Do I Need to Put Up Better Boundaries Here?

[Spinningnet]

In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:

- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.

- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.

- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.

- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.

- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".

- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).

I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:

- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.

- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.

- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.

- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.

- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".

- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).

I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.

Thank you for asking for advice. I will say this seems like a grey area since nothing severe has happened yet. Plus this is your job. That being said I would take each situation individually. For example if things get uncomfortable at the event where she has a seat next to yours maybe skip an event, give an excuse, Jesus knows you're doing this for your own safety. Keep it friend related. Just like in fighting use the momentum against the enemy, so if she says a comment use that to remind her of your friendship. If she texts late at night don't respond until morning if you have to saying something like you were asleep or didn't get the message till then. Distance yourself and be weary of uncomfortable situations. I don't want you to lose your job but if things get bad you may have to look for other work. Keep Jesus close by and remember He is your friend and is with you always. Confide in Him in your situation He will open doors for you and provide a way out if you feel cornered or uncomfortable.

 

[Spinningnet]

Thank you for asking for advice. I will say this seems like a grey area since nothing severe has happened yet. Plus this is your job. That being said I would take each situation individually. For example if things get uncomfortable at the event where she has a seat next to yours maybe skip an event, give an excuse, Jesus knows you're doing this for your own safety. Keep it friend related. Just like in fighting use the momentum against the enemy, so if she says a comment use that to remind her of your friendship. If she texts late at night don't respond until morning if you have to saying something like you were asleep or didn't get the message till then. Distance yourself and be weary of uncomfortable situations. I don't want you to lose your job but if things get bad you may have to look for other work. Keep Jesus close by and remember He is your friend and is with you always. Confide in Him in your situation He will open doors for you and provide a way out if you feel cornered or uncomfortable.

Thank you for your reply. I'm digesting your response but I want to clarify, none of this work is paid. This is a nonprofit community theatre with no paid employees. She and I both have paid jobs outside of this.

For the event - the season subscription - my aunt and uncle have the seats on the other side of me, so she won't be the only one I know there and I'm not really worried about that. But she didn't know that until after she said she wanted to get the season tickets.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Thank you for your reply. I'm digesting your response but I want to clarify, none of this work is paid. This is a nonprofit community theatre with no paid employees. She and I both have paid jobs outside of this.

For the event - the season subscription - my aunt and uncle have the seats on the other side of me, so she won't be the only one I know there and I'm not really worried about that. But she didn't know that until after she said she wanted to get the season tickets.

Oh well then since it is unpaid, take each day one day at a time. If you reach a day where things have crossed a line then consider leaving without making a scene (the theater work that is). Until then treat it like a friendship and don't let yourself be in a situation that could lead to sin. Also check yourself, check your motives. No one can completely deny that they might have some things they like about another person but so long as you are not entertaining any negative thoughts or motives and you keep it professional and strictly friend related you should be ok. Last thing I'll say is pray that The Holy Spirit convict you if you are starting towards a path you shouldn't be on and He will guide you quickly back to the straight and narrow.

 

[timf]

Theater people tend to find themselves in more personal problems than say plumbers or accountants.

Women (and men) can sometimes move in a direction without conscious intent simply because it feels better. Soon they can find themselves becoming attached and creating problems with previous attachments.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

no one ever fell off a cliff that was not standing near the edge...your discernment is good that you should take a step back and your reasoning is solid she is a married women and that place of being a confidant in areas other than your theater business should be out of bounds. My pastor always has a woman in the room if he is counseling a female as when you open up to someone that is intimacy and people can be vulnerable. Its ok for you to be frank with her as you are standing by your faith and are moving with the leading of your convictions. The boundaries you establish will keep temptation away.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:

- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.

- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.

- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.

- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.

- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".

- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).

I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.

Welcome to CF. It seems a little bit concerning but it sounds like you have it handled as long as you keep your boundaries. Blessings.

 

[Brad D.]

Sounds like your Holy Spirit Discerner is giving you clear Warning signs something is not quite right here. Might be time to be still, listen to what He says, and make some adjustments.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

Ya I think @Brad D. might be right. I don't want my advice to cause you to stumble and it may be that you need to see what Jesus wants you to do. So pray about it and listen, and just discern. Find a way out of the flirt zone so to speak. Not that you're flirting but she may be, whether known or unknown or can be due to any number of reasons. Be careful that she's comparing you to her husband in that you speak her love language that she claims took her husband a while to learn to do. Stuff like that can definitely be red flags. That being said I know a guy personally that is dealing with something similar and it's hard cause it's his job, so if you must stay in this occupation find a way to safely distance without making a scene. Remember Joseph Jesus's earthly dad, how when Mary was said to be with child and he didn't know it was God's he: Matthew 1:19: "Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly."

Even Joseph when he thought his wife had cheated didn't want to expose Mary to public disgrace, and so you should also not make any scene if something must be done but rather whatever you do let them down gently and quietly. Not only will you keep her from feeling ashamed she may not even be aware that she's doing it or is making you uncomfortable. And this way you don't burn any bridges.

 

[Sabri]

I read something that said God wants his people to have healthy relationships. Those with both sexes. However, we must keep them in a brother/sister mode. When you feel that a relationship is getting blurred then get some space. Set boundaries. Sometimes it’s hard because we want people in our life and forget our natural sense of attraction if you are man and female.

 

[mama2one]

it feels like she is crossing the line especially her saying "you're a confidant"
texting you late at night is a no no....if I were you, I'd block her number

this is all inappropriate & I'm sure if her husband knew "above", he would not be happy
her husband should be her confidant & the texting at night is SO inappropriate

if you block her number & she asks why, tell her "it's inappropriate" end of story

 

[YahuahSaves]

Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

The above quote is what jumped out at me and since she text's you late at night I would be wary because I think something is going on with this woman that she is crossing the boundaries of friendship a little bit.

I would just assert the boundaries with her a bit more (as someone else said) don't respond to her late night texts, wait until morning.
All you can do is control your speech and body language to show her you're her friend but nothing more. If you're ever in a situation where you feel like she's pushing you for more just tell her straight out, you aren't interested like that (it can be done tactfully). I truly think male/female friendships can be difficult to navigate at times, but not impossible.

 

[nhisname]

In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:

- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.

- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.

- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.

- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.

- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".

- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).

I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.

You are not being overly sensitive this is your discernment speaking to you! Definitely set boundaries telling her keeping company other than in a cast mbr sort of way is very inappropriate and disrespectful to her husband.

 

[Michie]

You need to cut it off. Her intentions are not pure ones imo. Her comments are manipulative where she is pinning you down. Late night texts, etc. I can see trouble right around the corner on this one.

 

[Bob Crowley]

This might seem a bit over the top, but I think most males are sitting ducks when it comes to women, including myself.

I remember a comment by my old Presbyterian pastor that "there's nothing more likely to cause trouble (I think he used a stronger term, but my memory is trying to recall a conversation from at least 30 years ago) than to fool around with a married woman. Nothing surer!"

I'd be very wary if I were the OP.

 

[YahuahSaves]

This might seem a bit over the top, but I think most males are sitting ducks when it comes to women, including myself.

I remember a comment by my old Presbyterian pastor that "there's nothing more likely to cause trouble (I think he used a stronger term, but my memory is trying to recall a conversation from at least 30 years ago) than to fool around with a married woman. Nothing surer!"

I'd be very wary if I were the OP.

Hmm...referring to men as "sitting ducks" when it comes to women assumes the position that they have no choice when it comes to self-control which is untrue. We all have a conscience and not messing around with a married person is just common sense (or at least it should be).

 

[Joined2krist]

Proverbs 5

 

[Kent M]

In June, I (30m) auditioned at a community theatre for their production of a well-known show and ended up getting a lead role. Throughout the process, I ended up taking on additional tasks beyond simply playing the role I had been assigned, and helped the director (44f, married) - who we'll call Janet - with various things that came up for the show. The show concluded a few weeks ago, but shortly before it ended, Janet nominated me to the theatre's board. Our roles on the board have a not insignificant amount of overlap so there is a legitimate need for us to communicate regularly. But I'm wondering if I need to put up some boundaries here, and if what is going on may be inappropriate for a single Christian guy and a married Christian woman. Here are some things that have happened:

- Janet is real big on words of encouragement and would tell us all as a cast to encourage each other regularly. I would sometimes thank her for all her hard work and for everything she did for the show, since this production meant a lot to me for personal reasons. Near the end of the run, when I asked for a private word with her about something regarding another cast member, she used the opportunity to confide in me (through tears) that my words meant more than she could say, that that is her "love language", and that it took her husband a while but he's finally caught on.

- She has started text convos late at night. It's theatre related most of the time but not always. For instance, at 1:00am last week, she saw I was on Facebook and sent me a message telling me to go to bed.

- Her kids are in high school/college and are both in the show we are working on now at the theatre and were both involved with the well-known show so I know and see them regularly. They have told me that Janet talks about me a lot and how much we talk, to the point where it's become a bit of a running joke between me and them.

- She has told me multiple times that I am her confidant, and she likes having me around to tell me things she can't tell anyone else. However, I think this is largely limited to theatre, and she has said her husband is not a theatre person at all.

- During the first show, she told me she had scrolled through my Facebook profile to get to know me more and saw that I go to the touring Broadway shows regularly (she would have had to scroll a bit to figure that out). I explained that I am a season subscriber. She then got a season ticket for the seat next to mine - she made sure I was okay with it first, and I basically said sure thing.

- She recently told me during a text conversation that I am sort of "her person".

- She has texted me "just to say hey" and invited me to join her and her daughter in seeing a band (I'd have to pay my own way).

I only think of her as a friend/sister/unpaid coworker and have no desire to interfere in her marriage, and I don't believe she has any untoward intentions either. But I'm worried about whether some of what is going on may be unwise. Due to some learning disabilities, I struggle with relationships and social situations like this so I am not sure if this is inappropriate or if I am just being overly sensitive.

Your gut is yelling - DANGER - DANGER! Trust your gut.

 

[Dan Beane]

no one ever fell off a cliff that was not standing near the edge...your discernment is good that you should take a step back and your reasoning is solid she is a married women and that place of being a confidant in areas other than your theater business should be out of bounds. My pastor always has a woman in the room if he is counseling a female as when you open up to someone that is intimacy and people can be vulnerable. Its ok for you to be frank with her as you are standing by your faith and are moving with the leading of your convictions. The boundaries you establish will keep temptation away.

Thanks for the cliff remark! Good advice, too. Are you related to the guy I saw during the Mitchell investigation into ped's?

 

[pen_and_poetry]

Obviously none of us know this woman personally, but I think it's charitable to say that she is probably lonely. Loneliness compels people to do all kinds of silly things they otherwise wouldn't do. But her comment about her husband not understanding her love language bit tells me that she feels neglected. I emphasize "she feels" because we are taking her comments honestly, but also not assuming that she is actually neglected. She could be a manipulative liar but that's beside the point. She's operating off of her emotions and she may well have a slight crush on you, or may be prone to getting emotionally attached to people who fill voids in her life. She may also not have many friends to begin with, because her confidant should be another woman. This doesn't make what she's doing right but we're all human and too few people learn proper communication and coping mechanisms. We're all pots with unique cracks.

Just a comment on her: she's also really overstepping her own personal boundaries towards you, because even if she were single, she's pushing herself on you (who, for the sake of argument here, is not returning her interest). It's not healthy, in any regard. She's also not professional--just because you're not paid, doesn't mean she can behave this way.

I don't think you've done anything wrong and I think your intuition is right. I personally am not closely friendly with married men unless their wives are a part of the equation in some form so you're right, I think. If you want to be direct, just let her know that you want to keep the relationship strictly professional and that interactions beyond that are just not appropriate for you personally. Keep it about yourself: cite your own personal ethos of interacting with married women, it's something from God, etc. I'd avoid shaming her because you do feel her actions are not malicious--she's probably just confused--but also because she's a little pushy. If you want to be indirect, just really keep a hard boundary on interactions and don't respond to her in any form outside of work. She will get the hint--I hope! But be prepared to leave this situation and find another community theatre outlet. If she doesn't take it well, she may turn on you. Hell hath no fury like a woman scored, and all that.