- May 12, 2004
- 153
- 9
- 49
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
Hi Everybody!
I'm new to this site, and thought I'd start by introducing myself and sharing my story. I hope this is encouraging.
For those that have ears to listen, let them hear...my story.
"This is a mistake!" Were probably just some of the many words that came from the mouths of my mother and father, when they found out she was pregnant at age 19 - with me. They weren't married, and that, along with the stress and anxiety that comes with unwanted pregnancy, caused them to consider a way to "fix" the problem. I was nearly aborted.
Thankfully, they decided against it. Instead, they chose to have me, and get married!
My father came from a military background, and followed in his fathers footsteps. His upbringing was a difficult one. His dad constantly physically and verbally abused him. He lead a very destructive life. He always told me that the only reason he graduated High School was because they wanted him outta there! My dad is very intimidating. Not someone you'd like to cross on poor terms. Naturally, his lifestyle and behavior carried over into my fathers relationship with my mom, and even sometimes with us kids (I have a younger sister). This made for an interesting childhood.
My mother was born in Korea. She was left on the steps of the Holt Adoption Agency by her mother, when she was less than 2 years old. Since she was essentially abandoned, nobody knew her actual birthday. So, her adoption date became her birthday, and they added 2 years (since she was approximately 2 when adopted). My grandparents adopted her from the States, and she was brought to America.
My mom's childhood was probably more difficult than my fathers. Being raised in very small towns all her life, she was always the only Korean child in school. You can imagine the hurt that was imposed on her from the other kids, since she was such a minority. To make matters worse, her life at home reflected that of Cinderella's. She would wake up early to make her dad's lunch, cook breakfast for everyone (she also had 2 sisters), clean it all up, finish any homework, go to school, come home to cook dinner, clean up the dishes, sew her own clothes (working-class family), do her homework, then wake up to do the same thing all over again. I'm surprised she's become the incredible woman of integrity and love that she is. In my guesstimation, most people would be bitter.
Overall, my childhood wasn't quite comparable to the "Cleavers" (as if anyone's is?) - But I also believe it could've been much worse.
After 9 years of an unhealthy marriage, my parents divorced (I was 9, my kid sister was 5). That experience is unforgettable to say the least. We would stay up late, crying out for dad while my mom would hold us and rock us back and forth. Nothing but pain, depression, feelings of neglect and abandonment filled my young life at that time. With the separation of my parents also came the separation from our dog (cherished as a young boy), a move from our home, and a move from school and all the friends I grew up with. Divorce is ugly, and I understand firsthand why God says He hates it.
Growing up with my mom and sister wasn't easy, but I thank God for the experience. Today as an adult, I can appreciate everything my mom did to support and raise us. As a single mother (she has never re-married) raising two kids, she managed to eventually own a home again (4 bedrooms, in the richest County in the U.S.), start and own her own business, all the while instilling values that would build our character and keep us out of trouble...for the most part. My love and respect for my mother is incredible. She is an amazing woman of God.
When I was 16, during a phone call with my dad, he asked me to come live with him. As a young man, I realized I barely knew my dad. I wanted to change that, so I moved to Idaho. WOW! Talk about culture shock!
Idaho was an experience to say the least. In contrast to living in California, where I was very active in church, youth group, and being around my mothers influence; Idaho was everything opposite. A year after being there, my faith became less important to me, and girls became my new focus. I mustve made out with every cutie that came my way. It wasnt long before I found myself falling for a girl fast and furiously.
My new found love was the prelude to a few very hard years to follow. Unintentionally starting my life in the footsteps of my parents, I found out she was pregnant. I was 17 she was 16.
The events that would surround that situation are indescribable, and the timing couldnt have been worse. Her and I were constantly fighting, growing apart, and questioning our relationship. Two teenagers, trying to be adults, and living with the consequences. Times were not good.
It was so emotionally draining at such a young age, that around the time she was 6 months pregnant; she swallowed a bottle full of Amoxicillin pills. Her intention? Couldve been suicide - but she was studying to be a nurse and she probably knew Amoxicillin couldnt kill her. I tend to think it was her reactive way to get attention To scream out her feelings through a very significant and detrimental action.
I rushed her to the hospital, she went into coma, they pumped her stomach, discovered she was pregnant (it was obvious), and my life was spinning out of control. Heres the kicker: we had hidden her pregnancy from everybody up until this point! Her parents didnt know, my parents didnt know, nobody knew!
Needless to say, her parents found out the hard way from the doctors. A helicopter flew her to Boise where she could get better treatment. Meanwhile, I drove my car to clear my mind, and considered pulling the steering wheel, hard right.
In my life at that time, I believed that God was no-where. Looking back, I cant make the same claim with any sense of honesty. Although I had abandoned God, He obviously hadn't returned the favor.
Despite the pain, these poor choices, and all the circumstances (some I didnt even mention here); my son Jordan was born November 16, 1994, as a very healthy boy. It was truly, a miracle. Besides the incident I shared here, there are things that happened during those 9 months of her pregnancy that would nearly promise a child born with defects. It was frighteningly expected. Jordans middle name fittingly became Matthew, which means gift from the Lord. He really truly is. Jordan is the most giving, caring, fun-loving, kind-hearted young boy Ive ever met (Im partial, but still).
Unfortunately, my life wasn't well yet. The next 5 years following Jordans birth brought about something inside me that I will never forget. It tormented me, it wouldnt leave me alone, and it seriously haunted me throughout those years. I dont know of any other way to describe it than this: It was a very deep, very overwhelming, pain. My soul was grieving tremendously and I couldnt fix it. Finally, after over 5 years of struggling with this grief, I was freed.
I encountered God, for the first time in many years. I finally came to a point of brokenness that I never wanted to visit before. Through my pouring tears of pain, I began shouting at God, asking why and how long? Things have a history of happening to me while I drive I guess. But that night, in my anguish, my brokenness, and my deep pain, I felt the presence of God in such a way that I cant begin to express. I wish, so badly, that I could somehow share the experience with anyone that wanted it. That I could somehow take my experience, what it was like in that moment, and embody it in you.
Remember that place of brokenness I said I never wanted to visit before? I finally visited it that night. In all my tears, I cried out to God, and finally came into agreement with Him. I confessed, and said whatever it takes God however long I need to go through this Ill endure another 5 years if you want me to, as long as it makes me into the man you want me to be. In essence, I was dying...to live.
The pain was gone. Peace began to invade my being. God, was now-here.
Id love to say that my life has been nothing but rainbows and gumdrops ever since. No struggles, no temptations, no bad decisions, no pain. I cant say that by any measure. My life isnt perfect, but its been transformed into something extremely better than it ever was. Even though I've been a "believer" as far back as I remember, my relationship with God is so much deeper, so much stronger, and so much more fulfilling.
How do you summarize a life? How do you put into words, the feelings and experiences that one has during the course of their time? There is so much to learn about every person on this site. Everybody has their story. For what it's worth, my prayer for every one of you, is that you can experience real life. That you can live, rather than exist. That you can realize the full potential of your life, and live it without regret.
God values you. I value you. And Im thankful, that my parents sought after life for me rather than death.
In closing, I'd like to share the lyrics of a song that speak tremendously to my life. It's by a band called "Plumbline" and the song is called, "Devoted."
"Take my hands, let them reach
Through the thorns, serving those in need.
Take my feet, let them move
Undistracted, constantly with you.
All I am is all I can be, and all I can be is devoted.
Take my lips, let them speak
To the world of what you've done in me.
All I am is all I can be, and all I can be is devoted.
God you've promised me so many things,
All my needs and all my dreams,
You're an unseen friend in a busy crowd,
My heart cries out.
And hit the floor without a single word,
And I survey all that I don't deserve,
I must confess that I feel this way,
Or all rocks and trees will sing Your praise.
So I lose my way and I drop Your will,
And I curse Your name and yet You are still
Loving me, loving me, I can't understand why You're loving me.
Don't let me run away
Don't let me run away
Don't let me run away.
Take my life, let it be
Always, only for Thee...
Always, only."
God bless all of you,
=Veritas=
I'm new to this site, and thought I'd start by introducing myself and sharing my story. I hope this is encouraging.
For those that have ears to listen, let them hear...my story.
"This is a mistake!" Were probably just some of the many words that came from the mouths of my mother and father, when they found out she was pregnant at age 19 - with me. They weren't married, and that, along with the stress and anxiety that comes with unwanted pregnancy, caused them to consider a way to "fix" the problem. I was nearly aborted.
Thankfully, they decided against it. Instead, they chose to have me, and get married!
My father came from a military background, and followed in his fathers footsteps. His upbringing was a difficult one. His dad constantly physically and verbally abused him. He lead a very destructive life. He always told me that the only reason he graduated High School was because they wanted him outta there! My dad is very intimidating. Not someone you'd like to cross on poor terms. Naturally, his lifestyle and behavior carried over into my fathers relationship with my mom, and even sometimes with us kids (I have a younger sister). This made for an interesting childhood.
My mother was born in Korea. She was left on the steps of the Holt Adoption Agency by her mother, when she was less than 2 years old. Since she was essentially abandoned, nobody knew her actual birthday. So, her adoption date became her birthday, and they added 2 years (since she was approximately 2 when adopted). My grandparents adopted her from the States, and she was brought to America.
My mom's childhood was probably more difficult than my fathers. Being raised in very small towns all her life, she was always the only Korean child in school. You can imagine the hurt that was imposed on her from the other kids, since she was such a minority. To make matters worse, her life at home reflected that of Cinderella's. She would wake up early to make her dad's lunch, cook breakfast for everyone (she also had 2 sisters), clean it all up, finish any homework, go to school, come home to cook dinner, clean up the dishes, sew her own clothes (working-class family), do her homework, then wake up to do the same thing all over again. I'm surprised she's become the incredible woman of integrity and love that she is. In my guesstimation, most people would be bitter.
Overall, my childhood wasn't quite comparable to the "Cleavers" (as if anyone's is?) - But I also believe it could've been much worse.
After 9 years of an unhealthy marriage, my parents divorced (I was 9, my kid sister was 5). That experience is unforgettable to say the least. We would stay up late, crying out for dad while my mom would hold us and rock us back and forth. Nothing but pain, depression, feelings of neglect and abandonment filled my young life at that time. With the separation of my parents also came the separation from our dog (cherished as a young boy), a move from our home, and a move from school and all the friends I grew up with. Divorce is ugly, and I understand firsthand why God says He hates it.
Growing up with my mom and sister wasn't easy, but I thank God for the experience. Today as an adult, I can appreciate everything my mom did to support and raise us. As a single mother (she has never re-married) raising two kids, she managed to eventually own a home again (4 bedrooms, in the richest County in the U.S.), start and own her own business, all the while instilling values that would build our character and keep us out of trouble...for the most part. My love and respect for my mother is incredible. She is an amazing woman of God.
When I was 16, during a phone call with my dad, he asked me to come live with him. As a young man, I realized I barely knew my dad. I wanted to change that, so I moved to Idaho. WOW! Talk about culture shock!
Idaho was an experience to say the least. In contrast to living in California, where I was very active in church, youth group, and being around my mothers influence; Idaho was everything opposite. A year after being there, my faith became less important to me, and girls became my new focus. I mustve made out with every cutie that came my way. It wasnt long before I found myself falling for a girl fast and furiously.
My new found love was the prelude to a few very hard years to follow. Unintentionally starting my life in the footsteps of my parents, I found out she was pregnant. I was 17 she was 16.
The events that would surround that situation are indescribable, and the timing couldnt have been worse. Her and I were constantly fighting, growing apart, and questioning our relationship. Two teenagers, trying to be adults, and living with the consequences. Times were not good.
It was so emotionally draining at such a young age, that around the time she was 6 months pregnant; she swallowed a bottle full of Amoxicillin pills. Her intention? Couldve been suicide - but she was studying to be a nurse and she probably knew Amoxicillin couldnt kill her. I tend to think it was her reactive way to get attention To scream out her feelings through a very significant and detrimental action.
I rushed her to the hospital, she went into coma, they pumped her stomach, discovered she was pregnant (it was obvious), and my life was spinning out of control. Heres the kicker: we had hidden her pregnancy from everybody up until this point! Her parents didnt know, my parents didnt know, nobody knew!
Needless to say, her parents found out the hard way from the doctors. A helicopter flew her to Boise where she could get better treatment. Meanwhile, I drove my car to clear my mind, and considered pulling the steering wheel, hard right.
In my life at that time, I believed that God was no-where. Looking back, I cant make the same claim with any sense of honesty. Although I had abandoned God, He obviously hadn't returned the favor.
Despite the pain, these poor choices, and all the circumstances (some I didnt even mention here); my son Jordan was born November 16, 1994, as a very healthy boy. It was truly, a miracle. Besides the incident I shared here, there are things that happened during those 9 months of her pregnancy that would nearly promise a child born with defects. It was frighteningly expected. Jordans middle name fittingly became Matthew, which means gift from the Lord. He really truly is. Jordan is the most giving, caring, fun-loving, kind-hearted young boy Ive ever met (Im partial, but still).
Unfortunately, my life wasn't well yet. The next 5 years following Jordans birth brought about something inside me that I will never forget. It tormented me, it wouldnt leave me alone, and it seriously haunted me throughout those years. I dont know of any other way to describe it than this: It was a very deep, very overwhelming, pain. My soul was grieving tremendously and I couldnt fix it. Finally, after over 5 years of struggling with this grief, I was freed.
I encountered God, for the first time in many years. I finally came to a point of brokenness that I never wanted to visit before. Through my pouring tears of pain, I began shouting at God, asking why and how long? Things have a history of happening to me while I drive I guess. But that night, in my anguish, my brokenness, and my deep pain, I felt the presence of God in such a way that I cant begin to express. I wish, so badly, that I could somehow share the experience with anyone that wanted it. That I could somehow take my experience, what it was like in that moment, and embody it in you.
Remember that place of brokenness I said I never wanted to visit before? I finally visited it that night. In all my tears, I cried out to God, and finally came into agreement with Him. I confessed, and said whatever it takes God however long I need to go through this Ill endure another 5 years if you want me to, as long as it makes me into the man you want me to be. In essence, I was dying...to live.
The pain was gone. Peace began to invade my being. God, was now-here.
Id love to say that my life has been nothing but rainbows and gumdrops ever since. No struggles, no temptations, no bad decisions, no pain. I cant say that by any measure. My life isnt perfect, but its been transformed into something extremely better than it ever was. Even though I've been a "believer" as far back as I remember, my relationship with God is so much deeper, so much stronger, and so much more fulfilling.
How do you summarize a life? How do you put into words, the feelings and experiences that one has during the course of their time? There is so much to learn about every person on this site. Everybody has their story. For what it's worth, my prayer for every one of you, is that you can experience real life. That you can live, rather than exist. That you can realize the full potential of your life, and live it without regret.
God values you. I value you. And Im thankful, that my parents sought after life for me rather than death.
In closing, I'd like to share the lyrics of a song that speak tremendously to my life. It's by a band called "Plumbline" and the song is called, "Devoted."
"Take my hands, let them reach
Through the thorns, serving those in need.
Take my feet, let them move
Undistracted, constantly with you.
All I am is all I can be, and all I can be is devoted.
Take my lips, let them speak
To the world of what you've done in me.
All I am is all I can be, and all I can be is devoted.
God you've promised me so many things,
All my needs and all my dreams,
You're an unseen friend in a busy crowd,
My heart cries out.
And hit the floor without a single word,
And I survey all that I don't deserve,
I must confess that I feel this way,
Or all rocks and trees will sing Your praise.
So I lose my way and I drop Your will,
And I curse Your name and yet You are still
Loving me, loving me, I can't understand why You're loving me.
Don't let me run away
Don't let me run away
Don't let me run away.
Take my life, let it be
Always, only for Thee...
Always, only."
God bless all of you,
=Veritas=
