I love Christians who use this argument, that if you sincerely want to know God, then you will. I can tell from firsthand experience this is false.
It was a long time coming for me to lose my faith. Growing up, I gradually began to lose my faith. When this started happening, I started reading all the books supporting Christianity, surfing the internet looking for evidence.
Anything I found, I could also find atheist rebuttals and then some. And while atheist rebuttals to Christian arguments seemed logical and natural, Christian rebuttals to atheist argments just seemed convoluted and desperate.
For one thing, there are a lot of "christian books" out there that are full of crap. Also, what "seems" logical doesn't mean that it actually is logical. The atheist arguments I've seen so far, some of them do make sense when you first read them. But I found that this was because I wasn't studying the rebuttals and arguments very carefully and closely. I was jumping to conclusions.
I've seen some christian defenses that seemed desperate. They were usually arguments out of emotion, and not factual based on evidence. I've seen christian rebuttals too that are convoluted, because the christian was asked something outside of their field of study. Since christian apologetics covers quite the field, not every apologist knows the answer to every question. Sadly, some christians qill give you an answer using twisted logic and manipulating facts in order to at least provide an answer. It's not about what seems logical, it's about what actually is logical.
For instance, why don't you answer me the question:
Why doesn't God heal amputees?
You don't need every single limb in order to do the work that God has set out for you to do. What difference would it make if God did heal amputees? The bible also promises that those who are faithful to Christ will be resurrected with a new body. So God will do some amputee healing, according to the bible.
Also, please tell me why are you a Christian?
Glad you asked. I had been severely depressed and suicidal from 16-21. I tried a few different meds, tried counselling, even studied 3 psychology courses in college to look for a cure, and went to a few therapy groups at the hospital.
I had rejected God earlier, because I thought christianity was religious and myth. In fact I hated christianity and church entirely. But since I was making some serious serious plans to kill myself, and because of all my personality problems, I saw no other options but suicide in order to relieve some of the pain. It was through my studying psychology and going to counselling that pointed out the problem, that I have never had a loving relationship with anyone before.
But since I had about a week left before I was gonna kill myself, I cried out one last time for help. Outside having a smoke, without even thinking about it I cried out in my mind "is anyone out there who cares? Is anyone there who knows how to help me? Is there a love force of some kind that cares about me? Is there a god who can hear me who knows how to heal me? Cuase it there is, then this god love force thing has to reveal himself to me now, or else I'm done for. If there is a god, then you need to show me that you love me, you need to show me that you care in some way that I'll never miss. "
Now I wasn't expecting any answer, because I didn't exactly believe if any kind of God, or spirit, or force existed. Actually I wasn't sure if God existed, I didn't believe in God, but I believe that there was at least a small possibilty that God existed.
Also, all the psychology I learned explained that ppl with depression and major personality issues will probably never fully heal, but can at best reduce some of the symptoms, either thru meds or therapy, and that it would take months maybe years for any therapy to really have much of an effect. I didn't react to most of the meds I took, the one I did react to made it worse.
But I woke up about 3 or 4 days after I prayed that prayer, and I had no depressed feelings or suicidal thoughts whatsoever, and haven't had any ever since, nor have I felt compelled once to take my own life. And the personality and attitude changes and thoughts that happened to me immediately after this huge change matched that of the bible of someone who is new in Christ. So that's why I believe in God and have a personal relationship with Him. Because if God doesn't exist, then I wouldn't exist either. ( I also did some studying becuase I wanted to make sure that I wasn't in some sort of a placebo affect, or in some power of suggestion mode, or believing in something that has no historical credibilty to it.)
I prayed for God to somehow strengthen my faith. He never did. All I had fluttering through my mind was questions about the world that I couldn't come up with a rationalization for.
Eventually, I had to admit to myself that I didn't believe. All of a sudden, all of these questions left my mind. The world now makes sense to me under the assumption that Christianity is fiction.
Been there. I found out that what I was doing was praying for God's help when I hadn't even prayed and asked Him to come into my life first. My prayers were just thoughts in my head, thoughts that weren't even directed toward God. Finally I rejected God and christianity as I mentioned above, because I couldn't make any sense of it, and it all came a cross as myth, a way of life for ppl who are locked up in ideology.
I have to ask, have you prayed and asked God to answer some of the questions that you have about the world?
You say Christianity will change my life; I disagree. Christianity was a burden to my soul. I've thrown it off and I feel so much better.
Christianity though, isn't based on how you feel. It's based on fact, facts that lead to faith. I can't really tell what your faith is like based on what you've posted, I'd need more details. You might have been like me and thought you were a christian because you went to church and "prayed" vain prayers because you thought that's what you had to do.