Don't trust God anymore

[1hope]

Well, since I've talked about my past with all of you, I want to ask some opinions about something.
I think I mentioned that my oldest brothers played around with me when I was small and one of the younger boys was violent towards me (even as a small child). Since the problems have been with me all my life and I don't know why, I've considered unlocking repressed memories. I think I could get a psychiatrist.
I just want to remember some things. Maybe something happened my heart remembers what my mind doesn't.I recall as a small child, a sudden sorrow would come upon me for no reason. I could be laughing an playing at school or at a family reunion when a deep sense of dread would overtake me.
I’ve prayed every prayer over every situation in my life, I went through deliverance prayer years ago(those who prayed for me were hoping I’d be made well through it). I’m not holding onto my past, but it seems there is something holding onto me.

Not all the memories I'm looking for is negative. I had something that I'd completely forgotten for close to 40 years just suddenly come back to me one day - vividly. It was a little adventure I went on when I was about 3 with my uncle appaloosa.
So what does the Bible say about this?[SIZE=+0] A psychiatrist is a doctor. I would rather a person of God took me though it, but don’t think it’s going to happen.[/SIZE]

 

[Goodbook]

Ive been through both deliverance and inner healing. They are similar but different. I think you are at a stage where you need inner healing. The reason why this gets overlooked is cos were not always comfortable being open and honest with someone else, afraid that people will judge us. But that is not what should stand in our way if we are serious about getting well. I can recommend you a minister that does it online through skype. PM me.

The bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Also it says satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. Another thing it says is to take every thought captive to Christ, because he is mighty in pulling down strongholds. 2 Corinthians 10 3-4

Jesus is the doctor you need to go to with all your hurts. When two or three gather in his name, he is there, thats why its good to pray with someone. Don't try and tell God that he can't do something. God can and he will, but He does things His way, not ours.

Psychiatrists just prescribe meds and talk they don't actually heal. You may end up paying a lot of money for nothing plus a medical label on top of it. They cant deal with sin or spiritual warfare. You may end up blaming others or yourself for problems that are not really yours at all. Just warning you there. Only Jesus can truly heal you.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Well, since I've talked about my past with all of you, I want to ask some opinions about something.
I think I mentioned that my oldest brothers played around with me when I was small and one of the younger boys was violent towards me (even as a small child). Since the problems have been with me all my life and I don't know why, I've considered unlocking repressed memories. I think I could get a psychiatrist.
I just want to remember some things. Maybe something happened my heart remembers what my mind doesn't.I recall as a small child, a sudden sorrow would come upon me for no reason. I could be laughing an playing at school or at a family reunion when a deep sense of dread would overtake me.
I’ve prayed every prayer over every situation in my life, I went through deliverance prayer years ago(those who prayed for me were hoping I’d be made well through it). I’m not holding onto my past, but it seems there is something holding onto me.

Not all the memories I'm looking for is negative. I had something that I'd completely forgotten for close to 40 years just suddenly come back to me one day - vividly. It was a little adventure I went on when I was about 3 with my uncle appaloosa.
So what does the Bible say about this?[SIZE=+0] A psychiatrist is a doctor. I would rather a person of God took me though it, but don’t think it’s going to happen.[/SIZE]

1Jn 2:2
(2) And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

there are two sides to 1Jn 2:2; the great news is that all my sins (wrong thoughts and actions) - past, present, and even future sins - were paid for at least 2000 years ago; and not mine only, but everyone - the sins of the whole world (people choose hell through rejecting God by refusing to believe Him about that). the other side to this is that all the sins (wrong thoughts and actions) that others have done to me are also paid for - the sins of the whole world. as long as i don't forgive others who have wronged me, i'm a victim. when i do forgive them, i am no longer a victim, i become a victor. failing to forgive allows bitterness to invade my heart, which brings sorrow and dread, because i'm not in agreement with God. i need to forgive others for my sake; even if they don't see that they need forgiving.

Col 1:12-13
(12) Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:
(13) Who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son:

God had already released forgiveness to you before you were born, but you had to believe Him about that to receive it.
God has already released deliverance to you before you were born; but you have to believe him about that to receive it.

Mat 6:34
(34) Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

focus on fellowship with God each day, and He will remind you of the good things of the past.

Php 4:8
(8) Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

don't dwell on the bad things of the past; they can't be changed, and it will take away from your efforts to be God focused each day

 

[BFine]

Doing life together in God's family...

My husband had a traumatic accident at work and it lead to his left
leg being amputated.
My husband knows all about pain, facing death etc.
He knows about taking pain meds and Gabapentin, of which
he has taken it since Nov. of 2009 (following his amputation.)
I know about having lives altered by a major accident and dealing
with a seemingly continual string of illnesses and setbacks.

I know what it's like to be born into poverty-- I was born in NC
and my parents lived in a shack, it had no indoor plumbing and
no electricity.
I know what it's like to be marginalized, ostracized and persecuted...
I'm a black female who grew up in a racist area in NC... In the 1970's
my childhood wasn't all sugar and cream. I knew the pain of being molested
by a family member when I was a child. I knew the fear of having to avoid certain
white men who thought nothing of trying to lure little girls into their vehicles.
I learned the cold hard facts of life very early!
I also learned the old family habit-- one of that consisted of combining witchcraft
and Christianity.

None of that kept me from coming to the Lord for salvation, this happened shortly
before my 7th birthday. My little child-like faith started small but slowly grew.
My mom continued to pray, attend church and practice witchcraft. Years later she
would repent of it after I confronted her about it. You see, the Lord dealt with me
about it when I was a teenager.
I struggled with the faith for some time.
The Lord was always there with me, encouraging me in my faith walk with Him.
The Lord talked to me a lot when I was a little girl.
I knew early on my life would not be easy...the Lord revealed that to me, in a
way I could understand. He would also give me dreams and visions of a better life.
I didn't know when it would happen but the Lord confirmed His Word that it would
be so.
I talked of my dreams of traveling places, staying in nice hotels, buying pretty things etc.
I dreamed of retiring before I was 40....The Lord said it would come to be.
I talked about these things to people, they didn't believe none of it. I got made fun of
in school and later on the same thing would happen when I was working a job-- co-workers
would rib me about the dreams I shared with them... If I think about it now, I can still
hear their jokes and laughter.

Time continued to pass me by, I was in my twenties, then thirties, still working jobs that
paid minimum wage in NC. I lived in a mobile home and drove cars that were a good ten
years old or older.

I got back to serving the Lord faithfully and doing my job to the best of my ability...still
holding onto dreams that stayed elusive-- until 1994.
You see, I worked as a caregiver, one of the many girls who worked for a nursing agency.
At the time I was working 6 and a half days to the week.
One day, I was sent to a family who were wealthy and well-known
in the town I use to live in. It wasn't easy working for them, the mother (who was my patient) had some long held racist ideas...like: blacks should know there place and all
we were good for was doing menial jobs etc. What she didn't know about me was: I
did my job as if I was working for the Lord and not for her.

We clashed over many things in the beginning...in fact I would be dropped from being her
caregiver several times! Each time, the woman's son or daughter would seek me out
and beg me to come back...I would pray about it and the Lord directed me to return, so I went back each time.
Forgave her many times!
This family would eventually buy out my contract from the agency and I would work
them as a private caregiver... they also gave me 5K the very day I agreed
to work for them!

Several years would pass and we became close, friends in fact.
The lady's daughter also lived in the home....I was in my mid-thirties by then
and I still thought about "my dreams".

In 1999 the lady I was looking after died, her daughter subsequently asked
me to work for her and I agreed. She doubled my salary instantly!
I was making several thousand of dollars each week then, I'd NEVER dreamed of having such
a salary!

Another two years would go by... I was 37, still supporting my sick mom and nursing my
own wounds from a bad first marriage and paying off all the debt my ex left for me.
He got a job working "under the table" and he married his mistress, they moved into
the same neighborhood I lived and were on the opposite side of the street. I got to see
them every day and they loved to taunt me every chance they got. I continued to work
and take care of my mom etc.

I got a present of a computer from my boss and had signed up on this dating site called:
christiancafe, on there I met a man who lived in Canada... we hit it off instantly! We talked
all the time! He would call me or I would call him. Emails flew back and forth!
I met him face to face in Vancouver, he was solid!
I couldn't of been happier! Trust me, I'd met so many "bad apples" over the years-- years?
make that decades!

One day my boss lady called me in for a serious chat... I thought she wanted to discuss
her daughter but it turns out she wanted to talk about me and my future.
I told her about the man I met online and how things were "serious" and I was in the
process of getting my mom into a senior's apartment complex etc.
My boss lady then shared some stuff about her daughter and how she'd mishandled
so many things-- one of which was money. Her daughter had "borrowed" against her
inheritance so to speak and basically had little to show for it. Then she said this: "I
have given my daughter everything she's asked for and then some. I've seen how you
have taken care of your mother, worked very hard for me and have accomplished so
much on the salary I've provided... I see no reason to make you wait for what I have
decided to give you." She takes out her checkbook, writes out a check and hands it
to me! A six-figure check!
Life-altering moment-- the mountain of debt gets paid off!
My mom gets to move in early to her new apartment!
I retired from working at age 37! 3 years before age 40!
I also married the Canadian man I met online and move to Canada!

Here it is 2014... still retired and as you know, my husband is the
man who got injured on the job (that was mentioned early on in this LONG story.)

Life isn't perfect, nor is it without pain and suffering.
Some sufferings last only a short time, some sufferings last a lifetime...
no matter what you get dealt, the Lord will give you the GRACE to see you through it.
He will prosper you...increase your faith, increase your boldness to share the Good News
of the Gospel, man may fail you but God will not.

You know this...
Our Savior suffered much in his life, he had his heartbroken, he was betrayed by the ones
who claim to love him the most....we may face the same thing.
Apostle Paul prayed 3 times for the thorn to be removed from his side, the Lord didn't
not take it away. God said: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s
power may rest on me."

God's grace is sufficient for me, my husband and it's sufficient for you...therefore,
boasts all the more gladly about your weaknesses, so that Christ's power may
rest on you.

It's the same power that got a little black girl through dire poverty, various abuses,
loneliness, no real friends, numerous health setbacks etc.
I'm still here and God's grace is still keeping me and my
husband firm in the faith no matter what may come our way.

You do not need to be without friends or Christian support...you can
send me a private message here any time...this isn't just "talk", it's
for real.

 

[Andrea411]

Doing life together in God's family...

My husband had a traumatic accident at work and it lead to his left
leg being amputated.
My husband knows all about pain, facing death etc.
He knows about taking pain meds and Gabapentin, of which
he has taken it since Nov. of 2009 (following his amputation.)
I know about having lives altered by a major accident and dealing
with a seemingly continual string of illnesses and setbacks.

I know what it's like to be born into poverty-- I was born in NC
and my parents lived in a shack, it had no indoor plumbing and
no electricity.
I know what it's like to be marginalized, ostracized and persecuted...
I'm a black female who grew up in a racist area in NC... In the 1970's
my childhood wasn't all sugar and cream. I knew the pain of being molested
by a family member when I was a child. I knew the fear of having to avoid certain
white men who thought nothing of trying to lure little girls into their vehicles.
I learned the cold hard facts of life very early!
I also learned the old family habit-- one of that consisted of combining witchcraft
and Christianity.

None of that kept me from coming to the Lord for salvation, this happened shortly
before my 7th birthday. My little child-like faith started small but slowly grew.
My mom continued to pray, attend church and practice witchcraft. Years later she
would repent of it after I confronted her about it. You see, the Lord dealt with me
about it when I was a teenager.
I struggled with the faith for some time.
The Lord was always there with me, encouraging me in my faith walk with Him.
The Lord talked to me a lot when I was a little girl.
I knew early on my life would not be easy...the Lord revealed that to me, in a
way I could understand. He would also give me dreams and visions of a better life.
I didn't know when it would happen but the Lord confirmed His Word that it would
be so.
I talked of my dreams of traveling places, staying in nice hotels, buying pretty things etc.
I dreamed of retiring before I was 40....The Lord said it would come to be.
I talked about these things to people, they didn't believe none of it. I got made fun of
in school and later on the same thing would happen when I was working a job-- co-workers
would rib me about the dreams I shared with them... If I think about it now, I can still
hear their jokes and laughter.

Time continued to pass me by, I was in my twenties, then thirties, still working jobs that
paid minimum wage in NC. I lived in a mobile home and drove cars that were a good ten
years old or older.

I got back to serving the Lord faithfully and doing my job to the best of my ability...still
holding onto dreams that stayed elusive-- until 1994.
You see, I worked as a caregiver, one of the many girls who worked for a nursing agency.
At the time I was working 6 and a half days to the week.
One day, I was sent to a family who were wealthy and well-known
in the town I use to live in. It wasn't easy working for them, the mother (who was my patient) had some long held racist ideas...like: blacks should know there place and all
we were good for was doing menial jobs etc. What she didn't know about me was: I
did my job as if I was working for the Lord and not for her.

We clashed over many things in the beginning...in fact I would be dropped from being her
caregiver several times! Each time, the woman's son or daughter would seek me out
and beg me to come back...I would pray about it and the Lord directed me to return, so I went back each time.
Forgave her many times!
This family would eventually buy out my contract from the agency and I would work
them as a private caregiver... they also gave me 5K the very day I agreed
to work for them!

Several years would pass and we became close, friends in fact.
The lady's daughter also lived in the home....I was in my mid-thirties by then
and I still thought about "my dreams".

In 1999 the lady I was looking after died, her daughter subsequently asked
me to work for her and I agreed. She doubled my salary instantly!
I was making several thousand of dollars each week then, I'd NEVER dreamed of having such
a salary!

Another two years would go by... I was 37, still supporting my sick mom and nursing my
own wounds from a bad first marriage and paying off all the debt my ex left for me.
He got a job working "under the table" and he married his mistress, they moved into
the same neighborhood I lived and were on the opposite side of the street. I got to see
them every day and they loved to taunt me every chance they got. I continued to work
and take care of my mom etc.

I got a present of a computer from my boss and had signed up on this dating site called:
christiancafe, on there I met a man who lived in Canada... we hit it off instantly! We talked
all the time! He would call me or I would call him. Emails flew back and forth!
I met him face to face in Vancouver, he was solid!
I couldn't of been happier! Trust me, I'd met so many "bad apples" over the years-- years?
make that decades!

One day my boss lady called me in for a serious chat... I thought she wanted to discuss
her daughter but it turns out she wanted to talk about me and my future.
I told her about the man I met online and how things were "serious" and I was in the
process of getting my mom into a senior's apartment complex etc.
My boss lady then shared some stuff about her daughter and how she'd mishandled
so many things-- one of which was money. Her daughter had "borrowed" against her
inheritance so to speak and basically had little to show for it. Then she said this: "I
have given my daughter everything she's asked for and then some. I've seen how you
have taken care of your mother, worked very hard for me and have accomplished so
much on the salary I've provided... I see no reason to make you wait for what I have
decided to give you." She takes out her checkbook, writes out a check and hands it
to me! A six-figure check!
Life-altering moment-- the mountain of debt gets paid off!
My mom gets to move in early to her new apartment!
I retired from working at age 37! 3 years before age 40!
I also married the Canadian man I met online and move to Canada!

Here it is 2014... still retired and as you know, my husband is the
man who got injured on the job (that was mentioned early on in this LONG story.)

Life isn't perfect, nor is it without pain and suffering.
Some sufferings last only a short time, some sufferings last a lifetime...
no matter what you get dealt, the Lord will give you the GRACE to see you through it.
He will prosper you...increase your faith, increase your boldness to share the Good News
of the Gospel, man may fail you but God will not.

You know this...
Our Savior suffered much in his life, he had his heartbroken, he was betrayed by the ones
who claim to love him the most....we may face the same thing.
Apostle Paul prayed 3 times for the thorn to be removed from his side, the Lord didn't
not take it away. God said: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s
power may rest on me."

God's grace is sufficient for me, my husband and it's sufficient for you...therefore,
boasts all the more gladly about your weaknesses, so that Christ's power may
rest on you.

It's the same power that got a little black girl through dire poverty, various abuses,
loneliness, no real friends, numerous health setbacks etc.
I'm still here and God's grace is still keeping me and my
husband firm in the faith no matter what may come our way.

You do not need to be without friends or Christian support...you can
send me a private message here any time...this isn't just "talk", it's
for real.

I'm in tears and I haven't even had my coffee. WOW - the Lord's grace and your faithfulness... thank you for that testimony, Wonderful

God bless, andrea

 

[Andrea411]

Well, since I've talked about my past with all of you, I want to ask some opinions about something.
I think I mentioned that my oldest brothers played around with me when I was small and one of the younger boys was violent towards me (even as a small child). Since the problems have been with me all my life and I don't know why, I've considered unlocking repressed memories. I think I could get a psychiatrist.
I just want to remember some things. Maybe something happened my heart remembers what my mind doesn't.I recall as a small child, a sudden sorrow would come upon me for no reason. I could be laughing an playing at school or at a family reunion when a deep sense of dread would overtake me.
I’ve prayed every prayer over every situation in my life, I went through deliverance prayer years ago(those who prayed for me were hoping I’d be made well through it). I’m not holding onto my past, but it seems there is something holding onto me.

Not all the memories I'm looking for is negative. I had something that I'd completely forgotten for close to 40 years just suddenly come back to me one day - vividly. It was a little adventure I went on when I was about 3 with my uncle appaloosa.
So what does the Bible say about this?[SIZE=+0] A psychiatrist is a doctor. I would rather a person of God took me though it, but don’t think it’s going to happen.[/SIZE]

I had a long history of abuse and trials and when I finally gave up and gave it to the Lord, I said this is it LORD I have nothing to give you but this broken me. Daily I would give Him my broken pieces.... I would take responsibility for, not what was done to me, but the way I received it and allowed it to fester in me. I thought of all of King David's and Joseph's trials and how they never got cynical or lost faith. I did. So I would confess all that to the Lord, like peeling an onion everyday and one day there was no onion. I live in peace, take very few meds, no longer have seizures and I have forgiven my abusers and even my daughters (much harder). The Lord is good and He gives us the roadmap to His peace.... IDK that I could see the end but I followed Him daily and now I live an amazing life... my home is peaceful, my marriage is good, my family is healthy and I love the Lord.
I pray you find his peace. Don't be afraid of counselors, I suggest Christian counselors. I went to them and they helped but they can't heal... they can only help uncover what needs to be healed.

 

[CarroceriaRICO1]

You have to talk to God and know that you are forgiven of your sins. Your slate is clean and God loves you. Just talk to God about your troubles.

As for finding a church or preacher to join, keep looking! Don't give up!

I feel somewhat the same as Andrea.
I have prayed. I have spoken to God
I have remained quiet to hear Him speak
He tells me it will be OK. It has been over 10 years & things have gotten worst.
I feel & believe that God chooses those whom He wants to bless & simply ignore those He does not
It just so happens, that I am one of those He opted to ignore.
And talking to Him, praying to Him, pleading the blood of Jesus to help me with my marriage, my 2 sons, my career and my finances has done NOTHING but make things worst. Example: I now HATE my wife. I prayed for both of us to come closer & I have done everything I could to make our marriage work, but she has drifted further & further from me. My Eldest son has tourrettes, ADHD, OCD & depression. I had spent the greater part of 10 + years taking him to see psychiatrist, counselors & Dr. to help him cope with his condition, INCLUDING prayers to God. He was sent to a psychiatric ward TWICE. When he came out, I STILL took him to Dr to help him until he got arrested. NOW my youngest is doing drugs & has NO respect for his Mother or I. And my career. I went from a great career, earning over $85K a year as a Sr Manager to now a Tech Level 1 earning less than $60K a year. Despite all this, I KEPT on praying. For what? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I don't drink, do drugs, treat people with disrespect. I used to pray every morning only to face a day filled with misery, stress & anxiety. After 10+ years of hopeless hope I am MORE than convinced that God, simply does not care, have time or even WANTS to even remotely give a damn about me or my family. I now find myself from encouraging people never to give up on God or Christianity to now saying, OUT LOUD, without a single bit of remorse that I absolutely hate God.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I realize this topic is from 2014, but wanted to address it (and the new post).

I always believed the teachings of prosperity. That the faithful would be rewarded in due season and God wanted to heal all that was sick.

I don't know why God hasn't made me well. I KNOW I did not commit a sin that made me sick.

I wanted a place in the country so very much

I also wanted a Christian husband

I feel & believe that God chooses those whom He wants to bless & simply ignore those He does not
It just so happens, that I am one of those He opted to ignore.

Thats half gospel teaching, false teaching. Often times people tend to get mad at God because they look at Him as a genie "I did what you said God, now I rubbed the lamp and demand my wish come true!". Hes not a genie though. Hes God. What we want may not be what He has in store for us. His plans are to better us, not hurt us.

As for the last quote, God loves all people. Even non-christians. Sometimes we don't get what we want because, well as I stated above. When he pray sometimes the answer is no or maybe. Sometimes its wait. Sometimes He may be waiting for us to realize something, such as if theres something wrong in our life we need to change. In my case finding love was my idol. And porn. And being mean online. And some other things. I wanted what I wanted. When my health got worse I turned on God and everyone on the planet. I blamed Him. But it wasn't Him who made me sick. We get sick because sin exists, the devil exists. Our bodies age, they get sick, we die. Heck little babies die sometimes. Its just life.

And really sometimes maybe He tells us no or wait because He sees in our hearts we are angry at Him. Or that we blame Him for things. Or that we don't give our wants up to Him and let Him be in control. No one really likes not being in control, its a human feeling. Even I don't like it sometimes. But if we don't submit or make it hard, then our prayers may not be answered. OR there is one other reason. Sometimes we are sick for a reason, to learn something. Me? I'm still sick. I've accepted I may be sick forever, though of course I always pray for healing. But I know as long as I am sick, then its for a reason. I trust Him whatever the case. Does it mean I don't have bad days where I get fed up with being sick? Of course not. I have days where I'm like "Come on God, what else do you want from me!". In the past I was like that all day and every day. Even to the point of being suicidal. Now I am a different person though. I've seen alot of my past had a purpose. Its been to help others. And to help those to come.

 

[CarroceriaRICO1]

I must apologize.
I am very sorry for my outburst of negativity.
Just yesterday, I found myself watching Joel Olsteen on my TV.
Normally, I shy away from Evangelical Pastors with mega churches, but yesterdays message, was very powerful to me & spoke to my outburst about not trusting in God.
I spent a LARGE portion of my time, worrying, getting frustrated over my situations
When I do this, I removed God from His throne, not allowing Him to handle my situation.
It is when I start to sit down, relax & say to God that He is in control and that I lay my concerns, on His lap that only God can start delivering a solution to my problems.
Its time for me to take the back seat & let God take control.
To everyone who have read my outburst of negativity, I humbly apologize.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Its ok, none are perfect. BTW I'd probably avoid Joel, hes a prosperity preacher. Fasle/half gospel teaching. Hes made many christians instead get mad at God because they begin to think God is some sort of genie/vending machine that gives you anything you want no matter what. Like if you want $100,000,000, a sports car, a mansion and the moon.... God will give it to you. >.>

 

[Jenniferdiana]

God doesn't ignore us. He cares for everything. He knows how we feel and what's happening around us. God is not a genie. It really irritates me when people blame God for everything. God's ways are different. He works in his own way. And does them righteously.

 

[Jesus' Girl]

I know this is old but this seems to be a cause of a lot of my issues. I’m scared to trust Him as every time I’ve been let down..seemingly. God never lets me down. I’m scared something will happen such as being killed and just letting go in general. Death is my biggest fear. I am scared to trust because of the pain of being deserted by God which I’ve felt before and Jesus felt..and feeling like I’m vulnerable...feeling like He will run like I’ve felt before. I’m scared. It is like a relationship with a human being. I know God isn’t human just I’ve been rejected and hurt a lot in my life and it hurts me when God is like that..seemingly.
Fear is such a huge issue of mine...