Does anyone here relate to me?

[TalusJumper]

I am a 45 year old male and have been going through this puzzle for over 10 years now. Not really sure why I am writing this- I guess just to vent a bit and put my feelings into writings but feel free to comment if any of this sparks some thoughts.

My physical shortcomings- I had palilalia (repeating my own words back to self after saying them) when younger, I am sensitive to bright lights and loud/ obnoxious sounds. I have an unusual walking gait- I walk with bounce (walking slightly on toes causes this). I was very slow at physical maturation. I am terrible at sports involving hand/eye coordination- this resulted in much bullying in high school. I did attempt one season of baseball in high school to please my parents- they showed up to watch me for 1/2 of one game and recently when confronted on this, they said it was because I "wasn't very good". I have terrible handwriting- it is like my hand isn't attached to my brain.

My personality- I feel somewhat robotic compared to those around me. I have been told "it is okay to have a personality at work" (by more than one person) because apparently, I don't have much of one. I am extremely logical and analytically. Everything I do must pass the logic filter in my brain- if it doesn't make sense, it is difficult for me to justify. I guess this is why I hate anything to do with activities such as dancing; it makes no sense to me.

Probably due to my logical thinking, I have no imagination. I copy other people's mannerisms, sayings and so forth to fit in. Social situations and unfamiliar public places make me uneasy. I haven't had any real friends all my life (except my wonderful wife- she is my only friend). Not that I don't want them, they just move on when they get to know me. Guess I have too much quirkiness that makes them uneasy- not really sure. I have difficulty understanding "figures of speech" and I take things literally. I don't understand facial expressions/ body language (except for the obvious smiling, crying, laughing, etc). I have much difficulty with eye contact. I hate when people break the rules. I have a temper - I can go from a good mood to enraged quickly- kind of like The Hulk (my nickname when I was a kid). I hate small talk- makes no logical sense to me. I am very driven at a given task- I dislike interruptions during a project unless they involve the same project. Also, I can drive for hours- even 24 hours or more with only brief stops, determined to get to my destination. I really enjoy working on mechanical stuff- I relate better to mechanical devices then people.

I have spent over 10 years on this quest to figure out why I am different then others and have read many other Asperger diagnosed people's stories and feel I fit right in with them. It all makes sense to me and I can relate completely.

I have started the process of getting diagnosed now through a local university (it is rather intense- involves about 8 hours of interviews and testing). I do have one fear- what if I am not diagnosed with Asperger's after all this? What then? Are the tests definitive or objective based on the one reviewing the test results? I have many symptoms but don't have a passionate obsession that fills my free time- would this exclude me from having Asperger's? I know it is just a piece of paper with or without a diagnosis- but it does mean a lot to me to know why I am psychologically different and not just "weird".

Sorry for the long post but any input to any of this would be appreciated!

 

[Autocannibal]

There are several similarities between me and you, based on your post. I think you do have Asperger's.

In the end, as you said, it is just a label, and who you are won't change regardless of diagnosis. But when I was told I had Asperger's at age 11, I wasn't at all surprised, even relieved - it felt completely natural, and yes, it would feel really weird if I was "undiagnosed". So I feel your anxiety there.

 

[dayhiker]

Yup, sounds like you are AS to me. I don't have it as intensely as you do, but I can realte to much of what your saying. The rest sounds common to those that have AS.

When you look at the AS symtoms its broken into groups. Usually an AS person only has to have 2 of 3 symtoms. So you not having a few charactoristics wouldn't mean that you aren't AS.

I can relate to your small talk view. It became logical to me to say friendship is meintained by small talk. So if I want a friend than I need to get good at small talk. So over the last 15 yrs, I've learned to be pretty good at small talk. Yet I still want to put in a lot of facts in my conversation. But people didn't want to hear me spouting facts. I then learned that people like stories. So I learned to have a story to tell and I put the facts into the story. That made it much easier for people to listen to me. And it works for me with my logic and fact based understanding of things.

 

[TalusJumper]

Autocannibal, Dayhiker,

Thanks for both of your input- I really appreciate it! At times I really feel invisible and it helps to know there is someone else that relates. It does mean a lot to me.

I didn't mention it above but my wife and I have a 19 year old son with autism (I consider it mid-functioning- kind of in the middle). My father had symptoms and my brother and his son have also been diagnosed with AS. So it really does fit but I am still very nervous about the testing and the outcome.

I start my testing tomorrow and we'll see how it goes!

 

[Letter Never Sent]

When you look at the AS symtoms its broken into groups. Usually an AS person only has to have 2 of 3 symtoms.

If I may jump in with a quick question:
What are the 3 groups/symptoms?

 

[Autocannibal]

Here's a link to a PDF that has the DSM IV criteria:

ht 8 tp://ww 8 w.margaretkay.co 8 m/PDF%20files/Asperger%27s%202010/Asperger%27s%20Diagnosis.pdf

You're going to manually copy-paste it since I need a higher post count to actually link it. Also, remove the 8's.