Divorced with a chapter closed...another open

[Serving4Christ]

Those who have been here long enough and tracked my previous posts know without a doubt that this divorce has been a very rocky experience, painful, and hurtful roller coaster of emotions.

It was finalized a bit ago and I feel no different. Matter of fact, I feel more depressed now than when I was separated. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed because I miss what we had or even what we could have had...I'm depressed because it hurts to know that through everything we've been through she still can't do what's right for our kids.

I have custody of 3 kids ages 10, 5, and 2. She was given 50/50 after a 3 month regraduation back to UNsupervised parenting time. She's authorized 3 day/dinner visits after school or 2 day/dinner and one weekend day visit this first month. She used a total of two visits. She used more time to see the kids when she had SUPERVISED parenting time with the courts. At least then she saw them 2 times per week.

I see my kids acting out not knowing why there mom is not seeing them. My youngest constantly asks for his mommy. My oldest is beginning to pick on his friends for no reason at all. My daughter is clingy to any female that comes in or around including her school teachers. And my heart breaks because I can't understand why she's doing this to her children. Some would say that they're better off without her but I don't believe so. I think it's so important for a child to have both his mom and dad whether they're together or not.

I say nothing negative to the kids about their mom. I never have. But it's getting very difficult to keep making excuses why their mom won't see them.

I need to get my oldest into some different counseling. Perhaps AWANA. It starts on the 15 of September. I also think I need him to get to some therapy to discuss some of the issues surrounding his mom choking him. I thought he was doing fairly well, but the reports I'm getting from his friends mom makes me thing different.

I've had sole custody for 6 months and its beginning to wear on me. I really need some encouragement and prayers. I've been off the anti-depressants for over 5 months. And I really don't want to go back on them, but I feel myself going into a state that scares me, again.

Any thoughts and words of encouragement would be very appreciated,

Thank you.

 

[Rhoni10]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I will pray for you. Have you talked to her and asked her why she isn't visiting with the children any more than what she is? Counceling for you son will be a good thing. My oldest a lot of times feels more comfortable about saying things to my parents then she does to me. Are you getting some counceling for yourself through all of this as well? Take care of yourself and I will pray for all of you.

 

[Serving4Christ]

I'm not getting help as of now but loooking to sign up for a divorce workshop through one of the local churches. It was recommended by the Guardian ad Litem and I'll do whatever it takes to benefit the health of my kids. She on the other hand was ordered to attend an anger management class within 30 days or lose custody. She was ordered into an anger management class over 6 m onths ago, but refuses to go.

I have a no-contact order in place because all she wants to do is argue in front of the kids.

Thanks for the prayers.

 

[hope4today]

Hello,

My heart goes out to you. I won't fill this email with my story but I understand your pain.
You mentioned that you have to keep making excuses for your children's mother 'cos you don't want to say anything bad about her to the children. This is a difficult one and it is probably worth talking to someone experienced in helping children. The reason I say this is that from my understanding (and what I try and do with my children) is to give them the appropriate truth for their age without being 'personal' about their father. It would seem in your situation it may be saying something like... Mummy is confused about her life right now and doens't come to see you all the time. I don't understand why myself and maybe she doesn't either but it is about stuff that is happening in mummy and not about you. It is not because of anything youhave done or anything about who you are. It is about what mummy is going through.

I made that up as I went along but the essence is it addresses the issue without denegrating their mother. They will see through excuses anyway. Truth in it's age appropriate form is a much better healing process. I don't know anything about your situation so the words I used may not be appropriate at all. It is just the principle.
Also, occassionally my children will see me upset, so sometimes I think it is appropriate to acknowledge that Yes I am sad and Yes this hurts me too. Again all age appropriate. I had to do this last weekend with my children because it had been obvious that i had been distressed. I told them I was particularlysad this weekend and it was not anything to do with them. When my youngest asked why I said it was lots of things. Iwas sad about Daddy leaving, selling the house, PaPa being sick etc. and that it had all got a little bit too hard for me that week. I said it was not about them at all and that I knew God was going to help us through it. I think this kind of honesty helps alleviate their fears 'cos they know what is going on and it shows them it is OK to be sad and acknowledge their feelings.

I hope my waffle makes sense and if it helps great. If not shove it aside. ( I agree about counselling, my youngest 2 are currently seeing a children's counsellor to give them a safe place to talk and process. they use 'play therapy'.)

I sincerely pray for you as you find the strength each day in Christ to raise your precious children

Regarding the depression, have you tried St Johns Wort. It is a natural remedy but has been jouranlised in medical journals as very successful in taking the edge off and helping the body and mind equalise. Natural and non addictive. It is about he only natural remedy that has been medically researched and that the medical profession recognises.


God Bless You

Hope

 

[Serving4Christ]

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it. I've tried St Johns Wort before, but it never quite helped.

I appreciate the advice and prayers.

 

[Chrystal-J]

My heart goes out to you Serving 4 Christ! When I divorced, my ex didn't want to do visitation either...he played games and acted like a fool. (Wouldn't be at home when I went over there to drop off our child or had silly excuses for not taking him.) I finally said that I was going back to court to have a judge ORDER him to be at home when he was suppose to be there or face court action. He finally complied and began to be home and take our child at the times that he was suppose to have him. And now our son is almost an adult and they have a fairly good relationship. My ex sees my son often and they get along most of the time. So, things can work out. But, I will say that it often takes time for "the dust to settle" after a divorce--especially when one partner is immature and irresponsible. It was a good 6 months before I could get my ex to participate in regular and consistent visitation. I know each situation is different, but I just wanted to let you know there is hope. And you have to do what is best for your kids regarding this. I, myself, would definitely let them know the truth regarding why their Mother isn't seeing them (or they may begin to think that she doesn't want to see them because they did something wrong--which isn't true). Of coarse you want to phrase anything you tell them in an "age appropriate" way.

I also wanted to note that I went to my local Mental Health Center (treatment was very cheap). They had a great program for families that allowed many levels of counseling. I went there 3 days a week for a year and it made a world of difference! They were really helpful and had some good ideas that I used to cope with this painful situation.

I hope things improve for you soon!

C J

 

[Serving4Christ]

Thank you for the hope and inspiration that this will resolve some day. Right now in the thick of things, it just seems like eternity even though I know it's just a blink of an eye.

Blessing,

Dan

 

[Autumnleaf]

Serving4Christ it sounds like hard times. Your children might be wondering why their mother is not there and they miss her. Have you tried explaining to them what went wrong and why things are as they are? So often parents don't bother to involve their children in whats going on and it exacerbates things. At least if the unbiased truth comes out the children can come to terms with how things are. As it stands they are probably yearning to know why. This is just my perspective from long ago when I was where your children are. You are wise and thoughtful to put your children first.