fall-a rant

[Cambria]

Fall is coming. I can smell it, feel it, breathe it and its very discomforting. A year marks the rape of my ex girlfriend and also marks the season when I spiraled downward towards rock bottom. Through the changing on seasons, I am beginning to feel the pain i once felt. I smell her everywhere i go. i see her Crying eyes in my sleep. I feel my heart being ripped to shreds again, while I sit here and cry. The beauty I once held is now long gone. I loved her. i loved her more than my own life. i would have died just to see her smile one more time before she slipped between my hands, taking my heart with her. Why did all this have to happen? What is the reason? Noone deserves what she went through. NOONE. I hate it. When the trees blow outside the only thing I picture is her, with the wind blowing in her hair with the biggest smile on her face. When i fall asleep, I feel her next to me. I haent felt this way in months. All i want to do is cut, and watch it bleed. I hate myself. i had so much and now its all gone and im left with nothing but emptiness. I cant feel, I cant love. i cant hate. i am nothing. A year wasted, and as soon as i feel better about my life, all this just has to rush back. like a hit in the face. I dont want to die, but thats seems the only route. Its neverending. I want to be happy. i want to love. I want to grow old with someone. i want to be successful. i want to acheive my dreams. Im tired of falling short. im tired of being depressed. im tired of worrying. im tired of having nothing. Im tired of dying everyday. I just want a new life. Why is that so hard.

 

[meebs]

woah, that sounds sad. Did she leave you? My guess is to take the pain, don't bury it. Pray to God to heal you (if your're a Christian) or i'll pray. Your scars are still fresh, it only happened a year ago. When you stop greiving let go and move on. and next fall better things may start happening, maybe before. i don't know im not great at giving advice, God bless.

 

[alexxchris]

Cambria,
I have been there my brother. Not the sme exact situation, no, but similar. I got my heart broken and I had a bad job situation as well. Tons of debt and such. I lost 30 pounds in like 2 weeks cause I just didn't feel like eating.
What changed? I prayed constantly. All my freinds seemed to not care or were too busy with their own problems. I had nothing but time to read the Bible and to pray. Now over a year lader guess what? God rewarded my patience and my open heart. He has given me an AWESOME woman and a brand new job. Its still hurts to think back to how things were but MAN I am so happy now and its because I gave God myself. I told him I was tired of doing my own thing my own way. I told him I wanted him to take control. Over a year later..........WOW. Lean on Jesus and never give up. Giving up is what the devil wants. Don't let him win, refuse to let him win. Give you life totally over to God, then sit back and watch him work. Don't get impatient, God has perfect timing and he will do for you when he knows its best. It was very hard for me to wait for him to act but guess what .... he did, and he did BIG.

I'll keep praying for you bro

God Bless You,
Christian

 

[Cambria]

I have taken the pain for a year now, and all it does is suffocate me. thanks for your reply alex. i hope i can find what im looking for.

 

[hclissett]

Hi

I'm so sorry about what has happened in your life in the last 12 months. I had an experience like that of your girlfriend, a few years ago. I carried a lot of pain and guilt around, and felt really unclean. It would sometimes feel as though there had been nothing before, and there was nothing after. Time went on and I immersed myself in work. I also prayed to God, but at times, I'd lash out at Him because I wondered where this figured in His plans. Anyway, I thought I was getting over it, until it got near to the 1st anniversary and I'd find the wounds reopening. It was as though it was happening allover. Again, the pain, anguish, etc. was there. But I knew I had gotten through the actual event, that this was me, replaying it. And I realised I had to get through it. Work through it. Focus on the good around me, the fact I was alive and able to start over. By the second anniversary, I was still remorseful - it was still there, that pain, but it had dulled a little. 3rd and 4th - well, yes, I remembered. But the 5th - I realised I had forgotten to think about it until weeks later, when my memory was jolted. Time is a great healer? yes, but God, for me was too. I got through it. Ok, it took time, but I knew I wasn't alone. I had my Father to speak to about that which I couldn't speak to anyone else, and also I had Him to scream at, because I knew He could take my pain. And I believe He did.
Now? I am happily married, with a child. I am outgoing, happy and confident. Ok, I still have a couple things I'm wary of - I won't go out at night in the dark, on my own.
But I also think that that which I have been through, has helped me to develop a deeper empathy for people who have gone through such things, and I have compassion and love for others which perhaps I wouldn't have had before.

Did God make this happen to me? No. An evil man did. But I stopped his continual hurting of me by letting God and time, heal me.

So take heart. I know it's rough. I know a year can be a long time, but believe me, hang on, hold on, and know that there are people out here, praying for you and your situation.

Take Care

 

[mandapanda445]

my prayers go out to you, Cambria. I hope you are healed soon by the Father.
-amanda

 

[Cambria]

I don't want to die.

 

[e8514]

Cambria,


God has things in store for you. Losing a love one is very difficult. It tskes time to grieve. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep in touch with us. We all love you and want you to live a prosperous life.

God will pull you through. God Bless you.