Encourage or Discourage?

[DZoolander]

We've had several talks on here before about young people getting married - so this is going to be kind of along those lines. But - hopefully a little different?

Anyhow - one thing about being an "older parent" is that I have lots of friends that had children at younger ages...like in their late teens, early 20's. As a result - they have children that are in their early 20's now. Every now and then on FB I see some old friend of mine whose child is getting engaged/planning to get married/etc...and I kind of wonder...

Would I encourage my child to do that - or would I discourage them?

My gut feeling is that if my daughter was 19-20 years old, either just starting out in college and/or was a sophomore, I wouldn't encourage it. I wouldn't flat out tell her not to do it - but I'd want her to take a step back and wait a few years. How exactly to go about doing that effectively, I'm not sure.

Would you be happy with that if it were your kid?

 

[Shane R]

Your post assumes several things. You assume that a 19-20 year old is not quite mature. I agree in most cases. You assume that college education is the best, or only realistic path, for development. In this I disagree.

If I had a child aged 19-20 I would weigh the merits of their relationship on their maturity and their potential spouse's maturity. If they could realistically start a family I would give my blessing. If I do not give my blessing it is ultimately their burden to bear.

 

[bluegreysky]

Well, I'm a kid.

I'm not as much of a kid as my friends at church, though. They married between ages 20-23. I just married just now at 26.
But I knew him since I was 21.
We fell in love and it was a whirlwind summer and by fall we were already thinking we'd like to get married soon..maybe first thing the next spring. (we met in 2009, that would have been early 2010.) By spring 2010, we would have only known eachother 10 months.
Of course my parents and his parents and the more mature adults I knew at the time didn't think that was a good idea.
So we slow waaayyyy down.
Then we actually set a wedding date and started announcing it to family. IT would have been oct. 2012. we set that date in summer 2011, knowing eachother 2 years. sounds right?
nope. We were still only 23 and my family knew it was still too soon.
By oct 2012 we'd have known each other 3 years and we'd be 25!
that couldn't be too soon!
everyone else was doing it.
Well, we weren't everyone else.
He had alot of problems to work through.
So did I.
So we broke up instead.
We got back together in fall 2012.
We married this summer, 2014.
NOW it was God's timing.
Had we married in 2011 or 2012 with all those unresolved issues,
we wouldn't be married now.
In summer 2011, before our breakup that fall,
we were heading the way of all the couples that don't make it.
We were arguing, blaming each other, being selfish, not seeking God.
He was overly medicated. I was overly codependent.
I'm glad God timed it in 2014 not earlier. We were sorted out by then.
Now I see it, now that I'm nearly 27.
Did I see it when I was 22?
NO. I was mad at my family and we were planning to run away and elope.

 

[ValleyGal]

When I was 19 I had been with the same guy for more than 2 years already and I was fairly mature. We had talked about marriage, but my dad was not on board.

Now my son is 20, he has never dated, but he is lonely. I pray often that he is able to find a wife who is suitable for him. If he were in a situation at 20 where he'd been dating the same gal for a couple of years or more, I'd probably encourage marriage if I figured she was a good match.

When people marry young, I think one of two things can happen: they can either grow up together and towards each other, or they can grow up resenting the fact they married young and maybe "missed out" on some dating around, playing the field, traveling, etc.

 

[DZoolander]

Well - where I get hung up is on the idea that if you're going to be making what's supposed to be a lifetime commitment - you should have an idea of what that means (on so many different levels.). In my view - I don't care how "mature" you may be for your age...nobody at that age grasps those concepts.

I don't think you can at just a couple of years (at best) out of high school.

Heck - I'm in my 40s and I think that maybe I kinda have a concept of it now.

There's a lot to be said for spending a fair amount of time as a young adult by yourself, unencumbered by a relationship, so you can figure out what makes you tick in order to make informed consent when the time comes. VG talks about resentment brewing... I agree - although I think often the resentment is based more in the realization that who you were at 19 ain't who you are at 30 or 40 - and what do you do then when the obligations you made as a naive child aren't what you would choose now as a matured adult.

Ya know?

 

[Inkachu]

I'd discourage it. From personal experience, from observation, and just from plain old common sense, I do not think teenagers should be getting married. Ever.

 

[bluegreysky]

Sometimes I wonder if I am STILL too young.
For this particular guy and our particular set of problems,
maybe I still jumped in without full knowledge of what I was
getting into.

 

[ValleyGal]

Who you are at 20 is definitely different from who you will be at 40. But that does not mean marriage should be off the table. I know a lot of people who married young like that and because they deliberately grew together as individuals and as a couple, they are still together, happily married and more in love than ever before, but with a mature love.

Not grasping how long a lifetime is, isn't the issue. Most 40 year olds don't even know how long is a lifetime. It could be as short as tomorrow, or it could be a hundred years....we don't know. And there are some very young people who have a remarkable grasp of what a lifetime really is. I just turned 50, and according to my doctor, I'm right where I should be (in body)...everything is completely normal and average for any woman my age. If that is true, and my life expectancy is 89, then I have another 39 years left. When I think about the first 39 years of my life....oooh! what a long time! Can I picture myself at 89? No. Can I picture my marriage at 89? No, but I sure am looking forward to growing old with my IDay. I'm not looking forward to growing old, but if I have to do it, I want it to be with him. The point is, even at my age, I can't really imagine a "lifetime" but I absolutely can imagine being with IDay for it.

Not only that, but I don't think many people at all marry with the intent of getting divorced. Divorce is not inevitable just because people marry young, but no matter what age, it is a possibility.

And resentment does not have to set in. This is the work marriage takes. It takes mental and emotional engagement to make the marriage work. Not allowing resentment to set in is absolutely something young people can learn. They can be deliberate about turning toward each other, being trustworthy and trusting, etc. This is the work...and when two young people grow together in this way throughout their lives, an amazing thing happens....they become one. But for two people who allow resentment, they are already not one, even if they are still married....and this can all happen in any marriage, no matter how old anyone is.

 

[Odetta]

I'd discourage it as well. When I think back to who I was dating at 19/20, oh my word, my life would be a disaster by now. And I say that even though I have several friends who married that young and have great marriages.

Although, I guess it really depends on how well the child in question really knows him or herself, and how well they can make decisions.

 

[DZoolander]

as a tangent - I really detest the word "mature" - and how it's used.

I mean - how exactly do you measure "maturity"? Against the preferences of your peers? Against some arbitrary line as gauged by your preference of "fun" vs. "serious" behaviors? By your ability to handle bills?

That's the kind of stuff I see people throwing about (especially "young" people) when they start talking about their own "maturity"...and I'd argue that none of that really addresses the life-skill-set required to handle a life-long relationship. True - some of them are components (like the bill paying/etc) - but the ability to put things into context - to understand how time relates to disagreements - how feelings evolve over time - etc...those are things that are only borne from experience (IMHO).

...and experience is the one thing that a 19 year old is just by definition (and therefore necessity) lacking.

 

[Inkachu]

I'd define "maturity" in regards to young people wanting to get married as... them going into the situation with the full commitment, intention, and life skills necessary to stay married to that person for the rest of their lives.

And very, very, very few 18-21 year old's have that.

 

[Hetta]

We've had several talks on here before about young people getting married - so this is going to be kind of along those lines. But - hopefully a little different?

Anyhow - one thing about being an "older parent" is that I have lots of friends that had children at younger ages...like in their late teens, early 20's. As a result - they have children that are in their early 20's now. Every now and then on FB I see some old friend of mine whose child is getting engaged/planning to get married/etc...and I kind of wonder...

Would I encourage my child to do that - or would I discourage them?

My gut feeling is that if my daughter was 19-20 years old, either just starting out in college and/or was a sophomore, I wouldn't encourage it. I wouldn't flat out tell her not to do it - but I'd want her to take a step back and wait a few years. How exactly to go about doing that effectively, I'm not sure.

Would you be happy with that if it were your kid?

Ha. As my 22yo will be getting married next year - when he is 23 - that is a good question. I am torn on the topic. My 18yo who talks about getting married in 3 years seems to be on a better basis than the eldest kid. There is more maturity in that younger kid and a better relationship with the SO. With the elder kid, there are issues with the future wife that I have gone into in the past - at length - so I won't again. She seems to have improved lately, perhaps because she's getting what she has really wanted, which is to be his wife, so anyway. In his case, when they broke up earlier this year, I was delighted. I wanted him to spend his early 20s being a single guy. This does NOT mean that I wanted him to sleep around and find out what he had been missing, but I would have liked him to socialize with other guys and girls and just figure out whether this girl is really 'the one' or just a habit he has gotten into. Anyway, now she will be our DIL, we are doing our best to adjust and to love her where she is right now, and hope that these changes are permanent. Sorry, I kind of wandered off there for a moment.

I am stunned that these two kids of ours are so determined that they will marry the person who has been their first serious partner. Again, I wasn't wanting them to play the field, it's just a very unexpected outcome and I'm still trying to figure out why it has worked this way when they are very different personalities. Perhaps they just did meet the right person for them.

Regardless, I wouldn't stand in their way - not unless I could see a huge, HUGE problem ahead, and even then, with the eldest kid's GF, it hasn't actually made any difference to his intentions. At the end of the day, they are adults and I have to respect their wishes.

 

[mkgal1]

It sure helps (I think) to not be one that got married young, if that's going to be what's discouraged.

We have some friends that got married prior to turning 20....and their parents had done the same thing. It really seemed to turn into a generational thing, because their daughter ended up getting married young as well. Their daughter also lost custody of her children---and they raised her oldest daughter (their granddaughter). They (the grandparents/custodial guardian) always mentioned how God kept them together through the years and through the tough times.

Well...now that grandchild that they raised is only 18 and is engaged to get married to another 18 year old. They had a bit of a family pow-wow with the mother, grandmother/grandfather that raised her, and her great grandma who was married for 60 years before her husband passed away. It was pretty difficult for them to oppose the upcoming marriage as the rebuttal was, "but we're going to rely on God to sustain us---that's how you all made it (and all of you made it ....haven't divorced, and got married this young). We know it's going to be tough---but we'll start off knowing that right up front."

Some times our words have a way of coming back to bite us.

 

[LinkH]

Well - where I get hung up is on the idea that if you're going to be making what's supposed to be a lifetime commitment - you should have an idea of what that means (on so many different levels.). In my view - I don't care how "mature" you may be for your age...nobody at that age grasps those concepts.

I don't think you can at just a couple of years (at best) out of high school.

I think I had a handle on what 'lifetime commitment' means by middle school. But you don't know what it's going to be like until you experience it. That's true for young and old.

As far as your questions in your OP are concerned, my girls are still small. I've got an idea of how the oldest one will be. But if one of my younger ones isn't all that academically inclined and doesn't want to go to college, that's fine with me. Let's say she wants to get married at 19. If the man who wants to marry her is a godly man, emotionally stable, a hard worker, able to support her, the non-adulterous type who doesn't have a problem with his temper, I could see myself supporting that. I wouldn't support it if he had the attitude, "Well, if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce."

I'm thinking of a young woman about that age now who seems to be open to temptation whose parents married her off. It seems to make sense for her to marry.

The Bible says 'It is better to marry than to burn' and that marriage is to prevent fornication. So I see that as a case for relatively young marriage.

I have a son, too, and I can see a reason for a young man to marry young based on the temptation issue. But the other issue is that he needs to be able to support a family. I would be fine with one of the girls marrying a really good husband at a younger age if he could support his wife. But I want my son to be able to support his wife. That's hard at 19. If his dad is a real estate agent or appraiser or runs a small business or one of those other lines of work that doesn't require 4 years of college or several years of trade school to get a young man earning a liveable income, then young marriage may make sense.

But if they marry young, they do need to have a solid idea of what marriage is about, some skills at handling conflict, and a clear understanding of roles and responsibilities in marriage. The latter can make up for the lack of development of some of the other skills. It is also helpful to have a good emotional support network, family, friends, and church people they can talk to about marriage problems and get advice.

Especially for those who marry young, it can be a good thing if the young people get a lot of help from parents or wiser older adults in choosing a good match. In cultures where people marry really young, the parents often set them up or have some influence on the decision. There are men at 30 who can't spot red flags on a potential wife, and women at 30 who can't spot red flags on a potential husband. It can be even worse for the young.

But plenty of us have ancestors that married at 16, 17, or 18 years old back when most people were farmers and wanted to make a lot of babies to work the farm, and a lot of those marriages lasted a long time.

 

[Hetta]

whose parents married her off

Hard to imagine in the 21st century that human beings can be "married off" against their will.

 

[.chrys.]

I married at 22 and have a daughter now who is 22.
I was too young, but I don't think my daughter would be.

I wouldn't encourage her or discourage her either way. Instead, I'd converse with her and help her see all the pro's and con's I could think of and then I'd support her in whatever decision she made.

 

[LinkH]

Hard to imagine in the 21st century that human beings can be "married off" against their will.

I have no reason to think it was against her will. But they are Asians and probably think in terms of marrying their daughter off.

 

[akmom]

At what point would you feel comfortable with your children marrying, Ezoo?

I'm looking at your icons and recalling you have a 3-year-old, and just doing some math it looks like you became a parent at 41. While that may be a possibility for you, I'm sure you know that most women cannot bear children at that age. It seems that 42 is the upper range for child-bearing, with the occasional exception into the mid-40s. But just biologically speaking, women are advised to have all of their children by age 35. So if you wanted to have a few children, spaced a few years apart, after at least a few years of marriage with just the two of you, a woman is looking at her late 20s (possibly early 30s if a smaller family is desired) as the latest in terms of marriage.

Sure, there's maturity with age, but where do you draw the line? Before high school graduation, obviously the prospects are pretty bleak. Right after graduation, it's not great. Right after college (22ish), it gets promising. If you wait a year or so, you have a decent chance at a good job (24ish), and still young enough to start a family or wait awhile. So is that when a couple should marry? Maybe.

I got married young (21), but I still cringe when other people do! I know a lot of my graduating class married their high school sweethearts (so did I), but success is hard to quantify, so I actually went through my Facebook friend list (which pretty much includes my whole graduating class) and counted. It's been 12 years. Eleven are still married, four are divorced, and one divorced but remarried each other. That is not including any marriages precipitated by a pregnancy.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - the men in my family have a history of having kids later in life.. I had my first one at 41, my dad had me when he was 45, his dad had him in his 40's as well, etc. It's weird for me to think that there's an 89 year difference between my dad's date of birth and our newest baby's.

...and I'm not really a fan of that either (for my having children...it just kinda happened that way). My dad never got to meet his two grandchildren by me. There's a very decent possibility that I might not meet my own grandchildren, depending on how my children do things, etc.

But - while I don't know if my way (waiting until you're comparatively really old) to begin having children, get married, etc. is the best - I also think the other end of the spectrum of getting married really young is just asking for (easily avoidable) trouble.

If I had my ideal world (lol - like that'll happen...and that it works that way!) - I'd like my children to wait until they're at least around 24-25 before starting to contemplate marriage. To me that's an age where you're still pretty young - but you've at least got a fair amount of experience behind your back to at least conceive of what a lifetime commitment means/etc.