Family problem, need advice!

[Vicissa]

Oh my gosh I am so frustrated right now, I can barely see straight.

Can someone help me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Heres the lowdown. I have three kids. Oldest is with someone else, others are with my husband.

My oldest's child's father is basically, a deadbeat. I won't lie. He hasn't seen her in 2 years, because I took away his visitation because he is a drug addict. He's been addicted to crack, cocaine, weed, alcohol, prescription drugs...everything. A year ago he even overdosed and ended up in intensive care, two days after being released from jail. Not very much a winner. Has been in and out of our daughters life.

Recently he ended up back in jail. He stayed for 30 days, and when he got out he went to stay with his parents in another town. He is trying to clean up his act, and getting out of the city is a part of it.

It's been on my heart the last few days to reach out and show him some encouragement. I was just thinking a card, and maybe letting him talk to our daughter. Not meet with her, of course, not yet.

Problem is: my husband. He has been with me since my daughter was 9 months old. She calls him dad. He loves her dearly. And he doesn't support it at all. I just tried discussing it with him, and he shot it down without a doubt. Said he is a waste of space, that he is always going to be a coke-head, and it will be over his dead body that he will ever see her again. He said he has to prove to him that he has changed. But he refuses to talk to him or anything, so I don't know how he will know if he's changed or not.

I told him that wasn't a good attitude, that if his father were to quit drinking that he would offer his support. He screamed at me for bringing his father into it. He said if I wanted to, I could do whatever. I said no, that I wouldn't do it without his support, because I don't want to deal with relationship repercussions. He said there will be done, do whatever I want. I told him no, I wouldn't do it without his okay, I'd just be a spiteful and hateful person just like him. (Youch)

He left for bowling now, so here I sit with all my thoughts. I really want to find balance here. Between doing what I feel I should do (as in reaching out to someone struggling) and submitting as a wife. I love my husband, he really is a great guy. He is so devoted to our family, and so protective. But he can get so angry when he feels his family is threatened. I just don't know what to do.

Any advice????

 

[miyako_1984]

Hey. I know I'm not wise enough to give you any proper advice and I realise this may sound flippant but. Encouraging your eldest daughter's dad should not be seen as threatening your family. He is after all her dad and its important for for them both that he has some way of keeping a relationship with her. Although his concerns are may be understandable, I don't think your husband can veto her seeing him and I don't think you are obliged to allow him to- that's not what submission is. Besides, as she calls your husband dad and lives a happy and secure life with you and him, there is little danger that her father poses any threat to her or the family unit. Instead, allowing their relationship in the careful way you hint at may well make life a lot easier for her as she grows older, for your husband who might otherwise be resented later if he tries to impose too much now and importantly, for her real father who, if he really is going to turn his life around needs to see, as well as what he has lost, what good he has to offer.

Anyhow, if all you are thinking of is sending a card- then totally do it. You're right, it is a loving and supportive thing to do and just what he needs- to feel people are behind him and care what happens. Your husband is probably also a bit concerned about your ex's feelings for you now and in the future- it's tough having ex-s around at the best of times. Far from being mean and spiteful, he probably holds his new family very close to his heart as you say. Perhaps reassure him he won't lose either you or your daughter over this, however it turns out. But, there was a lot before your husband, and a child from it- these are big things that have to be respected as well.

 

[cjhenson]

I think it is wonderful that you feel like be supportive, but I am not sure that if it were me I would do it without my husbands blessing. I know from personal experience that husbands and wives don't always see eye to eye, but you need to know which battles to fight and which ones to just let go. For me I analyze the situation and think about how much trouble it would cause with our family if I chose to fight the battle and argue it with my husband,if it is going to cause to much trouble i don't fight the battle. So really it is up to you to decide if you want to fight the battle or not. Keep in mind too that the ex is probably getting support from others around him and even though it would be nice to have your support, he may not need it right now. Thats just my opinion, I am not a counselor so I can't tell you exactly what to do...good luck to you! I will pray for you.

 

[Brother_Justin]

Hello dear sister,


I would first tell you that you and your husband need to sit down and pray about this together. It doesnt sound like there is enough Jesus in this situation. Sit down get your Bibles and and discuss the problem and pray for it. Then I would tell you to let the Lord touch and your husband and you two should make a collective decision together, and not in an angry rant! Remmember that the Lord will lead you and if you listen you will do the right thing. I feel bad for you sister. Calm down and take a breather everything is going to be 100% OK .

Your ex husband attempting to go clean is GREAT!! Perhaps it isnt the best idea to see him, BUT that doesnt mean you still cant support him by praying and praying alot! Im not to sure the answer to your question but I do know that God does and you should let him have it. God bless you sister.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Heavenly Father, speak Father. Heal these wounds! I pray that you will calm these minds and give peace that passes all understanding Father. We know that the answers arent in this world they are with you Father. Thank you Father for making those answers avialable to us through prayer. Keep us oh Lord! ~ Amen ~




Love brother ~Justin~

 

[Vicissa]

Hello dear sister,


I would first tell you that you and your husband need to sit down and pray about this together. It doesnt sound like there is enough Jesus in this situation. Sit down get your Bibles and and discuss the problem and pray for it. Then I would tell you to let the Lord touch and your husband and you two should make a collective decision together, and not in an angry rant! Remmember that the Lord will lead you and if you listen you will do the right thing. I feel bad for you sister. Calm down and take a breather everything is going to be 100% OK .

Your ex husband attempting to go clean is GREAT!! Perhaps it isnt the best idea to see him, BUT that doesnt mean you still cant support him by praying and praying alot! Im not to sure the answer to your question but I do know that God does and you should let him have it. God bless you sister.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Heavenly Father, speak Father. Heal these wounds! I pray that you will calm these minds and give peace that passes all understanding Father. We know that the answers arent in this world they are with you Father. Thank you Father for making those answers avialable to us through prayer. Keep us oh Lord! ~ Amen ~




Love brother ~Justin~

Thanks for the advice. I wish we could sit and pray together. My hubby believes in Jesus, but he's not the pray together, or the read the bible type. I am able to talk to him about scriptures and about things that I learned at church, but as far as getting him to physically and mentally interact, it isn't happening yet. It's something I pray about everyday, and I know that God will move in his heart on His time.
I also wanted to say that I have come to a dicision after a lot of prayer and thinking. I am going to hold of on introducing my daughter to the situation until there is some more time of being clean under his belt. My husband and I agreed that after he is clean for a few months, we will revisit the situation, talk with my ex ourselves, and then we'll move forward. Thank you for your prayers and advice everyone, it does mean a lot!

In addition my husband has no problem with me sending a card or letter of support, as long as we keep our daughter out of it until he's been sober and stable.

 

[Brother_Justin]

I do believe you have chosen wisely. Im glad that you and your husband where able to sit down and discuss this together. Im praying for your relationship and hope that eventualy you are both able to pray and read scripture together. Bless you both! God bless you all.





Love brother ~Justin~

 

[miyako_1984]

yeah definitely, good call. baby steps..

 

[AJ]

I caught this one late... But I just wanted to agree with the last few posters, that you did the right thing. You and your husband need to be in agreement on whatever happens. I honestly think that your husband is right about keeping your daughter out of it until he stabilizes and sobers up for a good long while. You have to protect her from being hurt (again) by the irresponsible acts of her biological father. You guys are all in my prayers... God Bless

 

[JVD]

If your husband is being a good father to your daughter I would leave the other one alone. So far he has proven himself to be a deadbeat just like you said. I would not communicate with him at all. Any encouraging card you send him has the potential to being misunderstood by him.

Let him live his life without his daughter. If he really wants his daughter back in his life let him prove it by straightening up so much that he actually impresses your husband. Until that point...LEAVE IT ALONE.

The fact that he is your daughter's biological father means nothing. So far he has only proven that his sperm is viable...nothing more. Let him prove himself to be a real man without anything from you. At that point you can reconsider.

 

[Vicissa]

If your husband is being a good father to your daughter I would leave the other one alone. So far he has proven himself to be a deadbeat just like you said. I would not communicate with him at all. Any encouraging card you send him has the potential to being misunderstood by him.

Let him live his life without his daughter. If he really wants his daughter back in his life let him prove it by straightening up so much that he actually impresses your husband. Until that point...LEAVE IT ALONE.

The fact that he is your daughter's biological father means nothing. So far he has only proven that his sperm is viable...nothing more. Let him prove himself to be a real man without anything from you. At that point you can reconsider.

While I respect you opinion, I have to disagree. My husband is a good father to my daughter, but she also knows that she has another dad. Maybe he has proven himself to be a deadbeat, but the fact of the matter is he still has a right (as does she) to know her, if he poses no threat to her. Maybe I shouldn't even consider him a deadbeat, just an addict. They tend to only think of themselves.
My being supportive won't be misunderstood. Believe it or not, or relationship (that is, my husband, myself, and him) used to be decent. At one point he lived with us (at my husband's request) to try and help him kick his habit. He is well aware that I stick to my guns about keeping her safe from him when he is doing drugs, and he knows for a fact that I don't care about him like that anymore. Who am I to pick and choose who deserves encouraging words as they try and straighten out there life?? That seems like an awfully judgemental way to look at it. I don't remember any place in the bible saying that if someone is trying to do better, for us as christians to give them the cold shoulder. And the only way he will prove his manhood to my husband is by taking a beating, my husbands own words.

I'm not making excuses for him. But if he is going to fail, he'll fail with or without my encouragement.

 

[JVD]

I know I gave a very strong opinion. This is the reason.

Your responsibility is to your children, not to him. If you maintain a relationship with him after he has proven that he has a problem with drugs you are not protecting your children. I have seen children harmed many, many times by ex's because the mom still felt a need to encourage the deadbeat dad.

You have shown responsibility by having his visitation rights removed. Continue to show that by not keeping up a relationship at all.

I'm not saying that you should not pray form him, or hope the best for him. But I am saying that you should put your children first. And if you maintain ANY contact with him until he has actually proven himself, (and I would say he has to have proven himself with your husband), you are not putting your children first.

"But if he is going to fail, he'll fail with or without my encouragement" This is true...so he doesn't need you one way or another. Just pray for him and let it be...

 

[Telrunya]

Thanks for the advice. I wish we could sit and pray together. My hubby believes in Jesus, but he's not the pray together, or the read the bible type. I am able to talk to him about scriptures and about things that I learned at church, but as far as getting him to physically and mentally interact, it isn't happening yet. It's something I pray about everyday, and I know that God will move in his heart on His time.
I also wanted to say that I have come to a dicision after a lot of prayer and thinking. I am going to hold of on introducing my daughter to the situation until there is some more time of being clean under his belt. My husband and I agreed that after he is clean for a few months, we will revisit the situation, talk with my ex ourselves, and then we'll move forward. Thank you for your prayers and advice everyone, it does mean a lot!

In addition my husband has no problem with me sending a card or letter of support, as long as we keep our daughter out of it until he's been sober and stable.

I think you are taking almost the right approach. My mother was an addict who got herself cleaned up so that she could meet my brother and I. It's a powerful motivator. I only got to meet her twice before she passed away from Lupis, which was complicated by all the damage that had been done to her body when she was an addict. I am very thankful for having got the chance to meet her those two times though. Where I differ from you is that you never know what tomorrow brings and every day this guy wastes is only hurting your daughter. I would do more than just offer a card for encouragement. Send him some pictures of your daughter and a long letter telling him all about her. Then offer him the encouragement of when he can prove he is clean and stable of meeting her. There needs to be alittle more pressure and incentive on him. You also need to keep the contact fresh so that he has encouragement not to backslide. When he finally does get clean and meets his daughter, he can tell her that she is what helped him get clean. You might be able to imagine it, but it will fall far short of the blessing that will be for your daughter.

 

[Vicissa]

If you maintain a relationship with him after he has proven that he has a problem with drugs you are not protecting your children. I have seen children harmed many, many times by ex's because the mom still felt a need to encourage the deadbeat dad.

There is a difference between encouraging someone, and making excuses and keeping them involved with the children when they are a danger. People make mistakes, just like you and me, and we are to forgive as we would like to be forgiven. Gosh, God forgives us each and every time we sin, how many times do you think we have "proven" to be a problem, or dangerous to his other children?? Are we supposed to forgive less??? I could understand if I was saying, "Yeah, lets throw her in the mix right now, without any solid ground under my ex's feet." I'm saying I see a person trying to change there life, going further than they have ever gone before and I have enough of a heart to want to be a positive voice, because we know there are a lot of people who will voice negative about how "he can't do it."

I'm not saying that you should not pray form him, or hope the best for him. But I am saying that you should put your children first. And if you maintain ANY contact with him until he has actually proven himself, (and I would say he has to have proven himself with your husband), you are not putting your children first.

I am putting my children first, and I hope teaching them a valuable lesson. Forgiveness is a great gift, to receive and to give. And while my daughter isn't involved in the picture right now, hopefully in the future, her father will turn away from drugs for good, and then she will be able to know that while I was protecting her from him, I still forgave him of all the things he did to me and her, and I encouraged him as he struggled. God has put this on my heart, and I will follow through and let him be the judge on if I am raising my children right, not you. For the last two years, I have cut out contact completely. But over the last two weeks, I have felt compelled to encourage him, let him know I am praying for him, show him what he has missed. People don't get to see the light of Jesus shining through us by ignoring them and pretending like they don't exsist.

I think you are taking almost the right approach. My mother was an addict who got herself cleaned up so that she could meet my brother and I. It's a powerful motivator. I only got to meet her twice before she passed away from Lupis, which was complicated by all the damage that had been done to her body when she was an addict. I am very thankful for having got the chance to meet her those two times though. Where I differ from you is that you never know what tomorrow brings and every day this guy wastes is only hurting your daughter. I would do more than just offer a card for encouragement. Send him some pictures of your daughter and a long letter telling him all about her. Then offer him the encouragement of when he can prove he is clean and stable of meeting her. There needs to be alittle more pressure and incentive on him. You also need to keep the contact fresh so that he has encouragement not to backslide. When he finally does get clean and meets his daughter, he can tell her that she is what helped him get clean. You might be able to imagine it, but it will fall far short of the blessing that will be for your daughter.

Thanks sister. I am grateful to you and to everyone who has encouraged the decision I feel the Lord led me to. As a matter of fact, I talked with him (I guess I am not putting my children first.) yesterday, he actually called me. We discussed what my husband and I agreed to. I told him I was glad he was trying. He informed me his is seeing a professional now in regards to his addiction. He says that we can take it as slow as needed and he understands. He asked all about what she is like now, and asked for pictures which I told him I would send. When I told him I was praying for him, he said he doubted it. I assured him I was, and he was quiet. he said, he does love her and he's trying to do this the right way. So basically all the advice you gave, he is seeking it on his own. I know we have a long path and the possibility of him falling again is very high, but our God is the God of the impossible, so I have faith if it's God's will, it WILL happen.

 

[Svt4Him]

So this 'dad' wants little to nothing to do with your child, yet you feel you must encourage him? If it's to get him back into your childs like, then that is one thing, but it doesn't really sound like it is. So then let me ask you, why exactly do you think it's your job to encourage your ex in this way?

 

[Vicissa]

So this 'dad' wants little to nothing to do with your child, yet you feel you must encourage him? If it's to get him back into your childs like, then that is one thing, but it doesn't really sound like it is. So then let me ask you, why exactly do you think it's your job to encourage your ex in this way?

I never said he wants nothing to do with her. I have prevented him from having any contact because of his drug problem. He is recovering from his addiction, and has been clean since March 1st now. THAT is why I encourage him. He has wanted to be a part of her life but I haven't allowed it because he has been addicted to drugs.
How does it not sound like I'm trying to get him back into my child's life??? I want him to be clean before he does. What does it sound like I'm trying to do?? I'm real curious.

 

[Svt4Him]

Oh, sorry. I read 'dead beat dad' and thought he didn't want it, even though you clearly said you took those rights away. My mistake.

 

[michaeldimmickjr]

People make mistakes. I was in this situation sorta. I was doing cocaine, smoking weed, hooked on Xanax... I ended up in a coma. I guess I should tell you I have a son. He was only 4 when it happened. My wife was ready to divorce me. Honestly, I don't really blame her. She had no idea that I was a drug addict. It breaks down like this. I had been running from God for a very long time. Sometimes God puts us on our back so we have no choice but to look to him. It took a long time for my wife to take me back. I don't take any credit for it at all. I owe EVERYTHING to Jesus Christ. I thank Him everyday just for allowing me to wake up. So I have another day to glorify Him. It hurts me deeply to know what I did to my family, even right now thinking about it. If my wife would not have let me have another chance, I don't think I would honestly be here. I probably would have gone back to drugs. But praise God, I believe he put it on her heart to give me that chance I needed because He is not done with me. I'm not saying I'm perfect now by any means. I try to walk in Christ every second of every day, but sometimes I struggle. I didn't go into too much detail about everything, but if you ever want to talk, I can give you my email or something. You said your husband currently is basically saying to give up on your ex... would Christ do that? See, it's easy for us to give up on people, especially when they've hurt you so bad. Christ tells up to take up our crosses daily. Think about how He suffered. He loves all of us the same. God is no respector of persons. You may be the only love from Christ your ex sees.


Yours in Christ,
Michael

 

[JVD]

You obviously are going to do what you want to do. I would hope that others will read this and think about their actions.

Forgiveness is one thing. You can forgive without continuing a relationship with him. That would be the responsible thing and the thing that I believe Christ would have you do.

If you had no children and no husband I would have no problem with you doing what ever you wanted to do to encourage him. But since you do have a husband and children any relationship with him at this time is irresponsible and disloyal on your part.

Go ahead and do what you want...

 

[Vicissa]

You obviously are going to do what you want to do. I would hope that others will read this and think about their actions.

Forgiveness is one thing. You can forgive without continuing a relationship with him. That would be the responsible thing and the thing that I believe Christ would have you do.

If you had no children and no husband I would have no problem with you doing what ever you wanted to do to encourage him. But since you do have a husband and children any relationship with him at this time is irresponsible and disloyal on your part.

Go ahead and do what you want...

For one, that is probably one of the most untrue things I have ever heard said. I suppose when Christ forgave you for your sins, which you rightfully should die for, he should have chose to not continue a relationship with you??? We are supposed to add to our faith .."goodness; and to goodness, knowledge, and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverence, and to perseverence, godliness, and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love" (2Peter 5-7) You tell me where forgiving him but refusing to have any contact fits in with this scripture.
Do not presume to use my as any kind of "bad example" lesson, or tell me how irresponsible or disloyal I am. I tell you I am offended and ticked off of your blatent judgements and labels of me. Who are you to tell me what kind of character I have?????? You do not have to support me, you do not have to agree with me. But you do NOT have to slander me while disagreeing and act like you are judge and jury and condemn me to being a disloyal, irresponsible mother and wife. Let's not forget Jesus's words on loving our enemies,

Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.
Luke 6:35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your rewards will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. (36) Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

 

[Heatherondo]

You obviously are going to do what you want to do. I would hope that others will read this and think about their actions.

Forgiveness is one thing. You can forgive without continuing a relationship with him. That would be the responsible thing and the thing that I believe Christ would have you do.

If you had no children and no husband I would have no problem with you doing what ever you wanted to do to encourage him. But since you do have a husband and children any relationship with him at this time is irresponsible and disloyal on your part.

Go ahead and do what you want...

She is being "disloyal"?
How?

is she carrying on a ungodly relation ship wiht her childs father? NO!
is she putting the child, herself or husband in danger? NO!

is she feeling a leading from the Lord to show some mercy and forgiveness? I believe so.


her husbands attitude may be about rivalry, most men have issues with any man thats been with thier woman before them.

Her husband is being judgemental and unforgiving which is NOT a Christ-like attitude.

Jesus went out among lepers, crippled people, all tha pariahs of that time, and ministered the them and loved them, he did not justify the sins of anyone but he loved them as humans just hated the sin.\

We are commanded to emulate Christ. Love the sinner hate the sin.

If God has laid on her heart to be an encoutagement... she is obliged to God before her husband period. God would not lead her to do anything disloyal.


I suggest you re-read the parable about the speck and log in the eye......