Divorced Catholics

[D'Ann]

Actually, anyone who has lived through a divorce as a child has a wealth of insight on this subject. Thanks for all your input, Debbie.

Song of Songs

Thank you too. I also want to say thank you for reminding me about Dobson... he does have some good and valid perspectives. I like him very much.

God's Peace,

Debbie

 

[Song of Songs]

thank you for reminding me about Dobson... he does have some good and valid perspectives. I like him very much.

Does anyone have other resource suggestions to help Single Parents?

Song of Songs

 

[bostonlass]

Does anyone have other resource suggestions to help Single Parents?

Song of Songs

match.com
christianmingle.com
catholicsingles.com



Ok so I was kidding there. I honestly don't know of any resources and I've been a single mom for over 6 years now. Here are the things that have helped me along though:

1) Try to get a stable job. I was working in an unstable environment before I got divorced and I quickly transferred over to the corporate division into a dept. that is known for it's longevity. A stable steady income with good benefits is key so that you don't have to worry about it...you'll have other things to worry about, trust me.
2) Pray the rosary every day, no matter how tired you may be. You will find that both Mary and Jesus will have been cradling you through your most difficult times when you look back on them. I can't stress this enough.
3) Be firm and set a schedule. It may seem like you're in the military at times doing the same thing each day but children thrive on routines. Put big signs up everywhere...in the bathroom a checklist of brush teeth, wash face, wipe (yes....even that one!), etc. in the bedroom a checklist of throw trash away, put dishes in kitchen, put dirty laundry in basket , etc. The sooner you do this the better off you and your children will be.
4) Ask for help. It's humbling but at times I've had to ask since not many have offered. This includes asking someone to take the kids for an hour while you clear your head, asking your family for money, asking for help just to get through the day when you don't think you can do it.
5) Never ever ever talk bad about the outer parent to the children. That is the other set of their genes and if they think you're trashing that set of genes you may as well be trashing them. They didn't ask for this.
6) Let your kids know it's ok to love the other parent's new hubby or wife. Again, they didn't ask for this and the guilt they may carry could literally kill them at some point. It may feel like it will kill you to hear them say , "i love you" to the woman your husband left you for, but you'll get over it. Offer it up to the souls in purgatory.
7) Don't keep a spit spot clean house. If the kids are away and you have the option of mopping the kitchen floor or going on a nice walk on the beach...take that walk on the beach. The dirt will be there when you get back!

 

[Song of Songs]

5) Never ever ever talk bad about the other parent to the children. That is the other set of their genes and if they think you're trashing that set of genes you may as well be trashing them. They didn't ask for this.

6) Let your kids know it's ok to love the other parent's new hubby or wife. Again, they didn't ask for this and the guilt they may carry could literally kill them at some point. It may feel like it will kill you to hear them say , "i love you" to the woman your husband left you for, but you'll get over it. Offer it up to the souls in purgatory.

Wow, thanks so much for the wise input, Caroline! You are the first divorced person I've ever "met" who put her feelings aside for the sake of the kids -- and wants them to feel free to love their father! and even his new wife! That is surely Christian faith in practice! My husband's parents divorced when he was 2 and all three of the kids were made to feel like traitors if they liked their dad.

If you don't mind, I will send your advice to a Catholic woman with four young children whose husband left her for another woman. The divorce proceedings are already brutal... and she is understandably struggling with a lot of bitterness and not wanting the kids to see their dad.

Good for you with your disciplined regime of household "chores" -- even two-parent families need to follow your advice there!

May God continue to heal your heart!
Blessings,
Song of Songs

 

[bigsierra]

1) Were you and your spouse committed Christians before you married?

I guess you could say that. We had a form of Christianity. We leaned toward the Protestant Charismatic movement, till they started roaring like lions and laughing for hours on end. Over time we moved toward the Presbyterian church, which helped on a lot of levels. Presbyterianism was ultimately the setup for becoming Catholic for me.

She had been married and divorced twice, for biblical reasons according to her.

2) What elements caused your divorce?

It's hard to say exactly what it was. Probably emotional instability. It seemed like we fought all the time. She started talking about how all her friend had affairs and how she didn't know any "beautiful" person that hadn't had an affair. When she started poisoning my step kids against my by telling my sins of youth, I knew I had to do something. I hoped it would be better for them if we were apart. My kids were too young to understand, 3 and 2

3) What type of marriage preparation could have helped you avoid these problems?

We had known each other about 2 months and went to one counseling session with a pastor. He asked that once we were married that we attend his church for 6 months. She didn't like it after the second time and wouldn't go back.

If I was Catholic at the time, the Church wouldn't have offhandedly let me marry her with the previous marriages, which would have helped.

4) What type of ministry should the church provide to help those with troubled marriages?

I don't know. I'm happy work is being done on the front end, with folks having to take classes and wait at least six months.

5) What resources are helping you through the divorce transition and single parenthood?

I started dating someone soon after and it looked like it could be a long term relationship. She wanted to run my ex over the coals and take the kids. I didn't see that as a good option and that ultimately lead to the end of that relationship, but I would call it my mental transition. What made the most difference was coming to terms with how very important the kids were and how anything can go for their sake, including my pride, before my ex.

 

[bostonlass]

What made the most difference was coming to terms with how very important the kids were and how anything can go for their sake, including my pride, before my ex.

 

[bostonlass]

You are the first divorced person I've ever "met" who put her feelings aside for the sake of the kids -- and wants them to feel free to love their father! and even his new wife! That is surely Christian faith in practice! My husband's parents divorced when he was 2 and all three of the kids were made to feel like traitors if they liked their dad.

Oh I'm not that wonderful a person for doing that, trust me!!!! When he first left he didn't see the kids for a whole month. He owns a kitchen cabinet business and has one of those big box trucks with the name of his business on it (which also happens to include our last name as well). Well he was friends with the guy accross the street from us and although he didn't see our kids for a whole month he would often visit the guy across the street and park his big box truck out in front of the house. My kids, who were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 at the time, would stand on the edge of the couch and press their noses to the window waiting and wishing that he'd come in and say hi. I dreaded those days and hours that he'd be over there 'cause the kids would cry nonstop. Then he'd pull out and leave waving to them but not ever coming inside to see them. I'd have to cradle them both for hours after.

When he finally was willing to take them I was just grateful that they were able to spend time with him. He was with her each time he took them, probably because he was never really alone with them to begin with so he wasn't used to changing diapers, etc. Of course my heart broke seeing her comb their hair or tying their shoes but nothing like the pain of seeing them at that window waiting and wishing he'd go inside. I never want them to feel like that again.

It's so different when you have children. It's all for them. The only time I live for me is when they are with him for the weekend. (he's a lot better at taking them now!!!)

Trust me though it's no great thing that I do.......if I didn't have kids I would totally not have ANY contact with the man and I would have moved FAR FAR away from this state!!!!!

Oh that brings me to another tip:

If at all possible try to keep contact with your ex at a bare minimum. This is for a multitude of reasons but basically the less emotion involved the better it is for the kids. At first my ex would come to the house for pick up and drop off and the girlfriend/fiance/wife (went from gf to wife pretty quickly) would come in with him to drop off pick up. This tore me up inside but I'd paste on a smile, but I hated it. I"d go in the bathroom and bawl my eyes out and my kids would sense something was wrong. Eventually we got into the practice of what we do now and it's been this way for about 4 years and i LOVE it:

He takes them every Wednesday and every other weekend and various other times when schedules call for it. His wife picks them up from school Wed afternoon and brings them back to school Thurs morning. On the weekends that they have them she picks them up Fri after school and brings them back MOn morning. The ONLY time I have contact with him or her is if it's a vacation type deal and there is no school/camp involved to be the pick up /drop off point. The kids like it better because they don't sense the tension anymore and I love it.

 

[Song of Songs]

Thanks so much for all your wonderful input, Sweetcaroline!

I have passed on your advice to other single parents in another forum as I felt you have a wealth of helpful information to minister to these struggling people.

Many Blessings!
Song of Songs

 

[NPH]

Well, last night my wife informed me that I will be once again joining the ranks of the divorced early next year *sigh*

The good part is, it looks like we've pretty much already agreed on me having full custody with her having visitation so i'm not terribly overwrought (I kinda figured this was coming, she has lots of anger issues to deal with). Sad of course, but I think I can deal with it for the most part. This also means that my kids will definitely be raised in the Catholic Church, which is a very good thing.

Considering that I just this year came Home to Rome (as it were ) and am still in the process of having my first marriage declared null, my current marriage has not yet been convalidated so I wonder what state that will put this one in? I might have to seek yet another Decree of Nullity after the first one is complete, ugh.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to marry again, but if I did it's going to have to be some seriously devout Catholic lady that understands the seriousness of marriage!

 

[D'Ann]

Well, last night my wife informed me that I will be once again joining the ranks of the divorced early next year *sigh*

The good part is, it looks like we've pretty much already agreed on me having full custody with her having visitation so i'm not terribly overwrought (I kinda figured this was coming, she has lots of anger issues to deal with). Sad of course, but I think I can deal with it for the most part. This also means that my kids will definitely be raised in the Catholic Church, which is a very good thing.

Considering that I just this year came Home to Rome (as it were ) and am still in the process of having my first marriage declared null, my current marriage has not yet been convalidated so I wonder what state that will put this one in? I might have to seek yet another Decree of Nullity after the first one is complete, ugh.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to marry again, but if I did it's going to have to be some seriously devout Catholic lady that understands the seriousness of marriage!

I'll keep your wife and you and your kids in my prayers. I'm sorry for this to be happening. I'm not sure about the second marriage needing to be anulled. I would talk to your priest because if anyone would know, I would hope, he would.

God's Peace,

Debbie

 

[bostonlass]

Well, last night my wife informed me that I will be once again joining the ranks of the divorced early next year *sigh*

The good part is, it looks like we've pretty much already agreed on me having full custody with her having visitation so i'm not terribly overwrought (I kinda figured this was coming, she has lots of anger issues to deal with). Sad of course, but I think I can deal with it for the most part. This also means that my kids will definitely be raised in the Catholic Church, which is a very good thing.

Considering that I just this year came Home to Rome (as it were ) and am still in the process of having my first marriage declared null, my current marriage has not yet been convalidated so I wonder what state that will put this one in? I might have to seek yet another Decree of Nullity after the first one is complete, ugh.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to marry again, but if I did it's going to have to be some seriously devout Catholic lady that understands the seriousness of marriage!

I'm so sorry. I know how painful this is especially where children are involved. I pray that things turn around but if not then I hope that God fills you with His strength to get you and your children through this.

 

[marciadietrich]

Considering that I just this year came Home to Rome (as it were ) and am still in the process of having my first marriage declared null, my current marriage has not yet been convalidated so I wonder what state that will put this one in? I might have to seek yet another Decree of Nullity after the first one is complete, ugh.

I don't think I could ever bring myself to marry again, but if I did it's going to have to be some seriously devout Catholic lady that understands the seriousness of marriage!

Sorry to hear about the divorce , I know it is never easy even under the best of circumstances.

On the state of your marriage it might depend. Definately check with your priest, though he might be unable to help until the first marriage issue is settled. If the first wasn't nullified you couldn't remarry in the church and would have had a problem if you were still married. If it is granted then you would have to have the current one looked at and it is possible if you were both baptized Christians at the time (or you were baptized when you entered the Church) and neither were Catholic at the time of the marriage it might be valid and sacramental in itself and I'm not sure your not having convalidated would make a difference if it were ruled that way. Not sure how common that is, but think it is possible as a ruling. If your wife was Catholic and you married outside the Church that would be a defect of form and much easier. And so many variables you will have to see what the tribunal finds.

I'm in an odd situation of entered the Church and no convalidation and my husband didn't submit the application to get his first marriage nullified on lack of form because he was a Catholic and married outside the church. If he gets that one, now that he finally applied for it, then our marriage is also automatically invalid because we married outside the Church in a civil ceremony. I'm not sure I want convalidate at this point.

Life is crazy sometimes, we just do the best we can and pray for God's will. I pray He will guide you thru this time and I pray for your children as well that it be as easy as possible on them.

God bless ...
marcia

 

[Kasia]

I just wanted to thank you all for your input to this thread. I'm still really young and not planning on getting married for a while, but a lot of these posts helped put everything into perspective for me. Especially finding and choosing the right man.
My heart goes out to all of you who had to deal with difficult times and I admire you who were able to pick up the pieces and resume life afterwards. Thanks again and may God bless each and every single one of you!

 

[kamikat]

I'd like to comment that the Pope recently said that divorced Catholics must be made to feel welcome at Mass.

Then that's a change in attitude. When my mom got divorced, our pastor told her she wasn't welcome at his church any more. Maybe it was because my parents had married there, both of us girls were baptized there, received all our sacraments there and my sister was even married there and my mom had been friends with him. However, it did start my mom's departure from the Church. She went to a different church for a while, then went Christmas and Easter for a few years, now she hasn't been since my nephew's baptism 3 years ago.

kamikat

 

[Song of Songs]

I just wanted to thank you all for your input to this thread. I'm still really young and not planning on getting married for a while, but a lot of these posts helped put everything into perspective for me. Especially finding and choosing the right man.

Dear Kasia --

One common thread that seems apparent in the marriages that endure AND are happy is that both spouses put Jesus at the center of their lives. When you are connected to the very source of love, there is a never-ending supply of unconditional love to get you through all that life will throw at you. When BOTH spouses are primarily concerned with living a life pleasing to God, they will be willing to overcome problems and to forgive and reconcile.

There is no perfect person. We all have sin and we all have baggage from our past. But when one is submitted to the Lord, the Holy Spirit is able to transform us, to heal us, to make us in the image and likeness of Jesus -- an awesome reality.

Life itself is full of obstacles and opportunities for self-sacrifice (waking up every two hours during the night to care for a new baby! etc.) -- all these things work together as a built-in mechanism to grow in holiness -- if we are willing to embrace the purifying elements of our lives.

One thing to consider -- is to completely surrender your desire / search for a mate to the Lord. Commit to remain single unless God bursts in upon your world otherwise. Just as being a nun or a priest is a vocation, so is marriage a vocation. Although most people just jump in without discerning an actual call by God to do so. When a person allows the Lord to choose the person and brings him/her -- this person will be the desire of your heart, plus will have your same vision for life (and ministry). Because God alone knows the depths of our hearts and what life has in store for us. He knows what person will be a perfect fit. Also, since marriage to this person is truly God's will, He will move mountains to get the two of you together -- because He will desire your union even more than you do -- so you don't have to strive or look for one another.

To my knowledge, this concept began growing in popularity in the early 80s. But many people do not have the courage to put this kind of trust in God. I have personally known a handful of couples who have done the above and their marriages are awesome!

Blessings,
Song of Songs

 

[Song of Songs]

Well, last night my wife informed me that I will be once again joining the ranks of the divorced early next year *sigh*

The good part is, it looks like we've pretty much already agreed on me having full custody with her having visitation so i'm not terribly overwrought (I kinda figured this was coming, she has lots of anger issues to deal with).

VNVnation -- my heart so goes out to you! and your son! The breaking of a relationship as intimate as marriage and parenthood creates wounds that scar for life...

Is your wife still living with you? Ministries that help couples on the brink of divorce hold out a lot of hope for recovery if you are still sharing the same house. Severe anger can mellow with a little time -- and then godly counsel can help couples overcome hurdles.

Sounds like your wife needs a lot of deep inner healing to deal with past baggage. There is an order of nuns and priests who do this type of ministry: "Intercessors of the Lamb" founded by Mother Nadine. Her order is established in Omaha, Nebraska and operates with the full support of her bishop. They host retreats and can make ministry appointments (and have an intercession team that will pray for difficulties such as yours).

Intercessors of the Lamb
(402) 455-1514
www.bellwetheromaha.org
4014 N. Post Road
Omaha NE 68112

Focus on the Family (www.family.org) is also another option to go to for counseling assistance. They have a lot of resources to help struggling marriages.

Prayers!
Song of Songs

 

[NPH]

Thanks for the prayers, all of you. Ironic, isn't it, that this topic should come up and after posting in it I find that it becomes more applicable in my life, lol. And I apologize for bringing my now-current marital trouble into it, but I really need somewhere to kind of 'sound off' about it a bit and this thread really seemed a good place.

Is your wife still living with you? Ministries that help couples on the brink of divorce hold out a lot of hope for recovery if you are still sharing the same house. Severe anger can mellow with a little time -- and then godly counsel can help couples overcome hurdles.

She is still living in the same house, but this is more of a financial arrangement for both of us until everything sorts out. We've already come to agreement on custody and the division of property and such, but i'm not so unkind as to boot her out the door until she is able to move on.

Through my crafty investigative abilities (yeah, i've been down heartbreak road many times. I know what to look for by now lol) I pinned down by this afternoon that she is already seeing someone (and has been for at least a short time now). This is not the first time we've been on this path but it is certainly the last time, so marriage counseling is no longer the answer.

*sigh* to be brutally honest, a part of me feels as if i'm being freed from an overwhelmingly oppresive burden while another part feels the pains of loss. You would really have to know her to understand, but I think the best description of her attitude towards life is this: If she were to fall into a huge pile of pig dung, and come back out of it holding diamonds in her hands, she would complain and curse loudly and constantly about the pig dung

Thanks for letting me vent a bit, as I really have no one outside of the 'net that I really want to talk with about this. It's good to at least be able to chat about it a bit with those who can understand.

p.s. - I have a son and a daughter If you'd like to see them then just click HERE

 

[Kasia]

p.s. - I have a son and a daughter If you'd like to see them then just click HERE

Your kids are adorable!

 

[Song of Songs]

She is still living in the same house, but this is more of a financial arrangement for both of us...she is already seeing someone...This is not the first time we've been on this path but it is certainly the last time, so marriage counseling is no longer the answer....to be brutally honest, a part of me feels as if i'm being freed from an overwhelmingly oppresive burden while another part feels the pains of loss. You would really have to know her to understand,p.s. - I have a son and a daughter

I undertand completely. After many years of counseling ministry, we've seen too many similar cases. Some people seem determined to take the hard path in life and never seem to find what they are looking for (such as your wife). This other person is not the answer -- Jesus is. She will be forever empty and unhappy until she really finds Him. It may seem like rejection of you as a person, as a husband, but it's not. It's her own emptiness that leaves her susceptible to temptation.

Your two kids are just precious! I hope you will be able to focus on them and try to build great memories with the two of them even in the midst of your current struggles.

Prayers!
Song of Songs

 

[D'Ann]

Then that's a change in attitude. When my mom got divorced, our pastor told her she wasn't welcome at his church any more. Maybe it was because my parents had married there, both of us girls were baptized there, received all our sacraments there and my sister was even married there and my mom had been friends with him. However, it did start my mom's departure from the Church. She went to a different church for a while, then went Christmas and Easter for a few years, now she hasn't been since my nephew's baptism 3 years ago.

kamikat

I'm sadden by this. My mom also had some negative things too at the time of raising the kids during the 60's and being divorced. She really needed to be welcomed and spiritually supported and instead she was rejected and felt as if she was being condemned and a bad person.

The good news is that she is now back with the Catholic Church. When my husband and I converted, she had a lot of resentment and hostilities to work through and by God's love and mercy and grace, she came back home to the Catholic Church. I'll keep your mom in my prayers, there is always hope.

Pax,

Debbie