Faith is gone, help

[ConureDelSol]

I want to start out by saying that I don't want anyone to take offense to anything that I say. Any references to Christians that may be negative are simply my experience with MOST Christians and definitely not ALL. I know some wonderful, awesome Christians as well. They are not direct attacks towards Christianity or its followers, but rather the thoughts and beliefs that I am struggling with right now. Now that we have that out of the way:

This is my last attempt to reach out for help. I may be leaving the Christian faith. Although I do have a number of illnesses, this isn't a "poor me, God isn't helping me therefore he doesn't exist" type of thing. Before I used to be puzzled as to why someone wouldn't be a Christian. I figured it was the ultimate good and didn't understand why someone would gamble their soul and not accept Christ as their savior. As I have grown into adulthood, my faith has taken a nose dive. After I actually looked at my religion and the people around me, I decided that Christianity is definitely not the ultimate good.

I have been searching and searching for some sort of answer to make myself more sure of my faith. I have prayed extensively. In the end I have found a flawed book written and changed by flawed people, a schizophrenic God who can't make up his mind, hateful and bigoted conservative religious nutjobs, crazy airheaded liberal religious nutjobs, and more. I'd rather not get into what has convinced me of all of this, since I don't want to get carried away and start typing nasty things.

Christianity has done nothing but brought me suffering. Ever since my father became Christian, he has become strongly opinionated, judgmental, critical of my mother, spends little to no time at all with his family since he would rather be at church all the time, and worst of all, he always accuses my mom of not being "Biblical" enough and their marriage is falling apart at the seams.

My mother is more anxious than ever, is loathing the day that she will have to be alone with my dad again, and she struggles to be that perfect "Biblical" woman my father seems to desire. Meanwhile, she works full time only to come home to my grandparents who are ill and pretty much do nothing but watch TV and sleep all day. They always want her first just so they can "talk" to her. She's usually so busy dealing with them, that she can't give me the time of day until it's close to my bedtime.

Even worse though, is that I work for my church under my dad. You would think this would be awesome, but is so so not. My dad drives me crazy and often throws a disapproving look my way. I can't interact with any of my coworkers since I work in a cubicle. Even if I was in the main office with them, they would never talk to me because we have nothing in common.

Our pastor is practically worshipped. Everyone goes "That is a man that is truly touched by God." He has a pretty amazing story, yes. However, he has to have a group of security guys surround him because otherwise he will be mobbed by churchgoers and drunk people alike. To me, it seems as though the church has been worshipping its pastor and not God. Every service, I am more and more disgusted by his messages. I actually can't wait until I can quit this job once I start taking enough college classes. He preaches that all these good things will happen when accept Jesus into your heart and believe all of the supernatural stuff regarding his resurrection and ascent to Heaven. Ten years, three painful, rare diseases, and thousands of dollars in debt later...I'm still waiting for those good things.

I need help, encouraging words or someone to try and explain things to me in a way that will make sense. I don't want to be the heathen daughter of my parents. I don't want to be angry at God. I don't want to be looked down upon by others. I don't want my family to be torn apart by religion anymore. Most of all though, I don't want to be right about this.

 

[elenore]

Pray. I've been through many (and worse) of some of the things that you're describing here. I've found that God was real - and is always there for those who genuinely seek him - but the 'church' (in various forms) can destroy your life.
Your parents (and please don't take this the wrong way) can also use the bible, (and God - or their mixed up views of him) to destroy it likewise.

It seems like a terrible thing to say, but unfortunatly it isn't. Lies happen. Power struggles happen. The abuse of God and the use of him and his word to control and rob you is very real.

This however does not make God invalid or any less powerful or loving then he's ever been.

Let me share a dream God gave me a couple of years ago.
(If you don't mind.)

In the dream, I saw a man, very, very broken - and his son. The man was kind of like a deadbeat, goth type. Broken, bitter, almost totally incapable of love because he was too far gone through his own upbringing and bitterness. In my arms I was holding his son - a little boy about 3 years old.
The boy was as messed up as you'd imagine a child with a father like that would be. Hopeless, internally frantic and broken. I loved this child SO much, that it sort of amazed me when I woke up and remembered the dream. I mean it was a deep, deep, parent like love for the child.
Anyway, we were standing on the edge of a cliff and below us was a pool where people were swimming. I encouraged the child to jump, and eventually he did. I jumped after him, and as I fell, the space grew larger and larger till I realised that in the natural, it was impossible for a human being to survive the fall. When I reached the bottom, there was the child, unharmed and peacefully splashing and wading about. I picked up the child and began to sing the truth about who he really was, over him.
Then I woke up.

It was extremly vivid and quite moving. When I asked God what the dream meant - he showed me that I was the boy, the man represented my parents, and he was me. The cliff was trusting him (for my future in a way and healing.)
In the natural I would never have survived it - but he made it possible.

A lot of this has already come true. (Still working through some issues.)

God is faithful, but we have to make the decision to step off the cliff at times and trust him. Maybe a major cliff, maybe a smaller one. Regardless, he is our God and his nature never changes, regardless of how badly we've been lied to about him. Willfully or through carelessness or deception.
He is kind and he will see us through whatever he leads us to. And he can set us free.
It's a choice.

Hope that helps.

God bless

 

[Drayzon]

ConureDelSol...

I think everyone can relate to you. There are times when you are at rock bottom and you don't know where to go, who to turn to, and even if your sane. As hard and as impossible as it may seem, these are the times you seek God. These are the times you fight against those feelings. These are the times you don't allow the enemy to bring you down.

I assure you at every point in a Christian's life, they have been where you are. If they tell you otherwise, than they have not truly surrendered to God.

One thing that I make sure I tell the people I witness to is, this Christian life is not roses and happiness. It's hard. I'm real with them. I tell them that it's going to be hard, it's going to be tough. You're gonna want to give up. It's true. But then I assure them of the joy and the peace that God floods on your soul. A peace that passes all understanding. I tell them that although it will get tough, the battle is fighting against those fleshly emotions. When you continue to speak faith even though you do not see a change, God with His everlasting love floods you with peace. The problems won't go away, no, but you will have a divine peace, which will alow you to go through the problems the way God wants you to.

I will be honest, I myself don't like Bible pushers and Christian radicals. I grew up in the church, but was witnessed to by one of these people and it made me feel like leaving the church. They don't even know how hard they make it for the unbelievers. Jesus never said to shove Himself down people's throats, He simply said preach and teach word. But do it with the Holy Spirit.

I pray that your father will find a love in God that he himself will be a changed man and you, your mother, and those around you will see a change. I pray you fight this fight, as did Paul and the other apostles. There is nothing in this world that should be able to seperate you from the love of Christ.

I will pray for your peace, so that you can endure like a good soldier. It may be tough, but don't worry. Cast your cares on God and you will see change happen in your life.

God bless you
If you need anything at all you can pm me and I'm sure others.

 

[insurchoftruth]

1 John 3:1, 4:10,16,19, John 3:16, 14:21,23, 16:27, 17:23,26, Psalm 103:8,11,13,17,18, Psalm 108:4, Psalm 63:3, Psalm 145:7,8,9,17,20, Psalm 147:11, Psalm 52:8, Psalm 25:6,7,8,10, Ephesians 2:4-9

Psalm 119:50, Psalm 62:8, Psalm 42:5, Psalm 43:5, Psalm 46:1, Psalm 86, Isaiah 25:8, 30:18,19,20, 40:1, 41:10,13,14, 2 Corinthians 1:3-11, 4:16-18, 7:6, 12:9,10, Psalm 13

 

[Johnnz]

Some healthy teaching and church life would be helpful rather than what you have experienced so far. Also a good book such as John Stott's 'Basic Christianity' could be helpful.

There are some good UK web sites depending on your level of curiosity and willingness to think. bethinking.org and The London Institute for Contemporary Christianity might be helpful.

John
NZ

 

[hopetoday]

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