Divorce? Prayers Needed

[LoveConquers]

I'm so sorry that he is making these decisions to flirt and engage with other women. I'm sorry but if my husband sent a woman a text that he was going to her house, I would need to confront him immediately. I would also talk to her - and to the manager of the daycare if it became clear that there was something going on.

It seems to me that he learned nothing from being found out in the past in regards to adultery, and that it is up to you to make it clear to him that these behaviors need to stop.

How is your counseling going?

Thanks - I do plan to confront him soon...just working on overcoming the anxiety about taking the next steps that will be inevitable afterwards. Honestly, it is fear in taking the next steps, but I am working on trusting God and eliminating the spirit of fear. It's tough...but I am trying...

Counseling session was good - I have only met with her once (last Wednesday) and we have standing appointments for every Wednesday so I will see her again in two days.

Overall, I know that my primary issue is trust - trusting myself to make the right decision and trusting that God will take care of me and my children regardless of what decision is made. I need to be stronger in order to make it through...

 

[~Anastasia~]

Wait ...

He is currently having sexual affairs with other women?

And you are "fulfilling marital duties" but feel "raped" in the process?

I don't have an answer for you ... but something needs to happen right now. I know you don't feel strong about confronting him, but in this case, I am pretty sure I would suspend marital relations until things are addressed.

Your feelings about it can cause some long-term problems if you continue. Not to mention if his behavior risks introducing infection and disease into the marriage.

I didn't realize he was actually having affairs right now? Unless I am misunderstanding you.

Do you have a pastor you might feel comfortable speaking with as well as your counselor, or is your counselor at least Biblically based? Is your husband a Christian (sorry if you said and I've forgotten), and would he be likely to listen to pastoral advice?

I didn't quite get the situation, and it sounds even more immediately serious than I'd thought at first. I realize what I am saying may only serve to put more pressure on you, but ... ... please consider if this doesn't need to be fully addressed sooner rather than later.

God be with you ... praying for you.

 

[Hetta]

I am pretty sure I would suspend marital relations until things are addressed

STDs are a fact of life among the promiscuous. SL, you should get tested and if you do have sex - use a condom! Maybe that will wake him up.

 

[LoveConquers]

STDs are a fact of life among the promiscuous. SL, you should get tested and if you do have sex - use a condom! Maybe that will wake him up.

Thank you both -

I avoided sex with him since I saw those messages on his phone and my annual womens exam was the week before last.

Overall, I know I plan to ask for a separation because I cant go on like this. In terms of him cheating now, as I've said I do strongly suspect it based on the messages. How else could it be interpreted? But I know him and I know he is going to try and twist them to mean something else and I just havent had the energy to get into that battle. This is why I know that emotionally I am not in this marriage as I should be. I should be angry, upset, ready to confront him, etc. But honestly...I just really dont care...I just want it to be over but at the same time I am having to work on the reality of what that means for my kids and I.

 

[Hetta]

Do you have some strong support around you? Do you have family nearby? If you asked for separation, are you in a position to support yourself?

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this - more than I can say. You continue to be in my prayers.

 

[LoveConquers]

Do you have some strong support around you? Do you have family nearby? If you asked for separation, are you in a position to support yourself?

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this - more than I can say. You continue to be in my prayers.

Thank you - your prayers are greatly appreciated.

I do work so financially things would be tight but I think we can manage. In terms of family support, I dont have much that is close to me because my husband is in the military so we move every couple of years. Staying where I am means that I would maintain my job and should be able to support my children and myself - however we do not have any family and few friends here. Moving closer to family and friends in order to have support would mean quitting my job and not being financially stable...definitely NOT a good idea, lol.

So yeah, I would remain here in NC where I am working until able to find another comparable job closer to my family...even though I see the cons in that option as well...;-)

 

[Hetta]

I had forgotten that your husband was in the military, sorry. I understand that there are rules of conduct for military personnel. How would you feel about reaching out to your husband's commander?

 

[LoveConquers]

I had forgotten that your husband was in the military, sorry. I understand that there are rules of conduct for military personnel. How would you feel about reaching out to your husband's commander?

That is something I would rather not do unless pushed into a corner. I do try to keep marital issues between just the two of us, as I feel uncomfortable with others knowing my 'dirty laundry.' Also, there is the possibility of reduction in rank if this is reported - this includes a reduction in pay and that would not be beneficial to any of us because even if we are no longer together, child support payments would be based on his income.

 

[Hetta]

That is something I would rather not do unless pushed into a corner. I do try to keep marital issues between just the two of us, as I feel uncomfortable with others knowing my 'dirty laundry.' Also, there is the possibility of reduction in rank if this is reported - this includes a reduction in pay and that would not be beneficial to any of us because even if we are no longer together, child support payments would be based on his income.

Yes, there are some major ramifications for him. Would that be a bargaining ploy?

 

[LoveConquers]

Yes, there are some major ramifications for him. Would that be a bargaining ploy?

Yes, believe me, I am considering that

 

[LoveConquers]

I finally confronted my husband yesterday - long story short he denied everything (of course) and states that the texts were "just inappropriate flirting" and that he has not had an affair. I do not believe him.

At this point, we have decided to separate...maybe the time will bring us closer or confirm that we need to move on...

I am hurt, confused, frustrated, and just want to lie in my bed and be sad. I feel horrible and my heart hurts...uncomfortably hurts.

Plus I am feeling guilty. I feel guilty because I hurt so bad and am second guessing everything. Does this mean that I am doubting God and putting fear over faith? I think it does and I feel horrible about it. If I had the faith that I should have then I wouldnt be sad - I'd be okay to trust God that it will all work out.

I also feel guilty because I have no solid proof that he has slept with someone else. If I have no solid proof and move from this marriage, is that wrong? Have I divorced based on non-biblical reasons if I have no real proof that he has slept with this lady or the others that I have suspicisions about?

Overall, how do you go through something like this with pure faith that everything is okay? How do you patiently wait for the good that is coming to your life when you are hurting so bad?

 

[~Anastasia~]

I finally confronted my husband yesterday - long story short he denied everything (of course) and states that the texts were "just inappropriate flirting" and that he has not had an affair. I do not believe him.

At this point, we have decided to separate...maybe the time will bring us closer or confirm that we need to move on...

I am hurt, confused, frustrated, and just want to lie in my bed and be sad. I feel horrible and my heart hurts...uncomfortably hurts.

Plus I am feeling guilty. I feel guilty because I hurt so bad and am second guessing everything. Does this mean that I am doubting God and putting fear over faith? I think it does and I feel horrible about it. If I had the faith that I should have then I wouldnt be sad - I'd be okay to trust God that it will all work out.

I also feel guilty because I have no solid proof that he has slept with someone else. If I have no solid proof and move from this marriage, is that wrong? Have I divorced based on non-biblical reasons if I have no real proof that he has slept with this lady or the others that I have suspicisions about?

Overall, how do you go through something like this with pure faith that everything is okay? How do you patiently wait for the good that is coming to your life when you are hurting so bad?

I don't have a lot of answers for you except to say that feeling sad is perfectly normal and ok. And feeling guilty may not be the right response, but I felt it for YEARS.

It wasn't until I was counseling with a pastor and I felt God impress on my heart that divorce was not the unforgiveable sin that I FINALLY felt the guilt lift, though I can still feel it nagging at me if I read something that says divorce is always wrong no matter what etc.

As far as how to deal with the sadness and pain, and everything else you feel, turn it all over to God. Don't try to deny it, but be honest with Him about how you feel. If you need to scream, cry, wrestle with Him - whatever you need to do, don't feel you should hold back an be "proper" but be HONEST ... let Him deal with it, and you will begin to feel His comfort. It may take time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm sure others will have more complete advice.

 

[Hetta]

"Just" inappropriate flirting? So, what does he say he will do about his inappropriate flirting? What did you agree upon as a separation? Is it a separation until he fixes what has gone wrong, or an open ended separation?

I'm very sorry that it has come to this.

 

[LoveConquers]

"Just" inappropriate flirting? So, what does he say he will do about his inappropriate flirting? What did you agree upon as a separation? Is it a separation until he fixes what has gone wrong, or an open ended separation?

I'm very sorry that it has come to this.

"just" is how he describes it...basically saying that as long as he didnt sleep with her then hasnt done anything wrong. Mind you - he didnt even admit to texting and communicating with her until I showed proof. Therefore to me it doesnt mean he didnt sleep with her, it just means that I dont have proof. And yes, even the texting is inappropriate in my eyes. He agrees that it was technically wrong but I can tell he thinks I'm over-reacting.

It is an open ended separation. He is very emotional about it and doesnt want it, but I know that some of that emotion is just that he was "caught," not necessarily that he agrees he needs to adjust how he interacts with women (and whatever else he does).

The one thing that makes me feel good is that I was finally honest about my feelings. I explained to him that honestly, I did not care about what he was doing and that was the problem. My concern in our marriage is that I dont care...and I should. I should be emotionally connected to my husband to the point that it hurts and I want to work it out. But I dont have that. The only reason I have any desire to work things out is because of my kids - but because I'm not 100% convinced that this would be the best situation for them, the little motivation I had is dwindling.

I should love my husband enough to want this to work for us. I should want to be with him and I should care about what happens. But I'm much more apathetic than I should be. Part of it is because of the pain he has put me through over the last 15 years. But part of it is also me.

I started dating him when I was 15. I was raised by a single mom and with no siblings so he was my first real connection with a man. Having that first connection to be someone who consistenly cheated on me has slowly killed parts of me. Is it all his fault? Absolutely not. I didnt have to stay with him. But I was young, impressionable, and felt that's what love involved. But now that I am older and look at things differently, I see that the years I came into being a woman were years that I always felt not good enough and that I had to compete for his love and attention.

Fast forward to now and I am just tired. I no longer care to fight for it. But my challenge is 1) the fact that I'm unsure of how any of this will affect my kids and I fear I may cause them the same damage I have and 2) the fact that even if I dont want this marriage for my husband and I, I should love God enough to want to make it work because I know He hates divorce. I feel guilty for not wanting to continue to fight and I feel that my selfishness should not come before making God happy and keeping my kids with their dad.

These are the things that make me sad and make me hurt. I feel bad that I dont feel strong enough about him to want to make it work for him, but more than anything I'm sad because I feel I am being selfish and my issues are clouding what should be most important.

 

[Hetta]

I really hope that you can keep up counseling. Have you ever been assessed for depression? Some of your symptoms sound to me as though they could stem from depression - which wouldn't surprise me. A lack of interest, a lack of emotion, tiredness .. talk to your counselor if she or he is proficient in making that diagnosis, or talk to your doctor if the counselor is not able to diagnose you.

I am not a doctor or counselor, just fyi, so I am not diagnosing you, I am just saying how it sounds.

I think that your counselor will help you with some of these self-esteem and guilt issues. No it's not your fault that you are hurt because you are husband betrayed you! The blame for that lies with him. But I doubt I can persuade you of that just by saying it. People who refuse to reflect upon their behavior or acknowledge that they did wrong are very, very hard to deal with. They have a way of deflecting blame that can be very hurtful and damaging. Again, your counselor can help you to recognize these tactics. Look up gaslighting. It sounds to me that there is using some of the typical gaslighting techniques that cheating partners use.

You know of course that the only person you can change is yourself. Pray for your husband, hope for the best, but try now to help yourself and your children, and particularly look to your own mental health and recovery from all of this sadness and trouble.

Continuing to pray for you.

 

[LoveConquers]

I really hope that you can keep up counseling. Have you ever been assessed for depression? Some of your symptoms sound to me as though they could stem from depression - which wouldn't surprise me. A lack of interest, a lack of emotion, tiredness .. talk to your counselor if she or he is proficient in making that diagnosis, or talk to your doctor if the counselor is not able to diagnose you.

I am not a doctor or counselor, just fyi, so I am not diagnosing you, I am just saying how it sounds.

I think that your counselor will help you with some of these self-esteem and guilt issues. No it's not your fault that you are hurt because you are husband betrayed you! The blame for that lies with him. But I doubt I can persuade you of that just by saying it. People who refuse to reflect upon their behavior or acknowledge that they did wrong are very, very hard to deal with. They have a way of deflecting blame that can be very hurtful and damaging. Again, your counselor can help you to recognize these tactics. Look up gaslighting. It sounds to me that there is using some of the typical gaslighting techniques that cheating partners use.

You know of course that the only person you can change is yourself. Pray for your husband, hope for the best, but try now to help yourself and your children, and particularly look to your own mental health and recovery from all of this sadness and trouble.

Continuing to pray for you.

Thank you -
I do think this particular situation has me a bit depressed but overall I wouldnt typically call it that - but right now, yes. All I want to do is lie in bed and let the day pass me by...at least thats how I've felt the last week or so.

I try to always have the mentality that I cannot change other people, I can only change myself. So I constantly self-reflect and psycho-analyze myself for improvement. But honestly I'm also thinking this is kinda damaging because I am constantly seeing what I can improve on and I continue to see my sins over and over and it can be a bit of a downer...but I'm trying to remain confident that counseling and prayer will help with that...and coming to this site and interacting with you guys because the various threads on here are so therapeutic to me. Just reading the feedback on here plus on other threads give me hope and often times a different way of looking at things...

So thanks you all!! I have never met any of you but you've become some of the most important people in my life right now I'm almost addicted to these forums because every time I feel down I log back on to see new posts in the different forums and one way or another it always helps!

 

[Hetta]

I continue to see my sins over and over

That's a big no-no.

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Psalms!!