Do you ever think about past sins and feel how can I live with them even though they are forgiven. I often think about things I have done through out my life and think I just can live with that, but I can't fix it either. I know my sins are forgive and it is satan accusing before God. I find it hard to deal with the fact I am not perfect. I don't want to sin. i don't want to make mistakes. There is nothing I can do about the past. Maybe that is why so many people drink use drugs and party there life away. They just can't live with the things they have done. Maybe it is an attempt to drown out themselves and memories of things done. I have Jesus and have a hard time. I can not imagine the lost trying to deal with themselves. For me the hardest person to forgive is my self.
Loving my enemies is hard, but funny enough my biggest enemies I love a great deal. Jesus said a mans enemies would be his own family, this has been so true with me. My Mom, brother, and Dad are my worse. i reconciled with my Dad after I did not speak to him for a year. He saw either he was going to change or lose a son, so he changed. My Mom and brother however, have not changed. They still try to hurt me every chance they get. My brother spreads lies about me through out the family in order to get my families money. I never cared about there money. My grandpa died with out me speaking to him for the last 5 years of his life. I tired but my brother destroyed our relationship with lies. When he died my ant and uncle got everything, and my brother was also cut out of the will, along with me and my Dad. i don't speak to my aunt or uncle because of the lies my brother spread. In the end it did not matter he lost out on millions. I was never getting anything any ways so I lost out on nothing. Now my brother is causing waves between me and my Dad, He is planning my Dads death and after his money. If he is the only son talking to my Dad My Dad will have no one to leave his money to but him. In spite of all this I still love him. He has threaten to murder me and my family and yet I still Love him. Me and my brother are like Cain and Able. I don't want to love him but I do. He has abused me all my life, he use to hit me before I could speak, he is 6 years older. My Mom and dad abused us growing up whipping us for things like laughing or when they felt mad. I did not know that was not normal untill I was an adult. i thought everyone got whipped until they had big welts and could not sit down for hours. In spite of all this I still Love them, but i don't want to. They hurt me every chance they get, yet I forgive and love them. I know Jesus said to love everyone I find that hard but with my family who has done the worse to me i love and its hard not to. I don't even know what I love. i guess its unconditional.
The hardest thing for me is they don't see they ever did anything wrong to me. So here I am I love people i don't want to and have a hard time forgiving my self. Any one else have this problem?
I gave another post about free will, and this is why I feel like I have none. If i don't become the man God wants me to be i feel like I will die. I mean it is so strong I feel like I have to become what Gods wants, it everything I want. It is my meaning for Life. Some times I want to give up but I can't. I feel like i will explode. i guess i need to get busy becoming it.
Thanks for letting me share
Peace and Love
blu
Loving my enemies is hard, but funny enough my biggest enemies I love a great deal. Jesus said a mans enemies would be his own family, this has been so true with me. My Mom, brother, and Dad are my worse. i reconciled with my Dad after I did not speak to him for a year. He saw either he was going to change or lose a son, so he changed. My Mom and brother however, have not changed. They still try to hurt me every chance they get. My brother spreads lies about me through out the family in order to get my families money. I never cared about there money. My grandpa died with out me speaking to him for the last 5 years of his life. I tired but my brother destroyed our relationship with lies. When he died my ant and uncle got everything, and my brother was also cut out of the will, along with me and my Dad. i don't speak to my aunt or uncle because of the lies my brother spread. In the end it did not matter he lost out on millions. I was never getting anything any ways so I lost out on nothing. Now my brother is causing waves between me and my Dad, He is planning my Dads death and after his money. If he is the only son talking to my Dad My Dad will have no one to leave his money to but him. In spite of all this I still love him. He has threaten to murder me and my family and yet I still Love him. Me and my brother are like Cain and Able. I don't want to love him but I do. He has abused me all my life, he use to hit me before I could speak, he is 6 years older. My Mom and dad abused us growing up whipping us for things like laughing or when they felt mad. I did not know that was not normal untill I was an adult. i thought everyone got whipped until they had big welts and could not sit down for hours. In spite of all this I still Love them, but i don't want to. They hurt me every chance they get, yet I forgive and love them. I know Jesus said to love everyone I find that hard but with my family who has done the worse to me i love and its hard not to. I don't even know what I love. i guess its unconditional.
The hardest thing for me is they don't see they ever did anything wrong to me. So here I am I love people i don't want to and have a hard time forgiving my self. Any one else have this problem?
I gave another post about free will, and this is why I feel like I have none. If i don't become the man God wants me to be i feel like I will die. I mean it is so strong I feel like I have to become what Gods wants, it everything I want. It is my meaning for Life. Some times I want to give up but I can't. I feel like i will explode. i guess i need to get busy becoming it.
Thanks for letting me share
Peace and Love
blu