I just feel the need to vent and maybe someone will say something that will help, or at least pray for me. I'm 39, was raised in a Christian home (albeit with an emotionally abusive pastor father) and have always attended church, but never had a relationship with Christ. In the last several months I've been trying to get right because I've been terrified of going to hell. I believe the Bible is true. I believe Christ must be a wonderful Savior because I see other Christians being so in love with Him and living in joy. Every day I struggle with believing Christ died for me and with resting in Him. But the truth is, there are so many things standing in my way.
Probably my biggest problem is not being able to fully submit to God. I try to accept the way He does things but it is SO hard for me. My logical brain fights against a reality that looks SO illogical and awful. I can't stand all the punishment/judgment/hell for people who were born sinners with no choice of their own. And the fact that God made man such that all his descendants would be born corrupted. And the fact that He allows Satan to deceive and blind mankind and then holds man responsible. And the fact that He demands total perfection and anything less than that is sin. And on top of that I cannot feel sorry for my sins. And I feel mad at God for His rules about sexuality. For making us sexual beings and then putting so many limits on it. Pretty much EVERY Christian man has to struggle with this (I'm a female and I know a lot of females struggle too). It just seems cruel to me.
I feel like I am playing Whack-a-Mole. As soon as I think I've got a handle on one issue, another one crops up and drives me mad. And then when I think I've got that one sorted out, another one crops up, and then the first one again and on and on it goes. It never ends. If it were not for hell, I would probably throw in the towel and give up. I would go out and have lesbian sex (the one thing I have always wanted my whole life but have not done out of fear - And yes, I am trying to trust God about that too).
I have been in tears so many times over the last three months, pleading with God to help me, to give me a new heart, to have mercy on me (even though, to be honest, the concept of mercy offends me because I have this mindset that since God allowed us to get into this mess in the first place that He somehow owes it to us to get us out of it).
I keep TRYING to change my thinking, tell myself the truth, etc etc etc. But I am tired. All my efforts over the last three months have pretty much amounted to nothing. I suppose someone will tell me that all I have to do is rest in Christ because God is the only one who can change me. I wish I could just trust Him to sort these things out for me. But it is hard to rest in Christ when all my thoughts and feelings make me afraid that I am not saved.
What's more is that I have no interest in living forever. I would be fine just going out of existence. But that is not an option I can bank on. It bugs me that I have to choose between God/eternal life and Satan/hell. It feels like a nightmare with no way out. I know that God can help me if He wishes to. I just don't know what He expects me to do...
I wish I could see Him and see Christ the way so many Christians do. I wish I could see myself as a hell-deserving sinner the way they do. I wish I was not me. I've tried to humble myself and to trust God about the multitude of things that bug me about Him/reality, but I'm tired. I worry that He may not want to save me. I worry that He does not listen to my prayers and my tears because He only listens to the humble and He only listens to those who are in Christ, and I just don't know if I am.
For a short while back in October I felt like I loved God and loved Jesus and wanted a relationship with them and wanted to follow Christ and I was grateful because I was headed down the wrong path and He scared me out of my wits and did not let me go down that path. Basically gave me another chance. But then ALL these ISSUES started up and they just don't stop.
It is EXTREMELY frustrating when you KNOW that there is only one way to escape hell and you just can't seem to get with the program.
I KNOW that I need to submit to God as God and not judge Him, but this has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me throughout my ENTIRE life. There are things (especially the whole "deck was stacked against people from the beginning and now they are condemned for not doing what they are unable to do" thing) that I just can't get past no matter how I try.
And on top of all this, I believe God has told me -through a book and through people - to STOP obsessing about all this, STOP reading internet articles, posting on forums, debating with myself, etc and just PRAY, but I just keep doing these things. Ugh. Every day I tell myself I'm not going to do this and here I am obsessing on it all again. *sigh*
I'm gonna go pray again... and I expect to end up in tears of frustration again. *sigh*
P.S. You will tell me to meditate on Christ. I've tried that. You will tell me to read the Word more. I've tried that, but will keep trying...
Well.... that, darling is a ton of stuff. I love the fact you want to think though thing, and struggling with faith is not only ok, but I wish more people would be honest about it like you. That is a good thing you are doing, and is a credit to your character.
So first I want to say that there is a lot of crazy christian stuff taught across the world, that I find insane. Some of what I am going to say, may contradict what you have been told elsewhere, and I'm going to say up front that I speak only for myself, and my faith. Good enough?
1. No choice. G-d did not create us without choice. The reason G-d says we are all sinners and fallen, is not because he created us as failed and doomed, but simply because we have made the choice. Everyone knows lying is wrong. Yet we all lie. We all know right from wrong, and still choose wrong. G-d didn't do that. Humans did that.
2. Satan. Satan does not have the power to force people to do anything. People choose to follow the path of evil, on their own. Where you see evil spirits being able to deceive someone, it's usually someone who is already evil on their own.
For example Ahab in Kings chapter 22, was deceived by an evil spirit. But G-d specifically allowed that because Ahab was already doing many evil things. Even then, G-d sent Micaiah who warned Ahab, and Ahab ignored the words of G-d. It was choice to be deceived by spirits. Not G-d.
3. Sexuality. Yes, it's true that G-d created us as sexual beings, and he gave us a way to fulfill that sexuality in marriage. The rules on sex, are for our benefit. People who violate the rules, destroy themselves, not G-d. G-d is not destroying them. They are.
Most of the rules G-d has put in place, are guard rails along a cliff. Yeah, you can intentionally drive through those guard rails.... but you are going to fall and get hurt.
Think about it another way.... if everyone in the world today were to follow the rules G-d places on sex, STDs would cease to exist in a generation. You realize that? No herpes, no HIV, no Gonorrhea, no STDS at all.
Now you want to have sex, join the club. I'm a single man, I know the feeling. Get married. That's G-d's answer. Get married and have hot loving pleasure. Song of Solomon is not a book on gardening.
4. Lesbian. So you already know the teaching on this, and you know what G-d expects, don't you? Find a husband, and get married, and have sex with him.
As for the feelings.... we all have wrong feelings. All of us. I'm no different than you. We all have to choose to do what is right, over what we feel. I've felt lust for someone I'm not married to, and simply refused to accept it. I've felt hatred for people who have done me wrong, and I simply refused to accept it. I've felt murderous rage at someone doing what is evil, and refused to accept it.
I have those feelings, but those feelings do not control me. Morality controls me. Right and wrong controls me.
There is a man right now, that abuses his wife. Without going into all the details, I have had the highest levels of wrong feelings about what I would like to do to this man. But..... those are feelings. That's all they are. I choose to do what is right. Period.
5. I identify with you. Ironically most of what you said (obviously excluding the lesbian comment.. I'm all man, and I want all woman.), I have said myself in the past.
I couldn't help but smile, even if sadly, because it's like you wrote my own blog post for me. So much of what you said, I have said, almost word for word.
There are only two things I can think of off hand, that possibly might be of help.
First, the most common reason people find themselves in a constant frustrated struggle, is typically because they are refusing to let go of something. Now I don't know if that something was in this post, of if it was something you didn't talk about, but usually the reason people find themselves stuck, is because there is some weight, some boat anchor that they refuse to let go of. G-d wants to pull them up, but as long as they keep holding onto that weight, they will never move forward, or backward.
At some point, you'll have to pick one or the other.
Second, people often forget that sometimes it's the situation they are living in, that holds them down.
I have severe allergies. When I was young, I would get shots, and these powerful shots would allow me to go a month or two problem free. But then over time, I would end up worse and worse, until I was sneezing snotty, blood shot eyed wreck.
Then the obvious answer came. Get rid of all the dust, and clean the house better, and my room better, and get rid of the allergens. I haven't had a shot in over a decade or more.
Maybe the reason you can't get forward, is because you live in a toxic situation. Maybe you need to take radical steps to change your situation, so that you can move beyond where you are.
That's my thoughts. I wish you the best.
