Don't you resent it when divorced are called 'singles'?

[desper84unity]

Those of you have never been married....Don't you resent it when divorced people who are now 'single' are called "single"?

I suppose I speak this outa guilt and frustration. I am divorced and now single with kids, and yet I can go to most 'singles' small groups, and other 'singles' church events.

I remember when, before I was married, how felt kinda angry that there were divorced men leering at, or hitting on the single gals I was interested in. Or can you imagine how a father feels when his 20 year old daughter joins a single group in church and there are divorced males chasin' them? Not to mention the never been married females feelings about this!

I think it stinks. What you think?

(By the way, I am divorced and now celibate)

 

[desi]

I find it offensive when divorced people are welcomed at singles church events. Divorce implies either a disrespect to marriage and God, or poor judgement in partner selection. The baggage of both of which should at the least exclude them from marrying true Christian singles.

 

[ZiSunka]

What in the world goes on at your church desper84unity, that anyone is chasing anyone at singles' group? I am shocked that any singles' group in a Christian church would be that kind of meat market at all; it sounds more appropriate to some kind of bar than a church!

Why wouldn't a father of a 20 year old be just as angry that ANYONE is chasing his daughter in the group at all, whether or not they are divorced. After all, that's NOT what she's going to church for! She's there to worship God, to find wholesome fellowship, and to grow in the faith, NOT to be oogled by any man, divorced or "single."

As for your annoyance at the term "single" being applied to divorced folks, maybe we should label them, "keepers" (singles) and "losers" (divorced). Then eveyone would know right up front who's going to make a good spouse and who isn't, so they won't waste their time getting to know and enjoying the wisdom, fellowship and companionship of people who once failed.

Better yet, maybe we should exile all divorced people to a separate church where they can mingle among themselves without the risk of infecting innocent singles with their divorce cooties.

 

[desper84unity]

hey, it was a question. We are definitely learning something from the responses, which is good.

 

[SqueakyGerbil]

I think it depends on the reason of the divorce. Or was the person a Christian when the divorce happened. Well actually I would never take it upon myself to judge another person but that is another conversation for another thread.
My fiance's parents split up due to adultry (and abandonment) and when his father was referered to as Single I never saw a problem with it. (it was not his father who committed the adultry)

 

[wvmtnkid]

* Mod Hat On*

Just a little reminder from the mod. Please remember that a divorced person is no less of a person just because they are divorced. We don't always know the whole story behind a divorce and do not need to be making judgements about the person or the situation. Please be kind to your brothers and sisters in Christ, despite their marital situation.


*Mod Hat Off * Carry on!

 

[ukok]

I find it offensive when divorced people are welcomed at singles church events. Divorce implies either a disrespect to marriage and God, or poor judgement in partner selection. The baggage of both of which should at the least exclude them from marrying true Christian singles.

I thought you said you were staying on that reservation for a whole month desi...

I find your comments utterly offensive. The baggage that you describe , happens to be my two beautiful children....as for being 'excluded' from marrying 'true' Christians - that implies that I am not a 'true' Christian myself and that i should remain forever single...oh, dear...i think we are going to disagree again...

wvmtnkid...i appreciate your sensitivity and respectful attitude to ALL Christians. Thank you.

 

[ukok]

Those of you have never been married....Don't you resent it when divorced people who are now 'single' are called "single"?

I suppose I speak this outa guilt and frustration. I am divorced and now single with kids, and yet I can go to most 'singles' small groups, and other 'singles' church events.

I remember when, before I was married, how felt kinda angry that there were divorced men leering at, or hitting on the single gals I was interested in. Or can you imagine how a father feels when his 20 year old daughter joins a single group in church and there are divorced males chasin' them? Not to mention the never been married females feelings about this!

I think it stinks. What you think?

(By the way, I am divorced and now celibate)

I would have thought that since you carry the 'baggage ' of being divorced yourself, you might understand the importance of not reinforcing the dubious opinion that Divorcee = the equivalent of pond-scum.

Perhaps we should have 'Loser' evenings for Divorcees held at our churches...i'm sure they'd be mighty popular. We can encourage the marrieds to continue to view segregation and archaic attitudes as an essential way of interacting with the divorcee. I thought that 'them' and 'us' was to do with differences of opinion pertaining to race, colour, creed, religion. I didn't think i'd have to encounter the opinion that Christians do not equal divorced people.

Life after divorce...is it possible....you know, you just have to wonder sometimes.

 

[Stanfi]

I've been reading this thread, and I started not to say anything. I guess in my ingnorance, I just don't understand. I'm single, always been. Until I came here I never, ever even conceived a thought that someone who is divorced might be lesser than someone who has always been single or married.

A divorced person is single, just like I am single. There is no other choice, you are either single or married, that's it. For me to think something else of a divorced person is wrong, and judgemental. It's no different than they think less of me because I never have been married. What if they say "Look he's 30 never been married, something must be wrong with him?". What's the difference?

Oh I know, sin you say. Listen, first just because someone is divorced does not mean they have sinned. Second, if they have, so what?. I'm not the judge God is, beside "We all have sinned and came short of the glory of God."

Do you think less of a widow? because she is single. What about a young woman who has lost her husband, as the result of an accident or something? What are they? I say single, just like I am.

The term bagge was used. This often refers to children, what about a man or a women who has had a child out of wedlock? What about them? Clearly adultery and fornication is sin. God forgives them, so who am I to codemn.

Instead of thinking less or judging someone "because they couldn't stay married". You know, sometimes life just get's out of our control, and there is nothing we can do about it. Anyway, we should have compassion on them. It has to be hard, giving your life and heart to someone, expecting to be with them always. Then one day it all falls aparts. I don't know, but I say it would be a tough one.

Like Jesus said "Ye who have no sin, cast the first stone".

 

[ukok]

that was a very healthy post mrstace. well said.

 

[YouthPastor]

What in the world goes on at your church desper84unity, that anyone is chasing anyone at singles' group? I am shocked that any singles' group in a Christian church would be that kind of meat market at all; it sounds more appropriate to some kind of bar than a church!

Why wouldn't a father of a 20 year old be just as angry that ANYONE is chasing his daughter in the group at all, whether or not they are divorced. After all, that's NOT what she's going to church for! She's there to worship God, to find wholesome fellowship, and to grow in the faith, NOT to be oogled by any man, divorced or "single."

Agree & Disagree!

Agree - A singles group, regardless of who is in it should not be a meat market. ie.. you whole goal is to see the cute chicks and maybe hook up with one and get married.

However, I think this type of group setting is the BEST place to find your spouse. NOT that you are going there specifically to find a spouse. But as the group learns things, studies together, does things together - the people will get to know each other better than in a one on one relationship.

You have to be careful though - Your main goal needs to be serving God - not eyeing everyone trying to find a spouse. My point is that ina group like this - as the group fellowships, people will get to know each other better w/o the masks etc.. involved in dating. in this group type setting you will get to see how people act etc...

As far as divorced people being in the group? It really all depends on the church. some churches have a group for "divorcees" and others for "singles" of course this would be for a larger church. It alows the divorced group to discuss issues pertaining to them.

As far as a widow - if she is up there in age, she probably would not want to hang with the 19 and 20 years olds.

 

[ZiSunka]

Agree & Disagree!

Agree - A singles group, regardless of who is in it should not be a meat market. ie.. you whole goal is to see the cute chicks and maybe hook up with one and get married.

However, I think this type of group setting is the BEST place to find your spouse. NOT that you are going there specifically to find a spouse. But as the group learns things, studies together, does things together - the people will get to know each other better than in a one on one relationship.

You have to be careful though - Your main goal needs to be serving God - not eyeing everyone trying to find a spouse. My point is that ina group like this - as the group fellowships, people will get to know each other better w/o the masks etc.. involved in dating. in this group type setting you will get to see how people act etc...

As far as divorced people being in the group? It really all depends on the church. some churches have a group for "divorcees" and others for "singles" of course this would be for a larger church. It alows the divorced group to discuss issues pertaining to them.

As far as a widow - if she is up there in age, she probably would not want to hang with the 19 and 20 years olds.

But you have to agree that oogling has no place in ANY church group or event. We're not organizing lust-fests, are we?

 

[enslow]

I find it offensive when divorced people are welcomed at singles church events. Divorce implies either a disrespect to marriage and God, or poor judgement in partner selection. The baggage of both of which should at the least exclude them from marrying true Christian singles.

I find this comment extremely offensive as well. Some of us who 'disrespected marriage and God' worked hard to save a failing marriage, even when we weren't happy in the marriage either. However, when a spouse decides to walk away, that becomes a choice they made and we just have to get on with life. Divorcees have become known as 'pond scum' partly because of attitudes displayed as the said quoter above.

Enslow

 

[desper84unity]

Okay, I think they should always call these "singles" groups what they are, "divorced, widowed, abandoned, betrayed, abused, formerly adulterous, or never married singles group"

 

[IvoryRain]

I had no idea that divorced people were looked upon as people low in standard.

I am proud that my Mom was at one time divorced. Chances are great, if she hadn't divorced him she would be dead.

If you want to down her for choosing the wrong husband, thats your choice, but in my opinion a poor one.

People are not always what they seem to be.

 

[desper84unity]

I would like to apologize to everybody who mistook my alarm over divorced being in never married singles groups.

I do not think, nor have I said, that the divorced as a general group are 'pond scum'.

I simply think the never married singles should be able to be seperate from the divorced for the simple reason that divorced/never married pairings are likely in such a close fellowship. And Jesus said whomever married the divorced person commits adultery.

I think we shouldn't be tempting the divorced/never married pairings.

It's more than just an opinion, I think it is a matter of obedience to our Savior.

 

[IvoryRain]

Thats allright - there is actually learning that can be done from this.

Because I dont know a lot can you explain "It's more than just an opinion, I think it is a matter of obedience to our Savior."

I'm not being picky or mean, I really don't know.

 

[Warrior Poet]

I find it offensive when divorced people are welcomed at singles church events. Divorce implies either a disrespect to marriage and God, or poor judgement in partner selection. The baggage of both of which should at the least exclude them from marrying true Christian singles.

Bold

*shakes his head that this is an actual thought*

Being happliy married for so long......you know nothing about the "baggage" from either on of those, and what you are doing is clumping "us" all into a group, Gods relationship is on an individual basis, so should your judgement of people, since it is apperant you see yourself fit to do so.

desi whereever you get your POV's im glad they are not shared by or taught anywhere else. ( and if they are what a sad place to be in)

/me wont lower himself to name calling but he would like to.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH...........

And dont forget the "never been married single" have a large say in all this if they dont resent it...why should you. Wether in a meeting place for singles at church or elsewhere they always have the final say in wether any of that matters to them any way, as far as being intwined in a singles group, i cant see how/why there should be resentment on your part Disturb as MR. said single is single is single........you have a personal issues it sounds like.

Much of what i consider "wisdom" came from my wife leaving me. I am now better equiped not on emotionally but spirtually to be a real husband, if the opportunity presents istself, not a roomate. I think that a divorcee can be a great mentor to singles, they have lived it and dealt with it and show them the error of there ways so that single doesnt not make that mistake(s).


Warrior Poet

 

[enslow]

I simply think the never married singles should be able to be seperate from the divorced for the simple reason that divorced/never married pairings are likely in such a close fellowship. And Jesus said whomever married the divorced person commits adultery.

I think we shouldn't be tempting the divorced/never married pairings.

It's more than just an opinion, I think it is a matter of obedience to our Savior.

You're forgetting that in some cases God permits divorce and doesn't consider it adultery. In the case of a non-believing spouse choosing to leave the marriage, God allows divorce. Should the believing spouse remarry, he does not commit adultry in this case. If a spouse (even a believing spouse) commits adultery God will also allow the other to divorce and remarry.

In these case, a divorced/never married couple can still be completely obedient to Christ.

Enslow

 

[desper84unity]

I respect you Enslow. But not only do I read the Bible, and think about the scriptures, I am guided by the Holy Spirit. I am also taught by the Holy Spirit the deep things of God. I am not saying you don't, but I am standing up for some understanding I think is important.

I understand Paul defined some situations including believing/and unbelieving couples, and said it was okay for some believers to remarry.

You would concede that divorce does cause a nasty wound, and recovery from that kind of wound can take a liftetime. I believe God wanted to save our children from the pain of the wound of divorce, by giving us his own bottomline about marrying the divorced.

Despite my crude somewhat inflammatory presentations of the divorced in singles group problem, I am mostly concerned about what God really thinks about divorce and adultery.

When Jesus says that the marrying the divorced person is commiting adultery, I believe he is indicating God's highest standard for marriage. Paul was expressing his view (with the Holy Spirit) on specific couplings of believer/unbeliever etc. What Paul said doesn't change the standard that to marry a divorced person is adultery. I am not really getting Theological, I am indicating the difference between God's expressed values, marrying a divorced person being adultery, versus the application of God's will to specific marriage situations.

The point I am trying to make is that God is Holy and pure and doesn't want the divorced marrying the never married. It is a matter of the heart of God, versus the legal aspects of expressing it.

God hates divorce, he said so. One of the best way to preserve the purity of marriage is to HOLD UP God's highest standards, which include divorce not marrying the pure and hopeful unmarried folks.

While the Church, following Paul, may see fit to give a head nod to divorced remarrying under the guidance of Paul. The Church should not be setting up singles groups, sanctioned by the church which don't protect the purity and highest standard of never married being put in social contact with a high chance of coupling with divorced people.

And remember Paul said he'd rather lots of us would just stay in the state we find ourself in, so that we can concentrate on serving God. That's my goal, to stay single (and divorced), uphold God's highest standards, and strive to serve him by obeying him in the most meaningful way.