Don’t have strength to fight anymore

[HorizonBlue]

i know, myanchor...i've been reading what people wrote here and doing it couple of times a day...it really helps, i can tell you that...
I'm not taking any kind of medicine anymore, and its been like that for the last couple of years...the thing is ive been even more depressed on antidepressants (even if it was a baby dose, like my doctor said..nevertheless, it was hard to persuade me even to take that what he gave me and i refused to go back on taking them again when my therapy was over) and completely unable to help myself...
I'm not seing any kind of therapist...don't think i need one and, to be honest, if i would need one, that would be the time when im afraid even to step outside on the street...so, when i would need a therapist, i wouldnt be able to ask for that kind of help...don't know does that make any sense...

i understand your feeling of being stuck in a well...i have my own well as well...the difference is that im not that deep inside and when i jump out of it, i get to high and get to my manic phase...thats when i start learning 3 foreign languages at the same time, i go out and buy couple of books, start exercising 2-3h a day, start writing my own novels or poems just for my own pleasure and many, many more things...whatever comes to my mind...for instance, I've been now without sleep for almost 48h...dont even need the coffee to keep me going...the thing is that such moments are so rare and in them i feel completely alive and i dont want to miss any minute of it..
Ive never thought that it could be it (bipolar disorder) because the manic phases are so rare....will do some research about it...

but then when i fall down, back to my own well, i get stuck so deep that its impossible to even move a muscle or breathe...it feels like a curtain is in front of eyes and everything around me seems seems so artificial, unrealistic...

ive never checked my hormones...maybe i should, just to make sure...

i totally agree with you about freeking out people, especially the ones who cannot stand people having a different opinion....priceless...

 

[annrobert]

Hello HorizonBlue,
How is it going?I feel so weak and sad myself sometimes, so I know what it is like.
Jesus has me in His hand and you too.
I found it comforting what the prophet Jeremiah went through and how Jesus brought him out of it.It sounds like he went through the depths of despair.

Lamentations 3


1I AM the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.
2He hath led me, and brought me into darkness, but not into light.
3Surely against me is he turned; he turneth his hand against me all the day.
4My flesh and my skin hath he made old; he hath broken my bones.
5He hath builded against me, and compassed me with gall and travail.
6He hath set me in dark places, as they that be dead of old.
7He hath hedged me about, that I cannot get out: he hath made my chain heavy.
8Also when I cry and shout, he shutteth out my prayer.
9He hath inclosed my ways with hewn stone, he hath made my paths crooked.
10He was unto me as a bear lying in wait, and as a lion in secret places.
11He hath turned aside my ways, and pulled me in pieces: he hath made me desolate.
12He hath bent his bow, and set me as a mark for the arrow.
13He hath caused the arrows of his quiver to enter into my reins.
14I was a derision to all my people; and their song all the day.
15He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood.
16He hath also broken my teeth with gravel stones, he hath covered me with ashes.
17And thou hast removed my soul far off from peace: I forgat prosperity.
18And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the LORD:
19Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
20My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
21This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
22It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
26It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
27It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
28He sitteth alone and keepeth silence, because he hath borne it upon him.
29He putteth his mouth in the dust; if so be there may be hope.
30He giveth his cheek to him that smiteth him: he is filled full with reproach.
31For the LORD will not cast off for ever:
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.
34To crush under his feet all the prisoners of the earth.
35To turn aside the right of a man before the face of the most High,
36To subvert a man in his cause, the LORD approveth not.
37Who is he that saith, and it cometh to pass, when the Lord commandeth it not?
38Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good?
39Wherefore doth a living man complain, a man for the punishment of his sins?
40Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the LORD.
41Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens.
42We have transgressed and have rebelled: thou hast not pardoned.
43Thou hast covered with anger, and persecuted us: thou hast slain, thou hast not pitied.
44Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through.
45Thou hast made us as the offscouring and refuse in the midst of the people.
46All our enemies have opened their mouths against us.
47Fear and a snare is come upon us, desolation and destruction.
48Mine eye runneth down with rivers of water for the destruction of the daughter of my people.
49Mine eye trickleth down, and ceaseth not, without any intermission.
50Till the LORD look down, and behold from heaven. .
52Mine enemies chased me sore, like a bird, without cause.
53They have cut off my life in the dungeon, and cast a stone upon me.
54Waters flowed over mine head; then I said, I am cut off.
55I called upon thy name, O LORD, out of the low dungeon.
56Thou hast heard my voice: hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry.
57Thou drewest near in the day that I called upon thee: thou saidst, Fear not. 58O LORD, thou hast pleaded the causes of my soul; thou hast redeemed my life

 

[HorizonBlue]

Hi annrobert!

i totally forgot about Jeremiah, it was a long time ago since i red the Bible...guess i should start reading it again...
but Jeremiah's lamentations will be my spiritual food for today..
thank you for reminding me about that part of the Bible-it has made me to read it here and then again in my own language...it is really comforting to read things in the Bible that are so similar to the way we feel sometimes...

Hold on, annrobert...God never gives us more than we can handle-its important for me to keep that in my mind whatever difficulty im facing..

 

[HorizonBlue]

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

 

[annrobert]

Hi HorizonBlue,
Just coming to see how you are doing?

I wanted to give you another passage to read that I find comforting.

Psalm 139


1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.
14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! 18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee


Hope you are feeling better.

Hold on, annrobert...God never gives us more than we can handle-its important for me to keep that in my mind whatever difficulty im facing..

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

Thankyou for that encouragement (smile)
annrobert

 

[myanchor]

Oh, that is totally different animal altogether than just depression. Bipolar or manic-depressive disorder has a totally different treatment than unipolar depression. I definitely recommend you see a psychiatrist. He or she can diagnose your disorder properly and any co-morbidities. (Fancy way of saying whatever else is disregulated in you, like maybe agoraphobia, anxiety disorders and so on)

I really do encourage you to see a psychiatrist and a christian psychologist who will work with you and make you work to develop insight as to why you fell this way and how to recognize the onset of symptoms and learn totally new self talk.

AnnRobert, you are such a sweetie. Let God wrap you up in his arms and give you his strength to deal with what you have to.

 

[flowers over the wall]

Hello, you sound like me a few years ago... I have written a Bible study, it's more for diet but it has a lot to do with depression also. Here is an excerpt from it that may help you.

I want to tell you a story that may help you, It is a true story about a dear friend of mine. I love my friend but at a young age, she started an unhealthy relationship with an abuser. This abuser was a bully and had no mercy; she would put her down at every turn. The bully would say, “You are stupid you only have a seventh grade education, you’re a loser, you will never lose weight, and you have tried dieting so many times and have never been successful. Your fine for two or three weeks, then you run out of gas, what makes you think this time is different”?

She would make rude comments on the way my friend looked. She would say, “You have huge pores in your nose and a big white, blubbery, pasty, stomach.” She would constantly tell her she was ugly, every single time she caught sight of her she would tell her she was repulsive. It was brutal, and constant, every time my friend had a success the bully would knock her down. Every time my friend was in a social situation, the bully would point out all her faults. She would tell the other people at the party that my friend was fat.

I think the bully in her own sick way was trying to protect my friend, because she would tell my friend “they won’t accept you if you don’t show them you know your not as good as they are, If I build them up by putting you down they might like you.” Then when my friend and the bully were alone, she would berate her for all the stupid things she said at the party.

People who were close to my friend would try to tell her the bully was wrong, but my friend didn’t believe anything good about herself. She had listened to the bully to long. The bully drove her to the brink of suicide. She tried to kill herself three times, thank God she wasn’t successful.

Do you think my friend could ever be successful as long as she continued the relationship with the bully?

No matter how much self-esteem you have when you are constantly being told you are bad, you start to believe it. What do you think happened to my friend in the end?

If you haven’t already guessed, I am my friend and I was alsothe bully. The way I used to talk to myself was horrifying. You cannot succeed; let me say that again YOU ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT SUCCEED UNTIL YOU GET OUT OF THE HABIT OF VERBAL SELF ABUSE. You may as well quit now if you can’t make the commitment to break this habit. Would you talk to your child the way you talk to yourself? It’s time to stop this destructive habit. I can’t stress how important it is for you to end this.

You’re probably thinking, “I can’t stop, I have been doing it too long.” If you try, God will bless it I promise. This is how you do it, you look at yourself in the mirror and if your alone say it out loud, if not, in your mind, “God made me beautiful, I am beautifully and wonderfully made, I am the temple of the Holy Spirit, my steps are ordered by God. God only sees the good in me. I am well able to fulfill the destiny God has planned for my life, look at how good I look, the best is yet to come, God is pleased with me. I am a good friend; I am a wonderful Christian because if not, God would not have chosen me. I try my hardest all the time. God is perfecting me every day. He is well able to give me all I can ask or imagine because He loves me. Everything that God allows in my life is good, you good looking thing you”… I mean you need to go on and on.

Everyone has a conversation going on in his or her heads at all times (your internal dialog). Your subconscious mind records everything people say to you and what you say to yourself, literally, and records it for later use.


Be nice to yourself, then God can use you to help others. I’m not talking about being egotistical, I’m not talking to the person who thinks they are better than others, that is a whole other issue, and I am not telling you, you are better than others I am telling you, you are just as wonderful, special and blessed as anyone.


Read I Corinthians 3:17If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.

Some of the definitions of Defile are: To profane or sully, to demean the pureness or excellence.

What are you doing to the temple God gave you when you abuse yourself?
I was demeaning the beautiful gift God made for me with His own hands. I was so ungrateful. Finish the blanks from the scripture above

I Corinthians 3:17If anyone defiles the temple of God, _____________________________
For the temple of God is holy, which temple____________________.

We are not immune to Gods discipline, no wonder my body was falling apart, I was treating it with such distain. Look through all the red text in your New Testament; did Jesus ever, ever put Himself down?

You need to be a caregiver to your self, not a bully. You need to make the commitment to changing the way you talk to yourself, and how you treat yourself. Nurture yourself; look at yourself the way God looks at you. Nurture yourself with Gods words of love to you.



Love, Kelli

 

[HorizonBlue]

I'm sick and tired of being lost and down and depressed and to spend my given days without a goal...I'm just trying to collect enough will to get out of the bed each day and to receive my share of daily punches to the head and the heart...keep on moving, like Winter wrote..

Lord, I'm going to take the maximum out of my life, and You open me the path or You close all doors which can never be open...it’s all failure I’ve done so far, all meaningless, all empty shell without the deeper meaning...i mean, everything we dreamed of.......hah, all the best laid schemes of mice and men....

I don’t have friends which can understand how I'm struggling with my demon, although i know a lot of people; i don’t write blog or keep the diary, but i only have rare opportunities like this where i bring my naked soul for other people to judge it or to understand it; its up to You whom will You bring here and allow Your word to be spread through them...and hope something will stick to my heart and stay with the in my time of need..

I'm still living, I'm still grabbing from the well of hope and optimism, but the bucket is hitting the ground...my hands are getting tired of trying my luck, because every throw is getting harder and harder....
but teach me, Lord, even if it hurts me...im ready to perish in Your lecture if its Your will..forgive me if Im feeling the fear creeping behind me while awaiting for what will be Your will..forgive me...

i wonder if my dream will ever come true...i don’t know what keeps me going.. in most of the cases I’ve been wrong with my life choices...i don’t understand You, Lord, and I never will...i don’t understand where are you leading me and in the most of the cases i don’t understand what You're showing me or why...but...but I’m trying even if it feels like somebody is tearing the flesh from my body...i only have couple of moments when i feel strong enough to even talk to You, and this is it...it will be all over in the morning when i wake up and start one more day with the fear from everything that's surrounding me...the fear from my feelings, fear from other peoples’ opinion, fear from what I won't become and shame from what I could have become if I had played the cards right i was given....You gave me so much opportunities and blessed me with so many things, and its all just slipping between my fingers...

i see so many people who are suffering, and i feel i don’t even deserve to ask You for a help when my pains are compared to theirs..

I'm just saying how it feels while You’re teaching me and bringing me to the right path...

 

[Everlasting33]

For the same reason you give others compassion/care on this board, return the favor onto yourself.

Reflect and pray and really ask yourself:Why am I not deserving of these good things? Who says and how do I know this "voice" is right?

 

[Miss Elly]

Hi everyone!
I've started a new day and just want you to know that I'm fighting against "my demon"...
i feel i dont have enough strenght and Im doing onlyone possible thing left: I gave Jesus the rudder of my life...and Im affraid of it-what if He asks something from me i cannot fulfill or i dissapoint Him...it hurts me so much to sin, but i dont have power to stay on His path. i know He's just trying to teach me and help my faith to grow, but the "Dear xyx.." note would be just fine as well... (don't mind me being sarcastic, i tend to run away to humour whenever im under a stress)

i will not give in, not because Im brave or strong, but because I wont let "my demon" rest whenever i have power to challenge him, just the way he's been tourturing me every single day... at the moment im wrestling with this condition while tears are dropping from my eyes...really....and i dont even remember when was the last time i cried before today...( or before i've made this post)

thank you...i hope Lord Jesus will give me the strenght in the future to help people the same way you all are helping me....

Hi Horizon Blue,

You know what I did once when I was in the throes of a terrible depression and I was full of anxiety as well, my mind was so tormented I couldn't stand it. I felt terrible, hadn't been able to sleep much or do anything. Something told me to tell the demon to go in the name of Jesus, to speak it out. I felt so weak and I certainly didn't have any tingles running up and down my arms like God was near. I said, devil I rebuke you in Jesus name. And I saw it, I really did. There was a huge black cloud filling the room until I said it, then I saw it shrink down to a very tiny little demon and fly out the window as fast as lightening. I felt the victory and knew the demon was gone. The name of Jesus works, satan and his demons hate that name. Be encouraged. Please take some good vitamins (especially vitamin B 12 complex), that will help relieve the stress factor I've been told. It helped me. Am praying for you.

 

[Roadrunner3]

Heavenly Father,
I lift up to you the difficult feelings, the drear, the lethargy that has plagued HorizonBlue. May his horizons blossom with the light of Your love, may all of the
feelings of fear flee, give him steadiness in his emotions and clarity in his vision.
Open up a path of healing for him, and give him the wisdom and strength needed to
take the first steps along that path. Make the resources of help available to him,
give him the insight and inspiration needed to avail himself of these resources. May he discover horizons of joy.

RR

 

[miss-a]

Hi Horizon,

I'd been wondering how you were doing. I'm so sorry you're in a low spot. It's tough going through those times when you have some up moments and think the darkness is finally gone and then it returns with a vengence. I know the pattern well. But it is getting a little lighter for me and it will for you as well. Trials do end. Vallies are the spaces between mountains. As Charles Stanley put it, "They have an opening on both ends." We are not captive in the valley, though we often feel like it. That's the demon's lie. We are being led by the shepherd through the valley. There is a mountain top waiting for you with Jesus' plan for your life etched in its flint. And He's with you every step of the way. I know you know that.

There is a GREAT teaching by Charles Stanley on the link to his archive. In Touch Ministries :: Video Archives - In Touch Ministries - Dr. Charles Stanley 2009 It's June 2005 and its called Walking With God Through the Dark Times. Give that a listen, okay. Also if you go to his home page www.intouch.org this week's sermon is called Our God of Comfort. That would be a great one as well. Get some truth into you. The lies are trying to take over.

It's great that you are praying. Your prayer is authentic and heartfelt and God feels it in His heart and is answering. Your prayer proves the closeness of God to you, that you would even be inclined to pray. Here are some great prayers from Praying God's Word that have helped me:

My faithful God, help me to see to it that no one takes me captive through hollow and decpetive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. (Col 2:8)

Lord, even though I may feel covered in darkness, even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You. (Ps. 139:12) Cloak me in Your presence, God, for in You is no darkness at all.

Who is like Your children, O God, a people saved by the Lord? You are my shield and helper and my glorious sword. Cause my enemy to cower, Lord! Trample down his high places. (Deut 33:29)

I'm glad you wrote. Keeping you in prayer.
Blessings, A

 

[DennaVeritas]

You can do it! : )

 

[DennaVeritas]

A poem for you:

I cried out to the Lord,
Tears fell from my eyes,
The hands in front of me trembled,
The ground beneath me shook, and fell away.
I breathed in, and out afraid,
of what would come my way,
But instead was upheld by something strong,
A strength not of my own,
A strength I'de long since known,
and in letting go I realized,
that He was by my side,
and when I tried to hide,
had called for me to tell me the truth,
You are never alone, I am always with you,
To lift you up from the lies of that fallen angel I defeated years ago,
I am your God, be still..
In my arms, and let me rock you to peaceful rest.

He loves you! This is not your fight, God has won it for you. Let Him lead you
to the peaceful waters of Psalm 23. : )!

 

[annrobert]

Lord Jesus help Horizon Blue
to know that you will see him through
there's nothing that he has to do
but rest within the arms of You


Jesus is a Friend who sticks closer than a brother.


Romans 8

31What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?

32He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?
33Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth.
34Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us.
35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor

principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39Nor

height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from

the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Hebrews 4:16
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

1 Peter 5:7
Casting ALL your care upon him; for he careth for you.

I just want to encourage you Horizonblue and I hope you get stronger and stronger everyday.Jesus loves you, keep coming here for support and help from everyone okay.
annrobert

 

[myanchor]

HB please check out the bipolar folks forum. They can relate to both phases. We can help you some here with the down side, and we will, but they can help you with both too.