~*~Do you make friends on CF? ~*~

[Bridgit]

I was thinking that maybe a chat room on CF for "older" folks would be another way of knowing people better and making more friends. Just a thought.

 

[BRISH]

I just wondered if you make friends on CF or just superficial acquaintances. .

Absolutely. Unfortunately none of them live nearby, or they would be a part of my daily face to face interactions. I hope to actually meet the ones I'm closer to.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I was thinking that maybe a chat room on CF for "older" folks would be another way of knowing people better and making more friends. Just a thought.

We have one, it's the mature chat thread

 

[dayhiker]

Well, there is a difference betweem a chat room and mature chat. But that is where we can chat about any topic. Any topics can be talked about.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well, there is a difference betweem a chat room and mature chat. But that is where we can chat about any topic. Any topics can be talked about.

Oh my bad. I didn't realize it said chat ROOM. I wouldn't go to a ROOM lol.

 

[dayhiker]

lol .. I do that all the time ...

 

[Javanwarbler]

I've wondered about this too and thought that PM and email, skype, and chat are pretty much the only way to make people you meet here develop into something more than acquaintances. That friendships couldn't get closer or deeper unless one started doing those things. I've only made posts. And I believe i"ve found here a really forum as I don't do this kind of thing. Better to pick and choose than be a part of a zillion different forums that might even be scandalous!

Since i only have 27 private messages and visitor messages, I keep thinking I'm just that sort of person that people dont' have interest in getting to know and I realize i don't put myself out there and ask enough questions of others either. I am very different and very much a recluse. I'm what some people might think of as a quirky artist, but I have severe depression so that in itself stifles my motivation,and interest to reach out and get to know people. There are so many days I don't talk to anyone, online or in real life. I often find it safer, easier, and this "need" to escape and withdraw from people in order to come out of my shell again later.

It a dilema too, because I already spend way too much time on the computer now and I"m more an outside person when the weather is good so i don't make friends either here or in real life. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck both ways now. I can be funny and lighthearted so I could do that, but I need close friendships because I don't have very many! You can find me on music and art forums and I joined a music "group." Heres the catch 22: there's are so many forums here that I could be involved with and find interesting to write in, but I feel lost and not able to discern very well, what to invest in or not! Too many choices for someone who is really struggling make even the simplest decisions and where it takes me way too long!

Crap, i did it again, i came off as desperate! Another reason I dont post very often. I well too aware of needing to be careful and use online etiquette since so much is lost when communicating online!

I'm sorry

 

[dayhiker]

Javan,
Your message was fine. It speaks about who you are and gives me insight into what your living thru. I've enver had a problem with depression so I have no experiences that come close tow hat your going thru.

From your own words it does sound like it would be good to find a medium that works for you. Message boards like here CF aren't designed to direct interaction between people like in a conversation. Its a slow process of posting and then over a few hours people who want to comment, reply. At some time in the future we come back to see who responded and if we want reply back. Chatrooms are for a reply immediately and once the message scrolls off the page its gone for good usually.

So does having a some good friends help with the depression? I'd think it would. But you seem to be saying being alone is what helps and gives you strength to come out and talk again.

 

[blackribbon]

Javanwarbler....when we feel lonely, we all feel a bit desperate so you are just feeling normal.

I have made some reasonably good friendships via forums like this one. Some days it is very good. Other days I realize I have nowhere to post thoughts when I feel a bit crazy and want to be invisible...(i.e. one of my other posts).

How do I make friends? I listen to others and try to see life through their eyes so I can really "hear" them. I also think that people warm up to me because I tend to be way too transparent since my husband died...but it makes people feel like they know me and feel a connection. Sometimes my conversations go to PMs (never the others because I don't have the know-how or the technology) over specific topics but that is not the way we mostly interact. I don't have very many friends because I don't have the time or energy to invest in many people right now. I don't believe in having a great numbers of friends so much as having a few very "real" ones. These take time and patience to develop. The best ones are ones where I started out helping them either through volunteering somewhere or just noticing another person who needed a friend and become the friend that they needed.

I went through a period of my life where I really had no friends other than my husband. I remember asking God if there was some reason why I didn't deserve friends. I now know (and I think I suspected at the time) that it was a period of time where God was wanting me to learn to lean completely on him and if I had "friends", I would have turned to them instead of God. This was a period of a couple years...and then suddenly I found myself in a group where I was surrounded by "like" people and had a group of friends. I also found I had learned how to be a more selfless friend. To listen more than I talked.

I also needed that lesson on leaning completely on God instead of people in order to survive my husband's death.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Javanwarbler I didn't think you came off sounding desparate. I think you just gave some more insight to you as a person and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Right now I have one friend I see regularly on a weekly basis. She has cancer and we meet for dinner once a week. Don't usually talk otherwise except occasionally. My other friend moved about 1 1/2 hours away and since then I feel lilke she doesn't need me anymore. We are still friends, but she's too busy for me and never lets me know when she's in town (which is usually weekly!). I have a handful of long time friends that I see on FB and rarely talk to otherwise but they are still very dear to my heart. And I talk to my one step daughter on Fridays and sometimes we text during the week. I am closest to her but some things I don't want to share with her either. I go to a bible study on Sunday nights and am building friendship there but its superficial at this point.
So you really aren't all that different in my eyes. Friendships are alot of work and most of the time I feel it's ME doing ALL the work to keep these relationships going. Sometimes I'm OK with it, and other times I wish they cared about me as much as I care about them.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I feel like I know some of the people here well enough to call them friends.

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javanwarbler I didn't think you came off sounding desparate. I think you just gave some more insight to you as a person and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Right now I have one friend I see regularly on a weekly basis. She has cancer and we meet for dinner once a week. Don't usually talk otherwise except occasionally. My other friend moved about 1 1/2 hours away and since then I feel lilke she doesn't need me anymore. We are still friends, but she's too busy for me and never lets me know when she's in town (which is usually weekly!). I have a handful of long time friends that I see on FB and rarely talk to otherwise but they are still very dear to my heart. And I talk to my one step daughter on Fridays and sometimes we text during the week. I am closest to her but some things I don't want to share with her either. I go to a bible study on Sunday nights and am building friendship there but its superficial at this point.

So you really aren't all that different in my eyes. Friendships are alot of work and most of the time I feel it's ME doing ALL the work to keep these relationships going. Sometimes I'm OK with it, and other times I wish they cared about me as much as I care about them.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I feel like I know some of the people here well enough to call them friends.

I was writing responses to this thread this morning until my crap computer all of a sudden turned off. Guess it was something called a power surge that did it. But it happened right when I wrote a post here only to have it all erased! i don't know what I said but i can't seem to bring back what was a good bit of communication then!

That still must've really hurt about your friend to move away and then not be in touch when she's right in town! I'm sorry you had to go through that! You have a big heart for people so keep on keeping on

Yeah, if i could really have a few super close friends that'd be great! Maybe I'm the kind of person to be wired that way (having just a few people in my life). Which is why it'd work out the best if my spouse (if I was married and I hope it will happen!) was also my close or closest friend! You know, where you share just about everything together and do everything together.

I was wondering, when is it a bad thing to share about yourself? Did I share myself in a bad way here? I'm hoping i'll do it where it won't lead to a dead end.

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javan,
Your message was fine. It speaks about who you are and gives me insight into what your living thru. I've enver had a problem with depression so I have no experiences that come close tow hat your going thru.

From your own words it does sound like it would be good to find a medium that works for you. Message boards like here CF aren't designed to direct interaction between people like in a conversation. Its a slow process of posting and then over a few hours people who want to comment, reply. At some time in the future we come back to see who responded and if we want reply back. Chatrooms are for a reply immediately and once the message scrolls off the page its gone for good usually.

So does having a some good friends help with the depression? I'd think it would. But you seem to be saying being alone is what helps and gives you strength to come out and talk again.

I was going to write this morning but got cut off by my computer deciding to 'turn off.' Couldn't get it to start again until my computer savvy roommie (and pretty much my only good friend) came home and did similar to what i did but she kept off the 'on/off' switch for a longer period before turning it on again. I work some nights hence the hour right now.

(To bolded part of what you wrote) Answer to your question: yes! Oh I definitely need some close friends, something that is lacking. I'll just end up really hating myself if I'm alone by myself all that time!


I do know what's like a little to have a healthier balance. I was closer to it (but still a long ways from it in some ways) at another time in my life. I seem to have lost that.
I really value this site. I just know i'm very addiction prone (that means to stuff like the internet, reading, eating, etc.) right now. So I'm caught between what is healthy for me and what that looks like in a forum like this ( how much time to spend, how much to be involved) because i'll do it the exclusion of other things. And I used to be pretty well engaged in healthy interests before.

I think a place like this with people of all walks of life, ages, interests, experiences, etc., that add to the 'melting pot' of life is really healthy! Otherwise, the 'soup' would be that much more empty and get stale real quick!

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javanwarbler....when we feel lonely, we all feel a bit desperate so you are just feeling normal.

I have made some reasonably good friendships via forums like this one. Some days it is very good. Other days I realize I have nowhere to post thoughts when I feel a bit crazy and want to be invisible...(i.e. one of my other posts).

How do I make friends? I listen to others and try to see life through their eyes so I can really "hear" them. I also think that people warm up to me because I tend to be way too transparent since my husband died...but it makes people feel like they know me and feel a connection. Sometimes my conversations go to PMs (never the others because I don't have the know-how or the technology) over specific topics but that is not the way we mostly interact. I don't have very many friends because I don't have the time or energy to invest in many people right now. I don't believe in having a great numbers of friends so much as having a few very "real" ones. These take time and patience to develop. The best ones are ones where I started out helping them either through volunteering somewhere or just noticing another person who needed a friend and become the friend that they needed.

I went through a period of my life where I really had no friends other than my husband. I remember asking God if there was some reason why I didn't deserve friends. I now know (and I think I suspected at the time) that it was a period of time where God was wanting me to learn to lean completely on him and if I had "friends", I would have turned to them instead of God. This was a period of a couple years...and then suddenly I found myself in a group where I was surrounded by "like" people and had a group of friends. I also found I had learned how to be a more selfless friend. To listen more than I talked.

I also needed that lesson on leaning completely on God instead of people in order to survive my husband's death.

This. (Bolded part). If i really, truly could or would do it, I think I'd have it made and have my crappy thought life whipped for good

I have wondered if maybe God is dragging me over the coals just for this reason and that HE knows somehow I will relate at some point in the future to that way to Him? the second part of the question is crucial. I'd hate to think God did all that effort to get me to listen and turn to Him, only for me to in the end, to keep bucking like a stubborn mule, still!

I have some experience in the past where i was a better listener because my head wasn't so crammed with all this unwanted negativity I have toward myself.

 

[dayhiker]

Javan,
I can see the struggle your having. I feel at a loss for words because your experience is quite foriegn to what goes on in my mind. I will say that you are welcome to be yourself here on the board. There is always that dualism, do I be myself or post like I was who I want to be.
Always spend a little time meditating on the fact that Jesus loves you. He understands in a while I never will. God knows what actions will help you get healthier.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Javanwarbler,

I do not think that you have shared yourself in a bad way. I understand about the addictive personality. I have it in the form of food. I think food is my comfort sometimes. In an attempt to answer your question regarding God bringing you thru what you are going thru, here's how I see it. There are alot of people in the Bible that have gone thru terrible things or had bad lives. Job is a good example. He had it all. But when Satan asked God to let him have a stab at Job, God allowed it. Of course Job's end was better than his beginning, but still he had to literally lose everything first and be "tested" by Satan. I don't think all of us get that kind of "testing" but whatever happens to us, in our lives can only happen if God allows it. Of course we have free will and are free to make our stupid choices too. God has so much patience and mercy and grace. Look how many times Israel did not honor Him and turned her back on Him even after all the miracles He did for them! He knows the beginning from the end so He already knows how your life will turn out. He wants to get you to a place where you trust HIM for everything. He wants that personal relationship with you that we all desire in human form. So in that way, maybe some of your trials are to direct you back to Him. Reading His word and meditating on it should bring you comfort and help with your depression. The more you learn of God's great love for you and the more you learn to trust in Him the better off you will be (actually we all will be better off when we learn this).
Another thing that I think helps with your situation is to think of who YOU can help. Can you volunteer somewhere? Can you fix a meal for your sick neighbor? In the end it's all about God's love and people. God wants us to care for each other. If I lived closer I would be your friend. I have another friend that is an artist. She's a really fabulous artist, but unfortunately she doesn't use her talents instead she is content to clean houses for a living and in her own house she is a hoarder. I love her, but she is a difficult friend. So sometimes taking our eyes off of ourselves and seeing what we can do to help someone else helps us feel better about ourselves in the process too.

 

[blackribbon]

Since my husband's death, I have had to battle depression too...though I suspect that grief depression is slightly different.

This fall I went through a terrible place mentally...nothing I was doing seemed to have any purpose in the "real" world but it was necessary just the same. I felt like I was spinning my tires doing nothing...and the more they spinned going nowhere, the lower I got. Luckily, my life is marked by semesters and this one is an "off" one where I don't have to take any classes. However, the "empty time" thing was threatening to swallow me whole. I panicked and now have commitments almost every evening ... and as busy as I am, since most of those commitments are about other people, I am starting to climb up again. I teach two history classes for homeschooled kids...and no matter how much I freak out the night before as I try to get things together, there is nothing quite like those two hours when these kids look up at me like I'm important and shyly approach me to tell me something they find important in their lives. I also volunteer with a Cub Scout pack (even though my boy is a teenager), and for an hour and a half every other week, a bunch of boys think I'm the coolest thing since video games. And as you can see...my passion is being around kids. I am also finding that these parents are starting to reach out to me and I have several potential friendship that I could nuture...if I had the time. Find your passion and give of yourself.

Also, if you are looking for friends, don't rule out someone very different in age...there are a lot of older women who are both lonely and have lived fascinating lives. They have the time to give to a friendship and may have some valuable words of wisdom. There are also a lot of younger single women that are just lost in life that really just need someone to notice them and remind them that they have value.

Look around on Sunday. Among the many happy families sitting together are a lot of women who are sitting alone. Observe for a few weeks and pick one to sit near and maybe start a conversation with. If they really are as lonely as they appear, invite them to meet you for lunch after service or maybe the following Sunday. It doesn't matter how different they are because it may be through your differences that you find a way to make each other's lives a bit more exciting.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

True dat! Blackribbon!

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javan,
I can see the struggle your having. I feel at a loss for words because your experience is quite foriegn to what goes on in my mind. I will say that you are welcome to be yourself here on the board. There is always that dualism, do I be myself or post like I was who I want to be.
Always spend a little time meditating on the fact that Jesus loves you. He understands in a while I never will. God knows what actions will help you get healthier.

Thanks, Dayhiker! It's really that I need to get the discipline to read scripture and pray. that has all flown out the window during the past couple years.
I don't know how often I should be here because of my tendency to be on internet far too long. I don't do enough other things, or things I should, and then I feel worse about it all. This is so embarrassing because I think i have an internet addiction. Darn it. that just made me feel real exposed and weak to say.
I'll be praying about what God would have me do in this situation. Maybe say a prayer too, that i make good and wise choices for God and look to Him for answers!
I really think I need help in weaning away from bad habits. It really looks to be that maybe that means I completely get rid of my computer! It's keeping me stuck, because i need it for the online school I'm doing and email. I don't do much at all with Facebook even though i'm on it.

I'm going to post a separate link in a more suitable sub-forum here about this kind of thing and see if anyone can relate and what they do about it.

I've so appreciated and i'm grateful to you and Michelle's caring and advice!

to you and Michelle!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Just a suggestion that's fairly simple regarding reading the bible. Read a Proverb a day coinciding with whatever date it is, so like today is the 2nd so I read Proverbs 2 and tomorrow I will read 3 etc etc. That way you read thru Proverbs every month and it has very wise advice in there.

 

[Javanwarbler]

Javanwarbler,

I do not think that you have shared yourself in a bad way. I understand about the addictive personality. I have it in the form of food. I think food is my comfort sometimes. In an attempt to answer your question regarding God bringing you thru what you are going thru, here's how I see it. There are alot of people in the Bible that have gone thru terrible things or had bad lives. Job is a good example. He had it all. But when Satan asked God to let him have a stab at Job, God allowed it. Of course Job's end was better than his beginning, but still he had to literally lose everything first and be "tested" by Satan. I don't think all of us get that kind of "testing" but whatever happens to us, in our lives can only happen if God allows it. Of course we have free will and are free to make our stupid choices too. God has so much patience and mercy and grace. Look how many times Israel did not honor Him and turned her back on Him even after all the miracles He did for them! He knows the beginning from the end so He already knows how your life will turn out. He wants to get you to a place where you trust HIM for everything. He wants that personal relationship with you that we all desire in human form. So in that way, maybe some of your trials are to direct you back to Him. Reading His word and meditating on it should bring you comfort and help with your depression. The more you learn of God's great love for you and the more you learn to trust in Him the better off you will be (actually we all will be better off when we learn this).
Another thing that I think helps with your situation is to think of who YOU can help. Can you volunteer somewhere? Can you fix a meal for your sick neighbor? In the end it's all about God's love and people. God wants us to care for each other. If I lived closer I would be your friend. I have another friend that is an artist. She's a really fabulous artist, but unfortunately she doesn't use her talents instead she is content to clean houses for a living and in her own house she is a hoarder. I love her, but she is a difficult friend. So sometimes taking our eyes off of ourselves and seeing what we can do to help someone else helps us feel better about ourselves in the process too.

Big back to you Michelle!

I would be your friend if we lived close too! You sound like wonderful person!

You are right. I used to be a little more proactive with helping other people. I know in the past that even if I made a card or food for someone I felt better. I'd think in my head that when I got 'mired in the mud' to just 'do something for someone.' I was doing that for a couple older women friends in the past, but I got 'brought down' with them (as i'm very sensitive myself and a 'pushover') because there were a lot of unhealthy codependent things I simply couldn't meet for them that they were/are going throught. I also am horrible with setting boundaries with people. You see, I don't have enough 'healthy' friendships to counteract for the ones that aren't. And right now, it's like i'm the one 'not healthy' and not attractive to the healthy ones. I really didn't think it would get this bad. I used to do many things and have interests and want to try.

I feel i'm at the lowest point to where I need serious help because I'm at the point of feeling like giving up and that this time, all doors are shut. that I'm just too selfish and self-absorbed; to the point of no return.
And the worst part: It's so shameful. It's the worst character flaw!!!!
Seems like not many people struggle to this degree with this kind of thing, because one reason there's just no time. they have kids, a spouse, family with needs they can or are expected to meet, help with, etc.

It's the most shameful and embarrassing thing to deal with! I feel I'm just too in the way of myself and therefore too far gone. It's so extreme. Yes, I know everyone deals and struggles with this kind of thing, but not to such a degree!
Your worst enemy is yourself. I hate myself for being so stubborn to God and this in and of itself it what makes it all worse. Please pray I won't really believe that and will overcome this with God!
I mentioned to Dayhiker, that i need to get discipline back. I go from real structure doing my seasonal wildlife field work to nothing, when winter comes and i need to apply for work all over again , year after year for the off season and also the field season if there is no funding for the the last job i was at to do it again. (hence now why i'm in online school for vet tech work thinking of the future times during the off season and also for better job security) Yet my dream is to live as an artist (having an faith motivated artcard business) and musician. But I really struggle with pride and the creativeness has the ugly side of imagination that goes to far and eventuallly gets in the way of even the creativity. that's where i"m at. Theres is a book written about this. It's called "The Heart of The Artist" by Rory Noland. Has your artist friend ever heard of it?

Gosh it took so long to write even this! I appreciate your willingness to reach back out to me. That means a lot me more than I can really express in words! i don't think many people would because i'm too much of an emotional spiritual wreck now.

Please pray i get right with God! That I"d finally 'dump myself to the curb' and truly let God be in control with my life!