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Emotional Affairs

Discussion in 'Requests for Christian Advice' started by Jolene576, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Jolene576

    Jolene576 New Member

    2
    +0
    United States
    SDA
    Married
    My husband has had emotional affairs during our marriage and has physically cheated once during the dating time while in a serious committed relationship (which was disclosed to the me 9 years into our marriage). While he says he's never crossed the line physically during the marriage, there has been a series of lies associated with the emotional affairs that have been verified, making it difficult for me to believe him.

    We have been married for almost 12 years. About a year into the marriage, my husband's ex-girlfriend starting calling our house. She had recently moved to the US. He said she didn't know anyone and she felt lonely and sad. I didn’t think much of it and he didn't seem to be trying to hide it at all. He eventually admitted he thought she was getting attached to him and I told him it would be best to end the friendship and not lead her on anymore.
    Then about a year later, my husband went to a foreign country for research. He was there for two months. While there, he met a girl who was going through a rough time. She was a single mom who's husband had just left her. He spent time with her, walking with her after his soccer games and spending time on her porch talking to her, although he says there were people around during these times. The last night he was there she came and offered him "something to remember her by" and she wanted to give it to him in his room. He said he refused to let her in and she hung around for about 45 minutes until he final convinced her to leave. He walked her to the gate and then went to kiss her on the cheek (customary), and she turned her head and their mouths met halfway across the lips. He said that was all that happened. Later, I found a letter from the girl. It was in Spanish. I asked my husband why he was saving it and he said it wasn’t important so I asked him to throw it away. He refused. I asked if he would read it to me and tell me what it said (I don't speak Spanish). He refused and a fight ensued. He tore up the letter and threw it in the trash.

    Six years later (8 years into the marriage), my husband came to me and told me he has been messaging another ex-girlfriend on Facebook and that it's been going on for around about 4 or 5 weeks and that he let it go too far and they ended up telling each other they want to be with each other and that they are in love with each other. When she wanted to come see him, he decided he didn't want to be with her and so he decided to tell me.

    However, at the same time, he decided to also confess that while we were dating, he had had sex with another girl while doing research in another foreign country.
    I was devastated and hurt. I felt betrayed and that my trust was broken. I had a hard time looking at him the same way. After some time, I finally forgave him, and he promised it would never happen again. We reconciled. But it didn't really go away. My heart was still hurting but I felt I had to forgive him for his sake, because he was sad about it. I had to convince him to end communication with the ex-girlfriend. He did not want to stop talking to her.

    Three and half years later (11 years into the marriage), I found some communications on his Facebook messenger. He had started communicating with another girl he used to like. They had never actually dated, but on Facebook they were confessing their past feelings for each other and how he had wanted his parents to move to Florida so he could be with her (when he was 16). The conversation was very flirtatious and I was hurt. I felt that he was going down the same road again. I finally ended up telling him I had discovered the messages and initially he said he didn't do anything wrong, but then he apologized and said he wouldn't talk to this girl anymore. Then, 3 months later, he went to Florida on a ministry trip during New Years. He called me on New Years Eve and said "I have something to tell you, but you're not going to be happy about it". He then told me that the girl he had been talking to had contacted him and wanted to hang out with him for New Years Eve and that her family was there so it was going to be fine. I felt frustrated and hurt because he had told me he wouldn't talk to this other woman anymore, but I just ended up getting off the phone and didn't say much. He went and spent time with the other girl. However, when he got back I mentioned that I did not want him to continue a friendship with her and he said "No, I wouldn't do that". Then, 5 days later, I saw him on his phone and he kept smiling. I asked him what he was doing and he kept dismissing it and saying "nothing". Then another 5 days later, I logged onto his email account to check their Amazon Prime order and saw that he had changed his Facebook password on New Years Eve Day. I had had his other password and could access his account but had rarely logged in. I knew that my husband never likes to change passwords. And he had changed it on the day he was meeting up with this girl in Florida. I found it very suspicious. So I checked his Facebook account from his phone. I found out that he had never cut off communication with the girl from Florida. He wasn't having long intimate emails with her but that he had kept in contact. She had come here in November and he had called her but she had missed the call. They didn't meet. Then, the day before New Years Eve, he had a text exchange with her and then deleted it. He then changed his password and initiated arrangements to meet up with her. The conversations were still flirtatious. Then, on that one night that he had been smiling, I realized it was because he was talking to the other girl on messenger. They were discussing how they felt and what they were thinking when they were hanging out. It was a very flirtatious conversation and at one point he said,
    "Even though I told my wife, I was still wondering, 'What if?'"
    She said, "What if what?"
    He said, "You know, I've never been around someone I used to like before, so.....What if?.... You know, What if?"
    She said, "I'm not sure what you mean by 'What if'".
    He said, "Well, maybe we can come back to that later."
    He then went on to tell her what a great friend she was and that it was hard to find friends like her. In opposition to what he had told me about not continuing the friendship.

    When I confronted him, he answered with several lies that were verified as untrue by the text messages. He has continued to lie and change the details of the stories to benefit himself. I feel I can no longer trust him and I feel crushed by these emotional relationships outside of our marriage. I feel the marriage commitment to “forsake all others” has been broken. He said he never had feelings for these women but I have seen from the messages that he was the pursuer and that he was instigating and pursuing the connection with these other women. In the past he had claimed that these other women had pursued him, but from the recent evidence, it appears that this is not the case.

    I am not opposed to him having mutual female friends. However, considering the inappropriate nature of the initial conversation with this recent girl, I felt that continuing this connection would be traveling the same path, especially since the conversation was not platonic but flirtatious. He also admitted at one point that he realized it was heading in the same direction as the previous problem with the ex girlfriend, but had still continued it when the girl from Florida contacted him. So, though he was convicted he was doing the same thing, he continued anyway.

    What should I do? I want a divorce. Is that too extreme? I feel I can't trust him anymore.
     
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  2. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,053
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Oooooh.
    I dont know how you put up with all this.
    If he wants to leave, yes give him the option. God doesnt want you in bondage to a man who doesnt cherish you.
     
  3. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,053
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Do you have children from this marriage? If you do doesnt your husband care what a bad example hes setting for them. If you dont it will be easier to let him go.
     
  4. Jolene576

    Jolene576 New Member

    2
    +0
    United States
    SDA
    Married
    My husband told me he's sorry and he wants to fix things and that he'll never do it again, but it's hard for me to believe because he said that last time. He promised that it would never happen again. He promised he wouldn't continue things with this most recent girl. Yet, he did. I do have two children, 5 and 8, and I do worry about the example he is setting and the example or standard that I will set for them if I stay. His father has done the same to his mother for 37 years and yet she has chosen to stay and look the other way. Now, I see the results in my husbands life. In fact, when his father found out about everything, he told my husband, "If you're gonna be a player, be a smart player. Don't let your wife find out."
     
  5. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    +3,595
    Christian
    Married
    Have you been to marriage counseling? Ask him to go with you. I would be very real and honest with him and tell him that you won't allow that behavior around your children and that you want a better marriage with him. He may not choose to seek help, but if he says he wants to fix things then you need to insist on marriage counseling. If he chooses not to do this, you then need to go to counseling by yourself so you can have someone praying with you and giving you Godly wisdom for your situation.
     
  6. RaymondG

    RaymondG Well-Known Member

    +3,396
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Make the decision that you would want him to make if the situation was reversed.
     
  7. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,269
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Truly, I'm so sorry your marriage has been like it is, I'm so sorry your efforts to keep the marriage together hasn't worked out favorably.

    You come across as very caring and it be clear that you love your husband and want the children to have both their parents under the same roof.

    However, the fact that he's still continuing to be unfaithful to the wedding vows and has practiced deception for nigh on 12 years of marriage speaks pretty loud
    don't you think?

    You say his mom has forgiven/and or overlooked his dad's affairs for
    37 years... is this the fate you desire for yourself?


    Dear lady, you already know what to do...but will you do it?


     
  8. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,053
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Horrible. Call a family meeting.

    Do you have your marriage certificate and wedding photos, lay it on the table.

    The thing is if hes an unbeliever he is the one that can choose to go, you arent going anywhere. The righteous will stand, and he cant take your children away. I see so many that seem to think they need to leave when its the other party thats in the wrong. No. Stand your ground.

    Tell your children that your husband doesnt know what being faithful means. That he needs to learn. You arent going to look the other way...you are just giving him the option.

    Who is the minister that married you both. You need to call this person and ask for help and counsel. They witnessed you and your vows.

    Your husband needs to get right with God first.

    If this behaviour continues what Ive seen done is the wife changed all the locks on the house. Im not saying this is right thing to do but he will get the message if hes chosen to continue to lie to you.
     
  9. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,053
    Christian
    In Relationship
    1 corinthians 7

    You just ask him if he wants to leave. If he does then let him go, if he doesnt then you both need to work on your marriage.

    The thing is you are not ignorant. Why do men think if the wife doesnt know that its ok. You have the upperhand not him.

    Say in clear terms DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE? Not, are you seeing this or that girl. You already know this.
     
  10. lastofall

    lastofall Active Member

    341
    +178
    Christian
    Married
    I could not speak to you as spiritual, but only as carnal, because the entire letter was all worldly, with no mention of God or Christ, which even if He were mentioned it would still leave the entire letter as a secular minded matter. If we forgive, we shall be forgiven: apart from that the rest is of none effect.
     
  11. Goodbook

    Goodbook Reading the Bible

    +5,053
    Christian
    In Relationship
    Fb accounts are for juveniles. If you not married its fine but if you married you are one flesh, you make a couples account mr and mrs...whatever. Or ....family. You put pictures of your children up. You post pictures of you and your husband and children.

    If your husband dont have a wedding ring and doesnt wear it and its not obvious of course girls who are foolish may latch on to him. Ugh. Remind him he is married. To YOU.

    I used to have married men hit on me pretending they werent married at all. Or they claimed they were having problems with their wife(s). Whatever. I would try to be diplomatic and say to them I am not a counsellor. Go talk to your wife!
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
  12. mina

    mina Brown Eyed girl

    +3,595
    Christian
    Married
    Please do not bad mouth your husband to your small children . That only makes a bad situation worse. Keep teaching them what is right. Whenthey are old enough to understand , they will understand why you need to separate or whatever . Your husband has chosen what to show your children and what kind of relationship he has with them.
     
  13. Poppyseed78

    Poppyseed78 Well-Known Member Supporter

    +3,293
    Christian
    Married
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Have you tried marital counseling? In order to move on, you would have to forgive your husband, but he would have to be 100% honest and committed to never breaking your trust again. He would have to stop contact with all of these women. Since it's obvious he has a pattern of inappropriate friendships with women, I wouldn't feel comfortable with him ever having female friends again. He clearly doesn't maintain any boundaries.

    Has your husband apologized? Is he remorseful? Is he going to cut contact with all these women? If not, I would talk to a pastor or counselor and consider my options, including divorce.
     
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