Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde

[contango]

We had a talk and I am prepared to move on.

He said he was turned off by the way I dressed. Said he wanted me to be more covered up when we go out. (It was hot outside and I had on a v-neck spaghetti strap romper). At the same time, what I wore was not "sexy" enough. He said it was not appealing and he was not turned on.

He said a couple relatives were supposed to drop by while I was there but decided to do something else.

I would appreciate comments from guys. Would a man really be tuned off enough not to want to kiss a girl if she was not dressed sexy? Is the visual stimulationi the critical or just an excuse?

The bottom line - he's talking trash.

He wants you to be more covered up and yet he wants you to be sexy, and he expects to be turned on by you before he'll even kiss you? I'm not sure what kind of guy you've found here but it sounds like he wants a trophy rather than a real person.

We men are visual creatures but at the same time I don't think I know any straight men who would reject a woman just because they didn't like some aspect of her outfit. Heck, there are times I look at my wife when she's just fallen out of bed with her hair a mess, no makeup, and looking bedraggled in the way that's only possible when you woke up 30 seconds ago and still find her sexy.

Truth be told I can't help wondering if he's decided he doesn't like you after all and just isn't man enough to admit it, so wants to make out like it's your fault. It may be that the dreaded marriage word scared him off (entirely understandable, as someone said above you need to at least go on a date together before you start discussing how many children you're going to have) but either way it sounds to me like he's looking for an out.

For what it's worth I'd recommend people steer clear of long-distance relationships. My wife and I met across international boundaries and it worked for us but it's a lot more hassle than when both of you are from a similar area. Not least because visiting family gets to be a significant effort and wherever you end up living you're going to make a lot of people unhappy, people who matter to either or both of you.

 

[TwistTim]

The bottom line - he's talking trash.

He wants you to be more covered up and yet he wants you to be sexy, and he expects to be turned on by you before he'll even kiss you? I'm not sure what kind of guy you've found here but it sounds like he wants a trophy rather than a real person.

We men are visual creatures but at the same time I don't think I know any straight men who would reject a woman just because they didn't like some aspect of her outfit. Heck, there are times I look at my wife when she's just fallen out of bed with her hair a mess, no makeup, and looking bedraggled in the way that's only possible when you woke up 30 seconds ago and still find her sexy.

Truth be told I can't help wondering if he's decided he doesn't like you after all and just isn't man enough to admit it, so wants to make out like it's your fault. It may be that the dreaded marriage word scared him off (entirely understandable, as someone said above you need to at least go on a date together before you start discussing how many children you're going to have) but either way it sounds to me like he's looking for an out.

For what it's worth I'd recommend people steer clear of long-distance relationships. My wife and I met across international boundaries and it worked for us but it's a lot more hassle than when both of you are from a similar area. Not least because visiting family gets to be a significant effort and wherever you end up living you're going to make a lot of people unhappy, people who matter to either or both of you.

You may be married, but I am quoting you for truth sir, even though you techincally shouldn't be posting here, I don't want your words to vanish....

LDR's are hard and often trouble.... But no straight man who has worked for a relationship for 7 months and really sought it is going to be turned off by your appearance.

This guy just knew the right words to say, the got afraid when the moment came, I am glad for you that it didn't work out... because you would have wound up with your heart broke worse than this.

Just set more realistic expectations for next time, have a DTR* talk early on, and be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best, you seem to have a good heart and head, I wish you the best from here forward.



*DTR= Define the Relationship; that is to set out what it is you are looking for, define boundaries that won't be crossed, and those that will.

If you are seeking a spouse that's part of it. Do this before you meet up and the "M" word will not scare him if it's said in conversation.

In conclusion: not the clothes, not you, him.

 

[vlorr]

In conclusion: not the clothes, not you, him.

Thank you very much!

 

[contango]

You may be married, but I am quoting you for truth sir, even though you techincally shouldn't be posting here, I don't want your words to vanish....

Oops, didn't realise this was the singles area. It seems daft restricting folks with relevant experience. Oh well...

I'll unsubscribe from the thread now, even though I think the rules are silly it's not my board so I'll respect them.

ETA: Thanks for your kind words, just realised my post might have come across as having a poke at you (apologies if it did, that wasn't my intention)

 

[stephanieamber]

also. let me say this, too. I just stopped dating this guy who was really not great for me and even though I keep thinking about how great he was (he wasn't) I have to remind myself that it's okay to be sad that a not great thing is gone.

Like when my wisdom teeth grew in, they grew all the way in and I couldn't reach them to brush so one of them started to decay and was SO PAINFUL. but then I got it taken out and the trauma of a gaping hole in my mouth, and the bloody gauze, and all that stuff, was so awful that I was SO UPSET. Upset about a decaying tooth being gone. The ultimate end was the most healthy thing, but the process was painful and no amount of telling myself it was okay took away the pain.

I say that because it's easy for us to be like "good riddance," and "he is a poop face you're better off," but that doesn't mean you should feel guilty for being sad, or that being sad means you're a weak or a sad or a terrible person.

But if you have decided to move on, then fully move on. Don't contact him. Don't try to "explain" things or get him to understand or ask him clarifying questions or anything. Just let the dead thing die and move on.

Eventually the hole in my mouth closed up and now I can't even remember what the gross wisdom tooth or the bloody gauze felt like.

....but I do have 3 left. :/ that was a side note. Anyway.

 

[vlorr]

Thank you so much for reaching out. This is such a helpful, healing site.
I am going through the love him/hate him process but I am getting a sense of peace, that it's not going to take as long to get over him as I thought.

The fact is (and I say this without arrogance) I was too good for him. I deserve much better treatment than I received.

I told the Lord if this man is part of His plan for my future, then He will have to do all the work of getting us back together. I am not lifting a finger, completely done.

In fact I am meeting a male friend for dinner tomorrow night. Not trying to date now--just need to have some fun.

Again thanks for sharing.

 

[Messy]

Thank you so much for reaching out. This is such a helpful, healing site.
I am going through the love him/hate him process but I am getting a sense of peace, that it's not going to take as long to get over him as I thought.

The fact is (and I say this without arrogance) I was too good for him. I deserve much better treatment than I received.

I told the Lord if this man is part of His plan for my future, then He will have to do all the work of getting us back together. I am not lifting a finger, completely done.

In fact I am meeting a male friend for dinner tomorrow night. Not trying to date now--just need to have some fun.

Again thanks for sharing.

That's what I did too. I showed him how I really got born again and set ` free from borderline, forgave him and pray for him. But now I don't think that's God's will, that he comes back. If it is, I'll notice a real change and he can contact me.

 

[Purge187]

On a slightly related note, I sent a "wink" to a fellow single childfree Christian on a dating site, but she didn't think we were compatible. She was right; my main reason for contacting her was because she didn't want children, and since childfree Christians are so few and far between, I figured I should at least give her a nod. I was skulking around on Facebook yesterday and saw that she got engaged. I thanked God on her behalf for bringing her a mate and prayed that they would be godly and happy, but I can't deny that there was some definite envygoing on, too.

I'll post this in the Prayer Request forum in the hopes that you'll also pray that they'll have a good, godly life and that me and the other childfree Christians will have our chance too.

 

[AmericanSamurai]

It sounds like "he's just not that into you". Life is too short, move on.