Do guys really just "know"?

[memoriesbymichelle]

My older son broke up with his girlfriend last night. The reason?

"She's not the one"

I used to go to the gym and I had a personal trainer for awhile. He was a "player" when I first met him. He was in college and doing what college boys do. Then he met a gal that was the daughter of one of his other clients (I think) and that was IT! Next thing you know they are exclusive and next thing you know he asked her to marry him. He just "knew".

So I ask you guys, does this apply at this stage of your life? I mean is it possible that you could meet some woman and that would be IT and even if you had said you didn't want to get married again that you would change your mind because you met "her"?

I've always felt that guys always have the upper hand and get to do most of the decision making regarding whether or not the relationship will continue or not. Be it fair or not, that's what I feel. So I wonder, if it's possible that someone would meet me in the future and be like "she's the ONE!"

 

[dayhiker]

I think it is certianly possible, Michelle. Personally I've not had that feeling since maybe high school. Even my wife I didn't have that strong of a feeling when we were dating, but I loved her attitude and character so much as well as being around her that I figured I'd ask her to marry me. It was good for 27 yrs!

So I'd say look for it. It happens for sure.
Mark

 

[blackribbon]

I don't know that there is a "this is the one" as in the only one....but in that everything seems to click. To be fair, it is easier to know that someone is NOT the one because there is just something that isn't clicking...whether or not, you can put your finger on the exact cause.

I do believe it happens...and I believe that we over think it sometimes and just "kill" that sensation too. Maybe it is good to look deeper ... but other times, I think we can be so busy wondering about some imagined ideal that we can overlook this really good person in front of us only because we perceive minor flaw or image (or look at their so called "baggage").

 

[christsoccer]

I'm hoping God will assist me in finding the one I am supposed to settle down and marry. One time, I thought a person was the one... and I could not have been more wrong..

 

[TillICollapse]

I've only met two women in my life who have been the "one". First one was in high school (not my first relationship either, just happened to be in high school). The next one I met I was about 33.

Those relationships are the stuff of legends, the stuff of songs, the skies open up, worlds collide, electricity sparks, people around you gravitate to "whatever it is you've got" like bees to a flower, etc. It's beautiful. You would effortlessly die for them, as they complete part of you anyway

Interestingly, I have met others who thought *I* was "their one", and I didn't reciprocate at all ... I didn't play them like I did either, I just, wasn't looking at them like they were looking at me. That is heart breaking to me, because I don't want someone's love like that to go unreturned. I only point it out to show that a person can think another person is "the one", and have them not feel that way in kind

But the two I have felt that way over, they felt that way in return with me. It was something that, if I fought it, I'd be living a lie. "The heart knows" and such . And I don't know if it's fair or not, but you tend to gauge others by that experience. So you may meet someone who is awesome, and you even have chemistry ... but if they're not "the one", you can't lie and pretend they are. Especially if you've already experienced it before You would be cheating them, and arguably, yourself. That doesn't mean that "all other relationships are pointless" though ... people can provide different things for each other still, and treasure each other without "the one" dynamic. At least imo

 

[Cactus Jack]

It can be done. How she reacts to some questions, situations, things she does or says, the list is endless.

 

[grasping the after wind]

There is not a single "one". There are many potential "one's" out there. We don't meet every person that exists so we miss many "ones" . For most men, I think it is more a situation of meeting a woman that qualifies for consideration as the "one" at the right time. My wife is the "one" because we chose each other after meeting each other at a time in which we both we prepared to make a commitment neither of us would have been ready to make before. She has stayed the "one" because we both have learned that the commitment we thought we were prepared to make was nowhere near as simple or as easy as we thought it was,yet we decided, and continue to decide on a daily basis , that it was and is and will be worth it to put forward the increased effort that was and is and will be necessary to fulfill that commitment. The relationship is a two person job. It is necessary that both be committed to it. So a man, in isolation, deciding that a particular woman is the "one" is a pointless and most likely disappointing thing.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've only met two women in my life who have been the "one". First one was in high school (not my first relationship either, just happened to be in high school). The next one I met I was about 33.

Those relationships are the stuff of legends, the stuff of songs, the skies open up, worlds collide, electricity sparks, people around you gravitate to "whatever it is you've got" like bees to a flower, etc. It's beautiful. You would effortlessly die for them, as they complete part of you anyway

Interestingly, I have met others who thought *I* was "their one", and I didn't reciprocate at all ... I didn't play them like I did either, I just, wasn't looking at them like they were looking at me. That is heart breaking to me, because I don't want someone's love like that to go unreturned. I only point it out to show that a person can think another person is "the one", and have them not feel that way in kind

But the two I have felt that way over, they felt that way in return with me. It was something that, if I fought it, I'd be living a lie. "The heart knows" and such . And I don't know if it's fair or not, but you tend to gauge others by that experience. So you may meet someone who is awesome, and you even have chemistry ... but if they're not "the one", you can't lie and pretend they are. Especially if you've already experienced it before You would be cheating them, and arguably, yourself. That doesn't mean that "all other relationships are pointless" though ... people can provide different things for each other still, and treasure each other without "the one" dynamic. At least imo

BBM That is what usually happens to me, at least in the past. When I met my husband it was the first time it didn't happen, but he was also coming out of a marriage where his wife left him and left the kids down the street with a babysitter.

This is where I think guys have the upper hand if they "know" someone is "the one" and by that I don't mean the one and ONLY. If that were the case I'd have no hope because my husband has passed on, but I mean "the one" in that they would drop everything and change their thinking because they want to be with you (which for me becomes bleaker by the day really)

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

6 signs your date’s got girlfriend potential

Here's an article about knowing if your girlfriend is the one LOL. Interesting is that, like I surmised, it's the guy doing the deciding.

 

[blackribbon]

We have just as much power in the "deciding". Usually the one who says "no, this isn't going to work" has all the power.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

We have just as much power in the "deciding". Usually the one who says "no, this isn't going to work" has all the power.

yeah well in my experience that has always been the case. And my son just did that to the gal he was dating so.....I have never felt like I had the "power" and have only broken up with one guy and that was only because I was still in love with my first love and didn't think it was fair to him. But most of the time in MY experiences, the guys dump me. And while that sounds kind of bad regarding me, it's just that the guys I like didn't like me back as much as I liked them and no amount of anything I did would be able to change that, they just weren't that into me (except my husband and I am very grateful for that). Doesn't make me want to get back into the game of being rejected at this age either.

 

[TillICollapse]

BBM That is what usually happens to me, at least in the past. When I met my husband it was the first time it didn't happen, but he was also coming out of a marriage where his wife left him and left the kids down the street with a babysitter.

This is where I think guys have the upper hand if they "know" someone is "the one" and by that I don't mean the one and ONLY. If that were the case I'd have no hope because my husband has passed on, but I mean "the one" in that they would drop everything and change their thinking because they want to be with you (which for me becomes bleaker by the day really)

Love is complex lol What drives people together, or makes them unequal, or pushes them apart ... is a complex dance between those people specifically. At any one point you may fall into a category that is easily identifiable to others and so seems "Man, love is always like THIS isn't it ? Same ol same ol ..." but then in the next moment that can all change.


I think if you hit the same thing over and over and over again though, as though it never varies and is just a broken record ... at some point I think a person should examine that record to find out what song it's playing so they can hopefully get a new one lol

We have just as much power in the "deciding". Usually the one who says "no, this isn't going to work" has all the power.

Indeed. The one who says "no" is typically in a position to break a heart, steal a heart, leave things unsaid and undone, etc.

 

[mjmcmillan]

If I had the power you describe, I should be happily married to my true love right now. A lifetime of experience shows that it just ain't so.

My "just knowing" rarely coincided with her "just knowing" and so for most of my 58 years I've been bacheloring it. The two times I was married, both times to the same woman, almost don't count because the way we went about it was the worst way possible, and in the end she decided we didn't mesh. For the rest--- the reason I don't mess with dating sites now is because past history shows my "just knowing" is pretty well useless in such situations. She's invariably looking for someone I am not, so even though I might know she's the one for me she has already decided I am not the one for her. So, here I sit at a keyboard, alone and with little idea that this will change any time soon.

 

[blackribbon]

yeah well in my experience that has always been the case. And my son just did that to the gal he was dating so.....I have never felt like I had the "power" and have only broken up with one guy and that was only because I was still in love with my first love and didn't think it was fair to him. But most of the time in MY experiences, the guys dump me. And while that sounds kind of bad regarding me, it's just that the guys I like didn't like me back as much as I liked them and no amount of anything I did would be able to change that, they just weren't that into me (except my husband and I am very grateful for that). Doesn't make me want to get back into the game of being rejected at this age either.

Actually I don't think that makes you look bad...just very capable of loving many different types of people.

 

[TonyLee]

Sometimes I've heard of a guy meeting a woman for the first time, and knowing he was going to marry her, and did. I have no idea how that happens though. Even if I did get that feeling, it would certainly be one way.

 

[scraparcs]

If I had the power you describe, I should be happily married to my true love right now. A lifetime of experience shows that it just ain't so.

My "just knowing" rarely coincided with her "just knowing" and so for most of my 58 years I've been bacheloring it. The two times I was married, both times to the same woman, almost don't count because the way we went about it was the worst way possible, and in the end she decided we didn't mesh. For the rest--- the reason I don't mess with dating sites now is because past history shows my "just knowing" is pretty well useless in such situations. She's invariably looking for someone I am not, so even though I might know she's the one for me she has already decided I am not the one for her. So, here I sit at a keyboard, alone and with little idea that this will change any time soon.

Why do you have to know? And why couldn't you be the one for her? Would you want a relationship?

Just have a few thoughts in my head from what you said.

 

[iambren]

I'm so analytical that as soon as I feel that way I try to explain it away. Often it is just physical attraction or they have attributes/movements that are pushing an icon on my emotional-historical landscape.

Dated my ex for 5 years. She knew pretty much right away. I thought she was nice,enjoyed her company a lot,enjoyed making out with her but felt kinda guilty because I just didn't KNOW. So at year4 I forced myself to obtain an answer and it seemed like all this love I had for her,hidden deep within my belly,percolated up to overtake my mind and my words to myself were--"OF COURSE YOU LOVE HER". We married in 3 months,in light of her tenacity.

Loves a funny thing. So subjective and unique to every individual.

 

[RobertMerton]

I don't think its so much as 'the one' as in a soul mate, the one we're destined to be with as it is that she 'ticks the most amount of boxes'.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

My older son broke up with his girlfriend last night. The reason?

"She's not the one"

I used to go to the gym and I had a personal trainer for awhile. He was a "player" when I first met him. He was in college and doing what college boys do. Then he met a gal that was the daughter of one of his other clients (I think) and that was IT! Next thing you know they are exclusive and next thing you know he asked her to marry him. He just "knew".

So I ask you guys, does this apply at this stage of your life? I mean is it possible that you could meet some woman and that would be IT and even if you had said you didn't want to get married again that you would change your mind because you met "her"?

I've always felt that guys always have the upper hand and get to do most of the decision making regarding whether or not the relationship will continue or not. Be it fair or not, that's what I feel. So I wonder, if it's possible that someone would meet me in the future and be like "she's the ONE!"

I believe the mantra of 'I just knew she was the one' (in a relatively short amount of time) is a popularized Hollywood notion that is highly risky . I think most of the time it comes out of a phase of infactuation , possible desperation, and-or sexual appeal or from seeing something in the other person that you haven't seen before in past encounters. The best and safest solution is to take Ones time in a relationship , carefully weigh up the pros and cons of the other person and how you blend into those , to see the other in all kinds of situations good and bad, to ask opinions from those who know you well as to the degree of compatibility , et al....

Many people who have said at the time 'I just knew he/she was the one' ... have lived to regret jumping at that initial conclusion.

Lastly, at our age (50 something plus) , I think there should be far more maturity in objectively choosing someone to have a relationship with ... and less on the initial fuzzies . People are highly complex individuals .

 

[AmericanSamurai]

I can't speak for other guys, but as for me, I can know whether she has qualities I cannot live with.

All I have to do is ask her questions and see how she answers them. I gauge how supportive she would be as a wife, and how she helps or doesn't help solve problems.