fallen

[Mayflower1]

I haven't been to this section in awhile. I tend to stay away, in fear of being triggered by something i read, but i have been praying for ya'll. The last few weeks have been difficult, for i have started cutting again. i am so tired of the constant battle self-injury plays on my mind, body, and emotions. i am so sick of it. why can't i just stop? ever feel that way? it is like any substance abuse addiction, because it is a craving that never seems to be satisfied. but i do it for punishment. i hate myself. and have you ever noticed that after you cut, the next day you feel guilty again and cut again because of the guilt. i hate that.

i have done some punishing things i am too embarressed to say on here. i am so tired of fighting. i just started therapy and i know it is going to be hard. i don't want to go. i don't want any of this. i just want to feel better again and not wake up in the mornings with these stupid scars on my legs.

 

[Everlasting33]

I haven't been to this section in awhile. I tend to stay away, in fear of being triggered by something i read, but i have been praying for ya'll. The last few weeks have been difficult, for i have started cutting again. i am so tired of the constant battle self-injury plays on my mind, body, and emotions. i am so sick of it. why can't i just stop? ever feel that way? it is like any substance abuse addiction, because it is a craving that never seems to be satisfied. but i do it for punishment. i hate myself. and have you ever noticed that after you cut, the next day you feel guilty again and cut again because of the guilt. i hate that.

i have done some punishing things i am too embarressed to say on here. i am so tired of fighting. i just started therapy and i know it is going to be hard. i don't want to go. i don't want any of this. i just want to feel better again and not wake up in the mornings with these stupid scars on my legs.

I am sincerely sorry that you have had recent trouble with self-harm. But at the same time, it is good news to hear that you have started therapy. I think you answered your own question when you asked "why can't I just stop?" The answer is because you still hate yourself and as long as you and I hate ourselves, our behavior will always be self-destructive and defeating. Ever notice that when you are depressed, you do not say, "Well I have struggled for a bit but I just gotta keep trying.." instead you may say, "I am so tired of all this and I hate who I am." Feelings of resentment, bitterness, depression, worthlessness and many other negative feelings come to the surface. It is a chain reaction. Once we self-condemn and fail to empathize, we will be bound by our own hands that prevent us from recovery and ultimate peace.

Loving and accepting who we are just does not feel natural. It feels more natural to hate the many aspects of our personality and our choices than to empathize and improve them. We are often to self-criticize and dismiss any kind of accomplishment. Fighting self-harm and depression is certainly an uphill battle and one that comes only through persistence and faith.

I would encourage you to take some time and sit down and empathize with yourself. Understand your struggles and how upset you are. Know that you ARE trying but it is hard because of the past. The doubts. Fears. Burdens. And memories. I have found that in my own life whenever I have a more compassionate and empathetic attitude toward myself and my struggles, I am more adept to feeling stronger at facing my issues because there is a hero that lives in each and every one of us! I just want you to know how powerful self-empathy can be simply because it opens the floodgates for honest and open assessment of your present problem or issue.

Today I had an off day. I sometimes get tired of having to fight and struggle JUST to get some self-esteem! I want to blame others but yet my anger only eats away at me. It is not easy to find the strength, hope or faith to continue...I know, believe me. But you and I must keep in mind that we were not born with low self-esteem, depression, self-harm, or many self-defeating issues (like worry or perfectionism) but most of it (unless it is chemical imbalances) was learned through childhood and through dysfunction. If it is not the way it should be than I must always remember to be the person that I was meant to be.

We both must be determined to not allow our negative thoughts and feelings to control us. I know it is hard and exhausting for you right now but I encourage you to vent through a person, exercise, do anything but self-destruct. Is it easier said than done? Certainly. But it is still a choice we must make and one that will always affect our future and our attempt at inner peace and harmony.

Best wishes!

 

[svl3p]

I've had a lot of the same feelings you're describing....the confusion about the addiction, the guilt about cutting so I'd cut more and just on and on..it's a vicious cycle...i have scars on my legs too and every time i see them i hate them...but you're strong!

you've started therapy..that's something I still haven't had the courage to do. You're facing this. You're taking the steps you need to to beat it. and you CAN beat it. God will help you every step of the way.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much..just keep leaning on God...and any supportive friends or family too...you can DO this!

*hugs* and prayers for you

 

[IzzieWizzie]

These scars show where you've been, not who you are. I think i know how you feel, i find it's like a vicious cycle too and it really is addictive for me.
Go you for starting therapy! That is such a big step, i hope it goes well for you
Take care xx

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hey Lily ,

honestly, I think it's awesome that you've started therapy! I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I can tell you it's worth it. Each step *is* a step Hun. There'll be days when you think none of it is worth it...but there'll also be days when you think that maybe there's still hope. We believe in you Hun.

~ Steffi (with a new name)