Feel Guilty and Squirrelly

[madison1101]

I have 70 days since my last drink, and I cherish that very much. One glass of wine made me drunk, due to my gastric bypass surgery two years ago. Every night was a blackout when I drank, because I would consume a whole bottle no matter what. I am in Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP), have a terrific sponsor, and go to at least 3 meetings a week. I am working the steps and am currently on the 4th step.

I had some serious surgery a month ago, and was on pain meds for a while due to some minor complications post-op. I did not abuse those meds, and was honest with my sponsor about them.

On Thursday I had to have emergency dental work. I get nitrous oxide at the dentist, because I am phobic about the needles and dentists in general. Well, when I got home, I felt awful. I then went to my IOP, and was late because of back-to-back doctor's appointments. I am fairly new to this particular group and this particular therapist, and it was fairly large on Thursday. I was uncomfortable sharing that I had the dental work and had nitrous oxide in front of the group. (Had it been smaller, I probably would have.) I have felt awful about the nitrous oxide since then, and have had urges to drink and do pain meds ever since.

I called my individual therapist about it on Thursday night, and he suggested I call the group therapist and leave him a voicemail about it. I did write on my daily sheet at group about the nitrous oxide, which I believe he reads. I have not called the group therapist since then, but know that I need to tell him. I just feel guilty, and stupid for where I am at right now.

I did make a Beginners' meeting tonight, and it was good. I shared about the surgery, but not about the nitrous oxide because the group conscience suggests that we keep our discussion to just about alcohol, and nitrous oxide is not alcohol.

I have not told my AA sponsor about the nitrous oxide, because I am afraid she will tell me not to get it next time I have dental work, and I am seriously phobic about dental work.

I just need to share what is going on in my alcoholic head right now.

Thanks,
trish

 

[Bellicus]

Why are you so worried about this nitrous oxide? You say that you have a phobia against dentists, so thats why you are using it. But is your problem that you feel that you are just using it to get high? Cause that would make no sense since you already told about your phobia.

Sorry if I don't understand. Said a prayer for you to be at peace in this. God bless you.

 

[BlessEwe]

I used to get that too, and it sure does a number on you for sure. It got the neurons jumping in your head and as addicts we want more when that happens. Drink tons of water and take a soothing bath.. remember what you do on difficult days.

I did stop using the nitrous oxide, and found it was ok for me. But I can understand that it can be a real phobia for some.

 

[madison1101]

Why are you so worried about this nitrous oxide? You say that you have a phobia against dentists, so thats why you are using it. But is your problem that you feel that you are just using it to get high? Cause that would make no sense since you already told about your phobia.

Sorry if I don't understand. Said a prayer for you to be at peace in this. God bless you.

I have been in AA for almost 20 years, and am on very shaky ground with my recovery, because I had a horrific year of relapse. Having just come off a month or so of painkillers, I do not have very good footing right now. The nitrous oxide made me high, and I felt guilty about it because of that.

I don't know where you are in your recovery.

Trish

 

[Bellicus]

I have been in AA for almost 20 years, and am on very shaky ground with my recovery, because I had a horrific year of relapse. Having just come off a month or so of painkillers, I do not have very good footing right now. The nitrous oxide made me high, and I felt guilty about it because of that.

Ok, so you are thinking that you should not use nitrous oxide then? Could you do without it?

I don't know where you are in your recovery.

Nowhere really.

 

[madison1101]

Ok, so you are thinking that you should not use nitrous oxide then? Could you do without it?


Nowhere really.

I appreciate your help in working through this. I am not sure about this because I have had major surgeries, and been on major pain killers, which also made me high, but did not relapse because of them. They just made me goofy, like the nitrous oxide. The difference is, when I had the surgeries where I had the pain pumps I was stronger in my recovery going into the surgery and totally up front with my sponsors at that time.

I have been told by my therapist and sponsor that as long as I am using my pain meds under medical supervision, and not abusing them, there should be no problem, just to keep working my AA program, and my steps. So, I know logically that I am in good standing as far as my program goes. I just hate that I got high on the nitrous oxide at this point in my recovery, even though it was for medical reasons.

I am sorry to hear that you are not doing well in your recovery program. I hope you will consider attending some AA meetings and start working the program, especially the 12 Steps. It is really a good program, and would really help you get sober and find some emotional peace for yourself. Have you been to the AA website? You can learn about the history of the program and how the program works there. You can also read the AA Big Book online there. It really helps. www.aa.org

Thanks again,
Trish

 

[BlessEwe]

You have been doing so well, and yes relapse is a scary reality for us. I feel Madison perhaps you are feeling this way because you are not being 100% honest with your sponsor. This can bring us down!
I would talk to her, maybe she can come up with a solution for the next time you go. I am proud of you for being honest with yourself.

 

[madison1101]

You have been doing so well, and yes relapse is a scary reality for us. I feel Madison perhaps you are feeling this way because you are not being 100% honest with your sponsor. This can bring us down!
I would talk to her, maybe she can come up with a solution for the next time you go. I am proud of you for being honest with yourself.

You are probably right. I will tell her next time I talk to her. I want to talk to my group therapist first, because I need his input first. I guess I still have a fear of sponsors that dates back to when I first got sober 20 years ago, and she dropped me because I saw a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants. She warned me if I went on meds, she would drop me.

 

[BlessEwe]

You are probably right. I will tell her next time I talk to her. I want to talk to my group therapist first, because I need his input first. I guess I still have a fear of sponsors that dates back to when I first got sober 20 years ago, and she dropped me because I saw a psychiatrist and went on antidepressants. She warned me if I went on meds, she would drop me.

This was your sponsor at the times issue, many in recovery seek a professional intervention and need medication. This is very well known in the recovery field that depression ect. may set in after recovery so they are referred out for this reason to a profession that deals with it. No one sponsor can evaluate if someone needs meds or not, unless they hold a degree for it.

 

[madison1101]

This was your sponsor at the times issue, many in recovery seek a professional intervention and need medication. This is very well known in the recovery field that depression ect. may set in after recovery so they are referred out for this reason to a profession that deals with it. No one sponsor can evaluate if someone needs meds or not, unless they hold a degree for it.

I totally understand and agree. There was a man that graduated from group that had a total breakdown, with psychotic episodes, because people in AA told him not to take the medications he was prescribed by his psychiatrist. He was totally paranoid and out of control for weeks. It totally scarred him.

Since that first sponsor, I have studied and now work part time in mental health, and always tell my patients in the hospital to never, ever, go off their meds without their psychiatrist's supervision.

My fear is that my sponsor will say something that scares me away from her for being honest about the nitrous oxide. I must speak with my treatment therapist first because he is the professional in this case. He can guide me in determining if I made the best decision concerning that.

When I had gastric bypass surgery, I had a Demerol drip for three days, and my sons told me I was totally stoned when they spoke with me, or saw me in the hospital. I was not drug seeking then, but totally needed it for the pain from the major surgery I had. My one son, who had a heroin addiction, was shocked by how I sounded on the phone, as he had never heard me that way.

Trish

 

[BobW188]

I think you are right to feel squirrelly, but don't need the guilt. The nitrous was professionally administered, after all, and part of a recognized pain management regimen.
Me, my teeth go in a cup at night. One of the happiest days of my life was when the dentist told me the real ones couldn't be saved.

 

[devonian]

Madison,

The instructions just before step 4 are:
"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (Pg. 63-64, AA)

Liquor (and nitrous oxide, drugs, etc) are just a symptom. But step 4 requires us to "launch out on a course of vigorous action". It does not say do a step a month, take your time, or easy does it. It requires immediate action. Action that may at times be difficult. But it requires immediate action.

"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." (Pg. 64, AA)

Resentment... not alcohol, drugs, or nitrous oxide... destroy more alcoholics. You are on step 4, which deals with this. Please re-double your efforts on completing your fourth step. Place straightening out spiritually ahead of straightening out mentally and physically. Too many people try to place straightening out mentally and physically ahead of straightening out spiritually. It works much better if you work on the spiritual aspect first.

I am embarassed to say that I was not always sober when I worked on my 4th step. I tried to remain sober but was not able to. But I was told it was more important to complete the steps, so I continued to work them. I was promised that if I did the steps, I would straighten out mentally and physically. I did them thoroughly and honestly, and it worked.

"the promises" (Pg 83-84, AA) that are often read at meetings are really the "9th step promises". The peace that is promised come after you are half way through the 9th step, not halfway through the 4th step.

 

[madison1101]

Madison,

The instructions just before step 4 are:
"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (Pg. 63-64, AA)

Liquor (and nitrous oxide, drugs, etc) are just a symptom. But step 4 requires us to "launch out on a course of vigorous action". It does not say do a step a month, take your time, or easy does it. It requires immediate action. Action that may at times be difficult. But it requires immediate action.

"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." (Pg. 64, AA)

Resentment... not alcohol, drugs, or nitrous oxide... destroy more alcoholics. You are on step 4, which deals with this. Please re-double your efforts on completing your fourth step. Place straightening out spiritually ahead of straightening out mentally and physically. Too many people try to place straightening out mentally and physically ahead of straightening out spiritually. It works much better if you work on the spiritual aspect first.

I am embarassed to say that I was not always sober when I worked on my 4th step. I tried to remain sober but was not able to. But I was told it was more important to complete the steps, so I continued to work them. I was promised that if I did the steps, I would straighten out mentally and physically. I did them thoroughly and honestly, and it worked.

"the promises" (Pg 83-84, AA) that are often read at meetings are really the "9th step promises". The peace that is promised come after you are half way through the 9th step, not halfway through the 4th step.

I just got done the weirdest weekend in a long time. I am facing a week of crazy business at work, with few breaks. Then, I have my treatment program in the evenings from 6:00 to 8:30, 3 to 4 nights a week. That is mandatory for me. I must attend it. It will only be a few more weeks, and then I can go to once a week groups. I appreciate your encouragement to focus on that step.

Thanks,
trish