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End of the Third Wheel

Discussion in 'Singles (Only*)' started by Messerve, Jul 20, 2019.

  1. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    So, I'm probably just very slow to learn things... But today I was feeling lonely about being single again. My best friend spent the day with his wife and baby and the neighbor and his wife were gone all day too. The thought occurred to me that they might have all been spending the day together, since my friend and the husband next door work together. And it makes sense, because they're all on the same page for the most part.

    Then I thought about myself and how I'm still single and began to wonder why my married friend even asks me to hang out still, now that this other couple has moved into the area. And I began to think, that's probably why I was just sitting around home all day whereas they were all gone all day...

    Sometimes I'm tempted to just tell my friend "You know what? Don't feel obligated to do things with me anymore. I know we're not on the same page any longer and you have this nice couple who is. So just forget about me and move on with life." But I don't dare say that because he very well might just agree to it, which isn't really what I want.

    I sometimes hear about marriage and having children as being the "great equalizer". Well, for those of us who are left behind, it's the exact opposite. Suddenly someone you could share everything with and relate with has changed forever and has all kinds of experiences you know nothing about. There's still common ground, but until you get married or have children you will always be the odd third person and very possibly not the first choice for doing fun things together.

    There is no such thing as a "great equalizer" on earth. The Church included. The great equalization will only happen when we are all in Heaven and there is no longer relational separations caused by marriages or new children.

    As a kid I used to think it was very harsh of God to remove the marital status of believers in Heaven. I didn't like to think of my mom and dad just being friends... But now I actually see it as one more reason to look forward to Heaven - when friendships can go on uninterrupted and there will no longer be a such a thing as a "third wheel".

    I should have probably realized this a long time ago, but then being single didn't ever bother me until I started noticing more gray hairs...:sigh:^_^
     
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  2. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    There was a time when I had many married friends. But one day I realized we had little in common. We were in different seasons of life. I needed to be in the company of others like myself.

    So I sought entrepreneurs, nomadic travelers, and others who shared my interests. It wasn’t wholly related to singleness but a desire to be with others living out their passions fully. That’s made a world of difference.

    Our conversations are uplifting and inspirational. You have challenges but they aren’t the central topic. Because life is full and abundant. You don’t have time to focus on what’s lacking because you’re milking every minute of it.

    There’s a notion of finding your people or finding your tribe and I think its true.
     
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  3. devin553344

    devin553344 Enlighten our lives dear Lord

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    I tried out marriage for 8 years, and after the pain of the divorce, I'll probably just remain single now. Sure marriage is great but it's also risky too. I also don't believe in marriage in heaven. I see us being like the angels and serving God all on common ground.

    BTW I wouldn't tell you friend to move on, you might hurt their feelings. I have a friend who's married and he still talks to me. And he also needs friends outside of the marriage. People go crazy in marriage without friends.
     
  4. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    You saught out people who were living life and didn't need a spouse to do it.

    Excellent idea!
     
  5. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    Thank you. There are single and married people living amazing lives. You have to get outside of comfort zone to find them.

    But you already know that. ;-)
     
  6. THE W

    THE W AFRIKANB0T

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    One can exist in the comfort zone, but can only truly live outside of it.
     
  7. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    That’s true. The more I stretch the happier I become. There’s so much to do, see and learn. I don’t want to miss out.
     
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  8. kittysbecute

    kittysbecute Jedi Apprentice

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    I enjoy having my married friends and my singles friends. I am thankful for them.
    When my married friends hung out with other married couples I was happy for them to have that fellowship. I guess it helps that I learned at a young age to be supportive and happy for my friends other friendships, even when I didn't share those same friendships. So, it’s easy to let go of that. Knowing our friendship will still be there regardless.
    Some friends fade over time for different reasons, but don’t give up your friendships you value just because they have other friendships.
    Anyways, just my opinion.
     
  9. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    I don't want to give up the friendship. It really means a lot to me, and even more in a way because he still wants to spend time with me once in awhile despite having a family and plenty of married friends.

    Yet, maybe it's just me, but sometimes it feels like an elephant in the room that no one talks about. My friend does things like playing a song where the guy is singing "I need a girl, I need a girl..." And then my friend says "That's a good song." I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to take those things as a hint. ^_^

    To push the elephant out of the room a little, I try to keep my friend up to date about my latest weak, failed attempt at finding a girl. But I have also told him that I didn't think being single was really so bad either. AND, what really helps is that he was single himself for a long time until now so I think he kind of gets it, too.

    Nonetheless, there are still days like yesterday when, as my childless sister put it, it's like I'm watching a great celebration through a window but not invited to come inside...
     
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  10. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    I can agree with these sentiments completely. Yet, because I treasure my friends, married or not, I fear that pursuing everything I want and only spending time with likeminded people will come at the cost of those treasured relationships.

    I could be wrong, though... I recently flew across the country without telling any of my friends. And when I shared photos of my trip afterwards, they all seemed happy for me and even seemed to want to spend time with me more.
     
  11. devin553344

    devin553344 Enlighten our lives dear Lord

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    My Father does that to me, but I can't de-friend him since he's my Dad. I don't think he understands that I just don't want the complication of relationships right now.

    I kinda understand what your saying about watching the great celebration and not being invited since I'm partially disabled and see non-disabled people in a different light.
     
  12. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, I try to keep myself in check and make sure I don't become jealous. Because, really, I'm very happy for my friend. I'm sure his parents thought he'd never have a wife or kid because it took so long for him to settle down. And I'm happy he has other couples and married guys with whom he can now have some comraderie (my preferred spelling).

    But I've never had many friends to begin with. And I always wanted an older brother (I was the oldest, so that didn't work out really!). And that's basically what he became to me, so I hold onto that special relationship very tightly sometimes. I always have to remind myself to open up my hand and let God do what He wills in His much greater wisdom. He has been faithful up to now preserving this friendship in really amazing ways, so I need to just let my fears go and let Him work.
     
  13. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

    +2,839
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    It’s a matter of personal preference. :)

    I enjoy the company of people whose lifestyle and interests complement my own. Whether that pertains to business, travel, hobbies, or mutual goals. Having people in my inner circle who speak my language and are genuinely supportive means a lot. I don’t want to be the lone one doing this or that. I value the ability to share those experiences with others and celebrate theirs in turn.
     
  14. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I totally understand. It's exhilarating to be around like minded people with similar goals. Actually, despite our marital situations, my friend and I are very like minded and I love spending time with him because, unlike virtually everyone I work with and many family members, we just "get" each other. We laugh at each other's jokes and have visited the same foreign countries even. Sometimes I feel awkward because when I'm with he and his wife, I'm always laughing at his jokes and his wife is just annoyed and rolling her eyes the whole time. ^_^ And we do support each other a lot. I do wish I could share my passion for writing music, which he doesn't do, but he did ask me to play for him one time.
     
  15. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    I’m a young empty nester. That has its challenges. ;-)

    I read a book a couple of years ago. There was a nugget that addressed the importance of intentional connections. The author noted the unlikelihood you’d find everything in one person. I made a list of the qualities I desired and started praying.

    Some of it was spiritual, practical, or business-related. Once the list was done it was clear what I lacked. It was an important exercise. I began to look at opportunities to foster new relationships differently.

    The circles enabled me to dive deep on subjects where everyone is equally passionate about learning and sharing what we know. Being on one accord is really important to me. I’m not expecting or offended when someone doesn’t share an interest. I can link up with others who do.

    There’s a shared ethos and spirit that’s common throughout. These are the people I can invite to a dinner party I’m hosting. Or enjoy a weekend getaway in each other’s company. And help one another in our business ventures. Its true intimacy without reserve. That’s what I needed most.

    Are you connected with other songwriters?
     
  16. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    I made a list of the qualities I'd want in a wife one time - talents, personality, sense of humor, etc. Then I read it all and realized I had basically described myself... That was the moment I realized maybe I was destined to be single the rest of my life. :scratch:

    I'm an introvert, so creating a circle of friends is like something from a fairytale. I don't think I'd even want that many people to know me intimately. It would be so emotionally exhausting. I used to feel physically sick if a friend asked me a lot of questions about my personal life. I'm better about that now, anyway.

    I have attempted to connect with other songwriters, but I struggle to start at the beginning. Like, I literally just go to some big name artists and try to strike up a conversation through social media, which of course goes nowhere. But I'm always hoping maybe for some reason they'll respond to me.

    Also, so many songwriters are kind of selfish, to be honest. They don't mind talking to you about their music, but actually collaborating with you or anything? They only do that if they plan on selling the song and taking all the credit for it. Happened to my brother... :|
     
  17. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) a social experiment

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    *Blindpost* Does the original poster have any of his music available to listen to online somewhere?
     
  18. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    LOL. I once met someone like me. He loved fashion too. I had him take the Enneagram test. We had the same result. I’m hoping for that!

    I understand. I’m an extrovert but daily contact would be too much. I start feeling like a therapist.

    Most have someone who manages their social media. That approach can be challenging.

    Oftentimes you have spend money to connect with serious people in your niche through memberships, subscriptions or private groups. A mastermind works well too.

    One of my groups is really generous. We share and help one another.out. The course fee is steep but worth the investment.

    Have you tried connecting with Christian songwriters? Maybe you should start a thread on the site.
     
  19. Messerve

    Messerve Well-Known Member

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    I'm pretty sure we're not supposed to promote our own music on this site... Some do anyway. I shared the lyrics and link of one awhile ago, but that's all so far. If anyone is interested, I can always send a link through PM.
     
  20. LaBèlla

    LaBèlla His little lady

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    No, I meant a thread to connect with other songwriters. There’s probably others on the site. :)
     
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