do you really need to want to get better?

[goldenviolet]

Dee,

My friend, you have the most inspiring words, and faith that is immeasurable.... And i am so blessed to have the Lord bring us together......I have to Praise him for that, for without him we would not know eachother....

now i would not say pleading, i will admit that i will not be seeing my nutrionist until she speaks with my therapist, bc i do not take any of her advice.....not ready, but i will contunie to see my therapist bc i feel it has a connection somewhere in my life and i need to find it to start to want to get better.....hope that makes sense......
unfortunately, i like feeling the empiness inside, espiceially without the food, but we need to find out why i want to feel empty.... without that all the shoving of the food in my mouth will not help, but inly hurt me more.....


7 that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire.........................

my feelings exactely...... i am trying to fight off something right now,

wheather in my own mind or if it is for real, satan only wants those that are a threat to him and he knew where to get me, and i am allowing him....... for now.

Like always Dee, an inspiration, and for that i thank you!
Your Sister in Christ
Denise

Denise... in tears i write, i feel the same way as you. sweetheart, each up and down is part of the process that God's loving hands are holding your salvation through. being discouraged is even something working out for your good.

when i woke up, the Lord laid a message on my heart for you:

no matter how difficult your struggles are, you are given the ability to bear fruit. your fruit is not just in your actions seen, but unseen. God uses things even we will not see in this life. God walks amoung men and the Holy Spirit teaches us, as Jesus interceeds for us.
Matthew 19:26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

God is so good!

 

[madison1101]

[But all of that does not leave me unsaved, a sinner maybe but not unsaved. god does want the sinners of the world thats why he sent his wonderful son, to die for me and you, and as the saying goes we all fall short of the glory of god...
how is one to know this is not a test of the adversary? we all go threough trials and tribulations, maybe this one is mine.....
In Christ
Denise[/QUOTE]


Denise,
I have been busy these past few weeks. I am glad you are working through all of these things.

Of course I was not saying that you are unsaved. You are currently going through what I call a valley experience. That is when we do most of our growing.

What I see happening is you are taking what you are learning about yourself in your treatment and working through it in your own way. When I started therapy, I kept a journal. It allowed me to see my progress. I would stumble and fall and feel like a failure, then reread my journal and see that I had made growth, baby steps, but growth.

I have to lay my eating disorder at the foot of the cross daily. When I take it back and binge, I have to confess and start again, with the cross.

Keep posting and keep working through it.

Phillipians 1:6 "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Don't look at today, but look forward to tomorrow when you are more like Christ. Each day, we become more like Him.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

well now i need to say this, I feel so blessed you have you all in my life, and rooting for me and the advice is welcomed not always applied but maybe one day it will. but i just need you all to know what you all mean to me, and in a way if i slide back i do not want to dissapoint anyone.....could not deal with that......emotionaly......with all that said i had such a horrible day, i literally sat on the couch and cried, all be cause i ate, not a little, but more than usual, and yes i know i will have those feelings, but those are the feelings i am not yet ready to deal with yet.......so for me not eating in more mentally stabilizing than eating.

normally also i would contemplate wheather to live or die, but i called my therapist, bc i could not handle it........i was crazy out of my mind....all over stupid food.

but just wanted to add, love and blessings to everyone here that has been so helpful
Denise

 

[madison1101]

well now i need to say this, I feel so blessed you have you all in my life, and rooting for me and the advice is welcomed not always applied but maybe one day it will. but i just need you all to know what you all mean to me, and in a way if i slide back i do not want to dissapoint anyone.....could not deal with that......emotionaly......with all that said i had such a horrible day, i literally sat on the couch and cried, all be cause i ate, not a little, but more than usual, and yes i know i will have those feelings, but those are the feelings i am not yet ready to deal with yet.......so for me not eating in more mentally stabilizing than eating.

normally also i would contemplate wheather to live or die, but i called my therapist, bc i could not handle it........i was crazy out of my mind....all over stupid food.

but just wanted to add, love and blessings to everyone here that has been so helpful
Denise

Denise, when I first stopped drinking four years ago this week, there were days when I sat on the couch and cried like a baby because I wanted a drink and didn't know how I was going to get through the night without one. I wanted to cut myself and die in the worst way. I felt awful.

I made a little comfort kit and started using it. It was just a shoe box, but in it I put stuff to make me feel better. Some candles, a CD of my favorite classical music, a meditation book, some herbal tea, and when I went through a rough evening, I took out my kit and snuggled up with my cat. I cried and cried, but after a while, I felt better and stronger.

If you have a slip, I will not be disappointed. Neither will God be disappointed. You will be disappointed, but working through that disappointment, I hope you will be able to experience how awesome God's love and grace are then.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,

thanks for the advice, at first i thought you said u put candies in the box..... candy????then i see where it said candles...lol

you know when i was a young adult, ok confession time, i was in drug rehab, took about 4 yrs on and off to get me clean. but i did it and am proud of that accomplishment. but the thing with anorexia is that you need to eat, how much you resist it, it cannot be done unlesss you eat, as with drinking and drugs yes you want them and need them but you can live without them....and trust me there are days when i think hey that would be easy to get rid of the battle going on in my head....just walk around numb......high. but that place i could never bring myself back to, but i have my moments.
also the drugs i wanted to get better, i had , had enough..could not live like that any longer didn;t want to.....

the ED i want to live like this forever...minus the mental turmoil it puts on my brain... and as sick as this sounds and even to me it sounds sick, is that i think i would not be happy until i lost 5 more lbs, but in the end i know what that means another 5, and then another.....never ending....
so for now i need to figure out why all the self hatred, so i can try and fix this bf it gets me and i have no chance left......
hey if i had to snuggle with my dog, i would be laying next to a drooling shedding 150lb MUTT!!!!! but hes my mutt, and a good one at that.
just so you know my comfort is when i am in the car which seems like always, i listen to christian music, and loud and that helps me temenduosly, i am also involved with the pta, maybe i do to much but it helps keep my mind busy and me, so yesterday we had the fall fair, i was in chatge of the pie eating contest......oh what fun, now could you believe i had some mothers and we are a small beach communty and most of us know eachother, anyway one women i know that obviously did not know my situation said wow u look good, you are such and inspiration to me? i wanted to say "d' please don;t make me that i am anorexic, bc i just blurt it out now , no more hiding it cannot anyway.....but we got distracted and to many kids so i could not.....its those comments that also mess with my head....ok i ma not thin enough, i had a women tell me the other day i looked strudy? i was like what do you mean by strudy? poor lady i would not give put until she said u do not look like you are about to fall over and then she asked do u have a ED???? it was obvious by the way i reacted to her strudy comment..... so all these little things mess with my mind, and i am so sorry for such a long post , funny thing is i could just go on and on and on.......
but thanks for the ear and the suggestions....
Blessings Denise

 

[madison1101]

. but the thing with anorexia is that you need to eat, how much you resist it, it cannot be done unlesss you eat, as with drinking and drugs yes you want them and need them but you can live without them....and trust me there are days when i think hey that would be easy to get rid of the battle going on in my head....just walk around numb......high. but that place i could never bring myself back to, but i have my moments.
also the drugs i wanted to get better, i had , had enough..could not live like that any longer didn;t want to.....
funny thing is i could just go on and on and on.......
but thanks for the ear and the suggestions....
Blessings Denise

Denise,
We have a saying in OA. An alcoholic can lock the tiger up and throw away the key, but an overeater has to walk the tiger three times a day. Eating disorders are about the hardest because we have to learn to be friends with food and not use our over, or under eating to harm our bodies.

You mentioned that you need to figure out why you are doing this with the food. Pray for God to open your eyes and see it. A good study is Beth Moore's "Breaking Free from the strongholds that bind you." Eating disorders are strongholds, and a good Bible study can help you uncover the layer of the onion of your heart.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish, when out in the stores i will look for the book, thanks for that info.....

now if i just didn't think i needed to lose more weight, then i would be at least at the start....

but i am sure i will wake up and see the real me one day, as i say i would like to be a functioning anorexic....too bad there is no such thing.....its either all or nothing....

 

[madison1101]

I understand what you are saying about belieiving the lies about the eating disorder. Satan uses our eating disorders to confuse us and make us believe lies about our bodies and the food we need to sustain us. The lie I fall for is that I can't live without sugar and bingeing. Yet, I will die if I keep eating the way my eating disorder would have me eat. For you the lie is that you must lose weight. Don't allow yourself to believe those lies. Make the choice, if you have to do it every minute of the day, identify the lie, call Satan a liar and tell him that you are choosing to believe the truth about your body. Then quote a scripture about who you are in Christ. I sometimes have to do this a lot.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,



For you the lie is that you must lose weight. Don't allow yourself to believe those lies.

to me they are not lies they are truths...... and yes i do know that satan has this way of really getting to me and me allowing him......and it is because i believe the way i look is fine.....
call Satan a liar and tell him that you are choosing to believe the truth about your body...

Trish, as easy as that sounds i just cannot not, i rather suffer......but yet there is that tiny part of me deep down inside real deep cannot get it up yet its not ready....that knows i need to get better. but not yet.when only the Lord knows, i almost feel like i am suffering for a reason.......

Denise


Have you been doing good? like i always say i think of you quite often.........

 

[madison1101]

Denise,
I understand how hard it is to believe the truth about yourself. I was in denial for an extremely long time. The truth about yourself is in you, you admitted it. You just can't really look at it yet, or accept it. That's okay. Recovery takes time.

For many people, therapy and recovery, and treatment are like peeling the layers off an onion. Who you are, the real you, is deep inside the center of the onion. The more you are willing to work at it, in treatment, and in prayer before the Lord, He will help you peel the layers.

Understand, that I have been in therapy and recovery for over fifteen years. I have not arrived yet. But, it took years of trial and error, and slips and slides before I began to be brutally honest about myself and my body.

Just don't give up on yourself. Keep a journal and write a note to yourself about the lies vs. the truth. Look back on it every so many months and see what you believe about your body then.

Pray and ask God to show you the truth. When doctors tell you about your body, believe that as truth. Same for your husband. Your eating disorder will lie to you and make you believe the lies.

It takes time. Don't get discouraged.

About me? I have been busy. I finished my degree in August and started teaching middle school in September. I am also looking for a part time job on weekends to use my degree training.

Be good.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[goldenviolet]

Denise ... you are blessed being called the daughter of God... God who is not dissapointed but enlove with you, and for you: who could be against you? even me? how could i be dissapointed in you? i can be worried for you! i can be extra proud of you! i can mourne when you mourne i can rejoyce when you rejoyce!! .... you will not disapoint me. even if you broke my heart with mourning with you in your struggles. daughter of God, first fruits of His mighty hands! who could dare go against you, or look down on you or think your struggles aren't sugnificate?

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,
thats most likely it, peeling away the layers of the onion that scare me the most, and its odd how i barely remember much about growing up, yes somethings, but not much, and then trying to remember if i was a happpy child? how would i know? or does that answer my question for itself...... so i am sure there are many layers.
Middle school huh> good i know who to come to when someone needs help with homework...lol congrats and be blessed at your Job....

Denise

 

[blessedmomof5]

Dee,

you really are an inspiration.....God has given you the gift of just saying the right things to me.....
now for that extra pound i will pass.

I am glad to hear that i will not disapoint u, or anyone else....see at times when people root for you and you know for yourself the rooting is in vain, it hurts me,,,not that i do not want one to care, but it scares me to think i will let soemone down by not wanting to get better when they want me too.....make sense? thats where the caring more for others comes in and not myself..or maybe caring more for the ED than myself....or am i the ED?

In Christ Denise

 

[madison1101]

Trish,
thats most likely it, peeling away the layers of the onion that scare me the most, and its odd how i barely remember much about growing up, yes somethings, but not much, and then trying to remember if i was a happpy child? how would i know? or does that answer my question for itself...... so i am sure there are many layers.
Middle school huh> good i know who to come to when someone needs help with homework...lol congrats and be blessed at your Job....

Denise

Denice,
As I peeled my onion, I went through a really dark spell as I worked through my traumatic childhood, and my sexual abuse. I still have times when the sex abuse rears its ugly head and messes with me today. What I learned is that the understanding the truth about my childhood helped me heal. Pray and ask God for the courage to find the truth about your childhood. He does not give us a Spirit of fear.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,

Is it ok if i ask, when you peeled the layers off is that when you realized that you had been abused? or had you known all along?

 

[Yamialpha]

I'll admitt that this is far from being my area of expertise, but I'll just say this-true victory requires 100%. Recovery is an act of free will. And, of course, there's the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

 

[blessedmomof5]

Yamialpha,

I'll admitt that this is far from being my area of expertise, but I'll just say this-true victory requires 100%. Recovery is an act of free will. And, of course, there's the old saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

I agree true victory does require 100%, but thats where i am not ready.....
have you ever been in recovery? yes free will, but the adversary is there at your weakest point and he gets ya......but not to say I am not a child of God bc i am........
but what i did not understand was this.....You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." can you please be so kind and clarify that? thanks...

 

[madison1101]

Trish,

Is it ok if i ask, when you peeled the layers off is that when you realized that you had been abused? or had you known all along?

I always knew I had sexual relations with a man 20 years older than me when I was 15. However, when I entered therapy, I told my therapist I had an affair with a married man. I did not refer to it as abuse. I saw myself as a tramp, ****, or whatever, because I slept with this man, and then any man who crossed my path. I have learned that my sexual acting out is the result of my abuse. I have also learned to view myself as the innocent girl he seduced instead of the **** I have perceived myself to be for a very long time.

The layers of the onion for me was the renewing of my mind with that incident. It was also forgiving myself for being vulnerable. I then learned to forgive my parents for not teaching me about sex. I then learned my mother had been molested at the age of five and never told any of her psychiatrists till she was in her fifties, and she has been bipolar since I was born.

If you suspect you have been abused, do not be afraid to face it. It is scary to think of, but then you are freed by the knowledge.

Beth Moore refers to something that happened in her childhood in her books. I love "Believing God." It is very powerful. You may want to get it and read it.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,

wouldn't you think at my age i would know about it by now?

Or is that the reason for being afraid to start peeling?

and my life was sounding like yours i will call it a free spirit......although thats what it was not

 

[Christdefinesme]

Trish,

wouldn't you think at my age i would know about it by now?

Or is that the reason for being afraid to start peeling?

and my life was sounding like yours i will call it a free spirit......although thats what it was not

Denise,
You know, I just wanted to interject, that when it was time for me to "start peeling" (such a great term, I love it, I've used it and heard it for a long time....) I was so afraid of the reasons I was feeling what I was feeling, and what if it's this really horrid thing that I don't remember, etc. But you've got to be really careful about what you assume about your emotions. Strong overpowering emotions don't necessarily mean you'll uncover some forgotten horrid abuse that will be horrifying to look at, etc., etc. You don't know for sure what the Lord wants uncovered, so it's really best to follow HIS lead, let HIM do the peeling, and you just walk through it one step at a time. You do not have to be afraid of what he's uncovering. Or what he'll show you. He is gentle, and if you let him lead, and if you are patient with Him and yourself, the layers will come off in just the right time in just the right way. And if you do end up in some horrible forgotten memory, then the Lord's purpose is to redeem that place in you, and heal it, not to put you through it all again. I personally realized that what I feared may be there wasn't really there, my emotions were huge and almost unbearable because they had been put in a box for so long, about many different issues, not one big scary issue. I'm not saying that you'll be the same, I just wanted to encourage you to not be afraid, walk hand in hand with the Lord. Let yourself feel, you'll get used to it with HIM. It'll get better.
May the Lord's wisdom and grace be upon you! Amen.