Do I Really Belong Here?

[RachelZ]

This is my third attempt at a post...I think I must keep pressing the wrong button cos I keep going off to another page and then losing what I've written...maybe God doesn't want me to post? I'm sorry to be posting yet again...I just feel like I'm sliding down again and don't know what to do! Tonight I thought what if all my feelings and reactions are actually my response to unpalatable truth not OCD at all? It feels like this really could be true. I know that that is what people with OCD do think and say but the fact they do must mean that for the odd person it really does apply...after all if it were immposible then we wouldn't worry! So maybe for me it is true. Maybe I have got everything wrong...my marriage, my beliefs, my choice not to smack our son...been re-reading 'Dare to Discipline' and Dr. Dobson seems adamant that to not smack will have bad consequences. I didn't read it before cos I thought I might get anxious and I was right...I have done. Maybe I'm gonna raise a little brat who is ruined for life because of me. Maybe God doesn't want me to try and view Him as loving but wants me to continue being terrified of Him...maybe He wants me in a church he approves of rather than following the charismatic way? Maybe I really am being punished for my sins? Maybe I would be fine and not like this at all if I was with the right partner? My hot, kind of light-headed, tormented, confused and full of dread and anxiety feelings might be my conscience? This could be true and when I thought it it seemed like truth not a simple 'what if' that in the back of my mind I know is false! I don't know what to do...if it isn't one thing it's another or it's one thing on top of another...what do I do? Repent? Act on all my fears? Interpret my emotions and thoughts as reality and stop hiding behind a convenient label? If God wern't angry with me surely He would bring me some peace or some sense of His presence? Maybe He is full of wrath at me.

I'm sorry...please pray if you can...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Rachel, sounds like you are just battling a spike right now when everything seems upside down. Prayers for you~I have come to believe that the Lord usually works through a "process" instead of just miraculously swooping in and delivering us from something. He can do it the more dramatic, sudden way and I've had that happen and I believe in it. But it seems that He works often through more mundane, slower ways. I dont know if that makes any sense. I am much much older than you and I am just in the last few years beginning to see and recognize some of my earlier obsessions for what they really were. (obsessions!) Just saying.. Don't interpret what's happening in your life as God's displeasure. We live in a fallen world and even as Christians, we frequently suffer the consequences of that just like everyone else.

 

[keryakos]

You are having a spike from hell ...

As far as posting here you are a great benefit to us on this forum so i doubt God would want you to stop just my opinion .

i am sorry you are suffering so badly and ill be praying for you

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay...I know what you say makes sense! I hope it is a spike...I hope it isn't all true! Thanks also Keryakos...it's kind of you to say what you have but I feel I'm little benefit if any to others here. I can't be firm in my convictions and confident sounding in posts to others that their problems are all OCD when I fear that 'what if it isn't?' for myself so much and also when I'm either struggling and/or can't get on the PC for long due to having a little person to look after, it's hard to have the time or inner resources to offer much to others. So I feel I take mostly here and am usually asking for help. Ialso feel like whereas you guys are genuine I'm not...ie it's not and OCD issue. I can't deny that I have OCD cos it fits me so well and makes so much sense but I just think maybe it's apparent in the littler things but for the biggies it's not. Even typing that I can see how typical of OCD thinking it is yet I still can truly accept it. I wonder...by a spike from hell...do you mean literally? Thanks again for your input and your prayers, both are muchly appreciated! Take care bothe of you, Rachel

 

[keryakos]

youre welcome ..no i meant it as an expression ...

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Keryakos...at the moment I feel flooded with fear. It's a good thing I have a lot on...thanks again, take care, Rachel