Does It Matter Who Asks?

[Peter_in_Christ]

Indeed, and think of this.... the Bible also phrases it this way, "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." That is a very high calling considering the way Christ loved the church.

I agree... was too tired to write any more at 1 am in the morning...

In Him,

Peter

 

[CarrierOfChrist]

Men are supposed to be the pursuers. Women should never ask. Be patient. After all, the man is supposed to be the head of the house, not the woman, so do not take on the "man's" role in the relationship so-to-speak.

 

[Hediru]

Interesting discussion. I think that it is ok for a woman to ask a man on a date, but when it becomes to proposing marriage, I believe that it should be up to the man. The 2 relationship stages might seem similar but the level of commitment between the two are polar opposites. I feel that if a woman is too impatient to wait for a man to propose to her, then maybe she is not as ready for marriage as she thinks. Just a rambling opinion, not meaning to offend anyone.

 

[ditzydancer86]

Definitely agree Hediru, even though I am very big on not following traditional gender roles (mainly because I am very independent) it is definitely the man's place to ask a woman to marry him. I have a pretty good idea on how guys work, seeing as I am the only girl under 40 in my family, and if a girl proposes before the guy is even thinking about marriage, he might just say yes, only because he loves her, and doesnt want to upset her. Guys are the more flighty in relationships, so it's better to wait for him to ask, because when he asks, you know for sure that he really wants to go through with it

 

[AngylBelle]

Ok, so there is the tradition of the man asking the woman to marry him. Now adays there are women who will sometimes ask to.

So, what do you think about that?

Would you, as a woman, ask?

Would you, as a man, say no just because she asked (and even if you wanted to marry)?

I don't see a problem with it...but I am one who doesn't like to follow traditions either...

Had he not popped the question first, yes, I would have. In the past, I had asked guys out on dates so taking the initiative in a relationship is not a problem for me.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Well, I do believe in the man asking. I would never ask a guy to marry me. One of the reasons is because of what Leanna said "would we feel less loved if we asked?" Well, I know I would. I want him to be the one to make the decision; for him to ask. When we first started dating...I sort of had to ask him. Well, not really...just I said that I needed to know if we were just hanging out as friends or if we were going to date....it took him about a week to think that over...boy, I was a mess...and a bit upset that it took him that long to figure it all out. Why does it take so long for men to decide things?

Anyways, my bf and I have been dating for a little over 2 years now. Sometimes I just want him to ask because we have been together for so long, and spend so much time with each other already. However, I know that there are some issues that we have discussed as to why the wait...they make sense from the man's point of view...lol...so I will just have to wait. But no, I would never ask.....

 

[lacedinlavender]

Personally, I wouldn't ever propose to my boyfriend, but I've always been the type of girl who always wants the guy to make the move--even with initiating the relationship, etc. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a woman proposing, though, and it's just my personal decision that I wouldn't.

Starling2003, you sound just like me! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 7 months and the wait for him to propose is so HARD that I would just like to go ahead and ask him. Like you and yours, my boyfriend and I have discussed several reasons why we need to wait and areas that we both need to improve on in our relationship before we make the committment of getting engaged/married.

Jen

 

[ChildOfGod20]

Personally, I wouldn't ever propose to my boyfriend, but I've always been the type of girl who always wants the guy to make the move--even with initiating the relationship, etc. I don't think that there is anything wrong with a woman proposing, though, and it's just my personal decision that I wouldn't.

Starling2003, you sound just like me! My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 7 months and the wait for him to propose is so HARD that I would just like to go ahead and ask him. Like you and yours, my boyfriend and I have discussed several reasons why we need to wait and areas that we both need to improve on in our relationship before we make the committment of getting engaged/married.

Jen

LOL I'm like that too. i've told him before "if you don't hurry up and ask me i'm gonna ask you instead" hehe he knows i'm just kidding though

 

[Leanna]

LOL I'm like that too. i've told him before "if you don't hurry up and ask me i'm gonna ask you instead" hehe he knows i'm just kidding though

 

[keyz]

LOL I'm like that too. i've told him before "if you don't hurry up and ask me i'm gonna ask you instead" hehe he knows i'm just kidding though

errr.. that's one way to drive a guy nuts.

 

[Hediru]

LOL I'm like that too. i've told him before "if you don't hurry up and ask me i'm gonna ask you instead" hehe he knows i'm just kidding though

Yeah, I hear ya, both ChildOfGod and Starling. My bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years now. I know he's gonna pop the question. I just don't know when. And admittedly, I'm getting impatient. But I know he has it all planned out and I don't want to ruin his plan by jumping the gun and asking him first. Though I will admit that it is very tempting sometimes. Just hurry up and ask me, already! LOL

 

[Chan1976]

I know my fiance would have loved it if I had proposed to him.. we both love unconventional ideas. He was faster than me though.

 

[Cordy]

Hmm… although I don’t think I felt the “need” to propose myself, I don’t think I would want to marry a guy who is so insecure that he would feel threatened or less of a “man” if a woman proposes marriage to him. Does the man have to come up with all the ideas? Are women not allowed to propose ideas, too? Are we not allowed to ask questions? If a woman would rather wait, that is up to her, but I certainly don't think it is wrong if she asks questions, even serious questions, too.

 

[bumblebee62331]

I've always been really traditional on this - even with dating, I prefer that the man ask me. But I have nothing against a woman who wants to do it. My boyfriend and I have talked about this and decided that when the time comes, he will ask me.

 

[Leanna]

LOL I'm like that too. i've told him before "if you don't hurry up and ask me i'm gonna ask you instead" hehe he knows i'm just kidding though

This is one of the things I think is so terribly wrong with this arrangement where men "lead" and women feel impatient because their man is not "leading" they way they envision. It leads to women becoming nagging manipulators behind the scenes trying to do their own sneaky "leading." Since so many do not think it is acceptable for a woman to be open and honest about her feelings and have both parties in a relationship make decisions together the woman has to manipulate behind the scenes by "hinting" or "jokine" and nag continually to get the man to react. It is so much simpler for these things to be decided through the communication of both parties. It is never good to leave one party or the other impatient and wondering where they stand in the great scheme of things.

 

[Cordy]

This is one of the things I think is so terribly wrong with this arrangement where men "lead" and women feel impatient because their man is not "leading" they way they envision. It leads to women becoming nagging manipulators behind the scenes trying to do their own sneaky "leading." Since so many do not think it is acceptable for a woman to be open and honest about her feelings and have both parties in a relationship make decisions together the woman has to manipulate behind the scenes by "hinting" or "jokine" and nag continually to get the man to react. It is so much simpler for these things to be decided through the communication of both parties. It is never good to leave one party or the other impatient and wondering where they stand in the great scheme of things.

So true!

 

[ChildOfGod20]

This is one of the things I think is so terribly wrong with this arrangement where men "lead" and women feel impatient because their man is not "leading" they way they envision. It leads to women becoming nagging manipulators behind the scenes trying to do their own sneaky "leading." Since so many do not think it is acceptable for a woman to be open and honest about her feelings and have both parties in a relationship make decisions together the woman has to manipulate behind the scenes by "hinting" or "jokine" and nag continually to get the man to react. It is so much simpler for these things to be decided through the communication of both parties. It is never good to leave one party or the other impatient and wondering where they stand in the great scheme of things.

wow i thought we were done with the submission/leadership thing since u pointed out there is already a thread in the women's forum. i'm sorry you think it's so terribly wrong for men to "lead." it is biblical. it doesn't mean husbands make all the decisions and wives just sit around and wait and go along with it. that's not what it means at all and i think that's what you're making it out to be. We make all of our decisions together based on what God wants. when it's time for us to get married, we will make that decision together. it's all up to God's perfect timing. and who thinks a woman shouldn't be open and honest about her feelings??? goodness we tell each other everything! i hope everyone else here feels the same way. it's so hard on a relationship to keep feelings inside. i couldn't imagine not being open, especially when I know this is the person I am going to marry. and as I already stated before, God told me that my boyfriend will know when it is time for him to pop the question.

 

[Cordy]

I don’t think Leanna’s point is about submission. It is just that often times in relationships where men are expected to “lead” by making the decisions and initiating, women become master manipulators. I remember watching “Wedding Stories” on TV, and when sharing their story of before they married, some couples would discuss how the girl would drop hints all over the place to let her boyfriend know she wanted to be proposed to. That is not being open or direct with the other. If a woman really wants to get married, and knows the guy does, too, then make a formal decision to marry and get on with things already. If a guy wants to marry a girl, and knows she is waiting for a proposal, he shouldn’t hold up and not let her know how he feels, either. He should open with her, make the decision to marry and get on with things. Seriously, I think we somtimes love the formalities we have created for engagement more than the meaning of it.

If you want to wait for him to “pop the question”, go for it. Some people just like the tradition of things for tradition, and that is their decision. Sometimes these scenarios work out just fine. Sometimes, however, they become manipulative, as mentioned above. I would personally rather err on the side of openess and honesty, rather than tradition.

If God tells you something personally, I would not tell you otherwise. I am simply speaking in a broad sense.

 

[Tuffguy]

This is one of the things I think is so terribly wrong with this arrangement where men "lead" and women feel impatient because their man is not "leading" they way they envision. It leads to women becoming nagging manipulators behind the scenes trying to do their own sneaky "leading." Since so many do not think it is acceptable for a woman to be open and honest about her feelings and have both parties in a relationship make decisions together the woman has to manipulate behind the scenes by "hinting" or "jokine" and nag continually to get the man to react. It is so much simpler for these things to be decided through the communication of both parties. It is never good to leave one party or the other impatient and wondering where they stand in the great scheme of things.

Men bring things up when it weighs their mind. I'm not getting married till i am good and ready. If a man is 80% sure he wants to marry the girl, and she asks him he may feel pressured. Its not a good thing for a relationship if the guy feels pressured to do pretty much anything. We don't like it. I detest it.
You're taking the perspective from a position of the man doing an improper job leading. If the man is leading the relationship and communicating like any normal man, then things will work out fine. As they do in my own relationship.

You said ....
"Since so many do not think it is acceptable for a woman to be open and honest about her feelings and have both parties in a relationship make decisions together the woman has to manipulate behind the scenes by "hinting" or "jokine" and nag continually to get the man to react."

Where in the world do people say that they don't want women to express their own feelings? The man leading does not mean he keeps the woman in a prison in the basement and only lets her up to make meals. Where do you get this twisted view of a man leading?

The issue you point out isn't one of leading or roles but communication.

 

[Leanna]

I don’t think Leanna’s point is about submission. It is just that often times in relationships where men are expected to “lead” by making the decisions and initiating, women become master manipulators. I remember watching “Wedding Stories” on TV, and when sharing their story of before they married, some couples would discuss how the girl would drop hints all over the place to let her boyfriend know she wanted to be proposed to. That is not being open or direct with the other. If a woman really wants to get married, and knows the guy does, too, then make a formal decision to marry and get on with things already. If a guy wants to marry a girl, and knows she is waiting for a proposal, he shouldn’t hold up and not let her know how he feels, either. He should open with her, make the decision to marry and get on with things. Seriously, I think we somtimes love the formalities we have created for engagement more than the meaning of it.

Right! She understood completely. It is not about submission.... I was trying to make these points (see above).

Another thing I was trying to say is that too many times women say they want the man to lead, but if that is really the case, how does this "I hint about him asking me to marry him" fit into it. Putting pressure is just an underhanded way of "leading".... I see it too many times. Manipulation is too many Christian's "politically correct" way of leading as a woman.