engaged and confused...

[Melody Joy]

I am not really sure how to start this. I am so troubled. I am engaged to a wonderful man! He is so good to me. He is a strong Christian and we are to be married August 28. The past couple weeks I have been struggling with not knowing if I really DO want to marry him. At first I thought it was the new birth control I had started on that was making me so depressed and confused. I am off of it now and things got better for a couple days but the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach is back. I have been suffering from depression for many years. That could be a reason. Also it could be pre-wedding jitters. I just feel like there is something missing. I read and hear about others who describe how they met their SO or what its like to be in love with them everyday. When I read that stuff I get sad. For so long I have believed that God brought him to me. God brought us together, so why don't I feel excited around him? Why don't I look forward to each time we see each other? Why do I sit on the opposite side of the couch and watch tv with him?
Why do I get so irritated with stuff he says or does?
I know there are probably not many of you out there. But has anyone ever felt this way before marriage? Or felt that you and the other person were more of best friends than "lovers"?

 

[Warrior Poet]

I guess I would start by asking a few questions.
So you have a boring relationship?
Do you two have a routine (i.e. eating at the same places, always ordering the same food, a night out is just repetitive to the last time out?)
Some people (men) fall into a comfort zone, especially after being married becuase its alomost like we won, in a sense, and as marriage is to be for life. Taking a great girl for granted becomes very easy. You are asking a heavy question that requires more knowledge of the happenings inside you and his relationship. And please tell me you did premarital councling.

Warrior Poet

 

[Cright]

A piece of advise I heard once is that "Love is a decision, each morning you wake up and decide to love those around you." It makes sense, beacuse if it was a natural thing humans just did or fell into, we wouldn't have to have the 1st 2 commandments.

Don't know if that's much help for you, but I haven't been married to understand pre-wedding jitters or give my own advise/experiences.

I'll say a pray for you!!

Hugs,
Carina

 

[Lbiagm]

i pray for ya.

 

[Katty]

I agree with WP & Cright. At the end of the day, you have to choose to love that person whether you have butterflies in your stomach or not. Habitual things that happen within your relationship place you and your sweetie in the rut of becoming bored and in the "norm" of things. I think that its more than just the guys that fall into the "comfort zone" because I know that us girls do it too. I think we just have a different way of expressing it. We tend to analyze it when it comes up. I think at the heart of it all, you both should talk... and I totally agree with WP that you should get pre-marital counseling. A relationship in general is work... in order to get your paycheck and the benefits that come with it... you have to work. Maybe there's more that work into why you feel the way you do.

~Katty

 

[Lbiagm]

yep pre-marital counseling is good.

 

[Melody Joy]

thanks everyone for your comments. Yes we are currently doing the pre-marital counseling thing. I am really starting to think it is pre-wedding jitters. Also I notice that when I am not close to God, I don't feel close to my fiance, or anyone else really. Continuously communicating with God is something I need to work on.

 

[Lbiagm]

yw kc.

 

[leah-bygrace]

Also I notice that when I am not close to God, I don't feel close to my fiance, or anyone else really. Continuously communicating with God is something I need to work on.

This is absolutely true. I have been there. While I'm not married or engaged, I also realize that when I'm not close to Christ I don't feel very close or loving toward my bf. Something that has always stuck in my head is that I can't expect my bf, friends or family to make me feel loved or happy. Christ is the only one who can truly fulfull those feelings in us, and I remember that whenever I feel like people in my life are frustrating me.

 

[Nix]

Could you describe to us what feelings you do have for him?

Remember: Feelings are fleeting and will come and go

Your husband should become your best friend but also a lover, one you are attracted too.

Marriage is commitment.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

The Bible commands us to love the one we marry - not to marry the one we love. Love is an action; it's something we choose to do. If he is a godly man and you believe that God wants you together, then marry him and choose to love him and God will honor that and let it grow.

 

[JVD]

Ahem...I don't want to come across as the 50 something fuddy-duddy but I couldn't help but notice a couple things.

One...you are on birth control.
Two...no one brought it up

Is it so accepted today that engaged couples need birth control that it isn't even an issue?

Perhaps one reason you aren't looking forward to marriage is that nothing is really going to change in your immediate relationship other than the piece of paper? You already are acting like a married couple perhaps?

 

[mathias1979]

Ahem...I don't want to come across as the 50 something fuddy-duddy but I couldn't help but notice a couple things.

One...you are on birth control.
Two...no one brought it up

Is it so accepted today that engaged couples need birth control that it isn't even an issue?

Perhaps one reason you aren't looking forward to marriage is that nothing is really going to change in your immediate relationship other than the piece of paper? You already are acting like a married couple perhaps?

I noticed...but be careful not to jump to conclusion. Some girls go on birth control for other issues than just to have sex freely these days. And the fact that she has quit taking birth control makes me think that sex may not have been the reason she was on it in the first place.

-Matt

 

[uniqute]

Ahem...I don't want to come across as the 50 something fuddy-duddy but I couldn't help but notice a couple things.

One...you are on birth control.
Two...no one brought it up

I just kinda assumed that they are getting married pretty soon and perhaps whatever she is taking you have to be on it for a little while before it kicks in properly? And, as has already been mentioned, there are other reasons people take it.

But correct me if I'm wrong

 

[desi]

Don't marry him if you have doubts. Wait until you are sure.

 

[Nix]

Certain types of birth controls e.g the pill has to be taken up to 3 months before comeing together to ensure no baby surprises.

 

[Lbiagm]

true desi.

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

Took the words out of my mouth Nix - every 'artificial' form of birth control has to be taken at least 2 months prior to the time you start having intercourse, or wanting it to work as a birth control method. It's to get your cycle regulated and stuff...

When I was engaged, I went on it about 9 months before the wedding was supposed to take place - and that was because I was going to Africa, and to places where there were no toilets - 'skipping' was an EXCELLENT idea for that time

Hope this explains why to the person who asked the question,

Sasch

 

[JVD]

every 'artificial' form of birth control has to be taken at least 2 months prior to the time you start having intercourse

Shows you how far out of it I am... I'm sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion!

 

[Melody Joy]

My fiance and I are not sexually active. I wanted to go on birth control several months before the wedding to get it going. Also wanted to skip my period that month. Not sure how the timing is gonna work out with out it. But we decided together that I won't be using any hormonal birth control forms.
I love my fiance very much and pray that I can continue to be near to God and listen to what he's telling me and not letting my past or my fears control me!