I always find these sexual refusal discussions interesting - because there's always kinda this "but, it's just sex, poor poor him" dynamic to it...or "he must have done something to deserve it"...or "he shouldn't keep track"...or...a myriad of other things that kinda diminish the problem the guy has with it.
The only thing that I'm left thinking is that women must really misunderstand why guys get married...or what sex means in the guy's mind.
Maybe the closest thing that can be related is that book and concept "He's just not that into you". Sexual refusal, to most guys, is akin to that. We simply cannot envision why someone would refuse unless they just weren't all that into us. Sex is something we desire - in and of itself - as it's own end. That's why women generally (I think) have such a hard time relating to it (sexual refusal) - because they experience so little of it.
You articulate a male perspective on this well here. I say a male perspective. There are males with low sex drives married to women who have higher sex drives. But the typical scenario is the man with the higher desire for sex (at least without a lot of 'romance' leading up to it.
We could come home after getting hit by a bus, with a broken leg in a cast, after having not slept for 3 days in the hospital, having just lost our job due to being absent from work...and if our wife seemed like she was game for it we'd probably find a way.
Or after 10 days of hardly eating or walking while suffering from dengue fever in a hospital in a developing country.
I always kinda wonder how women would react if they received the same types of sexual refusal that guys complain about over a prolonged period of time...lol I think about times my wife has initiated and the few times I said I wasn't in the mood (and meant it) - and how it seemed to start bringing up insecurities or wonderment...and then wonder how that would play out over months and months and months.
That's really true. A woman who has experienced this should think about this if she denies her husband.
It may sound 'unidealistic' to say that men marry for sex or that sex is a huge factor in a man's mind when it comes to marriage. But we need to consider what the Bible says about the topic. The Bible provides marriage as the solution to prevent fornication. It says that the husband has power over his wife's body and the wife has power over her husband's body, and not to defraud one another. Each partner is to meet the other's sexual needs. The idea of not cheating the other partner out of their sexual rights to one's body is a Biblical concept.
Most often - though - if we refuse - the only reason why we can conceive of it is because we find something fundamentally wrong with the girl. We're just not that into her - or find her kinda repugnant in some way or other. That's the message that guys interpret with refusal.
That's true for a lot of guys. I don't know if all the lower sex drive men who (wrongly) refuse their wives do so for those reasons. If it's a big problem, there is always the 'off' setting on the light switch.
So - think back to some guy that wasn't all that into you growing up - how that made you feel - and now envision that you're stuck with them (possibly supporting them) with very little recourse or way out for the rest of your life. lol Then add insult to injury that you can't even take that refusal at face value (like you could with that person who wasn't into you) and just move on - that your entire sexual life is now dedicated to someone that ain't all that into you...and then add to the mix that you're possibly supporting them (hey - you're good enough for your money!)
The book 'His Needs, Her Needs' makes basically the same point. By getting married, a man signs away the potential to get his sexual needs met anywhere else. If he were to go elsewhere, that's a violation of the marriage agreement. If the wife doesn't meet his needs, she's depriving him of sexual fulfillment and he can't meet the need anywhere else, so of course he feels ripped off. (The Bible uses the word 'defraud.')
If you go to a secular forum for men dealing with the sexual problem of the wife cutting her husband off from sex, a lot of the men will recommend giving an ultimatum-- having a sex life or divorce. I understand the rationale, since not providing sex is a violation of the implicit contract. Biblically, I don't agree with that.
I read one argument once that since Jesus allowed for divorce for 'sexual immorality' (in the NIV), that sexual refusal was grounds for divorce. It's immoral, and it's sexual in nature. The problem is, though, that Jesus spoke of porneia, and 'sexual immorality' is a loose and in some ways poor translation of the term. Porneia is more like 'whoring around.'
Even so, it is immoral to defraud one's spouse sexually. There are people who seem to think nothing of subjecting their spouses to a sexless marriage.
If you're getting married in your 20's, if you don't have kids yet, etc...it's pretty much the sex that made the difference in his decision to marry her. That's simply the fact of the matter.
And for those who remain virgins until marriage, the man is likely wanting to have sex with his wife after marriage, and expects to have a regular active sex life. So sex still factors in.
I've been a 20 year old guy - and I can tell you that I've never met a woman in my life that prayed so well, that treated kittens so nicely, that had such a great sense of humor, that it made me go "wow - I'm going to now cut myself off to every other option for the rest of my life for this person." Those things may be great - and those are things that you want people around for...but it ain't enough to cut off all other options for. Like I said before - those are friends.
I've had friends that prayed and friends that loved kittens without having to marry them, too.
And a lot of guys if they think of marriage without sex would think, "I had a roommate who didn't pay half the rent before I got married. Why should I get married for that?"
But - if you're getting MARRIED - I can guarantee you that's at least 50% (if not more) of what he's considering. So when it becomes an issue where it's rarely (if ever) happening - expect that kind of reaction.
I don't know if it's 50% of the decision to marry a particular person. Sex was certainly a factor in me knowing I was the type of person who needed to get married. As for who I chose, I chose someone I was attracted to. I didn't think of it along the line so someone I was attracted to-- so I could have sex with her-- at the time. I was very much into considering what type of person she was. I wouldn't say 50% of my concerns about her had to do with sex. But sex certainly played into the decision to find a wife.
Children was also a part of that. Usually sex is involved in having children, though nowadays that doesn't always have to be the case.
