examined by people that know the details before coming to that conclusion.

It's damaging to both parties.

 

[Avniel]

I think you're making an assumption that he has never done this before.

I'm a little confused. You are studying to be a lawyer. Yet you don't think police should be called when a woman has been physically violated and assaulted by her husband? Do you think calling police is more damaging than the original assault, or not calling the police which will set a precedent that it's okay for him to hit her and she won't call? Where does a woman draw the line and finally make that call?

Would you say the same thing if it were a parent hitting a child? Or a child hitting a parent? Or a friend hitting a friend, or a stranger hitting a stranger? Hitting and mishandling are assaults. Period. Against the law. In fact, where I live, if you even touch someone against their will, it is considered an assault and is grounds for arrest.

Maybe I wrote that poorly add me to revise my statement.

What I am saying is that let's say it isn't abuse. Let's say she calls the police because she believes that "rolling eyes," for example is seen as aggressive and the police arrive. They tell him he can either leave or be charged with domestic violence due to the fact there was no noticeable damage. He refuses as he should and is arrested for domestic disturbance or other related crimes. That man is now in a situation that rolling his eyes doesn't deserve.

I am a firm believer in if you get hit call the police. If my wife hit's me she is going to jail, man or woman, friend or foe people should not go around hitting each other let's be clear on that. However the accusation of a possibility of physical assault is very serious particularly when it is a husband harming a wife. The reason being if the accusation is false it doesn't just disappear it changes one's out look on certain situations.

Also I am not making an assumption I am simple saying that more information is needed in order to give any sort of advice due to the extreme differences are possible using hypothetical situations to demonstrate those possibilities.

 

[QueSeraSera]

I have not been injured physically only emotionally.

I think she cleared up the question of physical abuse on post #12 .

 

[ValleyGal]

Maybe I wrote that poorly add me to revise my statement.

What I am saying is that let's say it isn't abuse. Let's say she calls the police because she believes that "rolling eyes," for example is seen as aggressive and the police arrive. They tell him he can either leave or be charged with domestic violence due to the fact there was no noticeable damage. He refuses as he should and is arrested for domestic disturbance or other related crimes. That man is now in a situation that rolling his eyes doesn't deserve.

I am a firm believer in if you get hit call the police. If my wife hit's me she is going to jail, man or woman, friend or foe people should not go around hitting each other let's be clear on that. However the accusation of a possibility of physical assault is very serious particularly when it is a husband harming a wife. The reason being if the accusation is false it doesn't just disappear it changes one's out look on certain situations.

Also I am not making an assumption I am simple saying that more information is needed in order to give any sort of advice due to the extreme differences are possible using hypothetical situations to demonstrate those possibilities.

Thanks for clarifying. I might have misread what you said. This is one subject I get defensive about really easily due to my own history with being assaulted by an ex. Sometimes this leads me to read into things...my apologies.

 

[ValleyGal]

I think she cleared up the question of physical abuse on post #12 .

Yes, she did....where I got confused is where she said this in her OP:

he has no remorse for his actions he became aggressive and handled me wrongly. though he made reason in his own mind, of his frustration that turned aggressive.

I take "handling" literally because of my own previous situation. So I expressed concern about her safety....that's all.

 

[seeingeyes]

Am I still angry about this and my wife's lackadaisical response of course, I know what they feel about men. Did that lead to several arguments if course. It changed my entire perspective on women in supposed abusive situations.

Oh, I don't deny that there's plenty false in this world, Lord help us.

I guess I look at it the same way as when a new person pops in and says life sucks and they want to die. I'll always post a suicide hotline first, and the rest of my questions/advice second.

Sometimes it's just some guy who broke a nail, but I'd rather look like an dramatic idiot then giggle some poor soul off a bridge.

I remember you telling that story when it happened. I hope you and your wife are doing well, now. God bless!

 

[Avniel]

Thanks for clarifying. I might have misread what you said. This is one subject I get defensive about really easily due to my own history with being assaulted by an ex. Sometimes this leads me to read into things...my apologies.

See and I'm defensive because I've been accused of doing something I've never in my life would do to my wife over a petty argument. Lead to strife a week of arguments behind another person's past which affected her perception of men in general. I'm not saying you do but I think a bit of caution because that hurt me.

 

[kitty1]

I have now experience for the first time of using a forum that it is not for me very disappointed in comments

No one should have to defend themselves on a christian site. All I said is that I am hurting some of you perceived that I could be the problem though I will forgive you. all i needed was someone to show they care not counsell me of who is right and wrong in the relationship. Remember God forgives and works with the people that need his blessings most.

I havnt bothered even reading the responses as most of you have read into what I felt very wrongly. This is a CHRISTIAN SITE is you have your own insecurities write up you own post for help as I am not able at this present time to listen read and comment

Why do some of you want to feed my mind with your opinions when I have enough to deal with. Sometimes man should only focus on the other person for a change and not be selfish to only listen to themselves.