When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~ Helen Keller
Last June I wrote this post about two type of people who never get over it. I’ve had email recently that brought up this post and I’m reposting it with some edits.
Who doesn’t “get over” it?
The first type is the person who refuses to acknowledge that they had a loss or refuses to do any work that they need to do on themselves. They repress all the hurt and anger and go on to repeat the same mistakes over and over again with the same type of people. They might do some emoting in the beginning but they either go on as if nothing happened or stay stuck in a surface malaise. Nothing is really bad but nothing is really good either. They are maintaining and life is not about maintaining. Life is about living.
The next type who never get over it are those who get stuck in the emotional mud and never seem to get out of it. What they don’t realize is that although processing your feelings results in healing and cleansing, at some point you need to decide to get on with your life. People get stuck in the emotional. They become used to feeling bad, wanting others to feel sorry for them and generally unable to get past it or move on. What they don’t understand is that even though you haven’t done ALL the work, you’ve done the bulk of it and even though you still feel bad to some degree, you need to make a decision to move on with things.
OR
Are you still worrying about what the ex is doing and thinking and you won’t ALLOW your grief because the ex is happy and you’re not.
STAY OUT OF THE EX’S HEAD AND THE EX’S LIFE. Otherwise you are going to be STUCK in your stuff!!!
Although we are working through the emotions and taking active steps to work through the unfinished business of the past there is another important piece of the puzzle. That is the decision to move on. The decision MUST be made to grieve and the decison MUST be made to move on. From wherever you are, you need to be honest if you’re stuck or not.
You need to do your grieving, your emotional bloodletting WITHOUT comparing yourself to your ex or what your ex is or is not doing.
You must give yourself time to feel as bad as you really feel, but you can’t stay there forever.
You need to do the Relationship Inventory. You need to see in writing what it was and let it go. The purpose of the Relationship Inventory is so that you can review it, say what you need to say, bury it and move on.
Then you MUST, MUST, MUST make a DECISION, a cognitive, affirmative decision to LET IT GO. It’s a matter of self-discipline, self-respect and self-affirmation. In order to get where you are going, you must let go of where you have been.
There is a time in the middle of obsessing about your ex when you need to turn to YOUR STUFF and do YOUR work. Then there is a time in the middle of all your work when it becomes necessary to decide that it’s time to move on. You’re done crying, done walking the floors, done moping around. You’ve reviewed it ad nauseum. You’ve had every emotional reaction that there is to have.
It’s time to begin to recognize that you have changed, that the memories don’t quite sting anymore and we don’t want to be a victim of our hurt anymore. We don’t want to live in the past anymore.
It’s a decision. A day that comes when you realize it’s time to move on. If you haven’t cried your tears, cry them.
If you HAVE cried your tears, walked the floor, written it all out, talked to friends and/or therapists, and if you are STILL caught up in it, you have to make a decision to turn the page and turn it now. Living life is a decision. Decide to do WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO MOVE ON and then do it. YOU CAN DO IT.
