I totally agree that the abused has no part in the decision making process that causes the actual abuse. That's totally on the abuser.
...but there's a part of the equation that loses me.
Doesn't the victim bear some responsibility for remaining in a position to be abused again?
My dad was a criminal prosecutor - and he told me domestic situations (any kind - not just DV - but including DV) were the worst types of crimes to try and prosecute. It wasn't that he didn't want to prosecute the abusers/molesters/etc - or that the state went soft on sentencing on convictions - it's that the victims were often downright uncooperative and often acted contrary to their own best interests.
They'd file restraining orders - then break them themselves. They'd file charges claiming abuse - then change their stories and say they made them up. They were the ones that provided reasonable doubt for the juries - and made it difficult to prosecute. Long story short - it seemed the last thing they wanted was their abuser to be prosecuted - and they'd always come back for more.
As a DV responder - doesn't it really boil down to what eventually ends the abuse (if it ever does end) is that either the abused finally cooperates with the law and gets the abuser prosecuted - or they leave? Isn't that what it finally boils down to? That - or they continue to be abused?
Yes, that is frustrating for everyone. It is hard to understand, and its the mind boggling part of this dynamic.
Sadly, in the backs of the victims minds they feel that if they had done something RIGHT somewhere along the lines - the abuse never would have happened. Everything around them is coming crashing down, and in their minds over their one error. The kids miss Dad - that's their fault. The neighbors won't talk to them - or see them in the same way - that's their fault. The family members are feeling the stress of the circumstance, and tell the victim - its your fault. The abuser calls breaking the order, and reminds them they that MUST own their part in this...and they feel at fault.
The kids, family and abuser tend to place undue pressure on the victim to fix it, and make it right. Then do life the way they should - no errors from now on. The abuser will have visitation, and will work them to work on the victim. Daddy loves Mommie, and he hit her because she asked for it. yet, he is sorry now and still wants to be a family. Mommie doesn't want to be a family, and Daddy is crying over that. Family tells kids that mommie just wants to be a victim, and she should work on getting the family back together. All they really need is anger management and family counseling. You see the abuser told the family members when they call to pressure and manipulate them...because he knows it works. Most of the time families don't know how to support the ones in their circumstance, and the stress is just too much. So, get back together so they can have peace again. They don't want the abuser targeting them next - and he will.
I once worked with a VERY strong woman, and she did everything right at the time of the last circumstance. She worked on getting herself independent as far as a job to support herself, adult children educated and living on their own, etc. She called when he broke the orders, etc.
The man used the family DOG of all things to tie her down to him. He actually got 'visitation' rights of the dog, and NO he wouldn't just take the dog himself...she offered. He wasted money in court over this, so he had the right to drop by...and checks things out. She would walk the dog down to the curb for pickup, and drop offs - he didn't like that, and tried to go back to court.
He was a strange man. I finally told her, "Give me the dog, and tell him it got loose and ran off." I lived far enough away, and she should still file the police report about the lost dog - documentation. She didn't give me the dog, but YES the dog did leave her home. Next thing you know he starts asking the adult children to go to the home, and check things out for him...and report back. One adult child had enough backbone to say NO, and they other struggled...so they moved out of state so they had more firm excuse.
I had another victim I worked with. Her spouse was a sociopath. An old neighbor came to see her one day out of the blue. His wife had just passed, and she made him keep a promise to contact her. Her guilt over knowing the torture she was enduring while living next door, and trying to ignore it to keep the peace. She said nothing all those years when black eyes, and battled bodies where present. It happened mostly prior to stronger DV laws, because they did take him to jail. They just couldn't do anything when he came back. The lady felt guilt over not being the support system she knew she needed. The survivor thanked him, and made him feel better afterwards...and she got validation. Yes, it was strange and nice at the same time.
We are talking nutters, and the dynamics that tend to follow them.
Women that abuse are just as strange...and dangerous. Thankfully, I worked with a man that was abused...and he got full custody. Visitation is rocky, but things are looking up for him.
Humans tend to take the path of less resistance. She is fragile, and will bend and take all the junk upon herself...because she is broken already. Its easier to pressure her to do what they want her to do so they don't have to get TOO involved. Since she feels like a crumb on the bottom of someone's shoe? It doesn't take much to accomplish it either. She feels the weight of the world, and the world pretty much tells her (those close her that is) that she should. So she does the best thing she feels she can. It's hard to work with or against that type of dynamic.
