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Does God want me to be single by not sending any men with whom I can connect?

Discussion in 'GEN X (1965 to 1980)' started by Lybrah, Feb 4, 2020.

  1. Broken Fence

    Broken Fence God blessed and hallowed the 7th day Supporter

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    God will bring you a husband I have no doubt. Been keeping my vow no sex til marriage 18 years. I am a man waiting on a wife. There is someone for you be patient and don't settle. Stand strong in The Lord.
     
  2. JohnDB

    JohnDB Regular Member

    +1,249
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    I've seen this before.
    And this mindset exists out there.... you aren't alone in your feelings. I've seen some absolutely gorgeous, beautiful, and highly intelligent and talented women wanting to have a husband....and somehow unable to make the personal connection required for a dating life much less than actual marriage.

    And I have the answer but you probably aren't going to enjoy it much.

    Practice some grace for those who are eligible dating partners.

    You remember the definition of grace... unmerited favor.

    Then there's the whole other side of the coin....:
    You could be wrong about other people.

    And then between your focus on ensuring that you live perfectly, dress perfectly, behave perfectly, and grow on different levels you are missing the opportunities to behave more graciously towards the men in your life. While you are focusing on your many feelings you have experienced usually guys are just beginning to notice that they are having one (identification of the feeling is not yet completed)
    Again requiring more grace on your part.

    Then there's one last thing that you might want to consider.
    Relocating.

    I've been to DC...the women outnumber the men something to the tune of 9:1.
    Those kind of ratios don't really create a "buyer's market" for women looking for men.
    And generally the men use this as an excuse for poor behavior and hygiene.

    But you are looking for the Christian man. One who doesn't wear boxers inside out because the seams chaff. One who is a real man but Christian at the same time.

    Yeah...they are unicorns...elusive to the point of being a mythological creature. And any who do exist are removed from existence by the pretty face who decided to be an opportunist and get that unicorn as he walked by. (Right place/right time scenario)
    And being anywhere within a six hour driving radius from DC makes the pickings super slim.

    Guys are easy.(I'm one of them) to make happy. We need to be cared for and fed...and disciplined to behave properly.
    But what drives us...what we are actually all about you are not going to find out in a group setting. We reserve those thoughts to a much more private conversation that we are fairly sure no one else will find out about. It takes real time to find out about a guy.

    Those offhand comments that you find as "red flags" aren't defining them as you are thinking. Take some time to get to know them. Give the guys some grace filled ego stroking comments and likely you will find that you will be able to make some male friends.
     
  3. Lybrah

    Lybrah Active Member

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    Feelings do determine if a man is the right one. How could that be a bad thing?
     
  4. Lybrah

    Lybrah Active Member

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    But I'm often not feeling it after just three dates. The guy, however, wants to start getting intimate and I don't want to. I tried to force myself to like some guys because they seemed like they were right for me. But the feelings weren't there.
     
  5. JohnDB

    JohnDB Regular Member

    +1,249
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    Don't feel pressured to breed just because some guy feels the need to.
    And some guys put some pressure on you to become intimate not because they truly want to but simply as a real way of letting you know that they are interested in you.
    And I would stop with the dating scenario...uhhhhh too much pressure and you still aren't going to find out what you really want to know about them anyway.

    Do stuff together with others. Dinner club type stuff. Community service involvement type things. Be sure to bring something that one of the guys might take an exceptional liking to. (Cake or treats)
    Be A FRIEND... before you do anything else.

    Guys in the age range you are going to be interested in don't take dating seriously...there's plenty of that running around. But their female friends? Ones they really respect and like? Completely different story if they happen to score a date with them. Get to really become friends. Know who their parents are...who their other buddies are...what troubles they really face at work despite what they say their obstacles are.
    You can be very subtly flirty without being obvious...never anything that they could put their finger on as flirting. But mostly just be a friend.

    You can actually get what you want.
    The dating world is Soo nuts. (It's scary out there)
    I gave up on finding a nice normal woman...
    And that was when she found me. Well we met online here on this forum.
    There was a lady at my church that fit the earlier profile I gave who was all beside herself when my wife has a very similar CV as she does...every time she sees us it brings it right back up.
    But a guy takes a "Not even if Hell froze over" as a lifetime "NO"...and we don't look back.
    Mature Christian men are scarce...we ain't wasting time when we can't even be civil friends with a woman. We guys want friends. Marriage, sex, and the comfortable bed? Meh...it's ok... usually a lot of hassle for it when playing the field can get you that easy enough.
    But a bonafide friend? Too few and hard to come by. Someone you can talk to... someone who might not have all the answers but cares enough to listen.
     
  6. mama2one

    mama2one Well-Known Member

    +8,168
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    if you're just going by "feelings" you won't get anywhere...feelings are fickle
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2020
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  7. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

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    christine40,

    Thank you for the reminder and for sharing your experiences. I recently reread God is a Matchmaker by Derek Prince and listened to an excellent series on covenantal relationships by him which echoed the same.

    Sometimes we’re afraid God’s choice will be unappealing and we’re reluctant to open ourselves to possibilities in different guises. As you demonstrated in your comment.

    But the proof is in the pudding and you made the right choice. :)

    Yours in His Service,

    ~Bella
     
  8. Jaxxi

    Jaxxi Well-Known Member

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    I know what you mean. Some great guys that are totally good for you and good to you just aren't the one. In this day and age though the pickings are slim as good husband material is few and far between. Mens values have changed or something. The culture has become so superficial and perverse with pornography and infidelity. Like everyone does it and it is normal. It is not normal. When I was growing up people went on dates. Occasionally you would have the taboo " one night stand". Nowadays " hookups" are the thing, where the first date is a meeting based entirely around sex and there is no getting to know someone. Men are the number one threat to women so how is this even remotely a good idea? I have been asked blatantly rude, forward, perverted things by taxi drivers like it was no big deal and the level of disrespect is astonishing. I don't know if I would trust another human being with the salvation of my soul. It is too important to me and for the most part your everyday run of the mill human being that is out there today honestly is not worth it.

    * I am not saying there are no exceptions but you will need a fine tooth comb and a magnifying glass plus a background check to find some decent worthy candidates, whether male or female!
     
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  9. Abide with me.

    Abide with me. Member

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    ( 1 ) Yes! You can't marry a man just because he ticks the boxes I.e he's good or impressive etc but you don't have feelings for him, it doesn't work, it's called 'settling' for anyone, rather than 'the someone', and it breaks both hearts, believe me I've been on both sides of this fence and it's very painful for both concerned either side of the coin, I think God gives us feelings and a brain so we can use both.
    ( 2 ) She didn't say that, she just said she wants a man, nothing unusual or abnormal in that, and have a bit of compassion for a middle aged woman who feels self conscious for being the odd one out amongst her friends.
     
  10. Abide with me.

    Abide with me. Member

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    I really feel for you Lybrah,
    I've been single and passed up some nice guys, but if it was meant to be it would have happened, no power on earth can keep two available hearts from being together if they both badly wanted it.
    Obviously it doesn't necessarily work out even when you fall truly madly deeply, but then neither is it guaranteed to work out if only the head is engaged in the initial process, is he ticks all the boxes but there is little or no physical attraction one or both ways then in my experience what little there was to start with soon evaporates and usually ends up in frustration, resentment and possible ruination, unless you were honest from the outset and say, I like you, but I don't love you, and will never desire you, however, I do want a family / companionship, a family / secure home, an escape from loneliness and someone to have sex with when I feel the need, and to make me feel less of an outsider, if you feel the same way about me then maybe we can have an agreement, but just remember, if you do meet Mr or Mrs right after we get married, too bad, you're stuck with me, sounds bleak? I have it on good authority that lots of marriages are built on this basis, but without the honesty about the love and desire bit.
    The really terrifying thing about life is it's a gamble, how long do you hold out for the right one, worse for a woman with a biological clock, is this as good as it will ever get? Is it better to be miserably single than miserably married?
    I only got my happy ever after from praying earnestly for God's guidence, then I allowed myself to be lead by a friend to do online dating and found the love if my life, now my long time husband, but I will never forget all those years I went without, so I really sympathise with you.
    It's horrible to not be able to have feelings other than friendship when you're with a really nice guy, you know they deserve better, but we don't get to choose who we are physically attracted to, that is either granted to us or not, it's out of our hands, and it's not fair on anyone to enter into a relationship like this as it puts unfair expectations on one, whilst breaking the others heart if those feelings are one sided, however if you decide that a deep and trusting friendship with a man can work give it a go, but above all, honesty, honesty, honesty.
     
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2021
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  11. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

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    The parental investment in child rearing is lacking. The qualities once associated with men are fleeting. The thin-skinned modern man frequently lacks confidence and toughness. And many are too emotional.

    That isn’t someone you can follow. They aren’t prepared to shoulder the responsibilities men absorbed long ago. They’re too busy whining and complaining. Suck it up is a thing of the past. I want someone who can handle life’s challenges without coming undone.

    The American church created a monster. Marriage is no longer a step one takes when meeting a viable suitor. It defines them and its omission is cataclysmic. They’ve wrapped their world and worth around its attainment.

    You have a lot of incomplete people seeking completion through matrimony. They’ve never learned to thrive alone. They believe the relationship will solve all their problems. Wipe away the insecurities and baggage. It’s the magic wand.

    But your partner can’t fix you. Only God can. We all have to do some soul work and singleness is a great time to start. You’ll enter the union noticeably lighter and healthier too.

    I wouldn’t marry without a background check. The primacy of marriage compels deception. They’ll withhold the truth if they think you’ll leave. We have a right to know who we’re committing to. If they didn’t agree I wouldn’t marry them

    ~bella
     
  12. Jaxxi

    Jaxxi Well-Known Member

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    All good points but I should add that women are not entirely innocent in the Quantum leap. The Women's movement put women in careers where they outshined their male counterparts and basically left the kids to be raised by relatives, day care, or nannies and in cases where the parents split up, alone. Don't get me wrong- I get it. Women's equality, Blah blah but the families suffered. Men got insecure. Thus born the ' Sugar Mama's. I don't know how the American Church created a monster, but I know Hugh Hefner and Larry Flint did. Men are so perverse and one tracked it has become impossible to think of a nice man taking you out to dinner without being asked inappropriate questions and assuming it's a free-for-all. Let's just say the quality of people has changed. The media exploits women in the name of strength. It is no secret that the music industry invested in a bunch of for profit prisons and told the rappers to rap about violence and guns to keep the prisons full to make them money. The whole world is selling out to the devil for a quick buck they will have for a second compared to eternity.
     
  13. bèlla

    bèlla ⭐️ Supporter

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    There's culpability on both sides. :)

    The Women's Movement would have little effect on happy campers. If the marriage was fulfilling and mutual respect and regard was plentiful; earning a wage wouldn't diminish the union. But that wasn't the case. There were a lot of disgruntled women at home. Work became an escape hatch that provided the autonomy and recognition they lacked. They didn't want to be under his thumb.

    It's important to recognize your partner's contribution. Whether it's financial, domestic, etc. Everybody wants to be appreciated. Taking people for granted never ends well.

    Insecurity is innate and often begins in childhood. That's where the breach occurs. We compensate for those experiences as an adult. Which is why some men define themselves by their work or what they earn. Performance may have been the lone avenue for notice. If he got good grades or an award they made a big deal. But little achievements might have gone ignored. He equates success with acceptance and seeks esteem and validation from the opposite sex. But it didn't begin with her.

    I'm not suggesting male/female interactions don't cause insecurities. But insecurity in itself is a culmination of experiences which fosters feelings of rejection, lack of safety, and so on. One encounter would rarely do it. It's the continuum which causes the problem.

    When we're insecure we have to do some housekeeping and allow the Lord to heal and restore us. We can't look to others to fix it or make us feel better. We must seek wholeness.

    Most women have no desire to be the breadwinner. And more than a few won't respect him if she is. Sometimes your market value is higher than your companion's. It takes a mature person to handle the difference. Disparities can create a negative atmosphere. High wage earners (women) must sift carefully. A suitor doesn't always reveal their discomfort. Some aren't aware.

    Marriage gets a lot of focus. Many feel invisible or ignored who don't fall in that populace. Some suggest they've made it an idol. Overemphasizing one way of being while neglecting the rest is unbalanced. Some are called to marry and others are called to singleness. Both are valuable paths.

    Gentlemen still exist. Not all men conduct themselves that way or saturate their minds with porn. Pornography is a problem. But disrespecting a woman is another matter. That's a character flaw.

    I concur. I don't agree with disparaging messages for either sex. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Women are more empowered in the media than men. The pendulum has swung in the opposite direction. Both extremes were sinful. We're called to love. Not oppress one another.

    We need God more than ever.
     
  14. Jaxxi

    Jaxxi Well-Known Member

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    Amen to that. :amen:
     
  15. DMVbirdie

    DMVbirdie New Member

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    I was surprised that a man I briefly talked with online saw my lack of dating "... or ever married as ... a red flag" as Lybrah said. We talked and then he texted me the next day saying that he couldn't get over the fact that I had a short dating relationships. But, when we talked, he told me about his relationships and that they weren't pleasing to God.


     
  16. DMVbirdie

    DMVbirdie New Member

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    It was an unpleasant surprise when a man I was talking with stopped talking with me. He said he couldn't get over the fact that I hadn't ever been in a serious relationship. However, when we talked, he told me about his "relationships" and that they weren't pleasing to God. It seems I should have been scared of him with his many previous "relationships."

    And yes, it's AWKARD and discouraging to be the only single one (my age) at family gatherings and even some church gatherings. I've read the responses below for encouragement.
     
  17. Jesusfann777888

    Jesusfann777888 Member

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    feeling's.they get in the way. You develope feeling's for a person over-time by getting to know them.

    1. Jesus Christ Created them male and female.
    2.) If you want a partner, God did not Create you to be alone.

    take your time to get to know single's who want to date and instead of looking at it from: wanting to get into a relationship, get to know who they are and what you could potentially expect by getting into a relationship.
     
  18. Freth

    Freth Seventh-day Adventist

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    I'm a fifty year old male in the same boat. I know exactly where you're coming from, because I've lived it most of my life.

    For a long time I thought I was broken, because I didn't get married, didn't have kids. I realize now that it's a societal problem vs Christian values. Simply put, I was not willing to settle for something less than I expect in a relationship. The lack of morals in society makes it super difficult to find someone who is willing to go the long haul and doesn't have unreasonable/unrealistic expectations of you.

    This is exactly why I will not allow myself to be unequally yoked. There was a time when I wasn't professing to be a Christian, when I was living in sin. I have a lot of experiences to look back on and see them for what they were, the problems and the root causes.

    It is unfortunate, but sin is the new normal and we are the new abnormal, according to society. It's much more difficult to find someone who meets the standards we set for ourselves. I don't think that's wrong. I would rather stay single than compromise my beliefs and my morality.

    What's the answer? I think for starters, for me at least, I should only be looking among Christians. Having Christianity as a foundation should make the whole process much easier. You know your faith and you know what you expect of others in your faith. Having those standards match goes a long way.

    I think it's prudent not to let loneliness become desperation, so that you settle for something less than you wanted. I also believe that a strong friendship foundation is the most important thing in a relationship. When you get to be best friends, the love is deep and true and isn't clouded by temporary emotions.

    I wouldn't lose hope. Love always comes when you least expect it.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2021
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